KaRzual

I'm approaching the 8 years mark in my current relationship. I'm 30 soon and my GF is 32. We're renting an appartment for 4 years now. Since close to a year now she wanted to take another step and buy our own flat. What I was doing was running away and avoiding that. I think mainly because I was not and I'm not sure if she's "the right one". The point is - I don't know it after all these years. She's a great woman for me. We went through ups and downs, but after all she was there for me and did (and still does) her best to understand me and fulfill my relationship needs. And yet I'm still not sure. I went through anxiety and stiffness when thinking about buying a flat together and basically saying "yep, this is it, that's all for me" - meaning, that she's my final GF. I don't want to leave her and waste such relationship, but thought of commiting is scary to me. I went to discuss it with my therapist. At the beginning he challenged me with the thought that I wanted to leave her, but I wasn't sure. I'm also not quite sure if I love her. But then, sometimes I will look at her and think about how wonderful human she is and I'm feeling love. He also said that then I'm choosing to stay and I still wasn't so sure. I was and I'm lost. After coming back from my therapist I opened up to my GF about my dillemas. I cried near her for the first time. I cried really hard. She was full of understandemnt and empathy for me. For the past 2-3 years I wondered if something will happen and we will split. So it was really hard to plan for the things even like vacation together I thought - maybe I meet some other girl in the meantime, I will love her and feel that this is it. But it didn't happen. Of course other girls are hot for me, but it's not like I'm losing my mind because of it. I'm really torn guys. I'm just not sure if "this is it" and on the other hand I don't want to lose a relationship like that - stable, full of understandemnt, with an honest, reliable and mature person, who loves me dearly. It's really hard for me recently, because last few months I was running away from it and went into distractions. But I can't do it anymore. I feel like it's time to make a decision. And yesterday I sent her first links to apartments that I would consider. It was hard for me. I felt shivers running down my spine and anxiety. And sometimes during the day I feel like investing in the relationship is the right thing to do, and in just a few minutes comes thought about ending it all... But then - what is not right? What's missing for me? What I could get from other girl that I'm not getting from mine? I'm really lost and hurting...

Mind elaborating? Think I didn't get it.

Thank you. Thank you sincerely. In no way I can say: I was feeling bad last years. Or: this is not life I want to live. But yes, these second thoughts make my body tickle...

I visualize having a flat and children together, it's a pleasant plan. But then I lie on the sofa and unpleasant thoughts and feeling of tension in the body kicks in... It's really tiring.

She just came back from work and I'm wondering: "fuck, what is wrong with me I want to break up with her?". Literally looking at her, sweet woman of mine. It's really messing me up. And shortly after that doubts and second thoughts begin to slide in.

I really wondered about it. I even made a test which showed that I'm secure actually... I think I will ponder this topic on my next session with the therapist.

She does want children. I was the first one brining that up. I want to feel happy and fulfilled in it. Pros: she's a loving person, she understands my needs very well, she's intelligent, caring and a good person overall. I feel that we share many values and views. I find her attractive, I love having sex with her. Cons: I feel frustrated when listening to her and opening up to her. It has nothing to do with what she says and who she is. It's more about my and my body's reactions that I don't understand.

Hey I'm not really looking for a quick fix, rather i'd like to hear your perspectives/thoughts. So lately i'm experiencing that i'd rather sit alone than meet other people. Maybe there are like 10 people overall that i'd like to meet and spend time with. I get nearly no satisfaction or positive feelings when meeting people. It's quite opposite actually - being around people (outside of professional cases) stresses the shit out of me. I guess it's like that for some time, but i came to this conclusion lately being open with myself. As i'm pretty ok with that i'd like to hear your thoughts. Maybe in my current life-time i did not find "the right" people or i just don't need it? I don't know. Please share your experiences, i'll highly appreciate it. Thanks.

Thank you. Why do you think it's such time for you now?

@snowyowl "@" me too bro, good luck.

Ask yourself

Dear guys and lads Im open to hear about how do you keep the flame burning in your romantic relationship. Context: Im with my girl for 3 years now. We're not ideal duo, however what is pretty cool about our relationship is that we grow together and learn new things from ourselves. Im pretty confident in my role as a man in the relationship, i lead and im decisive. Im also pretty horny guy. Its like 95% of the times me that initiates sex and im pretty cool with it. However id like to know your ways how do you keep the romance going, how do you keep sex full of emotions and making it great thing.

@Zeroguy I really try to get the meaning of your posts. But i think that's not the way.

Brilliant! Good job mate.

@Nahm I got it. Anyway adding medidation to my day program is crucial to me. May i message you?

Yeah classical Nahm.

And i'm really teared apart. One one hand - i really don't give a fuck about other people. Their silly things they talk about and say to me, some fucking stories, lies, bullshit and just unimportant thigs. I get it, maybe they like it that way. But it tires the fuck out of me. i mean i like to engage in some spontanous conversations or ask people about something that interests me. So yeah on the one hand i really don't feel a need to socialize. I'm up to sometimes meet my friends and maybe do some stuff. Apart from that i'm seeing my gf 2 days on the weekends. But, on the other hand - i feel like it takes value out from me. Me not wanting to talk, to socialize, i feel like a weirdo sometimes. I imagine myself being on a wedding with my gf (i hate those events) and being fucking forced to sit at the table. Unbearable conflict rises. I really don't want to force myself into some contact with other people, but i feel like it's stripping me out of some social power and social proof. It's tiring. Feels like i want to eat the cake and also to have it.

Yeah. There are many elements of social exchange that appear disguisting to me now. I try to bullshit others less and be more genuine so i'm really conscious about this now. It backfires tho. Thank you for those words. I have 3 friends which i can trust and be able to talk with them freely. That's really important for me.

It's called limited space. Listen - i work at a shop. I've got plenty of clients and some of them want to talk just for the sake of talking. This is tiring for me. i think you would understand that. And that's the great one. I 100% agree with you. Well: 1. this is a place where i can talk with people that have really something interesting to say and i can listen to them happily. 2. I can close the tab and the socializing ends. Do you mean the complexity of other people? I don't really get it. Yeah i'm really happy of myself and how many changes i apply to my life. However sometimes i'm really lost.

Where would you draw the line? Between being needed and desired. Yeah probably that's how i see the world generally - projections. Okay. This is hard but i think i know what you mean. But how do i implement what you said? What is the context?

Well @Nahm if she's my only sexual partner (at the moment ofc) how the heck am i supposed to not need her? I mean - i'm not needy. I don't really think i am, but i'm pretty horny creature that craves sex. Now what? Play the game of acting like i don't need that? Literary how? What does it even mean? That i don't do things that i think will make her need me? If that's the case it's kinda counterintuitive. Big one. Noted. Yeah i gotta say i got better at it lately i guess. What do you mean? Great one.

Thank you @aurum for your response. I've got to agree in the case of novelty and moving into higher consciousness forms of love. I'm interested if you have any tantric love practices/books/materials to recommend?

Aren't you thinking too much?

There goes our forum porn lover

Why not feel and embrace unhappiness? That's what i try to do lately and as counterintuitive it sounds - you learn to feel and accept unhappiness and simply live with it.