Tristan12

Thank you for the advice, I'll keep that in mind. I really appreciate the last thing you said. I've really been struggling over the past few days with deep suicidal thoughts again. I've really been trying to push myself to actually end things, because I keep wanting to do it but I never take action, and I'm so tired of it. I really tried to convince myself, but I've always had this deep intuition that I have to keep going with life, things will work out, and I have too much potential to throw everything away. This intuition is so strong that I just can't get around it no matter what I do. I really hate it because it keeps me alive and stuck in my suffering. I realized yesterday though, that maybe I should stop living my life for myself and my own enjoyment, and instead live only for my potential, for the person I could become, and the impact I could have on the world one day. That way I don’t have any expectations to be happy, to not be in pain. I only live for the sake of developing myself and getting to the point where I can share my gifts with the world. That’s the only reason I stay alive, because if it was up to me, I’d be dead. This makes things a lot easier to deal with, because I don’t expect myself to be happy, or to not suffer, and I don’t take it so seriously or personally when things cause me pain, because I don’t live this life for myself or my own enjoyment. Living this way doesn't mean I make myself suffer on purpose - I still try to practice self-love, be kind to myself, and don't put myself through more suffering than I need to, but the point is that I continue to live this life for the sake of actualizing my potential, not because I actually want to be alive and live this life. I've already noticed that I feel way better living this way. It makes me so much less resistant to my pain, which both helps me to face it and figure out how to heal it, and it allows me to actually start to enjoy life, because I'm more able to accept everything that's happening. I think my life needs to be lived this way. It's way too painful to live my life just for my own self, but if I know that my reason for living is for something bigger than myself, then the pain doesn't affect me so much and it becomes more bearable. It also allows me to not have to act like I like living or like I want to be alive, and being able to be honest about those feelings makes them easier to deal with. I appreciate your last paragraph because it reminds me that I do have potential, and that it will be worth it for me to keep living because eventually I can turn my life into something amazing. Thank you

@Leo Gura @Davino @RendHeaven @OBEler Thanks guys! I did 5-MeO-DMT again earlier today, and I had a similar trip, but even deeper, and it was absolutely incredible. Here's a report: I took one single inhale (deeper than usual), and I noticed the substance felt different than it ever has before. Right away, within about 30 seconds, I popped out of my human life, and I felt like I could see myself with a paintbrush, designing my life exactly as it is right now. Everything I've been going through, it's all happening intentionally, and I'm the one creating it. I felt like I was sitting outside of my life as a human, and I was with God/The Universe. I was looking at things in my life that cause me massive amounts of pain that I am constantly suffering from. I felt like I was holding it in my hands, and it was all so heavy, and then it became crystal clear that all of this pain is just something I'm imagining. I felt like I was leaving my human life more, and merging with God, and as that happened, I could feel all of this pain getting ripped out of me. It felt like the pain was just some clothing I was wearing, a dream I was in, but beneath all of that, the real me - God, is completely unscathed, as if I was never hurt to begin with. It felt like these "clothes" I was wearing were starting to come off, like I didn't have to be burdened by all this pain anymore, and I was returning to the perfect, pristine state that I originally came from. There was this very strong feeling of the universe "reclaiming what belongs to it" (reclaiming me). I could see that I belong to the universe, I am the universe, and so there is no way that I would be left permanently broken or damaged. I will always be able to go back to being completely healed, because I'm not just some tiny individual human, I am the universe itself, and the universe is too big and powerful to get destroyed or hurt by some occurrences in a human life. I saw that I never had to doubt for a second that the pain I've been through in my life would make life not worth living, or the universe not worth existing in. I saw that all of this suffering can be gone in an instant, and I can be in pristine, perfect condition as if I was never hurt to begin with. I saw that this place I was in now, being with God, this is what I REALLY want, more than anything, no matter how much I may think I want anything in human life. I was thinking again about how amazing the intelligence of this substance is, how it created a deep spiritual experience for me in a way that I could handle and wasn't too overwhelming, but then I realized again, it's not the substance doing it, it's me as God doing it to myself. It was hard for me to believe it, and I wanted to give the substance credit for the experience, but then it was like no, it's really not the substance at all, it's YOU! You as God are creating this experience for yourself! I started to think about telling other people in my life about this experience, including people on this forum, but then I realized: every person in my life, this whole forum, and Leo, it's all ME! I am all of it! From that perspective, I saw that there was no reason for me to tell anyone on this forum about this experience, or to engage with the forum at all, because the entire thing is just me. There is ONLY ME. I might as well just sit alone and enjoy this experience myself. One of the things that sticks out most to me about this trip is just how deeply I realized that everything was ME. As I came out of my human life, as I saw myself as God, as I saw that people and the physical world are imaginary, I saw at deeper and deeper levels that everything is just me. The entire universe is my dream, my own self, and that is absolutely, 100% the case. I remember sitting upright on my bed, I opened my eyes and was looking at my body, and it was so clear that I was God sitting in a human body. I kept saying to myself "I'm not Tristan, I am God. I'm not Tristan, I am God". Throughout this entire experience, I was completely astounded. So many times I was like "OH MY GOD!! HOLY FUCK!". Just absolutely in love with this substance and the experience it's giving me, but at the same time remembering that I'm doing this to myself. I felt so safe and loved throughout this whole experience. There was a lot of crying and emotional release. It got to the point where it felt like the universe was wanting me to go deeper into it, wanting me to fully exit out of human life and go to "the other side" (which I would assume is referring to ego death). I really felt like it would be safe to do so, I really trusted the universe, and I feel like even with how fearful and fragile my ego is, I could probably make it through ego death without freaking out. I was taking more hits of the vape, bit by bit, but it was never enough to push me all the way, and I was too afraid too push myself too far, in case it went bad. But it really feels like with these recent trips, I am being eased closer to ego death in a way that I can handle, so maybe I'll end up reaching that point sooner than I thought.

Yeah for sure. I had a mescaline trip not long ago where I started using a foam roller on my legs during the trip, and a lot of emotions came up and got purged through doing that. I store a lot of shame in my upper inner thighs, I would start crying so hard any time I would massage that area. I think doing body work on psychedelics (and in general) can be really powerful

When taking 5-MeO-DMT or something similar, is it safe or okay to take another dose as you are starting to come down? I am very cautious with the dosage I take, as to not overdo it, so the other day when I was doing 5-MeO-DMT, I waited about 10 minutes before deciding to take another hit, but at that point I was already part way through the trip. Also, when I was farther into the trip and it was close to ending, I really liked where I was at and what I was working on, so I wanted the trip to continue, so I took another hit, but I didn't know if it was a good idea. Is it okay to take more doses in the middle or near the end of short-lasting trips like 5-MeO-DMT, to make it go on longer?

Only kriya yoga

I went to one of the highest rated ayahuasca centres out there. They were great. Their shamans were Shipibo, the centre was in the Amazon in Peru. https://www.arkanainternational.com/ I was there for 5 weeks. I did 16 ayahuasca ceremonies, 6 Bufo ceremonies, and a plant diet for one week. I had a lot of issues connecting with the medicine at first. I tried to control the trips too much, I would think too much, it was hard for me to surrender. Things only started to work for me in my last week there, and I had a series of ceremonies with massive amounts of purging. I have an idea of why the healing might not have stuck for me. I think it has to do with parts of me resisting other parts, and not allowing the emotions to integrate. It's surprising because I thought ayahuasca would have been intelligent enough to notice that and resolve that, but maybe I was still controlling too much and still had issues connecting with the medicine. Over the past week I've been using my prior psychology knowledge + working with psychedelics to try and get an understanding of why my healing didn't stick, and I feel like I'm starting to get somewhere with it. So I'm hoping I'll be able to heal myself. Even though the healing didn't stick with ayahuasca, I worked with it for so long that surely it must have healed me in some ways. Maybe there was healing done at a much deeper level that I'm not aware of, and I need to take care of my main emotional issues with the work I'm doing now. I don't think me losing my results has anything to do with negative thoughts. When I left the retreat, a lot of my emotional issues were gone, but a few days later they started to come back, and I didn't change anything about how I was thinking or the kinds of thoughts I was having.

Not much honestly. Most trips were very bodily, like a lot of physical discomfort, vomiting, groaning, and then the more mental or emotional trips I had were mostly different forms of purging (crying, groaning, shaking, etc). The few insights or realizations I had weren't really things that I could apply to my everyday life. I took very deep and extensive notes on my trips, and spent hours writing out trip reports, so I have record of what happened and I could go back and look at them, but off the top of my head I can't think of anything I learned that I could apply to my everyday life, at least anything that would help me heal. But maybe it would be valuable to look through my trip reports and contemplate what I could apply from my trips to my everyday life, and maybe I could get new ideas for tools I could use from that.

Were there legal repercussions for being on a substance?

That's what people keep saying, but I don't understand what that means. I spent years doing emotional work on myself without psychedelics before ever doing ayahuasca. Now that I've done it, I don't feel any different, and I am back in the same place of having to do sober work. That's good to know

@Sincerity It's hard to understand exactly what you're saying, because I don't know if I have the right idea about the things you're talking about and what you're referring to. Both you and @QandC say the following thing: I'm assuming you're talking about physical death here. That's what I was referring to originally. My idea of what happens once the physical body dies is that the ego dissolves, you leave the dream of life, and you merge with God and infinity, like a water drop falling into the ocean. That is my idea of what happens when you die from what I've learned about spirituality. If this is wrong, then please explain what happens after death. All of the suffering I've been through over the years has led to me developing a connection with existential love, and when I access existential love, I can feel my ego fading away, and the love getting stronger, and that effect increases more over time as I suffer more. It feels like I have been meant to stay stuck in suffering for years to chip away at my ego, and connect me to existential love. All of this has also made me significantly more interested in the spiritual path, and I'm barely interested in material goals at this point (beyond what's needed for basic survival). It's clear to me that I've gotten a lot of spiritual development out of the suffering I've been through, I have a strong intuition that all of that was meant to happen and that's why I've suffered so much to begin with, so it doesn't resonate and I don't agree when you say that I have the wrong idea about needing to suffer, or that it was all for nothing. How do you know? Isn't it a common occurrence throughout history that people go through massive amounts of suffering, which ultimately leads them to a massive awakening one day? I have already gotten a lot of spiritual development from the suffering I've been through. Of course I don't know if it would lead to a huge awakening or not, but I don't see why it would be unreasonable to think that it might. I don't think that more suffering and then a massive awakening needs to happen at this point, but I'm just saying that I don't think I'm unreasonable to have suspected that it might.

What do you mean? Do you mean that the effects can linger if you spend too much time with something like 5meo at once?

Thank you guys

@Sincerity That gives me a lot to think about. Thank you for your response

I'm starting to get into psychedelics and I need information on dosages and routes of administration. I did some brief research on google and in the search bar here but it was hard to find everything I was looking for, so I'd appreciate if anyone could link me some resources or just type out the information here. I'd like information on all of the main psychedelics, for my notes. Info on mushrooms and LSD are easy to find myself with a google search. I ordered NN-DMT and 5-MeO-DMT vape pens and I got info on dosage for those, but I'd like info on dosage for other routes of administration, with HCL or freebase. I also need info on dosages for synthetic mescaline, including dosing for plugging. And lastly I really need dosages for 5-MeO-MALT because I haven't found any info on that yet. Really any information you guys can share with me on dosing, ROA and what to expect from these psychedelics would be appreciated. Here are some links I have so far: (thanks to max) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/8019-the-5-meo-dmt-mega-thread/?page=149#comment-1477662 https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/8019-the-5-meo-dmt-mega-thread/?page=149#comment-1535014 https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/8019-the-5-meo-dmt-mega-thread/?do=findComment&comment=76320

I don't think so, for this reason: When I suffer for years, the pain I feel on a daily basis is coming from a core trauma/emotional wound. Why would I have to heal from the pain that wound creates for years, on top of the original wound itself? To me it makes more sense that you would heal the core wound, and then all of the pain and symptoms coming from that would be healed as a result of that. That's the point of a root solution. Why would you also need to heal all the symptoms and pain you've gone through over the years on top of that? In that case, you would think that you would need emotional healing for every single day of your life, for every little bit of pain you go through

@shree Thank you. I especially like what you said about psychedelics. I used a foam roller on one of my recent trips and I feel like that really helped me to release a lot of blocked emotions in my body. I think what you suggested is another good technique to use

No, I didn't I say it that way because the pain I experience is so complex and coming from so many different sources. It's become this way over time as my primary issues became more severe. The pain of it all seems to have broken down and degraded my mind to a point where every little thing hurts me and causes me suffering, and it's all so intricate and complex. I could articulate exactly what causes me pain, how I experience pain on a daily basis, where it comes from, but it would take a massive amount of writing to do that, which is why I haven't written it here The plans I have for what I want to do with my life are based on my passions and what I love. There isn't anything else that motivates or interests me more (at least that I've discovered so far). This comment makes me think of parts work though. The idea of exploring your mind to see if there are parts of you with opposing feelings and motivations, that may be holding you back or creating resistance, and working with them to create harmony. I think this is what I need to figure out why I haven't been able to heal and why my results aren't sticking, but I think this could be useful for me in other ways as well, to get a deeper understanding of my psychology.

This means a lot to me, thank you. I forget that I have my channel linked in my signature, and honestly it's kind of embarrassing that I have videos talking about psychology and emotional healing, when I've spent years trying to heal myself and haven't succeeded, and I'm barely surviving. But it means a lot that you still view it in a positive light, and you see my potential. I think I'm too hard on myself expecting myself to be some psychology master when I'm 24, and on top of that the extreme emotional issues I've been dealing with over the years have definitely made me a lot less effective at my work than I could have been. Your response reminds me of my potential, and I know I could do something really profound with my life and my work down the road if I manage to hang in there, and as you said, learn the lessons that this chapter of my life is trying to teach me. Yeah, I don't think what I said in my original post about a large dose of 5meo would be a good idea, so I'm not going to do that until I get better. But I do plan to continue to work with psychedelics in smaller doses, for healing and emotional release, along with other kinds of work to try and figure out why my healing isn't sticking, and hopefully that will allow me to resolve things. Thank you for your response

@RendHeaven Thank you, especially for the descriptions, that’s really helpful

I've heard Leo and other people talking about contemplating on psychedelics, and how doing that supercharges your contemplation. I don't really understand how to do that though, because psychedelics generally make it more difficult to think clearly, and even if you can, it sort of takes your attention off of the trip, when I figured it would be better to calm your mind, surrender, and focus on the experience? Can someone please explain to me how this is done, because I have questions I want to get answers to from psychedelics, but I don't really know how to approach it.

I've developed a deep connection to existential love from all the suffering I've been through over the years. It gets deeper and deeper over time and so I feel like I have good reason to suspect that this chapter of my life might be meant to end with a massive awakening. What I wrote about using psychedelics to try and have a massive awakening, that was just an idea. It doesn't mean I'm actually going to do that, or that I've been trying to do that with psychedelics in the past. I don't think I'm too spiritually immature at all to be taking psychedelics. How dare you say my wish to die is ridiculous. I'm in an incredible amount of suffering, I have been for years. If I desire to die, to leave this world, become one with God, then that's how I feel, and I don't appreciate you saying it's ridiculous. I don't care if you didn't mean to put me down. You don't speak to a highly suicidal person like that.

I took notes on almost every line from the Spiral Dynamics stage yellow video, it took me around 5 hours. The benefit was that allowed me to organize the information better and set up the note in a way that is easy to follow. I was then able to make another note summarizing each section in my own words, basically making a guide on how to reach stage yellow. It's up to you how you want to take notes on the ego development video, but there can be benefit to taking notes even if you're writing down every line. For the what is truth video, I think it's up to you whether you want to take notes on that or not, and if so, how in depth they are. Whatever is helpful to you. Personally I would still take notes on it, maybe write out the main points and give solid explanations to make sure you really understand what Leo is saying.

That's the process that I worked with for 4.5 years (I stopped in August). I started using it, it didn't work for me, then I spent the rest of the time trying to figure out how to make it work, making my own versions of it, and I eventually had to stop because I was going to end up killing myself if I didn't do something else. I know that working with a practitioner would probably be different, so that's an option I guess. My main problem right now is that the healing I get doesn't stick. I had a really deep and profound healing experience one time in 2020 when I was toying around with making my own version of the completion process (although I was never able to recreate it) the healing I got with it was deeper than some healing experiences I've had with psychedelics, and I felt totally different after, but a few days later, the results were gone. Then as I said before, I got a ton of healing from ayahuasca, and from a mescaline trip I had, but the healing faded away a few days after those experiences as well. I really feel like there must be a part of me that is resisting the healing. I became aware a few years ago that I have a wound of powerlessness on top of my shame/abandonment wound. What that means is that I have a lot of resistance to the shame I feel, because it makes me feel deeply powerless when I feel it. I always figured that was the reason why the healing didn't stick with my experience in 2020. With ayahuasca, I figured the medicine would have been intelligent enough to recognize and resolve any blockages like that that I might have, so it's strange to me that my results still didn't stick. . It doesn't make sense to me why the healing doesn't stick when I get big emotional releases on psychedelics. Childhood trauma is created when a child goes through an intensely difficult emotional experience, they can't handle it on their own because there is nobody there supporting them, and so they dissociate, which separates the painful emotion from their conscious mind, and suppresses it, with the intention of revisiting and releasing it later. If there was a parent there to comfort the child, the emotion could be processed and released, and there would be no lasting trauma. Because of that, it would make sense that all you would need is to cry out and process the blocked emotion, so there would be no need for healing to take months or years, you just need to be able to access the emotion buried in your subconscious. That's what I did with that experience I had in 2020. The purging lasted maybe 10-20 minutes and I felt like a totally different person after. Psychedelics allow you to get into your subconscious mind, to access and purge these difficult emotions, so if I can feel through and process these emotions on psychedelics, why would the healing not stick? People say that psychedelics show you what's possible, and then you have to work towards it sober, but if that's the case, then it's kind of weird how that happens. For example, when I'm on a psychedelic, I process and release emotional pain. I cry, I yell, all of that, and then I feel so much better, and it lasts for a few days. If psychedelics want to show me what's possible, wouldn't they just bring me to positive emotional states in the trip that show me how I could feel? What's the point of doing all of that purging if it's apparently not actually real purging? To me, it doesn't make sense that psychedelics couldn't heal you, even in a short amount of time, and it doesn't make sense that the purpose of them is to show you what's possible, considering the purging and apparent healing that happens. . I feel like the most important thing for me to do to be able to heal at this point is to figure out why my healing doesn't stick. I think there must be a part of me that is resisting and preventing it, so I think what I need is parts work or potentially IFS. I also want to get back in touch with the staff at the ayahuasca retreat I went to, to see if they have any advice. The fact that I spent 5 weeks there and spent as much money as I did, only for my mental health issues to still be as bad as they were before, that doesn't seem right, and I wonder if they would let me come back without charging me.

Thank you

I wouldn't say that I hate myself. I don't love myself, but I generally like myself as a person, and self-hatred isn't something I've ever really struggled with. I hate being alive in this human life, because the suffering is so immense and it doesn't end. If you're saying that this human life/reality is God and so in that sense I hate myself/God, then okay, but when I say I want to become one with God, I mean I want to stop existing as a finite self, I want to leave this world/this dream of life, I want to become one with the Godhead, and not suffer anymore. I'm suffering because I have/am an ego and I exist as a finite self, and suffering is created by trying to maintain that sense of self, and I want to die so I don't have to suffer from that anymore. Up to this point I've used psychedelics with the intent of healing and purging my blocked emotional pain, which I've done, although the healing doesn't last. Me saying that I'm considering using psychedelics to try and have a massive awakening and ego-death, that was only an idea. I'm not necessarily going to do that, and I certainly haven't been trying to do that with my psychedelic use up to this point. Frankly I'm terrified of ego-death, I just had the idea that maybe it would help me and be worth going for. That's the crux of your issue right there. You want all of this happening. On YOUR terms. Which is exactly what you're getting and why you're suffering. Nothing you try will work because you're clinging fiercely and only using everything to resist further. The more you act on that intent, the more you suffer. But you can stop. I kind of understand what you're saying, and I kind of agree with it based on what I think I'm understanding, but I'd appreciate if you could explain what you mean further. I've thought about that, but it's hard to care at this point. I realize it's stupid if i'm just going to end up reincarnating back into a similar situation. I don't know 100% if that would actually happen, but even if it did, the pain gets so bad at times that I still want to end things, and not just not think about the repercussions of it. I know how stupid that is, but when the pain gets so unbearable, I don't care about anything but getting immediate relief I think the reason I resist all of my suffering so strongly is because of how long I've been going through it. It's been 7 long years. Earlier on I would try to be with my emotions, feel through them, surrender to them, and not fight so much, but over time, the pain worsens, it becomes unbearable, and the suffering takes such a toll on me that I end up in this situation where all I do is resist and fight everything that's happening, because I can't take it anymore. It breaks me and destroys me and turns me into this giant mess that is frantically trying to get out of this hell that I'm in. Thank you for your response. I think what you said was insightful and is helpful for me to think about, and hopefully you can clarify those things I asked about.