caspex

Over the course of this year I have become increasingly more aware of the evil within me. To me it's terrifying. Earlier, it confused me how such terrible acts could be committed by people to other people, but now I completely get it. Evil is a dead-end path towards God in the sense that you'll eventually have to face the evil and revert to unity. The Evil-Doers are children who know not what they are doing. They think they know and they think they're in clarity, but it wouldn't be true ignorance otherwise. Others are the same children just constrained with rules and mental walls. Break them down and they'll commit the same acts they condemned and none of them will feel any guilt. This is not a negative view of the world, this is a positive one. This is an opportunity in the sense that one can mature by realizing the nature of their evil within and healing it truly, rather than suppressing it. The darkness within each one of us can be filled with light, like slowly lighting up a dark house, by recognizing one's own evil without guilt, accepting it and letting it go. Choosing to do good and love through one's own conscious will, not because of the fear you hold of your own evil. Most people fear evil and that's the only reason they're good. Your post felt like a direct message to me from reality that it's time to let the evil go. It might be a slow process or a fast one to do so, but I thank you for writing this post.

I saw Leo's blog post. Is there a benefit to getting good at chess? Whether it's Standard or Fischer Random. My point is, chess requires you to look at it from the point of view of trying to learn some wisdom from it, to be able to learn some wisdom from it. If that's the case, you could do that by observing chimps or birds in your free time. You could find wisdom in the way a leaf falls if you're looking for it. So of course you could find some nice wisdom from Chess too. It's evident to me that it doesn't automatically carry through. Look at Hikaru Nakamura and Magnus Carlsen, yeah, not the wisest people, in fact they are as average as it can get. Some argue it improves memory, but does it really? Or does one just get used to the 64 squares. I do Vedic Astrology as a hobby and after looking at natal charts so much, I can look at someone's chart for a few seconds and remember the position, sign and relationships between the 9 planets around those 12 houses. That's because I am used to that, it hasn't improved my memory. As for the development of strategic thinking, yeah chess can help but to what extent? I could view the various aspects of my life as chess games and play various tactical moves with many ideas behind them, and even though that could be a step up from your average way of thinking, it's still boxing yourself in a structure of thinking about your interactions in life. However I still feel there is some benefit in this particular point that I am oblivious to. When it comes to improving concentration and focus, just stare at a candle for 30 mins, that's gonna improve it much faster than any amount of chess games in those 30 mins. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it and play it often as a pastime. The idea of getting better at it strokes my ego too. I just want to know if I should actually aim for a certain elo like 2000 or a title like FM or it'll be just a massive waste of time.

Authenticity is the most important thing one needs to be working on RIGHT NOW. Why? To put it simply, if you're trying to embody an archetype, a particular person or acting out behaviors then you are setting yourself up for hardships. Being you necessarily invites personal problems, but if you don't deal with that you don't grow as fast. You can keep acting out templates and things that work but it's not really you. You'll cross problems in life and get ahead but somewhere along the path you'll be in so deep you're real self won't be able to handle your baseline. It'll be hard to be yourself then. You'll be stuck in a shell of someone you have built up in other's eyes, and it'll take a real hard hitter to break that. Being authentic is all about feeling into your body and asking yourself, who is caspex? Replace that with your name. It's about letting go of fear regarding yourself and if you can't do that just yet, then it's about spending time with yourself everyday until you feel comfortable enough to let it out. A lot of people reading this right now might feel "Of course, I am my real self right now!" No you're not! Try replying to this post and observe who you become when you type on this forum. Then pay a visit to your mom, or your friends, and observe who you become there. They are all shells. It's an effective survival strategy, but it's not you. On one hand you want to be unique but on the other hand you'd rather cosplay common social shells? This little understanding seems simple but if you have not mastered this yet you're impairing your spiritual growth.

Seed #1 I am tired of this powerlessness I feel towards my own actions. I cannot control what I sense, think and do. It's time for change. Here's what I want: : Pass my upcoming exam; :: It's within 20 days from now. It's a tough one and mentally I had given up. Despite having time and a full fledged plan, I gave up because I thought I could not. I faced a little failure and stopped. There are also a variety of other reasons that effected my mental focus. To give you an example, being sleep deprived throughout the day is literally like being hit on the head. You cannot learn as effectively and your problem-solving is in the dumps. Sleep is, very, very important. My diet consists of a lot of sugar and caffeine on top of normal healthy food. My mental diet consists of short-form content and porn. I had really let myself go this time. As of writing this post, I am at an all time low, but not for long. Here's what we'll do: 1 - Prioritize sleep, even if it means not being able to finish your daily tasks. Let's keep it simple. Sleep on time, wake up on time. Sleeping on time is much more of a mental game than it seems. You need to get in the mood at least an hour before your actual bed time. I'll start winding down and keep away from anything stimulating for any of my senses. 2 - Lessen the Junk. I have tried before and I cannot go cold turkey on junk food; especially sugary drinks with caffeine in it. Reason? I like the energy boost it gives me because usually I would be feeling quite tired. So, no more solid junk food, only sugary drinks. One 750ml bottle per day will be the maximum (I am used to drinking 5 of these on a bad day) and only before 2PM. If I feel hungry, I'll cook something at home, but no sugar or caffeine after 2PM at all. 3 - No Porn. If I have to masturbate it'll be using my imagination and if I can't then I guess I won't. Once daily at evening is the maximum. 4 - Try For More Conscious Digital Consumption - No rules for content consumption as of now. 5 - Study the bare minimum - Seems lazy but it's not. After countless trial and error, the best approach for me is to start by learning the bare minimum to be able to pass the exams, then keep learning/practicing a bit more in order of priority. # - A recurring pattern is that when I face failure such as not being able to sleep on time, I give up entirely and go back to living the bare minimum. To become the Architect and build a better life, I need to embody those qualities and persist. I am expecting to fail soon and am eagerly anticipating it. I am not going to make any other goals in this period. I am not even going to think about doing other stuff or trying anything out. Until it's fruition, this will be my sole goal. I will not provide updates regarding the above goals. This journal will only be about creation. For that reason, the harvest will come after the fruition of the goal, see you after 2025.01.15

@ChrisZoZo Yeah I think it's best to assume they were just dreams

I decided to see yesterday how much I needed to sleep actually. I decided I'll let myself sleep as long as I want. To my surprise, I fell asleep at 7:30 PM, when I woke up it was 2:50AM and I felt energized, but I felt like I could sleep again, so just after 2 minutes, I closed my eyes again and it was 7:30AM. I slept for a good 12 hours. After which, at 10AM, I took another nap for 2 hours. I think my body really needs the sleep right now due to the stress. I had dreams for the first time in the last few months and a bunch of them were nightmares. I was in fact loudly mumbling the screams from my dream, my father had to comfort me. What I have learnt is that sleep is very important. Neglect it and it's not just the physical aspect of your being that'll suffer. I am feeling sleepy right now too, I am heading off.

I agree

I have some experiences, but I wouldn’t say I was able to do it intentionally; I didn’t actively try. It involved slipping outside my body and floating away, observing my surroundings but without any control over where I was going. It was more like being carried by the flow of a river. On another occasion, when I tried to hold on to my body, it was intense—like trying to go against the current of a river that had just experienced a tsunami. For me, it all starts when I’m in a state of observation and fall asleep. You have to be aware of the exact moment you transition from the waking state to the sleep state. It feels as though you’ve fallen several stories and landed underwater. Your whole body is engulfed by vibrations, and there are all types of sensory hallucinations, including tactile ones. Anything you so much as think of for an instant amplifies into your experience. It’s a state that demands crazy control over your mind because all your thoughts are laid bare in front of you. I don’t know how to explain exactly how one transitions from this state to astral projection, but it involves becoming acutely aware of the flow of energy around you. You’re drawn into this flow and eventually connect with it, allowing you to slip out of your body. This used to happen to me spontaneously during sleep when I was meditating for two hours a day, with my primary focus on being an observer. It also led to encounters with entities and some strange dreams that felt more like real life than mere dreams. It wasn’t just their vividness; it was the fact that, when I came to, the transition from dream to waking up was as seamless as a river merging with the sea. It all stopped, including the encounters and dreams, when I stopped meditating. It was pretty bothersome and that's why I hesitate to go back into that kind of a life again. So be mindful of what you're asking to get into.

One thing that's quite obvious to me after using different LLMs is that they generate language the same way most of us humans do. We put words in front of our words with an underlying context or idea. Albeit that we have better memory and ability to grasp the overall picture but AI will soon achieve that too. When you have awakenings though, when you become more conscious, that's when you truly think originally. That's when you really stop going by your already fed dataset and start creating real value through your words and actions. The idea of the 'philosophical zombie' is somewhat true when you consider that most humans simply react like AI do on a given input/situations, albeit more complexly. Soon AI will be able to perfectly mimic human speech and eventually when given a body, humans behaviors and mannerisms. I do not want to raise a discussions on internal experiences, what I do want to raise an awareness on is that when AI eventually becomes indistinguishable from a human, how would you distinguish it from a human? You will never know whether it has an internal experience or not. If you value Bashar's opinion, he points out that AI when sufficiently developed would be a complex enough & good enough vessel for consciousness, which permeates through reality, to simply start expressing itself through it like it does with us, making it 'alive' in the relative sense. Of course that raises questions on whether an amoeba is alive or not if we consider AI right now as 'dead', which implies an amoeba is more complex than the current AI. But let's backtrack, what I want to point to is a much more practical observation which does not have anything to do with those questions. If you enter a state of presence and being, becoming maximally aware and conscious by taking a psychedelic like 5-MeO-DMT, would you consider that more 'alive' or your current baseline? I'd argue in 99.9% of the cases the baseline is comparably dead. 'Consciousness' is Life. That's originality. People tend to think they are somehow any better than AI in being original. No they're not. Until you enter a state of awakening, you're as good as a reactive LLM, just a little more complex. Earlier it was quite easy to think that this ability to speak, reason or understand is what makes one alive, but AI proves that even that can be automated. What you intuit when you think of yourself as 'alive' is that consciousness. The 'dead internet theory' doesn't even need to be true, almost every human on the internet is practically just a generative AI. Look at the comments and replies, no originality at all. You're not truly alive until you break through this pattern/state. That's why it's called an 'awakening', you break free from the sleep. And doing it once or twice doesn't mean you are now permanently awake. Instead of going about life playing out memes/archetypes, be conscious and therefore original.

Very compelling.

There's no motivation to survival. It's its own motivation. Make your goals your bare minimum and don't compromise. As you start progressing excitement will come on its own.

@El Zapato I wouldn't say that, but I do feel like he sometimes intentionally plays dumb to the real meaning behind a person's question. That's strange since you'd expect the listener to try to match your wavelength in order to understand you, rather than expect the you to match theirs. That makes things unnecessarily complicated, as a lot of the things he said, at least in that particular conversation, could have been said in much simpler words. But I do get it, he has to dodge a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts so he must have evolved that mechanism, it seems to be working quite well for him.

I was watching a conversation between Alex O'Conner and Jordan Peterson and that made me realize conversations like that which are heavy on being intellectual and outsmarting the other, it's basically just chess but as a conversation. Or rather, Chess is the physical manifestation of what debate looks like.

What it seems like so far is that there are two types of these UAPs, drones and orbs. Although the orbs do just seem like people zooming into stars.

How Bhakti Leads to Non-Duality Yesterday when I chanted 'Sita-Ram' I lost myself in the name, seeing all of reality as that name. It's common to be in a state of Mansik Japa during this. It seems that with enough chanting reality unfolds into the thing you are chanting. This way, you lose your sense of self and also stop thinking altogether. This still needs to be mastered as the stubborn ego pushes its way back in. This 'no-self' and 'no-mind' state is the exact same that I got to through contemplation and meditation some years back, and the same state Leo describes in some of his older videos. Of course, it was easier for me since I already experienced this state, but I think even the common man can achieve it through Bhakti with diligent effort in a few years. You'll get here without even knowing what non-duality is. Bhakti is an ingenious method to reach no-self that even the less spirituality gifted people can do. It's the perfect method for the masses. Not everyone can contemplate and focus, as is required on the Gyan Marg (the path followed by Actualized.org if we ignore the psychedelics). Not sure how this ties into God-Realization though, mostly because I haven't really realized 'God'. But I do know that it leads there considering all the statements made by giants on the Bhakti marg, essentially calling themselves 'Rama' or 'Shiva' or whoever they do Bhakti towards. My Current Situation But I'll be honest, I am not really happy. These things have indeed made me a calmer person and have reduced my fear in general towards life. But the thing is that I still desire and have many material flaws such as procrastination which in theory should have been extinguished, but in practicality I am not in those higher states 24/7 and I don't think I am even comfortable with that yet. While happiness and contentment comes from within, I still want to pursue materiality to secure my future, and I am failing at that. Sometimes I think, "What's the point if I can just be content right now?" but I also realize that's just an excuse to slack off. If I really embodied that contentment I wouldn't do anything to entertain myself either since I wouldn't need it. Point is, I am not there yet and I shouldn't delude myself into think I am somewhere I am not. At this point I am fragmented into two people. One guy, who on the surface, wants to master the yamas, finish his studying, eat healthier and achieve other goals. And another guy, who is hidden behind the first one, who slacks off and doesn't really care about any of this, living the bare minimum. He uses the ambitions of the first guy to not feel bad about his actions and laze around. To an outsider, I am an insane man. I say one thing and do another. I observe my actions ruining my life and do nothing about it. After worrying a lot, I do something, my life improves, then I go back to doing what made it bad in the first place. Like this, I waste time. It really does feel like there's a Rakshasa within me, doing all the bad stuff on purpose to ruin my life. I know the dangers of detaching from it and not thinking of it as 'myself', doing that only gives me more power to ruin my life further. It's fucked up. Sometimes I can even have the two sides of me talk with each other. It feels like a mental illness, but I try not to freak myself out. To be honest, doing upasana has really kept me from spiraling even further down. That daily dose of oneness keeps me alright for the rest of the day.

Pretty charismatic. He's made out to be this demon the likes of which are rarely seen but if you actually study him you'll realize his structure of thinking isn't that much different than many people out there today. I know a guy who'd literally do what Hitler did but with Muslims. Hitler's structure of thinking is way more common than people think. Similar to how kings were literally deified due to how much people respected them, people like Hitler are literally demonized as if something had possessed him to do things. No, this was done by a human, to humans. It's an interesting study in what the human mind is willing to do given certain abilities. There are 1000s of Hitlers walking down the street at this very moment across the globe. Maybe they don't have the charisma, leadership skills, social intelligence, power, money or opportunity to do what he did, but I bet they would if they could.

This post is about procrastination. I know a lot of people deal with it, and that there are many resources out there to help me out but I have looked at a lot and nothing has helped me. I have an exam tomorrow, it's 6PM, and I still do not feel anything. To give you the context, I never studied growing up, like many, I crammed stuff last second or got by with what I understood in the class alone. Fast forward to when I am 18, I pass highschool by studying last minute once again. I took up a very difficult course after that on the advice of my father, while I was living alone at the time, with absolutely no one to guide me. The course has 3 levels, and the first level had a pass rate of 24%, I started studying for that 11 days before the actual exam, after having done nothing related to it in the last year of highschool. Normally you take up foundational subjects related to that course such as maths in highschool towards the end. I hadn't done that but somehow, maybe by sheer luck, passed the exam. This was my limit though. The intermediate portion of this course is so difficult it asks of you to study at least 8 - 12 hours per day for at least 4 months to be able to pass it with great marks. As you would have guessed, due to my track record, I hadn't developed any sort of work ethic or discipline. I started living with my parents again back in October last year and I vowed to beat my procrastination. I was aware, fully aware of my procrastination and the consequences it would lead up to. I started studying for Intermediate since Jan. 1, a month later I got slow again. Another 30 days go by and I finished one of the 8 subjects. From that point on, I wasted many of my days, I studied, but then took breaks. I was diagnosed with severe anemia due to years of bad eating habits, I got that fixed and thought that all of my laziness problems were due the low hemoglobin. My blood is completely fine now, I have even taken supplements and vitamins keeping my mind in perfect shape. But let me tell you that as this year comes to a close, nothing has changed about my mindset. I was supposed to pass the exam back in September. Now I considering giving only half of the subjects in Jan and giving the other half in May next year. I successfully wasted a full year, due to my procrastination habits. I see myself falling into the old problems that I have tried to tackle for a whole year now, but nothing seems to work. Even now with an exam of mine being tomorrow of another course I have taken (which is simply the earlier, more complex course, just in a simpler form), I seem to not care and have procrastinated the entire day. I am exactly where I knew I would be months ago if I continued with my procrastination, and I still let it happen. I saw the days go by, I vividly remember each month and week this year, telling myself that if I don't fix up I am done for. And I still let it happen. I am at a point where my procrastination prevents me from beating it. Even now, I write this post as a method to procrastinate. What hurts more is that I have lied to my parents, they think I am studying a lot and it's the course that's too hard. No, the truth is that I have wasted many months. I hate tricking the people I love. I would have been done with my academics at 23 and done many things if I just didn't procrastinate. I am 21 now, I have lost close friends, a social life and gave up a lot of time just to pretend that I am studying. I have nothing to show for this entire year.

@Letho Thanks man. Ill take your advice. I'll be me, I'll be authentic. Truth is naked.

I see intelligence as separate from wisdom and knowledge, and for the most part, I don’t believe intelligence can increase significantly. Interestingly, the top 1% of thinkers or achievers aren’t necessarily the most intelligent. Many individuals with the raw capability for extreme intelligence fail to develop effective and efficient mental models. Without these, even extraordinary intelligence won’t enable them to think or operate at the highest level. What’s more important—and often mistaken for intelligence—is clarity. Clarity comes from acquiring knowledge and structuring your mind, beliefs, and understanding in a way that allows you to see truths that might take others years to grasp. For you, those truths are obvious, almost intuitive. That’s clarity, and it’s far more valuable than sheer intelligence. Take, for example, the great physicists who’ve made groundbreaking discoveries. Their success likely stemmed from having better mental models and belief systems, especially around numbers and the mechanics of the universe, rather than from pure intelligence alone. It’s entirely possible that someone more intelligent than Newton exists today—maybe even someone in physics—but they might achieve nothing remarkable due to an inefficient mental structure. So if it's truly important and meaningful to you to be in the Top 1%, that's how you'd do it.

That's a very different concept than God Realisation

As a kid learning about him in school I just thought he was really dumb to realise something like that only after so much killing. After growing up, now I appreciate this as one of the hardest shifts from Red to Green in history

I have been feeling a strong pull down the spiral for the past year and I feel it's coming from unintegrated shadows in stages red to orange. I have the most massive shadow in Red. It's really unconvinient as it's hard to embody blue qualities because of that and integrating up the spiral. I want to master Red but I don't actually want to sabotage my relationships by acting Red. I have low confidence and possess insecurities that stems mostly from the Red shadow. I can easily break out of it if I am emodying Red, but not when I am living usually. It was due to some exceptional circumstances of isolation that lead me to actualized and develop some stuff in the higher stages. But the truth is that I am very underdeveloped and want to use this forum and SD as a leverage to accelerate my growth, even if it takes a few years. Can anyone please guide me in this matter? Especially in integrating Red.

@Ninja_pig Thank you very much for the resource, I'll incorporate it in my life! Yeah I agree. As I mentioned earlier, it's not that I am stuck at Stage Red or Blue. I have developed some aspects in the higher stages and usually sit somewhere between Orange and Green. I have been actively trying to use religion for the past year, following a daily ritual and all. But it has become apparent that my Red Shadows are preventing me from mastering Blue and Orange. These shadows manifest as me embodying the unhealthy aspects of Red, in order to feel Red, as I have not integrated it yet. Which means I often don't follow through with my goals, act impulsively and let down the people I care about, because that's my Red Shadow telling me, "Who cares? Don't think too long ahead, it doesn't matter." Giving me crazy nearsightedness in respect of my goals and ambitions. If somebody saw how I act in my daily life, they'll certainly think I am an asshole, and a person who acts mad shit for someone who can't even assert himself. TLDR; I have many aspects of unhealthy Red, but almost none of the Healthy Red. This must be due to a shadow.

The way it affects me is through lower self confidence. When I engage in a conversation with someone I hate to be loud and make assumptions about the other person, as I don't want to veer into a conversation I never intended for. Often, I think of myself as inferior in a given topic when engaging with someone in real life, unless the topic is something akin to Spirituality or Metaphysics. I feel too scared to make broad generalizations and statement about any matter in a physical conversation, be it related to the person at hand or any situation. I don't possess this fear in online discourse due to anonymity. Actually, even if my face and name was out here online, I'd still not feel scared due to the time I can take to think in crafting a response, I can even be assertive online. The biggest sign of my Red Shadow is my inability to be assertive in a physical conversation. I can do it if it's a close friend, but not with anyone else. Often times I need to assert something false to get my way, but I just cannot do it. Moreover, whenever I do act powerful, I become intensely self-aware and mess it up. I have no problem with saying no, it starts when I need to manage someone to get something done. It's like I am always worried about if the next thing I say is respectful or not, what if it's too rude? This sort of stems from my parents scolding me whenever I was assertive towards them. I was never assertive to anyone in my friend circle up until a few years ago where I gained some sudden confidence(limited to people I am close with, since I can estimate how rude I am allowed to be). The way I know it's a red shadow is that often times, the reason I am not able to control others and assert myself even when I am wrong, is not because of any morals, it's because I am too scared too. I think I'll take your advice of actively engaging in conflict without avoiding it. I'll face my fears.