Thorsten Fuzzi

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Everything posted by Thorsten Fuzzi

  1. @Leo Gura Hey Leo! Love your work I've got a perhaps naive but pragmatic question: Have you ever tried so reach out to Ken Wilber or someone of that caliber and make him do psychedelics? If anyone, you could pull that off. Greetings from Peru!
  2. Hey Guys! I really long for a high-consciousness persective on my situation. I have heard many different things but no one really is brave enough or feels capable of having a strong opinion regarding it or one of the aspects. I'd be so grateful for every kind of advice and opinion. Thank you already for your effort. I don’t really know where to start. I will just try to open up as deeply about everything as possible an tell you the whole story, even though it might be quite detailed. Right now, I’m confused and very scared. My girlfriend is pregnant, in Peru, and will deliver in less than a month. After fighting via the embassy for weeks, I’ll probably have to possibility to be there and enter the country despite of closed boarders in about a week. Nonetheless, I’m really scared. I’m scared that it will be an irreversible mistake to be present in raising my daughter and here’s why: At first, I will have to explain the history of our relationship. We met in Peru when I lived there. We met right at the end of my stay there, spent some beautiful time together for about two weeks. She was 18 at the time, I was 20. To be really forthcoming, this experience opened me up a lot. Until then I was so scared of intimacy that I could only have sex OR be intimate with someone. When I really liked someone, I could not maintain an erection out of fear of being that naked (no pun intended). With her it was different. I felt I could open up completely sexually while fully being myself. It was so very liberating. I then had to go home to finally start Uni. Leaving her was painful, as I felt true sexual intimacy for the first time in my life to that extent. She said she would go to Europe too. Even though, I physically did not feel super-attracted to her and could clearly see that she had some serious psychological issues, I deeply liked her and the craziness of the whole idea. Seeing the pain and yearning in her eyes and really wanting to give life a chance to unfold, I could not say no, even though I did not think it was a totally healthy decision. I told her; I will be able to wait 2 months, she said I would just have to wait a little bit. Being in Germany again at my mom’s house, I missed her a lot and felt so bad for her pain. She was already indirectly suggesting that she needed money, without being really sincere about it. I knew it was crazy, but I just did not want to destroy her dream and wanted to see her again. So, I lent her the money for her flights and her stay. She stayed for 3 months and it was beautiful but also difficult. She had told me, her English wasn’t that bad, but it was inexistent. She had told me, she’s got a plan B in case we don’t work out, but she did not have ANY money and did not have contact to her extended family in Germany. She was extremely irresponsible, not taking care of herself, asking me to have sex without contraception all the time. I thought, this girl is a ticking time bomb but still, I was so much in love with her. Her psychological issues were horrible. Only in Germany she told me, she had had an abortion a couple months ago, after exiting a very abusive relationship, which explained a lot. I spent more time caring for her, than being her boyfriend. Then, when she finally flew back home, I already had the intuition of leaving her, but she was suffering so much, I could not do it. I asked myself: What’s the worst thing that can happen if you care for her a little longer? She really needs you. Thinking I could only grow with the experience, not ever thinking that I could actually harm myself. This was November 2018. She was trying to figure out a way to return to Europe and started working. I knew, I’m not fully happy in this relationship. Physically, I did not find her attractive enough to be in that sort of relationship, my attraction was always more than anything emotional. Besides that, I knew she did not have the same educational and financial opportunities and she was clearly harming me psychologically, although I could not see that. She was suffering so intensely and there was NOBODY of her family that could support her or really did try. She called me every day for hours, discharging all the misery and depression into the telephone. I thought it’s my duty to listen to all of it, even though it was so incredibly hard to handle, as there was no one else there to help and it wasn’t her fault how she felt. Even though I begged her for it, she did not see a Psychologist. In February she told me she feels suicidal, so the only option I had was to drop out of my whole semester at Uni, leave everything and go to Peru. We went to a little village in the mountains where I had some friends and stayed there. Slowly she was getting a little better and I was realizing that I’m really not happy in this relationship. I’m giving so much and getting so little in return. (At the time I thought; I’m being egotistical for feeling that way) I was realizing, I do not have to stay with someone, when I could be with someone that attracts me a lot more a does not make me suffer in all these ways. But I also knew; when I go, nobody will be there. I flew back to Austria where I lived by then, and I felt I had to end it, not totally clear though. On top of everything, she was still rejecting my begging to use ANY method of contraception apart from condoms, as they do break sometimes, and we had already done our second test of pregnancy for that reason. I told her; I will pay all of it myself. She denied more than once. She finally started psychotherapy and slowly started getting better. She had the plan to come to Vienna as an Au-Pair, so she worked at a hostel for saving money and took German classes. Nonetheless, I had to lend her the money for all of it. Her abusive family was not helping her at all. I felt so trapped in this relationship. She was so dependent on me – psychologically and even financially – even though I told her clearly since the beginning; I do not want this. Apart from that, I still loved her a lot and felt really sorry for her. At the time I was reading “Sex at Dawn” by Dr. Ryan, a book about non-monogamous ways of relating and I resonated so deeply with it. Despite of all the suffering that came into my life with her, I did feel open to have an intimate and romantic relationship, I just didn’t want to feel trapped anymore and be able to relate to other people more easy-going and compatible with my own necessities. We had already talked about it a lot and in about March I decided; I want to live like that. I waited for her decision patiently and she told me she wanted to try it, too. I let her go out with someone first and it really felt right for me. She had a beautiful experience, it was all very trustful, so there was no jealousy on my part, I even enjoy watching us grow with that level of trust and freedom. We developed a written “contract”, exactly setting our boundaries. The most important rule was, to always communicate with whom we want to have which experience and what our sincere intention is with that person before anything happens, so the other partner could choose to say no, in case he or she did not feel comfortable with it. When I started going out with someone, she went into a horrible phase of jealously and hurt, reacting totally chaotic, even though she had told me, she had educated herself about that way of relating and was willing and ready to live it. I felt miserable and guilty. I stopped going out with people, despite of it feeling really right for me, because I did not want to hurt her in that way. About the same time, I think, she told me she wanted to have a threesome with a non-monogamous couple that was staying at the hostel. It was my biggest fantasy and she knew I would like to try it with HER for the first time. After contemplating it, I said yes despite of that, thinking we could learn from this more experienced poly-couple and it would perhaps make our own experience better. The next day I asked her about the experience. She told me, she had slept with the same girl but a totally different guy that worked at the hostel, deciding it would not matter. My heart was broken so horribly. She had shared my dream with some random people, not telling me about the person OR the intention, not giving me any possibility say no. I could not trust her. Shortly after this, I was so sure I have to finally end this misery. I was suffering so much. She needed money all the time, was giving me false dates in terms of how much more time I would have to wait. After I finally broke up with her, she exploded in suffering and crying so badly, telling me I can’t do this to her, she doesn’t deserve it, when I leave no one will be there anymore – as I realize today, manipulating me to stay. I felt so much pity for her (and despite of all, love). I didn’t want to ruin her dream and told her; I will try it one last time. Things between us got a little better, but I still was unhappy, unable to live my own life in peace and focus on my spiritual practice and university, always having to solve her problems. I told myself after all that waiting, I will at least wait until she’s here and if it doesn’t work, break up in persona. In August, when I was hitchhiking in Romania, she called me; telling me she’s about to kill herself over some family issue. I spent one hour or more convincing her not to do it, her having a lethal poisonous cocktail in reach of her hands. I felt so helpless, so trapped, so powerless. I really did not want to have her in my life anymore, but her life was in my hands. She decided not to kill herself at the moment I told her “Vámonos juntos!” and she responded with the same phrase, which means “Let’s go together!”. I could not leave her anymore, without potentially killing myself. I had literarily saved her life, saying I’ll be there for her. I had to keep my promise for some time at least. In October I was convinced there is no way I can handle it anymore, so I set myself a deadline in November. When I would still feel the same way then, I would leave her despite of all the suffering she was going through. At this point I was already so used to the suffering that it was hard to see its severity. A couple days before the deadline ended, and a couple after her birthday she called me again, telling me; she had been raped by a taxi driver that on top stole her credit card and emptied her bank account of the savings for flights etc. For all that, I could not leave her like that. Who could have? I told my parents, they supported me financially regarding the travel, and I dropped out of my semester again, to be there physically for her at least. That’s all I could do for her. But that time she was already working with a very good psychologist, which helped a lot. It was an, obviously, very challenging time, but despite all of it, there was a certain beauty in the extremes of the situation. It was incredibly intimate. However, there was no question anymore, I had to get away from this relationship. I wanted to say goodbye in persona, but her psychologist told me, I should wait until I was in Vienna again. So that’s what I did. One or two weeks passed, I was studying all day and taking some exams I still could take. I sat in my room in Germany, painting, when she called me to tell me that she’s pregnant. A condom had broken again. I broke. This was the first day after all this time, I could not keep up my meditation practice. An intense journey of trying to figure out everything at once set off that was so dense, that I will give you bullet points: - We realized we have to consider not carrying the baby to term under these circumstances and set a deadline to decide - I opened up about wanting to leave and my unhappiness in the relationship - I finally accepted that I really did think and feel it would be, mainly responsibility-wise, unbearable to really have the child - She decided she will have it, despite of me - An extremely challenging conflict between us broke out. It took us about 4 months on-off to resolve it - I did not want to lose all my dreams, plans or spend my life with her o Traveling is the most soulful activity I know. I wanted to travel the world, experience different cultures and forms of spirituality. My whole carrier-path as an Anthropologist was set to enable me to do this for a living, while giving back to the world o Artistic projects, Snowboarding and relating sexually are the second most soulful things I experienced in my life. I will objectively loose the most part of all of it, raising a child under these circumstances, for time and money reasons, and also: o I need to get a vasectomy. If this can happen once it can happen twice and me and my first child will have a huge problem. I will never be able to have a family with someone I really want to or not to have one ever. o During all of this time I went through a strong spiritual process simultaneously and I knew I had to realize myself eventually. I thought I will spend at least a year in a Buddhist monastery as soon as possible. Not doing this felt like denying my upper-world purpose of waking up. o I was so scared of her and partly still am. I don’t want her to bring anymore misery in my life. o I never wanted children in the first place, at all. Especially not with her, especially not with 22 years, in this situation and before having woken up or embodying my purpose. - Only after 4 or 5 months she told me I could leave. That she had not decided to have the child for or against me, but because it was her deepest truth. That is something I can relate to and deeply respect, even though it would not have been my decision. But it was too late. I had already told my family and friends and slowly and taken it on as my fate a lot more. - It took me about half a year and two meditation retreats to really get out of shock and only very recently I started thinking more clearly, without all the guilt, shame, blaming, anger and fear. And being really sincere, I have to accept the will of the little “me” is that, if I could, I did not want to see her again or have children ever. I’d like to concentrate fully on my spiritual practice and express spirit it through my passions and carrier. On the other hand, I do feel very responsible for and love my child. Regardless of using contraception, regardless of the reason for my travel, regardless of everything I’ve been through trying to better her life, if I would not have slept with that woman, this child would not exist. That’s just the way it is. Her and I both have grown incredibly during these past 8 months, because we had to. Our relationship is more mature and closer than ever, and we have a very loving and respectful communication and mutual support by now. Regarding the nature of our relationship, we have planned to rent an apartment in Peru together, but will quickly act on our plan for doing it separately, if there is any sense of conflict. Our long-term plan is for me to come to Peru half the year for the next three years until she finishes her degree as a physiotherapist and then her moving to Vienna. (The latter could be very difficult for financial reasons and both of us being foreigners and not married.) The reason I’m taking the purpose course is my intuition that life, in taking all my dreams and plans away all at once, it is telling me not to play ANY games anymore. I have to come to terms with my responsibility of waking up and expressing it uncompromisingly through the limited means of my individual self. The resistance I’m working on right now is specifically fear. I’ve mainly got two voices in me: One, telling me: Life is giving you a gift. Receive it! Take on all the struggle and risk, let go all of your dreams and let life decide where to take you! You’ve made that little human, care for her. She has grown incredibly; it’s all going to work out. The other one is screaming: Run! Run, as long as you still can! Your life will be so much more pleasant and powerful in giving to the world and you happier! Her presence is too dangerous. So even though I feel love for my daughter that I’ve never felt before and I’m quite sure it will potentially be able to dissolve a lot of resistance, I don’t want to be stupid and let go everything out of hubris. As the flight is almost there, I’m so scared that I will go to Peru and realize it was a mistake. I don’t want to be a dead-beat dad. Once I got to know my daughter, I can’t ever leave her, and I know that so deeply. Even after letting go of all my passions… What if I find my Soul Purpose is not compatible with really being there for my daughter? I’m open to other constellations of parenting but don’t want to half-heartedly parent, but if so, give myself completely to its mystery. I know it’s impossible to comprehend such a situation from the outside and it is fortunately not common. Be that as it may, perhaps you can empathize, the only thing that's left is completly figuring out my life purpose. After all, that’s what I’m here for. That’s the one thing I owe the world, that’s the one thing I owe my daughter. In case you can realte to any of the aspects of this story, I'd so much appreciate healthy advice or listen to similar experiecnes, if you had any! Thank you so much!
  3. Finally "traditional" masters are getting it too. What a time to be alive. Much love!
  4. This podcast is of a friend of mine. It's quite psychedelic, if you're into that stuff. I really love it and also just want to push the project a little.
  5. @Vercingetorix Hello my friend (and everyone else )! I'd love to hear your perspective on the following: Today I recieved a download from consciousness: The primary and universal purpose of my life is enlightenment, by which I mean literally becoming a light in this world and achieving the quantum leap of Self-realization somewhere on the way, the secondary and indivudual purpose of my life is to give a voice to consciousness. This is my mission. The two best instruments available to me are my podcast and work as an anthropologist. The latter necessarily, but ideally both of them involve a lot of travelling and extensive periods of solitud. If I am true to my life purpose, I will never ever except a partner that does not want or is not able to do that with me. So if Emily was not pregnant, I knew exactly where to direct my energy and what to do with my life. I would leave her immediatly and follow my bliss. But as a matter of fact she is. And I love my daughter in a way I have not loved before. I'd love to be able to leave her but I think it's impossible. Yes, it was Emily's choice, but it is not my daughter's fault to be born under such circumstances. I don't want her to have to grow up without a dad, little money, and in a developing country. To live my life purpose in such a way would be heaven on earth, but it seems almost incompatible with raising a child. Nonetheless, there maybe are ways to compromise in a way that is benificial to everyone, I just can't find one yet. What is really no option for me, is to half-ass fathering. It's hard to imagine how to be a dependable and strong father figure for this little person, but then only being there e.g. half of the year. Due to the mother bringing nothing material on the table it would be financially extremly challenging too. Maybe you can share some thoughts on the situation. I'd appreciate it a lot! Much love!
  6. @Byun Sean What incredible syncronicity! I did ask myself that the first time yesterday. Thank you!
  7. @Vercingetorix Second, it sounds like you did a really good job helping and evolving your girlfriend. Although all of her stage red behaviours are hard to stomach, it seems she is a unique person, and has the desire to evolve and can be in the long term a good partner and parent - is this the way you feel about it or not? It's hard to say. If I wouldn't be connected to her in that way, I would not keep up with it anymore. Why should I? Her center of gravity is rather green, but she has strong red cultural conditioning that has been very destructive from time to time. Nonetheless, the growth she went trough in just two years is remarkable and something I've never seen in people that had a overly safe, european upbringing. So that gives me a lot of hope, but in the end I really don't know. And if you realize that your LP can't be achieved while raising your daughter - well - parenthood only last for so long, after maybe 14-18 years you will become relatively free again. So you might have to wait for a little while and start your Life Purpose at age 35-40, Which is still pretty young and you will have a Daughter which is amazing. You are one bautiful soul my friend. Thank you so much for leading my awareness on the possibilty of embodying my life purpose while having a the joy of a grown up daughter! I literally cried a tear of relief reading this.
  8. @Potato People King So, undergo a paternity test. She might want to talk you out of it, but persist and go for it. Of course I will. She also agreed to do so. Also to impregnate a woman is not usually so easy, many couples try hard for a long time to get pregnant! Well, it doesn't seem to be for me haha. But seriously, thanks a lot for your down-to-earth and compassionate advice. I will take it to heart!
  9. @Preety_India Thank you for your advice and wishes!
  10. @Preety_India But you need to realize the irresponsibility in a situation where you weren't sure if you wanted the woman in your life and now a child is on the way.. As I wrote, she literally got raped. Who cares about relationship stuff in such a moment. I just wanted to be there for someone I love, no matter if we're togehter or she's just a friend. I could not leave her in such a moment.
  11. @Akemrelax Your focus is so split I don't see how you can properly do even one of these things. That's very true. I think your daughter is a sign from the universe to anchor your life. Prioritize doing important things. That's wonderful. I was feeling that too. Thanks a lot for your beautiful advice!