caspex

Natural Selection

Update I have successfully been able to study for 7-8 hours a day for the past three days. 2 hours of reading two newspapers (relevant for an upcoming exam which tests current affair knowledge). About Sloth I think it is suffice to say now that I neither suffer from cowardice nor sloth. Sloth is truly about comfort. If I studied only one way prioritizing hours and not the learning, I'd be slothful. Why? Because it'd be me being bounded by the comfort of seeing those 8 hours on the clock, regardless of the quality of the study. Beating sloth is about diligence after all. I have been getting in quality hours, this is why right now I am not slothful. Unlike Cowardice, I don't think I have truly beaten Sloth, this is just an intuition and I can't detail why. I have a feeling that the benchmark to beat sloth has to do with the quality of utilization of one's time. If the time you spend is of low quality such as doomscrolling you are generally slothful. If it's of high quality meaning such as spending time with loved ones or pursuing a hobby or maybe seeking truth, you are not being slothful. Still thinking about how to benchmark beating sloth. What caused this change? Was it a change in attitude? No. I realized a while back that it wasn't my fault, but that it was the external environment which wasn't conducive for my focus. I talked it out with my family to support me fully and provide me with at least 12 hours of uninterrupted sitting. This is why it all works now. About Gluttony As for Gluttony, for the past three days I have followed a diet and have been eating around 2000kcal. This is not a real deficit for me but it's a big improvement considering I normally eat around 2700 - 3000+ kcal a day. I am 5'8 and 2100 would be enough to sustain me. Too much eating takes away too much energy in digestion. It's hard but I have been trying to eat only for sustenance rather than for escape. It's not terribly laborious but it does demand will. For gluttony of other sorts such as excessive media consumption, I also improved that SIGNIFICANTLY. The newspapers give me enough news for the day and the only real use for the internet media left for me is either to watch something spiritual, religious or sometimes a game like Chess. Instead of spending my free time on the phone, I spend it now with friends as my first priority and listening to some long form content I find interesting as I walk as my second. To continue with the 8 hour study schedule (which requires about 10 - 11 hours of sitting time) everyday I need to do something very meaningful in the evening to feel rejuvenated and do it all again the next day. After all those 12 hours take three fourths of my day (after deducting ideal sleep time) which leaves me with maybe 4-5 hours to do something I find very meaningful (apart from all the productive stuff, which I also find meaningful.) I have using that time to hit the cinemas or hangout with friends. I feel right now in my life I don't consume anything for other than sustenance, maintenance or productivity. This does qualify my benchmark for beating gluttony but I need to continue this for a while before I can conclude I have overcome it. A Critic of my Definition for Gluttony and a Possible Change to it Would visiting the cinema to watch a movie qualify as consumption for other than sustenance, maintenance or productivity? Well, for me it is quality time and I find it meaningful and rejuvenating. It is technically a sustenance consumption because it helps me feel relaxed enough to be productive enough the next day. BUT when I do that it's not what I have in mind. For me hanging out with friends or watching a movie at the theatres is a highly meaningful source of fun. I don't do it for productivity or sustenance or anything else. It'd indeed be wrong to cut out meaningful fun as a way to beat gluttony, because this type of consumption DOES NOT cause gluttony. What's interesting is that when I watch a movie I do so I can immerse myself into, which is a way to seek oneness through dissolution. This technically qualifies as Gluttony if you go by my earlier definition. However I did state that all seeking of oneness through dissolution is NOT gluttony, yet all gluttony is seeking oneness through dissolution. What's the difference then? I believe it's ESCAPISM. If escapism is involved then it is Gluttony. When I hangout with friends or what a movie in the theaters it is not from a place of escapism, and therefore doesn't qualify as gluttony. This calls for me to update the definition of Gluttony and the benchmark for what counts are beating it. Will do so in time.

Compulsions which restraint one's will and their counterparts Pride / Humility Vainglory / Authenticity Greed / Charity Lust / Chastity Wrath / Patience Envy / Respect Gluttony / Temperance Sloth / Diligence Cowardice / Courage Raga / Vairagya Boredom / Peace This journal is about me working through these compulsions and reaching some sort of predetermined benchmark. I assume that unless something structurally flawed comes up in the concept of this journal, it should run on for years. I want to start off by working on Sloth & Cowardice together. They go hand in hand in my situation. Either I act a coward or get sucked into comfort. These are the two compulsions which are affecting me the most in a negative way. Now that I have identified these problems I don't want to theorize anymore. I want to move from a theory oriented person to an action oriented person. I have been a coward for so long. My sloth made me eventually fear failure and now I am stuck as a coward who is too afraid to start things, commit or say yes to friends for any plans. This is why I lie a lot to cover my tracks. I look a lot better than I actually am. It's time to become more courageous and diligent. I don't yet know how I will go about this, but instead of theorizing some more I am gonna be brave and dive headfirst into the things I have been avoiding and see what happens from there. I am not gonna set a benchmark just yet to determine exactly when I am done with developing Courage and Diligence; this is because I am not yet developed enough in these areas to even set any sort of benchmarks. Just so I can't back out and be a coward again, I am gonna set a rule to post here at least every 2 days if not everyday. I just know I will have some sort of bad day and then my cowardice will compel me to not write about it, which will eventually lead me to abandon this journal. I am gonna be brave and work through this. I am gonna commit hard here because I am too much of a coward to commit normally. This is the type of stuff that will make me more courageous. If I fail after committing hard that will be a learning experience. I have been playing it too safe. This is why I am gonna make a public journal about it. I don't care if people see me as a coward, I am willing to be vulnerable because I am brave.

why what didnt you like?

What did you guys think of the backrooms movie? Me and a friend of mine just watched it in theaters two days ago and my friend and I still feel its effect. I think it's one of the best horror movies because it doesn't treat the viewer as stupid. For my friend it was genuinely unsettling because it ties into his own fears. It was slow but that's what made it so good. I can't shake the feeling of the backrooms off of me. I knew of the backrooms for a few years but for my friend this was completely new.

yes

In my life I recently learnt the lesson of giving credit where it's due. I used to rarely praise others yet often point out the mistakes or add my own opinion, only recently did I learn the benefits of praising things that you genuinely enjoy instead of staying quite. I urge the people here to give credit to posts they found to be of quality. A big issue I noticed with this forum compared to previous years is that the quality of posts went down. While I don't think the situation is anything serious, I think it is important to work towards a forum that holds discussions that are higher in quality. The easiest change one can make is instead of reading a quality post and moving on (because it's good enough that you have nothing to add) you should drop a reply detailing what you found great. I think if we did this more often people will be encouraged to drop more quality posts on the forum and push towards posting great insights. Whether one wants to admit it or not, the engagement your post gets matter. If the millionth post about Solipsism gets tons of traction but a genuinely great insight posted gets 0 replies, it discourages the person to post their best insights. I have witnessed so many times quality posts(especially in the spirituality section) get no engagement at all. I won't name anybody but there are some people here who I genuinely find to be regularly posting some high quality stuff, yet they get basically no engagement. It's because we post here to share which is why the engagement we get matters. If we engage with great quality posts; even dropping a simple "great insight!" can, in my opinion, greatly increase the number of quality posts on the forum.

this is my current goal, to embody this state the best I can. It's truly heaven when it happens and for me it happens randomly. It's like everything is a bonus. It's so fun I cannot describe the feeling. All anxiety is gone and you love everybody and everything. Life truly become Sunshine and Rainbows. Even the terrible shit is fun. When bad shit happens, even if your emotions turn into anger or depression, that whole ordeal is fun. The same way you would describe the change in emotions while watching a movie or playing a game as fun.

Lmao I certainly appreciate the spice @Mellowmarsh you bring a very important point to light. Here's what I think I do not advocate politeness, what I ask for is gratefulness and love. Politeness is not authentic when all you do is polish your words to make them sweeter. No, the point is living from a place of gratitude.. more importantly the embodiment of Love. This doesn't always mean sweet words. One's words can be very rude at the surface but if one is embodying oneself from a place of Love that Love oozes out of their being. In real life this Love can be detected through actions and tone. Even your very energy gives away the amount of love you embody despite how unpolished the words are. I love that authenticity, yet there is also a form of authenticity where the person isn't direct but rather playful. There words are not direct because their authentic Love manifests as feeling. There are many ways to express love and I commend you to pick one and are going with it Mellowmarsh. The problem arises when we converse on an online forum. Here, much of the other cues are striped away. The only source for that Love to present itself is through words. Maybe not explicitly, but implicitly such as how much interest you show in somebody's idea. Your authenticity which may come off as rude precisely does so because there are no other cues present. This would be my guess if you are truly being authentic. It is very important to note that if anybody reads this thread and decides to be more grateful, they do so from a place of genuine appreciation and not a place of sugarcoating. When I say I love something, and when I say I appreciate something I mean it truly genuinely. These words I write here are exactly my authentic feelings. @enchanted I agree with this. The main focus is group dynamics. Engaging with quality posts more often from a place of gratitude will encourage more quality posts. Even when I praise somebody I make sure the praise is real and not shallow. I do not praise people unless I feel they deserve it. The reason I did not praise people even when they deserved it earlier was because I did not operate from a place of love. When I see a person with a good outfit, I praise them because I genuinely mean it, not because praising them will gain me imaginary social points. Same with this forum.

This is why I usually avoid posts with maybe over 20 replies. The reason for vast amounts of replies on a post are seldom due to a quality discussion. Seeing that engagement while almost none on that of some quality post is what made me make this post.

I have a Samsung watch too the distance measurement and heart measurement have been fairly accurate at least to the degree it matters for me. You post has encouraged me to take a spiritual walk too. Thank you. I was thinking the other day about what I should be doing when I am in the state of non-doership. A weird question. Of course, my existence and existence are one, there is no doer only the happenings all through and through. I was thinking about this and it came to me what wild animals do in their free time. They either sleep or perceive reality in what I assume a satisfied state. Of course evolutionarily this can be explained as conservation of energy but that's not what the animal thinks about. Even as I walk in nature and sit and observe the trees and sky, I get these thoughts of productivity or the future or the past or maybe of people. However, you know what I feel when I simply observe nature as I sit there like a satisfied wild animal? That this is the point of life. It's not anything crazy. Just sit there on that rock observing the sky and the trees. That's the point.

Exactly. The rarest type of feedback I see is of genuine appreciation. In communities where this type of feedback is common they often host great spaces for discussion. Even in my relationships I observed how important it was to give credit to people where it's due. This is just plain gratitude. We shouldn't take quality posts for granted at all.

That's good then. Maybe I haven't been active enough to notice. Yes I agree we cannot guarantee what people consider as 'quality' and what they find 'trash'. However it's not practical to ask people to simply up their perspective. In my opinion asking for simple gratitude in a community can already up the base quality of posts because it encourages better posts. This forum may even become more active if engagement increases. It's not so simple. You can't post on a public forum and act like you did that only for beauty and intelligence. There is always an element of sharing and feedback involved. Some people post for validation, some post for help, some post for an honest discussion, some post to potentially help another and some post for analysis. We all have our reasons but their is common thread between all and that is feedback. Feedback can encourage or discourage to post more; but a lack of it always discourages. In my experience very high quality posts have gotten ignored because the kind of feedback they require is not of critic or addition (the easiest feedback to give). Sometimes what a post requires is genuine appreciation and that is the least common type of feedback. If we don't provide feedback to quality posts then they will eventually slow down. If this change towards gratitude has already been happening then I am glad.

Certainly a great reply! I am glad I posted about my experience here. Thanks. I think I may understand what you mean. I'll focus on that. I have come to understand that true paranormal (i.e. beyond normal explanation) only occurs at heavy intersections of liminality in existence. Liminal as in not just a transitional place but also a totally mysterious and unknown one. Maybe once you shift that center, you perceive your own liminality? If you can be liminal like that long enough, eventually siddhis (the paranormal) may emerge.

A few days ago I became lucid and as I did my daily upasana I had a crazy download. It thrust me into a state of non-doership and oneness. This came after a long time of trying to embody my awakenings. Only one thing ran in my mind at that moment, "The point of life is not to have fun, be peaceful, be joyful or self-mastery. The point of life is to be GOD." What being God meant to me was being a pure vessel, aligning yourself so deeply with God that all your actions happen in alignment with the world. I felt so happy but that wasn't the point, I felt so satisfied but that wasn't the point. The point was that I was GOD. This lasted for two days. I lost all sense of social anxiety and procrastination. I was very productive, I took on new projects which I otherwise would have rejected. I was very extroverted, made new friends and had so much fun hanging out with a friend. In situations where I would have gotten angry I was very understanding. My friend told me later that he felt guilt at being so selfish about something after seeing me be selfless with him. It was like I had been drunk for two days. I was in heaven, I could lay down in the middle of the street and I wouldn't care man. Yesterday morning I woke up as myself again. I tried getting back but I can't. I am not so productive once again. I haven't asked my deity to make me experience that again yet because I believe that was a gift to show me more. I am not sure what really happened. I feel this is a lighter version of how Krishna felt in his life. It was so fun, there was no internal resistance. Everything I did or thought of doing was so fun, yet fun wasn't the point, it was being God. What was especially crazy was I had insane amounts of synchronicity happen to me. I was luckier, or at least felt luckier. Is this a sign that I may be able to embody my awakenings soon or do I still have a long way to go? I really want to get back, or maybe that desire is what's stopping me.

My actions felt like a rock by the side of road, indistinguishable from stillness. I remember being terrified once at my non-existence but in those two days something new happened. Normally I'd be paralyzed at my non-existence, but in those two days actions happened, thoughts came about and the constructed self existed in heaven. However in each moment I was aware of non-existence and that the constructed self and the thoughts were simply part of the experience. What made this embodiment for me deeper was not only the performance of actions in an otherwise paralyzing state, but also the constant exploding fireworks in my heart for those two days. I did not have a head nor a body. I felt entirely non-human. I felt 3 layers of existence simultaneously in those 2 days. 1 - The constructed self, thoughts, body, emotions and mind. Heavily Purified due to a constant stream of energy to the heart 2 - Some unknown non-human self, not quite non-existence but pervading the experience thoroughly, existing in some weird fuzzy space 3 - Non-existence, the absolute truth.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by giving the vector of oneself? And yes, I do think I embodied that for a while and came back, now it's hard to even get back. It's like I exhausted a muscle and can't even glimpse it again until I rest for a while. Normally I am able to enter these states on command within 2-5 minutes, but now I just can't.. or rather don't want to at all. It's like I have fatigued a muscle which is recovering. Is this normal or does this actually mean I am missing something crucial and that my awakening is incomplete? I have never heard of somebody with the same problem, all I have ever heard of is people awakening to a deep enough degree that it alters their baseline permanently. I have been working steadily to raise my baseline instead.

I just made a post about it

Yeah it's like being the sky while your mind is the countless number of clouds taking various shapes. The entire reality becomes you so the whole world is your mind therefore the small mind you call your mind is not really yours or different. It's one thing that's existing among others, like a rock by the side of the road. Yet it is important to note there is indeed also a state where there are no thoughts and your focus is steady. That is cool too.

I had a nightmare which occurred several dream layers in like inception. I think I was 3 layers deep when my home turned into a dark version of itself, I walked to one of the bigger rooms on the upper floor, the whole house was dark. There were two beds and on them were my family's dead bodies covered with thin white sheets. I called out to them but they didn't respond. I was afraid to pull the sheets, but when I began to, I heard heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. The sound was approaching and I had to do something. I immediately became lucid and jumped up one layer to escape. I woke up in the second layer, in a lighter version of my house with a storm outside, I forced exit it to and woke up on the first layer, in the lap of somebody that was not real in a ideal home which was not real. I tried jumping again but it resulted in a mess. Everything turned to static and I saw words written and legible on the static. "Come back. Don't leave. This place is better. Come back, don't go. Stay, STAY STAY" I read each letter clearly. Then after a lot of mental tugging I finally woke up as if emerging from deep waters.

It gave me a glimpse of insanity and was enough to scare me off for a while. I felt insane when I was in that state. It's like a need to cry but there is no one who can. It's like needing to scream but there is no one who can. Very disturbing. However I did get past that eventually and realized the beauty in it. I can't embody it completely yet but whenever I do it's like taking a drug which makes you extroverted and productive. Productive because everything is fun to do. Life feels like frolicking around in heaven. I had that embodied for the two days, knowing we are all one and I have nothing to fear. Yesterday morning I woke up as my self again. Hard to embody it but I have gotten good.

Still going strong everyday with the Upasana. The grid has been so accurate by the way. I ask Rama stuff and get a reply back. It has never proven wrong or unreliable. This is beyond just chance at this point. I like to think this communicative ability is a result of a few years of sadhana. This is just the Nitya(daily) upasana. Imagine the days when I am doing regular anusthanas. I wonder when I'll do my first purushcharana, it'll be a few years at least.

My Upasanas are mainly based around Bhakti, which is what I'll be talking about in this journal. I am not here to argue whether the experiences and encounters generated by these practices is inside your head or there are actual beings contacting you. I think for these upasanas to work fast, it's important one is somewhat irrational, because Love is irrational. Bhakti is all about Love. My Practice Did my first upasana that lasted 40 days back in May. I practiced Bhakti towards Lord Hanumana. Read "Hanumana Chalisa" 7 times a day after lighting a diya, alongwith 108 times japa of "Rama", before and after the hanumana chalisa. Took around 30 minutes each day. That changed a lot within me, and it really opened up my emotions, my heart chakra is getting more powerful as I do these upasanas, and so is my third eye chakra. I'll talk about this in a bit. After gradually building up, I have started doing 100 Hanumana Chalisas with other mantras before and after the main upasana. Takes 3 hours if I am quick about it, 5 hours if I am relaxed about it. I do it at night, 9 PM - 1/2 AM. All of this is useless if you don't actually love the deity you are worshipping. If anyone reading this is seriously considering these practices, do not shy away from what you feel like is dogma. It's all based on faith. To truly appreciate the efficiency of these practices, you have to go balls deep into the religion. Don't be picking and choosing, do the practice as it is told. You have to really embody Spiral Dynamics Stage Blue, and that's important, because IT WORKS. My Anahata(Heart) and Agya(Third Eye) Chakra have received MASSIVE activation due to these practices. I can't tell you how much pleasure I feel in these centers 24/7 now. And if I think of Lord Hanumana or Lord Rama, I lose all sense of my sensory experience. It's THAT good. If you have problem with your expressing your emotions it'll fix that. If you have problems controlling your emotions it'll fix that. These practices simply work and it's amazing. My agya and anahata chakras are so active at all times that, if I let go of my control of them, tears will form instantly in my eyes, so much it'll cloud my vision. If I think of the deity I worship, I'll start crying. It feels like everything you do in life is just so you can have more time for Bhakti towards the deity you worship. You are not a slave to your deity, you do this willingly because nothing else feels as good. Not even sex, masturbation, food, exercise feel this good. Goal The goal of this journal is to promote interest regarding this amazing practice, and probably act as entertainment and motivation for those who do a similar practice. Motivation is really important at first, especially when you're devoting 3 - 8 hours every day just doing Japa.

Update The newspapers may solve the loneliness issue. It makes me feel connected to the world without the internet. You know I should stop beating myself over not being able to achieve my idea of productivity. What I should really be focused on is fixing the chaotic environment around me which causes me procrastinate in the first place. The major problem is really the unpredictability. My home's getting renovated and I have to do chores a lot. Before this I was plagued by my family being constantly in the same room. Now after these renovations I will have my own room. Having my own room is not the ultimate solution but it should bring stability and predictability in my life. Predictability of life is the foundation over which routines are built. This is why discipline looks boring. Apology I'll be honest, it was my fault to think that the 11C can be focused on to solve procrastination. The reality is that it is relative to the person procrastinating and in my case it's not just internal factors which cause it. I swear to do better and keep striving. That already absolves me of the compulsion of 'Cowardice'. I am not lazy in my life and definitely pretty active getting other stuff done like my renovation work and pursuing some hobbies. Despite that I'd still consider myself slothful. What's really the benchmark for Sloth? I'd say a person who acts diligently but that's too generic and not final yet. I am gonna put fixing sloth as side quest for now and focus on a new compulsion now that I have found hope and dissolved cowardice. Shifting Focus I am now gonna shift focus to fixing Gluttony. I eat too much, I am fat. I consume too much brainrot and useless media which I have no benefit or even fun consuming. So what's the benchmark? The benchmark is that the one who consumes only for sustenance, maintenance and productivity has overcome Gluttony. Practically this will look like eating to maintain good health, consuming media which helps increase the quality of my life through knowledge or genuine fun, intaking information which helps me expand my view of the world or helps towards my future. I will still consume certain media as I deem refraining it as a part of overcoming Lust. For now I focus only on Gluttony. I have struggled with being fat all my life. I am fat precisely because food is an escape mechanism for me. It's my way of releasing stress. I am 92 kgs right at 5'8. My goal is 70kgs.

Started reading newspapers. That particular newspaper if often referenced in the one the exams I have coming up in 2 years.