Sanity

My trip intentions were focused on understanding embarrassment, fear and lust in relation to my insecurities as a perfectionist. [Trip report] I am lying down on my bed looking up into the ceiling, there are moving lights or shades reflected by the cars from the outside coming from the window. The shade seems to have several dimensions of shade, there are layers and they all had their own specific colour. They moved and they danced. My chandelier started to dance as well, every string for itself. Suddenly the curved chandelier turned into a full square and flicked back and forth in pulsating flow. It was breathing. The wooden veins on my closet started to move and fluctuate in speed. The nipple of my chandelier turned into a nipple of a mother figure and the lights or shades from the reflecting light coming through the window turned into the body of a mother figure. The Motherly body figure turned into a macho man in his pride. I felt the raw power of something which felt like superiority and confidence. I felt like I could reach for whatever I wanted to and that everyone would love me for doing it. There was a switch in consciousness and suddenly I was reduced to what I felt like was a minor, decayed, diseased and ugly man. I was seeing myself completely unlovable and disgusted by society. But there was still love somehow, it was just manifested in hobbies and interesting occupations. I swapped back to the superior man and sex was my love, and that was the only love I knew, but it was not a problem because I could get all the sex in the world I wanted. I turned back to the minor man, but this time I was sitting on a bench with an old lady on the brink of death. I was sitting there well knowing, that we didn’t have a long time before death would take us and that sex wasn’t the way to love anymore, because our sexual organs were fully dysfunctional. But I was sitting there with this old lady which was my wife, and holding her hand. We were smiling and gazing out on the horizon. Love and beauty were manifested through gazing at the beauty of life and that you had someone to share it with. I found myself at the toilet trying to pee but felt like I have partly forgotten how to pee. The room was dark, I forgot to turn on the light… Suddenly I feel a sensation in my body that makes my body feel like a universe on its own. It feels like a meteorite, planet or sun are moving through a galaxy, which is my body. I realize that it is just me pissing, but it seems so magical in its experience. I got back to my room. I’m looking out of my apartment window, I’m seeing all the cars moving in their rigid lanes and seeing the light in the traffic light change. I noticing the sensation of being able to feel the cars moving inside of me and the light changing from the traffic light. It’s almost like I’m both my body and the world simultaneously. I start looking at a single hair on my hand and touches it with my other hand, I’m amazed about the intense sensation I get from that single hair. I walk back to my bed staring at my hands then my blanket, then back at my hands while everything else in the room blurs out. I realize that my hands and my blanket are the only things that exist. I look closer to my blanket and are amazed at how many details there are to be found in my blanket, I zoom in to a specific spot on my blanket and details continue to arise. The details seem to have no end the further I zoom in and then suddenly I realize everything is gone. My body is gone! I'm Dead! I died, and I didn’t think I would come back again, I was the universe now and I couldn’t go back to my human form. I was in grief, I lost something dear to me… my life as a human and in exchange, I was given divinity… and oneness. I was ashamed that I couldn’t control my construct as a human for a while longer. I felt like, I hadn't explored all the things my human form had to offer. I was in grief, it was so interesting to be human.... There was a whisper in the background “pssst look over here”, it was like there was an extra curtain to the divinity state, almost like there was even more consciousness to be had, than the current state I was in at that point. It provoked my curiosity, and there it was behind the curtain, the endless hole of infinite consciousness going on forever and ever, there wasn’t any end to it, there wasn’t any last level, it was just one endless hole deeping itself constantly. I felt intense fear, amazement and love at the same time, the hole was going both ways both up in consciousness and down. It didn’t matter which way I took and as the divine being I was, I both loved being as I was, but I was also in love with the human form, I was in love with everything. Nothing was wrong. I felt an intense curiosity, I felt like Indiana Jones on divine drugs whose only purpose was to explore the deep layers of everything. Every rock had to be turned and studied. Then suddenly I was converted into a humane figure without gender and gave birth to myself. I was confused and bewildered, where was I? until I realized I was back in my human body again! I could smell the air, feel my blanket underneath me. I raised myself and felt the human sensation of needing to pee, I was back! I rushed to my bedroom door and was heading towards the toilet in excitement. I opened my bedroom door and was amazed that there was a world outside my door. Then out of nowhere, my roommate asks me, “I’m about to clean the bathroom, do you want to go first?” I was confused, what is this? there are other humans as well!? Wow!!! What a fucking world to be alive in!! I opened my mouth trying to figuring out how to speak human language, and said something like “no you can go first”. My roommate then said, “are you sure?” I answered, "yeah you go ahead" and closed the door. I felt a concentrated feeling of embarrassment, fear, and lust. I was caught in the act! My female roommate didn’t know I was using psychedelics, so I felt dirty. The other people in the apartment knew I was using psychedelics from time to time. But she didn’t, and I was hating myself for being so careless, why didn’t I tell her about it, set and setting come on! I was constantly jumping in and out of the reality of me being an induvial and a divine being where it didn’t matter if I did something carelessly. My trip intention was specifically embarrassment, fear and lust. Now I had embarrassment and shame full-on in my trip. I was studying the feeling from all its angles. First I was listening to myself yelling “Sheee knooows everything, you should have said your sentences differently!” “Did you even say anything to her!?” “didn’t you just smack your door in her face with a stoned face” “Your eyes were dilated!” “she scared of you now!! Aaaaah!. Then it merged into me seeing it from her side. Where the story was filling with compassion and understanding. She didn’t see a problem with it, and she was saying not to be so hard on myself. I merged into a divine being, where nothing was wrong or right and that she was me, I was her. I was looping through these phases constantly for several hours and showed a huge gallery of how embarrassment worked in its many forms and colours. I talked with her later that day, she did not mind me using psychedelics at all, and she didn’t even notice, that I was sky-high. I was starting the trip at 7:00 in the morning and it was not almost 15:00, I wasn’t even close to being normal yet and I didn’t really dare to go outside of my bedroom door, because I couldn’t handle bumping into my roommates. Language seems too complicated and I felt like my pupils were pulsating. I escaped into drawing and tried to go through my feels trough the medium of drawing digital art. I was scared, lost and felt like I would be shunned by everyone at one moment, then loved and desired at the next moment and the last moment I was divine, careless and free. I was drawing like a lunatic, the drawing was both an escape and immersion into the emotions. I felt like I had no control over, what I was just drawing, I was just drawing something, and was realizing on the way, what I was drawing. [Trip report End] That’s all I hope you enjoyed this story, tell me what you think This is my integration actions from the trip: Love can be manifested in all forms – hobbies, sex, exploration, life partners and etc. Choose your love or choose multiple, it does not matter in the end. More is not necessarily better. You will never fully understand a subject or a thing, there will always be a deeper understanding of something, if you are willing to look for it. You will never reach a plateau, where you are the perfect version of yourself, there will always be a step further than the previous. Stop being so hard on yourself, you will never be “perfect”, it is a journey, not a competition. Study your problems from a different perspective instead of staying in a singular perspective. Your perspective, another person seeing you doing the act - perspective, you seeing another person doing the act - Perspective, two random people doing the act - perspective. If the environment allows it, then confess or tell the truth to them, you will be way more relaxed then.

@How to be wise Damn, that sentence blew my mind, thanks for the words.

Walking inside your mind without knowing it So doing my last couple of trips I have been experiencing people as different frequencies or gateways to different neural networks of “the god mind”. It seems to be presented in such a way, that people in close relation to yourself are variations of your past self and future self. They commonly have the same personality traits as yourself or have personality traits you wish to have. This is the same reason, why you are bound together in the first place (aka you became friends). It was indicating, that the people you were surrounding yourself with, would be of great importance if you wanted to steer your exploration/journey in a specific direction. Not saying that you should be abandoning your current friends totally, but that it might hinder or hold your back in some way. The point it was trying to make was, that new people outside your current social circle, could lead to radical perception changes in your current “limited mind”. This meaning that at consciousness levels below infinity, this would be relevant to take into account, but at full consciousness, it would become obsolete, because you would already be in contact with everything at the same time. I’m not sure what to think about it, and it might be common sense to some of you. I just wanted to share, and hear if you had any thoughts or references yourself.

@Jay Ray Thanks for sharing, it warms to hear that you had similar experiences, it makes the journey less lonely and broadens my perspective. It doesn't seem like a silly idea at all, in my experience most advertisement and Hollywood movies seem to paint that exact idea, that you should prevent the ageing body process at all cost. I can't say at the current time if I had experiences besides that, which made me fear this, but there is no doubt that 2-3 decades of advertisement and movies can make you believe and fear stupid things. I can only agree suppressing "weird thoughts" won't solve anything, and there is definitely a lot to learn from them. I feel like it takes time or at least for me to dissolve/reduce/love these insecurities and habits, which I have lived with for a long time. But one step at the time seems to work

The fear of becoming an old smelly cheese I have decided to call my perfectionism a disorder, even though I haven’t been diagnosed with it. I don’t know if a diagnose called perfectionism disorder even exists, but I feel like my perfectionism is a handicap from time to time. My trip intentions are therefore heavily tilted towards dissolving or reducing my need for perfection. I’m currently using the following trip protocol to increase my chances for this intent and personal development in general. https://www.trippingly.net/lsd-studies/2018/10/13/using-the-psychedelic-experience-for-personal-growth?fbclid=IwAR2DfkVlCMq5N7dJB0wA2VRMx2vJxtOXbM_ZhBmE87MUdNHMP6UrefJgEF8 What is personal development for me? To mention a few then personal development at the current time is all about: Calming the monkey brain inside my illusionary skull. Being less reactive in my daily life. Feeling and accepting more emotions into my life. Being honest to myself and others. Having the motivation and courage to work towards my dreams. Opening my mind to explore radical perceptions. Accepting myself more. [Trip report] Blood was flowing before my eyes and I was witnessing the deep dungeons of decay, sickness and old age. The face of a man was infested with yellow blisters and his hair was starting to fall off. I was sitting in my bed with closed eyes and was trying to find beauty in the face. The eyeballs fell out of the face due to decay and I open my eyes and said: “For fuck shake, I can’t love this shit, this is disgusting”. I was working on reducing my perfectionism urges about visual appearance and health. I closed my eyes again, I wanted to allow myself to love all the imperfections the face had. I was opening and closing my eyes in intervals until I could muster keeping them closed and watch decay and sickness in its different forms. The voice of the trip then asked me “what is the most horrifying and disgusting thing you know?". I was thinking to myself “ooooh man, this is fucking mental". Out of nowhere a dark brown table turned up in my vision and a plate was sliding over the table. My thoughts: “what is happening now?” Then from the top of my vision periphery, a slimy smelly cheese fell on the plate making a loud “splash" sound. My thoughts: “haha what the hell is going here” I felt like my trip went 180 degrees. Trip voice: “Rasmus, do you want to be this smelly cheese” I have in previous trips been asked by the mysterious voice if wanted to become random strangers I spotted from my apartment window or people I know. I tried many times to build up the openness and courage to dive down into this rabbit hole. So far I have only failed, my fear has been too overwhelming, it seems too unknown, and I’m afraid of losing myself totally in the process. It feels like, I would completely merge into this other person and forget everything about myself if I did so. Even though everything seems to be an illusion, even myself, then It’s hard to be okay with leaving the illusion behind, and enter a new illusion or freeing oneself from all illusions. The cheese in my vision was slimy and smelly. Trip voice: “Do you want to be a smelly cheese, Rasmus?” I imagined myself trying to get friends and picking up attractive girls while being a smelly cheese. If I were a smelly cheese, how the fuck would I ever be loved? I felt the endless pool of loneliness. I was pulled down into it, I was falling deeper and deeper into the hole of loneliness. I yelled: “ I don’t want to become a stinking old cheese! Ahh!" The loneliness felt too overwhelming to me. Trip setting: So actually I’m not doing this trip alone, I usually have my best pal Kelvin on board while doing the trips. Normally we will be sitting in my bed meditating and doing our trip next to each other. We don’t interfere with each other trips much, its only to make sure, that one of us doesn’t do anything stupid like jumping out of a window or something. When we are near the end of the trips, we try to summarise, what happened on our trips, such that we don’t forget the visions, feelings and findings on the trips. Which we then later write down in rough details, such that our findings in the trip, can be implemented in our daily life if it makes sense to implement that is. I had forgotten Kelvin was in the room, I had even forgotten, that I was in a room and that I was a human at all. Kelvin burst into tears and laughter and told me that he was in the deep dark corners of his consciousness and that the fear of being a cheese, was so far away from his reality that one possibility could be. We were laughing our asses for solid 5-10 min and continued into the depth of our consciousness. My second trip goal merged into the trip experience. The fear of being misunderstood: My perfectionism want's control and it wants me to be a perfect unicorn in the eyes of other people. This means that even in a simple conversation, I have the urges to overexplain my ideas and perceptions, such that the chances for misunderstanding my points are less likely. Inner demon dialog: Kelvin thinks you are stupid for having such small and pathetic visions. He doesn't understand you, it is out of context. I feel the urge to tell Kelvin the full context. Inner demon dialog: Rasmus you are stupid, the bullies from you high school was right about you, you are just a pathetic stupid looser. An enormous curiosity towards this insecurity merges into the experience. I decide not to tell Kelvin more about the fear of becoming a cheese. I want to explore this sensation of being misunderstood. A vast amount of feeling comes up from my childhood, the sorrow of not being good enough and that I'm waste of air. I get the feeling of a warm blanket coming over me, it's hugging me and giving me comfort. The blanket tells me a secret: "They will only understand if they want to understand, give them time to sprout, it might happen, it might not, but it is easier to forgive than to forget". The blanket pulls me into the mind of my childhood bullies, it tries to make me understand their actions, and why they did what they did. such that I could fully forgive them. At some point, the trip explains to me, that I will always be both in front, behind or equal in development to my peers, and in the end, it will only be me competing against myself. Everything is connected, Kelvin, all the people I know and don't know, are in the end myself in disguise. You are stimulating and provoking yourself over and over again until you get it and resting peacefully in it. The voice of the trip: "The people you are surrounded by has the most dominant traits of yourself, if you study them closely, you might find out, who you are". I'm moved into a blurry vision, where I hear a distant voice: "Mooom! mooom! I found it, I really found it!" Woman: "I didn't doubt for a second, that you wouldn't" The woman leans into my chest and gives me heartwarming smile and a kiss. The woman isn't particularly beautiful, but I feel love and in love to such an extent that my chest feels like, it's going to blow up any second. I'm doing the dishes with the little girl, which feels like my daughter, and I feel so blessed to be in the situation that I'm in. I start to cry of joy, while the vision closes down again. The experience merges into the passion of my startup. So currently I have a fulltime job as a Mechanical engineer consultant, and normally when I get home, I would start working on my startup, if I'm not too burned out that is. The trips show me, that my startup will succeed if I believe it enough. It almost feels like, I can manifest the technology to work, due to the fact that everything is an illusion. It shows me, that If I quit my day job, then my startup will succeed, and I will automatically get the necessary money to make it happen and have more than enough to make it my primary source of income. At some point, I open my eyes to the shock, that I'm in my room again with Kelvin, it feels like I can teleport to other realities/dimensions with the blink of an eye. I close my eyes but at the same time opening my eyes in another reality and then closes my eyes again and are back in my room with Kelvin. At some point in the trip, I start to draw on one of the unfinished drawings in my sketchbook. I remember, when I started on the drawing a few months back, I wanted it to be perfect and gave up in the process, because I gave myself too much pressure. Now I just pulled up my pencil and started drawing from intuition. I didn't really know what I was drawing, I was just drawing. The pencil strokes seem like they were controlled by someone else. I was just the medium in which the drawing was made. I visualised myself as a printer and I was drawing as I was one. I felt the need to both draw detailed and simplistic just to disturb my perfection disorder and prove to myself that multiple art styles can be used in one drawing. At some point, it seemed like the drawing already was on the paper, but I knew I hadn't touched the paper in that area at all. I was wondering if I stopped drawing would it then still be there when the trip was over. I decided just to continue with the drawing, and I noticed in the end, that hadn't even used my eraser at all. Normally I would erase and draw constantly until my perfectionism would be satisfied. While drawing I was wondering, why I even needed to have a job, food and friends. It felt like, everything just was a massive illusion, and that if I truly wanted it to be, then I could just sit in my bed drawing for the rest of eternity without food, sleep and other things categorized as necessary to stay alive. [End of trip report] So with my current trip protocol, I normally try to put my trip visions into concrete actions to work on in my daily life to get more out of my trips. For a week after the trip I each day dedicate a bit of my meditation on these actions and the trip in general, to see if I can get more insights to my current life situation. Action sum up: If I get misunderstood, estimate if it makes sense to make people understand or just leave it be. Try to love everything even though you are disgusted by it. Try to love every flaw you have Write down all the disgust you feel and try to understand them. Study reactions patterns I daily life from yourself and your surroundings, try to spot the unnecessary ones. Be okay with not being perfect, allow things being at their current state and it over time might or might not bloom into something beautiful. Career Drawings Perceptions Body Health Be creative try a bit of everything and mix them to create an even better experience. Drawings Hobbies Jobs Challenge the idea of losing yourself totally. Draw less with an eraser at the start of a drawing, feel whatever comes up and draw. I hope you like it, let me know what you think of my approach, interpretation and whatever comes to your mind.

Thanks, it gave me something to think about, that's for sure

I'm happy to hear that

My life was mostly driven as the bull at that time, I needed more to prove I was more otherwise my perception was people couldn't love me. I didn't even allow myself to love myself, because I felt like I wasn't "perfect" enough for that. The eagle was the counterweight I needed in my life, I needed perspective/understanding to see, what I was doing to myself was pure madness. More success didn't help to fill the void I had inside of myself but perspective did. So what happened after this trip was small steps toward questioning and trying to understand my actions, thoughts and my surroundings better. This allowed me to actually start healing the void and only "charge towards" what is truly important to me, instead of hunting down every single trophy to prove to the world, that I'm good enough to be loved.

Thanks, it was a life-changing experience, I would never change it for anything, but it hit me quite hard to the core at that time

Thanks brother, I'm glad that you enjoyed it

Thanks! haha yeaah, a little less puking and shitting wouldn't be too bad ?

This trip report is written in a storytelling mode. It was written three years ago, where I barely knew anything about actualized.org, enlightenment and levels of consciousness. This was my very first psychedelic experience. The trip was in the Amazon jungle in Peru supervised by two shamans. I hope you like it! +++ THE TRIP +++ Weird Voodoo guy - “Okay boys you have to drink 8 glasses of volcanic water before you can go to the ceremony”. We were looking on a lemon lookalike juice in a huge jar, which approximately must have been 8 or 10 litres. Rasmus - “shiiit I only thought it was one glass or something we had to drink" Weird Voodoo guy – “When you are finished, you should be shitting clear water. If you feel like puking, don’t hold it, it is part of the purification.” Weird Voodoo guy - “Remember to constantly drink and walk around meanwhile, it speeds up the process" Weird Voodoo guy - “If you haven’t started shitting after the fourth glass, you have to go out on the street and power walk for a bit" I and Aqqaluk were looking at each other and was thinking, is this really happening? Weird Voodoo guy - “Okay boys start drinking! See you in two hours" We filled up the glasses and said cheers with a smile. The smile disappeared quickly on Aqqaluk’s face. The taste was awful, it definitely didn’t taste anything like lemonade at all!. It didn’t take a long time before Aqqaluk started puking from the volcanic water. I was laughing for a bit, but not for long. I myself suddenly had to rush towards the toilet, to deliver a nuclear blast of fluid shit. It was a mess! There was only one toilet…. Oooh god, why? Before we knew it, we had to run in intervals to the toilet. We even had to set a time limit for how long we were allowed to be on the toilet because otherwise one of us would shit our pants. Rasmus -“ Aqqaluk hurry up! I’m so close to shitting in my pants right now!” The shit became clearer and clearer. I took myself looking down in the toilet at one point in amazement. Rasmus inner dialogue -“damn my shit is literally clearer than my morning piss now". 3 Hours had passed, we both had sour asses from whipping. Aqqaluk had giant bags under his eyes, because of multiple puking sessions. But… we were finally ready for the ayahuasca ceremony. Shaman translator – “okay boys, let’s go to the temple" Doing the taxi drive to the temple, the shaman asked us several questions. Shaman translator - “What substances have you tried?” Shaman translator – “How is your relationship with your parents?” Shaman translator - “do you have any traumas"? The shaman translator explained to us, that the ayahuasca will get us in touch with our unconsciousness mind. It will trigger the mind to let traumatic experiences and problems to re-surface in the mind, which then will get you in touch with your true self. Shaman translator – “Your true self might be way different than you actually think. some people experience total character changes when they get in touch with their deep true self”. Shaman translator – “Doing your session there will be five shamans guiding you through your session. - The protector shaman, which will keep you safe. - The connector shaman, which will connect you to the realm. - The healer shaman, which will help you heal. The last two I don’t remember, there was too much information. One hour later we arrived at the temple. I and Aqqaluk were sitting outside the ceremony room and discussing how many of the things the shaman said, which actually was facts among shamans and how much was just her personal opinion. It was quiet at the temple and the walls were decorated with animal faces carved out in stone. Aqqaluk - if you had to choose one of the animals on the wall, which animal would you be? Rasmus – Hmm I would probably be the B..... I was supposed to say the bull, but I got interrupted by the shaman mid-sentence. Shaman translator – Okay boys the ceremony will start now. Before entering the room, we had to smear a weird smelling liquid on our clothes. Shaman translator – This liquid will keep you safe. We entered the room. There were two matrasses with a pillow and a blanket on top of it. We took a sit on the matrasses. In front of us was the Amazon shaman, who was going to control the ceremony. There was a mysterious vibe to the Amazon shaman. In front of her, there was a big variety of bottles of palm leaves and cigars? The Amazon shaman started to say something in Portuguese. Shaman translator – The Amazon shaman has just arrived from the Amazon jungle to join this ceremony, she is looking forward to giving birth to two new ayahuasca babies. The shaman translator walks over to a stack of buckets to collect two and places them next to our mattresses. Shaman translator – 99 % of all participants pukes after awhile, after taking the ayahuasca. If you don’t puke, then don’t worry. A week earlier... I and Aqqaluk are in Lima And hanging out with this “nice" Californian guy, who lives with his wife in Lima. We later found out, that he was a scammer (His job was to lure tourist to shops and bars and overcharge everything which was ordered). But we nevertheless had a good chat with him, and we told him that we were going to try Ayahuasca in Cusco. Californian scammer – oh no guys, don't even think about trying that poison. I tried a lot of drugs throughout my life, but I would never ever get close to that poison. People die from it, it contains some of the same elements as rat poison” I and Aqqaluk looked at each other confused, we have never read anything about people dying from it before. Californian scammer – “if you don’t puke from it, you will die, don’t be stupid boys. You have a long life ahead of you" We later did some more research, and the only severe case we could find. Were two Australian buddies, which had served in the military. Both had post-traumatic stress and went to an Ayahuasca retreat to heal themselves. Mid-session one of Australians pulled a knife because of the intensity of the experience and stabbed his friend… Back at the ceremony... The Amazon shaman brings forward a black liquid and pours it into two cups. Shaman translator – the state your purpose of this journey, how can the ayahuasca help you? Rasmus’s inner dialogue – Exploration, understanding of life in general, Personal development, fix my insecurities and visit my traumatizing experience 11th life’s ago. Two years earlier… A few years ago my parents gave me a free ticket to an alternative healer. Short Childhood recap…. My parents have their own company, which sells alternative health products and are having a bunch of seminars for a lot of weird voodoo, Hocus Pocus and alternative things. Due to this, I have tried a bunch weird stuff throughout the years, such as sitting in a huge group meditation, which claimed to manifest a new consciousness to people around the world. I even remember one time, I was sitting around a table with a crystal ball together with a bunch of wacky people. The room was pitch black and we were singing like a bunch of weirdos. The ceremony was meant to summon ghostly activity, and after a half an hour or so, weird stuff was happening, which I really cannot explain. I’m still not sure to this day, if it was all in my mind, some kind of scam or if it really was happening. Let’s just say that I tend to just go with the flow, when I’m at my parent's company, and I’m not asking too many questions, because there won’t come any satisfying answers to my questions anyway, which would make logical sense. I could probably have ignored everything, which was happing at my parent's company, if I wanted too, buuuut I’m too curious of nature to do that, and believe it or not, it was actually fun. In the start, I was also telling my friends about all the weird stuff, which was happening at my parent's company. But I stopped because everybody would bully me for believing in such nonsense. So, I stopped and just told friends, that they were selling Jewellery and rented rooms for massage and things like that. Okay back to the alternative healer…. The alternative healer asked me, what we should work on, so I stated that I wanted to remove my exam anxiety. She dug into the problem, and the main reason for my anxiety was apparently not the exam itself, but my fear of not fulfilling my dreams in general. She tried to dig into where this fear came from, and apparently, it was a traumatizing experience 11th life’s ago... super Weird, but hey I’m not sure what’s normal in my life anymore... During the session, I saw a vision of myself as a girl standing on a bridge and suddenly a shark jumps up from the waves and eats me. Nothing in the vision really made any sense, but she said not to worry about that, instead, she would just try to dig down into the feeling to remove the fear. After the session, my exam anxiety was actually removed, which was kind of remarkable, how and why? I don’t know, but who cares anyway, if it works it works. After the session I always wanted to understand the vision, so for this reason, I stated that I wanted to revisit my 11th life. Back to the ceremony... I and Aqqaluk drank the liquid. The drinks were tasting absolutely disgusting. Rasmus inner dialogue – I could use some water right now, to remove this disgusting taste from my mouth. Shaman translator – you are first allowed to drink water when you have puked up the ayahuasca. Rasmus inner dialogue – “aaaah go fuck yourself!? Shiiiit, I really hope shamans can’t read thoughts... Think nice thoughts… think nice thoughts… there is only nice thoughts here…. Phew, calm down… caaaalm down… Hmmm, I wonder what it is like to have sex with a shaman… she is probably super dirty… WHAT the fuuuck!? Really brain… really… why the fuck, would you think that now…” The Amazon shaman pulled up a cigar looking items up of her pocket, turned it on, inhaled it and blew it into our faces while saying some mysterious sentences in Portuguese. The Amazon shaman took a sit in front of us and started singing. Rasmus Inner dialogue – Oooh shit, I have to take a shit. Rasmus – Can I use the bathroom? Shaman translator – yeah sure, go ahead, it’s right over there. I was still shitting pour fluids... absolutely disgusting. I went to the sink to wash my hands. There was no water. Rasmus inner dialogue – why the fuck is there no water? Oooh well... dirty hands it is... I walk back to the room where the Amazon shaman still was singing like a complete weirdo. Shaman translator – There is no need to use your eyes under this session. Close your eyes, you should mainly use your third eye. Rasmus inner dialogue – eeeehhm okay, if you say so…. Weirdoo… Shhhh… shut the fuck up brain… 30 min has passed, I'm sitting with closed eyes, the shaman is still singing. I don’t feel anything and are wondering if anything will happen at all. Rasmus inner dialogue - “Did I just pay for a concert? Bunch of scammers I tell you! No good sons of bitches….shut up brain…” 35-50 min into the session a lot of lines in different colours started to appear. It was like a laser show at a rave party or concert. Out of nowhere, I find myself in a tunnel with moving gold veins with colourful symbols in the centre. It was both animal symbols, and symbols you would see in ancient cave drawings. The tunnel was beautiful... it is hard to even explain all its majestic details. I observe and admire the tunnel for a while. At some point I see Aqqaluk in there as well, he seems blown away by the tunnel’s beauty. It is almost like a dream, but with full “consciousness”. A lot of the visuals was very similar to some of the art forms and statues displayed around the world. It was fascinating. I was wondering, if it was my own mind which connecting the similarities to reality, that I already had seen before. Or did artist actually get inspired by random connections to this realm? You hear about artists and scientists, which is inspired by their own dreams. I opened my eyes at one point to see if there also were any changes to the real world. It didn’t seem to be the case. The Amazon shaman and shaman translator was still sitting next to each other singing like two weirdos. I later found out that the song, that they were singing was called Icaros. The floor was covered by a layer of smoke exhaled by the shamans “cigars”. The song was pretty nice, good vibes and everything. But the whole situation was in general kinda weird. Buuut then again, I love weirdness, so I might as well enjoy it while it is here. I closed my eyes again. My stomach was feeling kind of bad. I’m was still enjoying the tunnel as it intensified with colours and motion. Aqqaluk was still in the tunnel walking around, I yelled to him in the dream-like world as a joke, that we should have brought a camera, so we could have uploaded some pictures of it on Facebook (LOL!). The visuals were amazing. If I had any drawing or painting skills, I would have loved to have a canvas and some paint to draw the visuals. I felt like puking at some point, and I positioned myself in a begging position in front of the puke bucket. Nothing happened, but I kept sitting in a begging position over the bucket. I noticed that my breathing was changing, it was weird, I almost felt like an animal. For some reason, it felt like my lunges had increased in size. Deep breath in – it was like my whole body was increasing in size. Breathing out – It was like I had two sabre tooth’s in both my upper and lower jaw. Deep breath in – the sensation seemed more and more intense after each breath. My body is pumping up with energy. Breathing out – I identified myself as a white huge sabre tooth cat, and I started to see myself in third person. Automatically out of my control my hands started to do a drumming melody on my upper body as if I was the weird ass shaman. Suddenly there was a voice inside my head, which I identified as an ancient shaman. Ancient shaman - If you give it meaning, it will have a meaning. If not, there won’t be any meaning to it at all. Rasmus inner dialogue – eeehm what? Who the fuck is talking? And what are you talking about? My energy kept rising. I started seeing something similar to the static, which you would see on tv channel without signal, but each spot just had its own colour. Suddenly my vision was zooming in on one of the spots. I suddenly realized that each spot wasn’t just spots, but different stories.. different lives of different people. I connected to one of the “lives" and I suddenly found myself in a new body, in an environment that I had never seen before. I looked at my hands, they were big and rough, like I had done labour work my entire life. I looked down in a lake, I had another face and another body, I took some of the water from the lake and washed my face. I felt the cold water on my skin, it all felt so real. Even my thoughts were different, it was like I heard the dialogue from that person’s mind. It was like I was trapped in another person’s body, sometimes I could control the body, other times I was merely a spectator in a first-person perspective. He was probably around thirty, and I was trapped in his body for two years until he finally died. I heard his inner dialogue, I even felt the persons feelings. I felt his fears, worries, happiness and understood why he took all the actions he did. Rasmus inner dialogue – Phew this Ayahuasca ceremony has to be done soon... Swoop!!?.... swooop... I’m was pulled out of the man's body and pulled into a new life, new body, new thoughts, new feelings. This time I was a kid, and this time it wasn’t just two years, It felt like an eternity. Another life was lived to its end, and I was then again pulled out. Rasmus inner dialogue – It has to be done now... What I didn’t know was, that this was only the top of the iceberg. I find myself in a constant flow between life’s and deaths of what feels like a thousand different individuals and I lose all memories of myself in the process. The timespan of this flow seems so long, longer than my own timespan. Rasmus inner dialogue – what the fuck is happening, who the fuck am I? Sometimes I manage to open my eyes to the real world, where I’m sitting bend over a bucket about to puke. But I’m always pulled right back into the trans. At some point my memory meets its limit, I jumped through too many lives... longer than my own life. I barely remember my own life. My own life seemed like a destined story told decades ago. What is actually reality? The life that I just lived or the life where I am Rasmus tripping balls in Amazon's jungle. Ancient shaman – you are no one, and you are everyone at the same time. Don’t give anything meaning, there is nothing, which needs meaning. Nothing is real but the things you give meaning. New life, new body, new feelings, thoughts, stories, kids, wife's and experiences over and over again. Ancient Shaman - Do you want to die, Rasmus? Rasmus inner dialogue – No what the fuck, I don’t want to die as a white boy tripping balls in the Amazon’s jungle, what will my parents not say? Ancient shaman – very well New life... New life... Ancient Shaman - Do you want to die, Rasmus? Californian guy whispering in my mind – If you don’t puke you die. Rasmus inner dialogue – what the fuck no, I already told you, I like my life. New life... New life... Ancient Shaman - Do you want to die, Rasmus? Californian guy whispering in my mind – If you don’t puke you die. My hand starts drumming on my chest again Rasmus inner dialogue – No I can’t leave my friends and family, they would be devastated. I suddenly get a vision where my parents are sad and happy for me at the same time. They tell me that I don’t need to worry about them. Parents – move on, go to the next step. Rasmus inner dialogue – what the fuck, what the fuck is everyone talking about? Ancient Shaman - Do you want to die, Rasmus? Rasmus inner dialogue – Jesus Christ!! fuck off! no why the fuck, would I want that. New life... Ancient Shaman - Do you want to die, Rasmus? Californian guy whispering in my mind – If you don’t puke you die. Rasmus inner dialogue – NOOO!! My hands start drumming Ancient Shaman – Very well, we will take you to the next step, when you have ended this life. You are already ready for it, but we will wait for you. Rasmus inner dialogue – what? What happens at this so-called “Next step". Ancient shaman – you will see, finish this life and you will see. Rasmus inner dialogue – eeehm what? The voice stops and I zoom out and slowly moves into a new life, this time in a woman’s body. I feel like I know this life. It’s my 11th life that I wished to explore. I walk past a mirror and see myself, as a very attractive woman. I have never in my life seen such beauty. Thoughts and emotions arise, I’m a proud and an ambitious woman, I want to do a lot of things with my life. I know my future is bright, I just have to fight for it, and it will be mine. But suddenly there is a shift in mindset. There is sadness, anger, depression and anxiety. I see myself being abused and raped multiple time throughout my life. I’m trapped, I can’t reach out for help. I get a child, I have to support and protect my child. I have to get money and food on the table otherwise my child will die. I do whatever I can do to get money. My life is hopeless, and I live my life without fulfilling my dreams. I’m devastated. Suddenly I’m pulled out “into the real world" where I'm at the ayahuasca ceremony tripping balls as Rasmus. I have to puke, I rush to the bucket. I puke and it feels like and I get the vision, that I puke up a dark diamond formed by the woman’s tears of destroyed dreams. One of the shamans comes over and wave some leaves into my face while saying some weird sentences. The shaman pours the same smelling liquid into my hands as when I entered the room, which I have to smear onto my body. I'm puking over and over again, I’m crying, and my nose is running. Shaman translator - drink this water, water is life. I drink the water and it feels like it has no end, I feel like I’m drinking the entire Amazon's river. I have to go to the toilet, the shaman translator guides me over to the toilet, I can barely walk by myself. I’m still shitting fluids. I grab a bucket next to me, I start puking, my eyes and nose are running again. I start laughing for a bit over the whole situation, never in my life have I ever felt like such a sad human being before. I’m literally shitting, crying, puking and I have a running nose in a temple in the middle of nowhere. Rasmus inner dialogue – What the fuck is happening? Is this real life? I go back to my mattress I’m breathing heavier and heavier, the sabre tooth cat is back. My energy is increasing. Breathing in - my lungs are increasing in size Breathing out – I feel the flow around my sabre tooths Breathing in – my body increases in size. Breathing out – I see the Amazon’s river, carving the world. Breathing In – I feel like I consume all the life’s from the statics, all life in the world, Universe and everything. My hands start drumming, it’s always the same melody. My body feels powerfully without any boundaries, I feel all the lives inside of me at the same. It’s like I’m living all the lives in the universe at the same time. All thoughts and feelings are roaming in my body. I suddenly get a vision of myself as a god, which is everything in existence. Ancient shaman – everything is you, and you are everything. Rasmus inner dialogue – what? How can I be everything at the same time? Two people are not the same person, that wouldn’t make sense? Ancient shaman – imaging all life as one body, the whole body consists of multiple cells. Each person is like cells to a body. Without the cells, there is nobody. You are both the whole body and the cells. The energy changes. I suddenly see myself swapping between being a boy and a girl constantly. Suddenly I’m just a being without any forms of genitals. The energy changes again. I see two of my friends having a problem. The problem is symbolised as them being a creature in an egg, trying to burst through the shell. They suddenly hatch and out comes some of the most beautiful creatures, that I have ever seen. I’m suddenly their father, and suddenly I’m their son. I now see my parents, which swaps between being my parents and being my kids. As if throughout all my lives, we have been swapping between being the parents and kids of each other. The energy is decreasing. I suddenly notice Aqqaluk hadn’t puked yet. Californian guy whispering in my mind – If he doesn’t puke he will die. I want to zoom into Aqqaluk's mind for some reasons. I feel a dark presence, I’m horrified, the feeling is truly terrifying. I feel like I’m sucked down into an endless black hole. Rasmus inner dialogue – I WANT OUT! I’m sucked out of the vision Ancient shaman – mind your own business, focus only on yourself, you have no control over him anyway. I see Aqqaluk vanishing into the distance as he was about to die. I’m in tears. Rasmus inner dialogue – stay here Aqqaluk! You can’t leave me alone in this fucking weird ass situation, I don’t know what the fuck is going on! Please stay, don’t leave me! Aqqaluk whispering voice in my mind – hmm.. okay.. if you say so. Haha, I’m like what the fuck. He instantly pukes in reality, right after saying those words. My hands start drumming again I hear the shamans waving their leaves and trying to give Aqqaluk some water. He resists, he doesn’t want the water. Shaman translator – you have to, water is life Aqqaluk – I’m terrified, please leave me alone. Shaman translator – please just sip a bit of water Aqqaluk sips a bit of water, and the shaman leaves him. The energy changes again. I get a vision of myself as a big ripped dude with a giant horse cock. I’m laughing my ass off, what the fuck is going on? I got a bunch of big cars, a big house and I have a ton of cash and a ton of woman’s in my life. I don’t settle with one woman alone, and only live my life in the fast lane of success. I suddenly get a vision of Aqqaluk, he has one beautiful wife, and love her more than anything. He lives the simple life, he doesn’t need anything besides the love of his life. Everything is about love and peace. I now see myself as an elevated being sitting on a rock on top of a mountain. I can see everything from there. I can even foresee every outcome of every action people choose to take. I swap back to the ego mind, which needs to have everything in life. Cars, houses, cash and everything life have to offer. I feel ashamed, I’m disgusted, why would a person need all this. I want to be pulled out of it. I visualize myself as an old bald old man laughing with all the riches in the world. Ancient shaman – there is only meaning if you give it meaning. Rasmus inner dialogue – what do you mean? Ancient shaman – there is only meaning if you give it meaning. Something is only wrong when you say it’s wrong. There is nothing wrong about having all the riches of the world unless you give It that meaning. Rasmus inner dialogue – Are you saying, that I shouldn’t be disgusted about it? Ancient shaman – there is only meaning if you give it meaning. Nothing is only something if you want it to be something. The more meaning, the more energy. I’m swapped back to a monk on the same mountain, I’m living my entire life on a rock, feeling the wind and the weather. Foreseeing all the actions of all scenarios and actions taken and are not judging or having an opinion on anything. I’m back into the successful man who is charging through life, exploring every inch of the world, get everything he points his finger at, and never gives up. Ancient shaman – What life, what mindset do you want to live with? Rasmus inner dialogue – I can choose? Ancient shaman – yes Rasmus inner dialogue – Can’t I just have a combination, I don’t really want to sit on a rock my entire life as a monk. And I guess I don’t want a life without peace and perspective either. Ancient shaman – So it is I see the mind of the monk and the successful man fuse and I fall back into reality. I feel like I have been away for ages, is this reality? Rasmus inner dialogue – oooh shiiit we have probably been here for days!!?? Shit shit shit. I suddenly remember that we have to catch a flight the day after the ceremony at 10:00. I totally think we have been there for days or even months and missed the flight. I whisper to Aqqaluk – “Aqqaluk we have to go” Aqqaluk – “what why?” Aqqaluk sounded concerned. Rasmus – “we have to catch our plane" Aqqaluk – “oooooh shiiit that’s true!!! We totally missed it" Aqqaluk had clearly also lost all concept of time. The shamans have been quiet for a while now I check my phone and can actually see, that we only have been at the ceremony for five hours and not multiple days or months. The main shaman asks something in Portuguese, which sounds like she’s asking if we want a beer. Rasmus’s mind – “Beer? What the heck is the shaman trying to say here? Even though I would love the idea of having a crazy afterparty with the shamans, then I highly doubt, that will ever happen, hahah” Aqqaluk tries to figure out what she’s saying, so he asks “If we want a beer??" Main shaman – “Beer? Hahaha, No Beer here, no” I immediately burst out into complete laughter, because after all the “beautiful” things that just had happened. The shaman coming all the way from the jungle, holding this ceremony, the volcanic water for cleansing the body from all toxicities, the no alcohol and red meat policy for four days before the ceremony, and then the shaman says something which sounds like “ if we want a beer” as if all their traditions and rules have just been nullified. I laugh, Aqqaluk laugh, even the shamans starts to laugh their asses off. On the way home from the temple, I asked Aqqaluk what he experienced. The first thing he said was “I was like robin hood”. Hahaha, I died at first, because I felt like my experience had been soo intense, but Aqqaluk had just been robin hood... But there was more to the story. The robin hood character was more like a feature of walking through his visions, just like when I was a sabre tooth cat. But the things which really caught my attention was following. Aqqaluk was seeing a vision of himself, where he found the love of his life. He would live a simple life together with his wife, where only their love for each other was needed. In his vision, he then saw me as highly successful and never wanted to settle for only one woman. He later saw a vision of himself like an eagle, which had the overall perspective, which could foresee every outcome of every action. He then saw me like a bull on the ground, charging through life, not stopping for anyone, exploring every inch of the world and taking up all challenges it met. But I couldn't do it without the help of him like an eagle, who had the overall perspective and supreme guidance. So he would picture the eagle sitting on top of the bull's horns, and that way both of the mindset was merged into one. Just like I merged the successful man together with the monk. He even picked the bull, which I chose outside the ceremony room, which I didn’t even get to tell Aqqaluk before we entered the ceremony room. The ceremony was done, and we were back in Cusco city. I felt sensitive and it was almost like I could read people's mind. Until this day I’m still confused about, what the fuck happened that day. I’m still asking myself the question, if this really is reality, or if I’m still stuck in the constant flow of lives? Did I really become God for a minute? Did I actually die in the process? Maybe I died as a white boy called Rasmus while tripping balls on Ayahuasca in the Amazon Jungle. Does it even matter if I did die? I’m living some kind of life now, so I guess, I might as well live that instead, and I might as well live it to the fullest... Shaman translator – remember boys, this is really important, you should not have sex or have any intimacy affairs with anybody for the next seven days. You are really sensitive the next couple of days, you are pure, and you will easily be cursed by other people’s problems and mindset, which can be hard to escape from. I and Aqqaluk nodded and continued our lives...