Hi, I've just come to my family home for a holiday and I am concerned with my brother's life.
He lives with mum now, he is 22. Our dad tragically died 2 years ago. Our family has a history of abuse, drama, tragedy, misunderstanding, hate, poverty, alcohol abuse etc. My mum lives in victimhood, she worries all the time, her life is all about struggle and pain, and us vs. them. I think that her and mu brother are very unconscious and I see how they create their own misery out of lack of awareness, knowledge, hurt, trauma, fear. Since I was a child I was always involved in their drama. I felt that I am the only clear-thinking person and I felt responsible for opening their eyes. I was left injected with my family toxicity. I'm 29 now and I went through therapy, self-development and I am relatively happy now. I take full responsibility for my life and I am focused on self-improvement and living my life the best I can.
However, whenever I visit my family home or remember about my mum or brother, I feel fear for them. I can see how much work it took me to be where I am right now. And I see that the way they live their lives isn't 'good' by my standards. I wish they had different values, I wish they felt loved and were more open and loving themselves. I want them to be happy and suffer less. My brother is still so young (7 years younger than me. My mum made me responsible for him when we were children and I still feel he is my baby. I love him so much) and I think that he will reap bad crop in the future. That he might get involved in some criminal activity or so. And I don't know what to do. Observing it hurts me, but I don't feel equipped to help him, change him. I have my own life to take care of. I've just started uni and I am focused on developing my art career. I had a plan to help him by giving him a good, loving example, but witnessing his lazy, narcissistic attitude makes me want to get involved. My mum still calls me and asks me to talk to him, influence him, because she... prefers someone else to take care of her child? Well, now as I write it, I feel sorry for myself and I realise that I have all rights to focus on myself, finally. And I think that my brother and mother are adults and they can take of themselves, right? And have the right to live a miserable life? Who am I to tell them what's right or wrong? Who am I to change them? I have my own standards and they are mine. I am writing this because I get lost and confused and feel responsible and upset. I wish to hear other people's opinions to have more clarity or validation. I feel like a bad person for not getting involved with their life, for I think I know better and I could possibly know how to solve their problems because I solved many of mine. I guess I might feel guilty for focusing on myself and getting my shit together when they haven't changed much. Should I work on my people-pleasing issues or maybe find a way to get to my brother? I tried many times, but I haven't found a way that makes him listen to me. I know he loves me, but he can be disrespectful and he is usually smug. It costs me a lot of energy to stay calm and accepting. And I think that it would cost me my life to change his, and who will take care of mine then?
I'm sorry if my writing is chaotic, hopefully, it makes sense.
