moda__

I need to remind myself to think of it like this, detachment from results emotionally; in something as trivial as a video game especially. I think I need to find games I actually enjoy more instead of just playing a game to get good and rake in dopamine. It's much harder to do this when you do the latter.

Thank you for this video, I watched it and a few other from her, it has helped me look into myself a bit. I feel like it is so hard to figure out why though, when I ask myself this question frame I sometimes can't find an answer in the situation that comes naturally :(. Maybe I just need more practice, I think my core belief might've been a feeling of worthlessness as I highlighted in a response above ,but I'm really not sure.

I've been thinking about this response for multiple days, and watching the video of the girl who talks about understanding our shadow to hope to understand myself a bit more. I think the problem was that I didn't actually enjoy that game particularly, sure I enjoyed winning, but the game itself I stopped enjoying a long time ago. It's a very demanding game called starcraft 2, an rts, I'm grandmaster at it, I however hardly enjoy it and really only play it because I'm good at it and get dopamine when I win. I have another game I've been playing that I actually DO enjoy whether I win or lose, so comparing and contrasting these two helped a bit. I do think I'm a perfectionist, I have trouble finding the core belief of why, I think at some point when I was younger since I'm still in my teens just late teens. I had a view of extremely low self worth, over time I've been improving myself quite a bit and am completely different than I was like 4-5 years ago. But I still have habits that I had when I had low self worth I think? Like feeling the need to be perfect and never being satisfied, or getting insecure and upset when I lose a game wanting to blame the game or just being really upset and emotional. Probably has something to do with what you said. I self reflect and introspect alot, I'm still having a bit of trouble finding the true reason, as the reason above is just the reason I've hypothesized, not sure if it's the ACTUAL reason. I watched the video you linked and tried that, but it feels like I can't figure it out, even when I'm mad if I just ask myself 'if that were true why does it matter' no answer really comes to mind. I have tried something that is muting my anger in gaming, but idk if it's the answer, I just tell myself consciously that I'm better than everyone else so if someone says im bad or if I lose I won't get mad because I have a higher worth to me than the other person by alot so how could I possibly get mad. It seems silly but it actually has been working and I haven't raged or gotten angry at all using it so far. Maybe the core belief was worthlessness

Me and my friend who actually told me to post on here and, who introduced me to leo's channel have been going over these responses and trying to understand myself better. I think I don't enjoy the 1v1 game I play it's more a dopamine grab, which is what makes it super addicting. I'm like addicted to winning no matter what the game is unfortunately so walking away is really hard because it feels like there's not much that can give me the instant gratification that the games im good at do. I love hanging out with friends and watching shows and stuff as well but I can't always do that. I do however have a game I enjoy just to enjoy and I've been trying to play that alot more, it still feels good to win and I sometimes have to try not to get upset when I lose which is what im trying to fix. But I actually enjoy playing it win or lose rather than it being purely a dopa mine grab.

I know this probably seems like a weird thing to post about, but I love playing video games quite a bit. However when I lose I feel seething rage and don't really know what to do as I don't want to be toxic. It's not your typical irritating when I lose I want to rip someones head off every time, I think it might be a fragile ego thing or having a huge ego. Mixed with being super competitive, but I want to know hot to enjoy playing video game without feeling super fucking mad when I lose one game or a player on my team is playing bad, again I think it's important to clarify I get much much more angry than the average person much much more quickly and really want to stop but dont know how.