Tristan12

I don't know if that would really help me. I've been doing work with trauma healing, introspection, feeling through emotions, all those kinds of things for the last 5 years and I'm still in the same situation. I journal regularly which I enjoy but it doesn't really do anything to heal me. I could try the Sedona method as a regular practice, but considering my situation and weighing my options, it doesn't seem likely to help

I'm $30k in debt, a few thousand away from being bankrupt, and I have to go into more debt each month to cover living expenses since I can't work. My mum is in a lot of debt and just payed $7k for part of my ayahuasca retreat. So neither of us really have the money for that. On top of that, I'm sure that would take a huge amount of time for me to start seeing results, which just prolongs the amount of time I spend not working and not making an income, so I'd run out of money for that reason as well. Also, that's months or years of continued daily suffering for me when I'm already so exhausted and am barely hanging on. So I feel like that solution just doesn't really work for me.

It's complicated, because there is so much of it from so many sources that I can't easily label it as one specific condition. I've suffered from deep shame and deep abandonment wounds all my life. The past 7 years I've suffered from PTSD and bad anxiety. The PTSD has morphed and shifted over time, getting worse and worse, and at this point I'm in an extremely severe state. I spend probably 3-5 hours a day stuck in anxious thought loops, and it's been like that every day for the past 7 years. I am extremely sensitive, even the slightest bit of disapproval, sense that I did something wrong or made someone not like me, it REALLY hurts and I can't stop thinking about it. I get overwhelmed easily leaving the house and going to new places. It's extremely difficult to get any work done. I don't have a job or anything so I have all day every day to work on things, an I can only get 1-2 hours of work done a day (if even that) because of constant thinking, and having such a strong need to distract myself. Every little thing in my life causes me pain. I remember in one of my ayahuasca ceremonies, I had this vision of me looking at my to do list, in such deep anxiety and suffering, only because I was stuck in an anxious thought loop over the way my to-do list was formatted - like the order that the tasks were in, etc. There is just so much tension and suffering over even the smallest things, and it's been like this day after day for 7 years The worst thing of all is that over the past year I've dealt with really bad heartbreak from a girl (we never got into a romantic relationship but I still got really attached to her). What makes it so bad is experiencing that heartbreak through the lens of all of these emotional issues I have. I got so addicted and attached to her because I needed her as an escape from my emotional pain so badly, and of course that drove her away and made her want nothing to do with me, and that heartbreak has been hell. That has been the absolute most difficult thing I've ever dealt with. I cannot get over her. It drives me insane every single day. I fucking hate that I have to be alive in a world where I have to be without her. On top of that it drives me crazy that I'm 24 and a virgin. I'm a horny guy and I wish I could have sex so badly, and it makes me feel so inferior and emasculate that I can't attract a girl. Again, experiencing that through the lens of my horrible emotional state makes it 1000% times worse/more painful. Knowing that there's guys out there that get to fuck this girl I want more than anything, but I can't, and I have to stay in my situation and suffer. On top of that I'm $30k in debt, almost bankrupt, can't work because of my condition, I'm stuck living with my mum who I do not like at all. . . Throughout these 7 years, despite how ridiculously difficult it's been, I've always felt like it was there to grow me, and so there was always a part of me that was still somewhat on board with life, despite how bad things got. But over the past year, it's gotten so bad that it doesn't feel like just a challenge anymore, it feels like pure torment and cruelty. It feels like some sick, twisted hell that is torturing me and I can't get out of it. It's gone too far. I've become so exhausted, burnt out, and sick and tired of my situation, that I absolutely despise life at this point and I have no desire to live. I do not like being alive, I don't want to be alive, I don't consent to being alive, I'm alive against my own will. I want to be dead. I don't want to participate in life, I don't want to 'play the game' of life. It's all gone too far and been too much, I'm just done with it, and I have been for a long time, but I keep living. I've felt this exact way all year. I remember saying these same things to myself during a time in May when I got really burnt out and suicidal. I barely managed to convince myself to keep going, trusting that things would eventually work out. I kept going for a few months, then got really burnt out again in August, and for the first time I attempted suicide multiple times. I came to the unfortunate realization that it's a lot harder to kill myself than I thought, especially when I'm not 100% certain I want to do it. So I eventually decided to keep going with life. Then I did ayahuasca over the past few months, things got so much better, then I lost all my results when I got home and now I'm back in the same situation. So throughout this year I REALLY have been making an effort to make things better, despite how much I don't want to keep living. The fact that nothing has changed up to this point and I still want to be dead as much as I did at the start of the year, it just makes it even more convincing to end things. I hate being alive so much and have such little desire to participate in life, that it makes me want to say: if anyone reading this wants me to keep living, then YOU do something about it. I know you'll say "take responsibility for your life and your situation, other people aren't gonna hold your hand". But that assumes that I even want to keep living or try so hard to improve my situation. I'll do what I can to improve my situation if it's not too difficult and doesn't take too long, so I'm not totally helpless, but if it's going to take years of grueling work, then forget it. It's my right as an individual to not participate in life if I don't want to. That often feels like the only sense of control I have over my situation. I don't care if it's cowardly or not right to do something like that. I just don't care anymore.

I used to do all those things (working out, eating healthy). I'm a very ambitious person and in my teenage years I was so into doing all these kinds of things and doing everything I could to grow myself and be the best version of myself. I only stopped when my emotional issues got too bad. I started working out again a couple months ago, but before that I took a break for a few years because it became another thing that overwhelmed me and stressed me out. I also used to eat really clean, but I let myself start to eat junk food just to have something to enjoy while I go through all the pain I'm in. My point is that I used to do all those things, and the only reason I don't do all of them now is because of the emotional pain I suffer from, so building all of these habits again isn't going to help me cope with my emotional issues.

No, just emotional pain. PTSD, anxiety, shame, a whole assortment of issues, and the combination of everything together has gotten worse and worse over the years to the point where every single thing I encounter in life causes me so much suffering and it's just unbearable.

@Thought Art Why do things like ayahuasca retreats and psychedelic assisted therapies exist then? What's the point if they don't heal you? I've spent the last 5 years studying trauma healing techniques and trying to heal myself without psychedelics, and none of it worked. If psychedelics are meant to give me glimpses of what's possible so I can work towards it sober, then I'm just back in the same situation as before. If I have to play the long game even now at this point, when I'm absolutely at my wits end, I'd rather just be dead.

No I haven't

@Leo Gura I hate my life because of the severe emotional issues I have, and how much pain I am constantly in. When I got back from my ayahuasca retreat, I was feeling great and got starting on building new habits, starting to build my career, etc but then a few days later my emotional issues started to come back and I had to stop everything I was doing because I felt so awful again I have lots of things I’m passionate about, I know my life purpose, I know exactly what I’d want to do with my life if I was well and healthy. But I am in such an extreme amount of pain, day after day, and its been this way for years. It only gets worse, and even with all the work I’ve done with psychedelics, I still can’t recover. The pain has taken so much out of me that I just have no desire to continue living. I’ve felt this way all year and it just gets worse. I’m not on the edge of ending things right now, I just need a solution because its driving me crazy

@RendHeaven All of that is helpful, thanks

@MaDoubt Potentially, but the fact that I've spent so much time with ayahuasca (known for being one of the best healing psychedelics out there) and I'm still not any better, it makes me hesitant to spend more time and money on other retreats. But I'll keep iboga in mind, thanks

@RendHeaven I don't think going deep into spirituality or ego-death would be a good idea for me right now. I did 5-MeO-DMT today, and I always do a very light dose (I have a vape pen and I only do half of one pull). I'm okay with that amount, but there is still resistance at times, and sometimes when I get anxious, I get to the point where no matter how much I tell myself to surrender or let go, it won't happen, because my ego is very afraid and it's resisting at too deep of a level for my words or suggestions to make any difference. I'm fine with these low doses because the substance doesn't push me too hard, so it doesn't turn into a bad trip, it's just a bit uncomfortable at times, but I think being forced into an ego death would traumatize me. The main questions I have about contemplation on psychedelics is how do you think clearly when you are on a substance, and is it even a good idea to intentionally be thinking, because isn't it better to surrender and let go? It's not even that my contemplation attempts are fruitless, it's that it doesn't feel natural or right to be contemplating (I feel like my thoughts pull me away from the trip), so I just stop doing it, and I'm wondering if there is a certain way to contemplate on psychedelics? I do think it is probably the substance, I think I should try it on something like mescaline or mushrooms, but still, it feels weird to intentionally be thinking on a trip when I've always heard that you're supposed to calm your thoughts and surrender to the experience

@What Am I Thanks for the info

@What Am I yeah. I have a ton of emotional pain stored within me, I've been suffering with extreme mental health issues for years, and I'm finally starting to use psychedelics to try and heal them. Because of that, my ego is very fragile, fearful and attached, and so I'm trying to be very cautious with psychedelics as to not terrify and traumatize myself even more, because I know that could easily happen with my condition. I got back from an ayahuasca retreat almost a month ago, and I did the natural version of 5-meo-dmt there, which I enjoyed. Because of that I was comfortable trying the synthetic version, but the synthetic version feels stronger, and I feel like I could easily be pushed towards ego death and get traumatized if I take too much, so I stick with very small doses, and I'm going to do the same with malt. I tried mescaline recently and I absolutely loved it, it feels perfect for me, but now the problem i'm facing is that all the healing i've been getting doesn't last. I did 5 weeks of ayahausca (16 ceremonies + 6 Bufo), left totally transformed, then a few days later I was back to my normal self. The mescaline trip I did about a week ago also helped me a ton, but two days later I was back to how I was before. I think there is a part of me that is resisting the integration, that doesn't want to heal for some reason. I think doing parts work would be a good idea, so i'm going to work on doing that, but I was hoping I could also get some insight into what is causing this from psychedelics. I will be getting mushrooms and DMT next week so I've been thinking of working with small doses of those, but I am a little nervous to do so considering that they are not as gentle. But I'd appreciate people's advice here both on how to contemplate on psychedelics, and also with what psychedelics they suggest for me given my situation.

@OBEler thanks!

I plugged 5mg of malt yesterday (my first time doing malt). The body effects were quite strong. A lot of buzzing in my body, some flashes, and feelings of warmth. Kind of similar to mescaline, and it was pretty enjoyable. All of those body effects made me really horny as well, more than mescaline. There was a very small amount of constriction in my stomach at times which made it a little hard to breathe, but it was barely noticeable. Overall the body effects were pleasant, unlike 5-MeO-DMT. There wasn’t too big of a difference in my consciousness, the body effects were definitely the more prominent affect, but I’m sure if I increased the dose I would get a larger shift in my consciousness. Farther into the trip I started to feel very tired and lethargic, similar to how I felt on ayahuasca. I would lay down, close my eyes, and go limp, surrendering into the body effects. It was almost like I got so tired and went so limp that I could barely think or try to control anything anymore, and the substance would just take my consciousness and do what it wanted with it. It didn’t go very far probably because of the small dose, but I’m guessing that would go farther if the dose was increased. It definitely felt more gentle and less intense than 5-MeO-DMT. Even though the come-up was more gradual because I plugged it, just the overall energy of it felt more gentle, even though it still felt like it had the potential to take me deep in the way that 5-MeO-DMT would. It’s almost like 5-MeO-DMT is like a rocket ship that just launches you and rapidly increases your consciousness whether you like it or not, and 5-MeO-MALT sort of sedates you and melts you with the body effects, which beckons you to surrender, which brings you to that large and intense increase in consciousness in a more gentle way. That's how it felt to me this time at least.

@Leo Gura Can you explain how to contemplate on psychedelics? You talk a lot about how psychedelics supercharge your contemplation, but I don't understand how to do it, because trying to think about something distracts me from the trip, and on top of that I don't feel like I can contemplate any better than I can sober. If anything it's harder because I can't think as clearly. I've gotten insights from psychedelics that they have presented to me, but I want to get a specific question answered that I have about my emotional issues, and I don't understand how to contemplate or investigate that while on a psychedelic

I've heard Leo talk about asking questions about the awakenings he has and things he experiences on those kinds of psychedelics, so I would assume he is still contemplating similar to how you would sober. But I was thinking that maybe I need a different psychedelic for the type of contemplation I want to do. For getting answers about my psychology and emotional issues, I was thinking mushrooms or maybe DMT could be helpful.

I’d appreciate if more people could provide insight into this because this is something I really need to get figured out

I don't really know what you mean. I tried 5-MeO-MALT today for the first time, threshold dose, and I had a question I wanted to contemplate and get an answer to (it's about my mental health issues - why the healing I get doesn't last. I wonder if there is a part of me that is preventing the healing from sticking because of some kind of resistance or something). I started thinking about it, but it wasn't any easier to get an answer by being in an altered state of consciousness, and I felt like I was distracting myself from the experience so I just stopped. I quieted my mind and relaxed into the experience, and I never got any answer to my question. I don't understand how people contemplate on psychedelics

So do you not have to think really? You just ask questions and the trip guides you to the answer? Like setting an intention kind of?

My first time doing mescaline (this is the synthetic HCl form). Total dose was 200mg I took 100mg at 9:18am, mixed with water and drank it, on an empty stomach. After about 20 minutes I started to feel a soft buzz in my face. It’s 9:44am, I’m laying on my bed listening to Venice Bitch by Lana Del Rey, and everything feels so gentle and smooth. My thoughts are reduced, there is this beautiful, peaceful, airy sort of feeling. I feel a little nauseous, but not much. I can feel that this medicine is very gentle, soft and loving like how people say, similar to how I imagine MDMA would be. I’ve known for a long time that I’ve needed really soft and gentle love, like how a mother would love a small child. That’s something I didn’t get enough of as a child and I’ve felt many times in the past that that kind of love is what I need. Even though my previous ayahuasca and Bufo trips were great, I felt like I never really got that gentle love from it, but it feels like that is totally possible from Mescaline. Feeling this gentleness, this love, this ecstasy, and crying and purging from this place, this is EXACTLY what I need. I started to feel into my shame a bit, and I started to cry, but when I cry, it doesn’t feel like just an emotionless purge like how it did on ayahuasca, it feels like someone is there with me listening to me and comforting me because of the ecstasy and love of this medicine, and that’s exactly what I need. My body feels warm and is buzzing all over, and it feels great. I started to feel like I don’t deserve an experience like this, I don’t deserve softness, gentleness, love and euphoria, but feeling into those thoughts and feelings helped me to release my shame more. The love was pretty gentle and soft throughout the whole trip, but I remember there was a moment around this point in the trip where it was mixed with ecstasy as well, which really amplified the love and softness, and to cry out my emotional pain while in that state was absolutely incredible, and I would love to have more experiences like that. Second dose I eventually stopped working on my shame as much, and continued to listen to music, lying on my bed. It’s 11:13am. Overall everything feels great, there’s no issue, but it’s very light and I want to do deeper work on myself, so I took another 100mg. I noticed throughout this whole trip, that the nausea was pretty minimal, and whatever I did feel wasn’t really uncomfortable because it was overlapped by the body high. Maybe it’s because I took it on an empty stomach and took two light doses. It’s 11:50am, I can feel it getting deeper. I’m listening to music, on my bed under a blanket, and I can feel myself starting to go into my shame again because that’s where I want to go. I can feel the love of the medicine helping again like it did before, and it’s pushing me to go into my shame, but it’s uncomfortable going into it, because I know I will have to face it and feel through it all. I have a few hours by myself at home until my mum comes home, but I keep thinking about how much I wouldn’t want her to hear me crying and reacting like this. Even though I know she won’t be coming home until later, I keep thinking about her hearing me. I started thinking to myself, my mum makes me feel more shame and socially anxious than anybody else, and I am trapped living with her and cannot get away from her. As long as I’m around her, I’m not free because I can’t express myself. The only way past that is to become comfortable expressing myself around her and not let the shame I feel around her affect me anymore. She’s where I originally got it from anyways, so you will only really be free by facing and resolving the source. I kept crying more and more as I thought about the shame my mum makes me feel. I could feel the medicine getting stronger and taking me deeper. I realized that me being afraid of my mum hearing me cry is something I need to purge, because that fear comes from the shame I hold inside. Another thing I realized is that part of being authentic is expressing myself and my authentic needs, telling her when she does something that bothers me, and continuing to enforce it and rebel against her if she doesn’t listen and respect it. I have the right to do that. Thinking about my abandonment trauma After all of this, I started to think back to my original abandonment wound around my mum, the wound that caused all of this shame. I started to feel how it felt to be a small child, 3 years old, and for my mum to walk away from me and leave me when I was hurt, crying and upset, and I really needed her. I felt how ashamed that made me feel. All alone, nobody loved me or cared about me enough to help me. I felt like an outcast, like there was something so wrong and bad about me. I could see how extremely painful shame can be, especially when there is this much of it. It was hard to get myself to go deeper into it. I was wanting the medicine to force me in deeper, so I could sit with it and release it, because it was hard having to willingly go into it, and eventually it seemed to do that. It got a bit uncomfortable and I started to want to not be in this experience, but I realized I was being forced to feel deeper into my shame exactly how I wanted. Throughout all of this I was crying really hard and loud. I was so happy about this experience that I was having, because I have been wanting to work on and release this shame for a long time, it’s been my top priority for things I want to heal, and I was not only addressing it, but it was being done in such a loving and gentle way, exactly as I needed. I cried a lot throughout this whole trip, really deep and hard. Releasing tension in my body Throughout all of this I was shaking my body a lot, and starting to hit my thighs. There was a lot of tension in my body that needed to be released. I decided to grab my foam roller and go on the floor and start using it. Amazing idea! I used it on my thighs. I was groaning and breathing so loud as I used it, and it felt so good. When I would use it on my hamstrings, especially higher up and more along my inner thigh, I would start crying really hard. I think using a foam roller was such a good idea because I feel like I released so much more tension in my thighs than I would have by hitting them or shaking my legs, and it was great for doing more emotional purging. After doing foam rolling and some stretching, I feel significantly more flexible and loose than I’ve ever been, more than months of sober stretching I’ve done in the past. I also used the foam roller on the front part of my shoulders, and I spent time massaging that area with my fingers. That led to some emotional release as well, and I feel like I released a lot of tension there. I got the craving to bite down really hard on something, so I got a flattened toilet paper roll that I brought home from my ayahuasca retreat after using it there, and I bit down on that. That felt awesome, and I released a lot of tension in my jaw. I then used it in combination with massaging the front of my shoulders. That area is really tense and painful, and by biting down hard, I felt like that made it easier to release the pain and tension. I had moments of really intense crying and emotional release, largely from the beautiful music I was listening to. I would go back and forth between crying hard and feeling into emotions, and doing physical work to release tension in my body. This is just what I felt like doing but I feel like that works perfectly for healing trauma. Other realizations I realized that I won’t ascend to God and reach massive spiritual development while still having all these emotional wounds, and still being so hurt and crippled by them. I will fully recover from them, 100%, as if I never had them to begin with, and I will reach God in a totally clean, pure, healed state, left with only the wisdom and development gained by suffering from excruciating emotional issues for the first 24 years of my life. All of the emotional baggage I have can be overcome and released, despite how deep it is, and I will reach God and wholeness as if I never even lost my wholeness to begin with. I realized that using a substance like mescaline was perfect for me. I’ve known for a long time that very gentle, motherly love is what I really need, and so choosing to work with a psychedelic that can most easily provide that is the most intelligent choice for me to make when picking a psychedelic to use for healing. When I get farther into healing my shame, there’s a point that I reach where I feel like it’s very hard for me to go much farther, because I’m really getting out of my comfort zone at that point. At that point it’s like I don’t want to let go of my shame beyond that, because it’s comfortable for me, and fully letting go of my shame and being totally open and authentic is scary, unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me. I think more trips to gradually heal my shame at deeper levels, along with pushing myself to get out of my comfort zone in social situations and be authentic and expressive when I feel okay enough to do so, I think that will help me. Conclusion By the end of the trip, and since it’s finished, I definitely feel a big improvement in how I feel emotionally, and my body feels so loose and relaxed, and like such a significant amount of tension has been released. I’m so grateful that I was able to work on my shame, because that’s what I wanted to work on the most, and the beautiful loving energy of mescaline felt like exactly what I needed. It was amazing. I’m grateful for how much healing I got considering that this was just meant to be an introductory trip, so I’m glad I took a second dose. Along with the gentle, loving energy of mescaline, I noticed it also feels kind of foggy and airy, like there is fog in between my perspective of everything. In between me and my thoughts, my perception of the external world, by perception of how I’m acting. It’s hard to judge or make sense of what is going on because it feels like I can’t see or perceive it clearly. This isn’t anything negative, it’s just an effect. I also didn’t have any visuals at all. I thought everything had a purple glow to it, but then I realized I had a purple light on. Amazing experience, I definitely want to work with mescaline again. Attached are two audio clips, one of me crying, one of me using my foam roller Crying.mp3 Foam Roller.mp3

What kind of problems?

I'm currently doing research on this and it sounds like it is orally active, whereas 5-MeO-DMT and DMT aren't. Search 5-MeO-MALT here: https://tripsit.me/factsheets It shows dosages and durations for 5-MeO-MALT taken orally, and I got the same answers when asking ChatGPT. Sounds like threshold is 5-10mg so I would start there. I'll probably try this soon myself so I can let you know how it goes

I saw a really easy way to peel them from this post on instagram. If you peel them in a large bowl of water, the seeds sink and the white parts float, which makes it easy to separate them. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1sJr6QRWjr/?igsh=MTZtbnl5MXZteGplMQ==