Realms of Wonder

I come to the forum for perspective, wisdom, and to connect with others on this journey as we grow. Not for entertainment or for fun. It’s a great idea, just not for the Actualize.Org forum. That’s my perspective

Tears are beautiful, a sign that emotion runs free. growing up with an environment that looked down upon difficult enough emotion, or feeling too deeply, learning to FEEL, and BE with feeling, is hard, but a joy.

I know, I know, that's exactly what I am doing in this question. But a few of you are very wise, and may have perspective to share that may help. Any thoughts?

Lots of "I" talk coming. 6.5 weeks ago, I quit social media and YouTube cold turkey, besides one or two slip ups, and very rarely looking up a specific videos for my music or for something intentional I have stopped. Why? 1. I was using both as distraction from the work I want/need to do to develop my self, my music, my health, my relationship with my self, my habits, and so on. 2. YouTube specifically: Yes I was using it to learn, but really, to offload the responsibility of figuring out life for myself. Relying on external sources as a cheap substitute to thinking things through myself. 3. My mind was getting cluttered, with the images and videos from Instagram/Reels, and information from YouTube, plus all the junk I was putting in there, mindlessly scrolling through either platform. 4. I was wasting 1-4 hours a day. In the beginning, it was awesome, My mind felt more free, clean and open, I was contemplating things I had been putting off, I bought some notepads and put them all over my apartment and was writing down questions and thinking about them more often. I was eating healthier, I started losing fat, and could even see my abs defined. I was making really good choices. Asking questions I'd never given time to before, which lead to more clarity, uncertainty, and a feeling that I was on the right path. During that time, I moved out! I have been living alone now for 3 weeks. Here is where it gets interesting. About week 2-3 weeks in, I had a major ego backlash, which I still feel I am facing daily, here and there. My willpower seemed to drain, I no longer felt as motivated by my music, or reading and so on... I started snacking more at work (almonds, bacon, chocolate, GF cake, Vegan ice cream, GF Pizzas, and so on.. I work in a kitchen.) Sometimes gorging myself on cake late at night. I started staying up later and later, sometimes up to 2-3 in the morning, which threw off my morning routines. I started short-cutting my morning routines, 30 minutes of music practice instead of 45, 20 minutes meditation instead of 30, read for 15 minutes instead of 30, you get the idea. I began researching DMT, how to extract it, the whole process, then bought all the equipment and got to work. which is fascinating, but I have been focusing more on that then anything else, leading other things not getting the focus they need. I have been dealing with constipation and bloating, which is improving but its I am allowing it to stress me out. This might sound funny, but uncertainty of your next poop happening or not... Gets to me My lower self, seems to be louder and louder in my head, trying to seduce me to do things that I have come to understand as bad for my growth. These are just some of the examples Deeper then all of the behavior, is a deep feeling of fear, that I am going insane, that I am losing grasp of reality, and even worse then that is a feeling that I am actually living less authentically now then I was before. When it first started coming on I thought "Oh, okay, an ego backlash, makes sense, I have been growing, its about time." but then it continued, on and on it seems. Whatever is going on, I will not let it stop me, I will continue to show up, day after day, taking my walks, meditating, creating, reading, asking questions. Its a challenge, and so I look ahead to those of you who have been on the path longer, who understand its twists and turns, ups and downs, better than I. Am I doing something wrong? Or right? Are these signs that I am growing? How do I manage the prolonged backlash? Am I being too impatient? What important questions am I not asking? Open to any serious feedback, thank you for your time. -Paul

I get that, it sucks us in, feels good enough to keep us there, and bad enough to make us want to avoid leaving. What do you want to do with your time that you are spending on YouTube?

Definitely an increase of awareness of... Vocal tone, articulation, vocabulary, confidence, resonance. on low to medium doses of LSD Psilocybin, and DMT. This is my opinion, and it could be wrong.. Consciousness. That is Why, one is more conscious of the voice and its capabilities.

That's still relying on others for answers and solutions. Can you tell I am a Newbie from the way I talk? Absolutely! its quite a journey, finding an inner balance to it, between external truth, and our own Truth.

'The way we see a problem, IS the problem.' - Stephan covey

Leaning deeper into those practices, good advice. That's quite a song, and that picture is spectacular. Thank you

Use the Forum Facetime my parents Read Go for walks Cook food Play Music Listen to Music Sit Meditate Ask myself questions Watch movies that inspire me, motivate me, or have a great message OR great Music. Eat food Text

Google it. Or you can buy Leo's booklist and read the 5 star ones. https://actualized.org/books

Generally, yes. Interesting to see. I could be wrong, but I like to think of psychedelics as a sort of elevator through the spiral, not for many, but for some, it can give a view of the vista of a new level/stage. Not for many though.

Oh heart, why did I doubt you? Oh song, why did I silence you? Oh Mind, Why did I believe you? Oh well, I'll die soon. My heart yearns to express itself in new ways, ways that others and myself cant even imagine. I see myself living in a way that no one understands but me, not needing anyone to care. Because I care. I care about Authenticity. I care about Beauty I care about Wisdom and Love, and Purpose and health, Truth, and God. I care about what I CARE ABOUT. And nothing else matters. Its okay if I die alone. Because I am already dead, and always alone. Its okay if people shit on my music, its not mine, I just play it. Its fine if others dont like me, because I am learning to love myself as I am. So what if they hate me, I love myself. So what if they doubt me, I doubt me too! So what if this life is just pointless, that's fine, I'll keep creating, playing music till I die.

Very interesting questions. At work, I am constantly bombarded with the "right" way to do things. The people around me are very experienced, and I am still learning to trust myself, quite a combo. Lately I have been intentionally verifying what they say, so I know for myself that it is true. I live alone now, and that is partially where this question comes from, the solitude and space brings a sense that who I am is changing, and what I think is groundless, and that I have not questioned or verified 99% of my life. The thing is.. I dont mind others giving advice, but at my core, I want to do things a new way. An authentic way. My way, maybe I use others advice to help that happen, maybe not. I dont want to be a complete fool, just enough to figure out what works for ME. Thanks for asking! very thought provoking.

Haha, that's an amazing connection. 'Music =/= Psychedelics' Music is very similar to psychedelics to me as well! and from a certain perspective, there IS no difference between music and anything else. Glad to hear that music has helped you through your journey What kind of music has impacted you the most?

Thank you! another great resource. (I see now where you get your profile photo from )

Thank you for your comment, I feel the pain of YouTube withdrawals right there with you. Why do you want to quit? That is true, I often forget how far I have come. Its been nearly 5 years exactly since I dropped out of college and accepted the first call. its been a long road to here, and a longer one ahead. thank you for your kind words! Strength and love, for your journey and path.

It's like you're in my mind, reading the thoughts I cant yet put words too. great perspective, thank you again.

On reflection. This is very accurate, thanks for sharing.

Articulated well, thank you. I can't depend on anyone to give me Truth, just me, all there is. There's a feeling like I am on the precipice of a breakthrough, in the breaking, before the through. What is your perspective on integration of sadness/melancholy?

Only the first half of my day is routine, meaning, I do it 98% of the time. 1. soon after waking up, go for a 20-30 minute walk, and drink a whole hydro flask of water (40 oz.) As I do so, thinking of the day I want to have, letting my thoughts wander, contemplating. 2. Music: 30-45 minutes, I can always do more but that's the minimum I have chosen for myself. 3. Meditate: 30-45 minutes on my couch. 4. Read: Right now I am writing notes on a book, using OneNote. The order may change, but those things happen almost every day. Other things. 1. Gym, I work out 2-4 times a week. 2. Work, I work 40-45 hours a week. 3. sit and think, write down thoughts, write down questions on notepads. 4. Make DMT. 5. Process difficult emotions that arise. 6. Psychedelics, other than DMT. I dont trip more than once every two weeks. 7. Peruse The forum/Ask: questions/for advice Lately, the thing that has been helping the most is self acceptance, I am changing a lot right now, its painful and I feel loss. I am learning to accept that, its normal, I am growing. Also, writing down questions, and making time to answer the ones that feel important.

Thank you ❤️ It feels like I’m dying a slow death, I’m changing, parts of me are falling away. There’s a feeling of melancholy, the passing away. Thank you for your perspective

Those are all awesome, I especially like the bold ones. Thanks for your perspective!

Interesting! I know you made your point already, but I want to understand completely. Is there any part of your desire to listen to music that is driven by anything other than stimulation? Or is that all? what about music designed to for mystical experience? Would that still be lumped in with everything else?

I love that! Music is always there isn't it? When we have a rough day, or a great day, or any type of moment, music is always there when we need it. It really IS a friend, constant, supportive, giving, it listens, gives advice, its everything. Thanks for that, Music that... Is a friend. may make this list