PurpleTree

just to enjoy the beauty of universe as good as i can

never tried those analogues, tried 2c-b like 3 times a bit like a light mdma with visuals especially one time was great when i took a very small dose and then took a walk in the snowy forest with a dog i remember your episode on plugging 2c-b and it apparently gave you some death experience

So in many ways i just don't have my ish together and never had. And i don't really want to burden a potentially good person/woman with that crap. Growing up in a single parent household. With an unstable parent who had some drug issues at some time. Having a lot of anger as a kid for not having a father and happy family and had a lot of frustration because my mom was unstable. Having "beef " with my mothers bf's. Grandparents died young. Basically no contact to my fathers side of the family, they live on another continent. Didn't have siblings or father who could help me at school against bullys. But i was still good at school until about 12-13 y o. Then something happened which made it worse. There was a funny guy who lived with us from when i was about 10-12. he wasn't my mothers bf but a friend that she knew since she was 16. It was fun to hang with him, i went to see horror movies with him all the time at the cinema because he got free tickets from his sister and went with him to all sorts of places, he was like a father figure for those two yrs. But then when i was 12 he got addicted to heroin, then at some point when we weren't at home, he broke into my moms and my apartment and stole quite a lot of money for heroin. He made it look like some one else broke in. But my mom found out it was him, he was gone from that day, never talked to him again. My mom didn't know how to handle her feelings, she knew him since she was 16 and trusted him. And i didn't know how to handle my feelings at all. Puberty hit at the same time. So from basically 13 i stopped lifting a finger for school, became more angry and withdrawn. Started hanging with the "cool/dumb/pot" crowd started smoking weed everyday. Effed up school. Only had sh*t jobs after school because of that f up. Never had a job for longer than about 15 months (which is typical add behaviour also) So that depressed me even more having to work sh*t jobs, not having a lot of money, often i was also not working at all. So then that went on for yrs or decades. So then about 7 yrs ago i went to jail for selling ecstasy. And when i came out of jail i had to finally learn a job/profession but i was under pressure from the court/jury and i was under pressure from other authorities, government offices. They gave me less jail time because it was a first time offence and because i told them i will learn a profession. Still i was on probation for 3 yrs. So i wasn't very free in deciding what profession i'm going to learn. Then me and those authorities/government offices decided for accounting. Which was totally the wrong decision in hindsight. Because it's none of my talent, maths was always my worst subject, i don't like sitting at the office all day and so on. I was good at drawing and stuff as a kid, the best in my class. But they told me the creative field isn't very easy to earn enough money and soo many people want to work in a creative field. I was thinking about the health field as my mother is a nurse and the job makes sense. But they told me because of the drug offence, many hospitals etc. might not take me because of the medication etc. So i learned accounting. I was decent at the exams and so on but now i had a job which i hated basically. So that was two yrs ago before covid. My plan was to go travelling for 6 months or more and then maybe even learn another job like in the health field etc. But then covid hit couldn't really travel. So now i'm Leo's age, i got another shit job in another field, only work 70% though, night shifts and i'm not sure what the future brings. Health wise i have some add, chronic fatigue, anxiety, gut issues, confidence issues, sleep issues I'm writing all that to say i basically never had mi ish together and don't know if i ever will. Might still go into the health field. Try to do something creative. Or try to become self employed in some ways. There are also many good things about me for example even though i did that ecstasy business stuff i had pretty high morals, i always brought pills to the lab to get tested if they're clean, never sold to kids, never cheated anyone. Many people always told me "what a good person" i am. And funny enough i always got compliments at how "good at that business" i was. Never sold cocaine or other drugs even though had countless options and could have made a lot of money, as i didn't like what i made out of people. Connected to nature. Often speak up for people who don't even speak up for themselves. Often go against the grain, which can be bad or good. I'm well traveled, pretty decent with languages. I want the best for everyone. Want to help people. Interested in many things. Interested in cultures and the world. Have a pretty good sense of style, although sometimes i'll wear ridiculous ish like a big pink t-shirt, but i sometimes get compliments. Have a creative mind and so on. If people ask me about jobs and career, i hate talking about that stuff because i find it frustrating, and lying also isn't an option. So how can i burden a potentially good person with such crap though? it's like a therapy session ayeeeee i might use this post for other threads too and edit here and there.

maybe if you find a good documentary on unhealthy food that shocks them but it's almost impossible to change people at that age if they don't want to

thanks bro it's like going to a job interview and when they ask "are you the best person for this job?" i think yiiikes probably not hehe, which is funny

protests in vienna

yea i don't really understand those questions as i already said. also i'm not sure if my focus is more on what i don't want than many others. personally i don't like to be around people too much who complain a lot, and in real life i also don't like to complain a lot.

so what are you trying to say

we can't even agree on things like covid and many other things though

it is what it is well in one way it's just a story in another way it influences my anxieties and feelings etc. so i can't ignore it it could still be a lot worse

*guru voice* hey there young grasshopper guy, the good feeling must come from within not from outside sources heroin also makes you feel good but it's not from within

still don't really get what you're trying to say. are you saying i focus on what i don't want in the work field or whatever? right now i'm working this job which i don't like but it's only 60-70% the rest of the time i try to focus on stuff i like like nature, sauna, traveling and so on.

travel to uranus

some days i feel almost ready/ready often not yea in a way it's similar to a guy who's very short, if he thinks shortness is a problem then it surely is yea i'm not sure about that, hope it doesn't turn into a nightmare i think i'll try to find a good naturopath first. i've had a bunch of talk therapists, it's hard to find a good one and it didn't really do anything for me. good luck to you too. even if i don't get my sh*t together, if i become a millionaire or end up in the street or whatever i'm trying to be ok with what is. don't get it you usually speak in riddles, is the riddler your role model?

or a MSGA hat make sirius great again and they love their populist candidate HFzugiuzhiurf1+%

cacao is love that's what i'm drinking right now

they're boomers

actually not necessarily funny enough in some european countries sometimes the younger generation of immigrants are more criminal, more religious and less integrated than the older generation. the first generation or the second might have tried hard to integrate and did fairly well. and then some younger generations are more disillusioned and might become religious fanatics etc. isis showed that too

many people had covid and didn't even realise it or had almost no symptoms

why not write the gist of it out here.

alright so the two nightmares i've had two or three days ago i think it was full moon, which influences my sleep sometimes and i was also in the sauna that day, which makes me sleep worse sometimes So in the first one there was a guy that i know/knew, very tough guy i went to school with his brother and i had a fight with this guy once, the guy did a lot of dirt and stabbed someone in a fight, needless to say i don't like this guy and think he's scary So in the dream he just attacked me from the front, i couldn't defend myself, it was night and he just slashed my face multiple times with a carpet knife. The cuts felt extremely real and went really deep. So when i woke up my pulse and adrenaline were very high. Then i thought is this dream trying to tell me something. But i didn't know anything smarter to do then just stay with the fear and try to feel it and let it go. So in the second dream i was on a meadow laying on a picnic cloth there was one other person on the picnic cloth, don't remember who. It was a sunny day. So i saw a tick on the cloth walking. And i'm scared of ticks because of lymes disease etc. So i tried to make sure that the tick doesn't get on me. But then i lost him and didn't see him. Then i had the fear that the tick is on my back doing his tick stuff and i can't take him off and i woke up still thinking it might be on my back and was scared. The funny thing about the second dream is that i think that it was one of those small cute red bugs with the black dots (don't know the name in english) but it totally represented a tick in the dream. Weird how things can represent other things in dreams or how we be so sure about things in dreams and when we wake up they don't make sense

that's fine no worries, i've had that since childhood before and after the weed. yup i remember i'll tell ya later gotta go to work nows.

I'm a crazy dreamer. So much so that my first memory of my life is a dream when i was about 2-3 multiple dreams a night, also often nightmares. also had a period with lots of sleep paralysis and other weird stuff when dreaming/at night i remember 2 nightmares from 2 days ago, pretty vividly when i was doing the pot i almost never dreamt but my sleep was perfect now i often can't sleep or wake up too early

what are you going to teach though?

I'm sorry but i do think it's partly because of immigration. Sweden even though once being wikings and tough mother f'ers and stuff became soft-ish and comfortable when they became developed. Many of those criminals come from war torn countries and have lots of trauma and have seen more violence, get hit by their fathers and are more violent. Swedes probably often don't want to fight till their death, they don't even have it in them, but some of those people from those regions do want that. It's often just not a great mix imo. I've seen it in my country as many kids from my soft-ish, developed country were bullied by immigrants or kids from immigrants from "harder" environments like the balkans, turkey, middle east and so on. And the teachers never really helped because they were so soft. how do you solve it? We (western european soft-ish countries) probably have to become tougher, which sucks because i want us, europe, the world to move into the direction of love and oneness not of becoming tougher