Tristan12

22kg under the tongue 😎

I don't know, I bought 500mg of 5-MeO-MALT and I emptied it into a glass vial, it seems fine.

Leo says it’s best to keep 5-Meos in a glass vial since they can leech through plastic over time

I'm in an extremely difficult life situation and I'd really like some advice on what to do. There is so much I could explain, but I'm going to try to keep this relatively short and just get to the point. So I've been suffering from extreme mental health issues for the past 7 years. It has been absolutely unbearable, and the suffering gets deeper and deeper as time goes on. I've spent the last 5 years trying to heal myself by making my own trauma healing technique, but I never succeeded with it. I finally decided to stop working on it, because I was going to end up killing myself, so I decided to go do ayahuasca. I spent 5 weeks around October this year doing ayahuasca. It ended up helping me tremendously and I felt totally transformed. Once I left the retreat, a few days later I lost almost all of my results, and they haven't returned since (it's been a month now). A week ago I had a really amazing mescaline trip that I felt I got a lot of good healing from, but then two days later the results were gone. I've gone through so much suffering and spent so much time trying to heal myself, almost 5 years, then I finally decided to throw in the towel and do psychedelics, just to stay alive, and now even after 5 weeks of ayahuasca I'm still in the same situation I was in before. I could write paragraph after paragraph explaining this, but you have NO IDEA how exhausted I am and how much I hate being alive. The fact that after all this time and effort, I still can't heal, I am so done, and I want more than anything than to be dead and put out of my misery. As a side note, over the years, as I've suffered more and more, I have developed a really deep connection to existential love. I can feel it and access it very easily, and I've come to realize that developing that connection has been the point of everything I've been going through, and that's helped me to hang in there. But it's gotten to the point where I don't care about that more and I just need this pain to stop, and I want to die. I hate being alive with a passion. I've been thinking though, considering that I haven't been able to heal even with psychedelics, and thinking about this connection to existential love i've been developing over the years, I wonder if the way this chapter of my life is supposed to end is for me to have some kind of massive awakening, to merge with existential love. I feel like if I could stay in my physical body, but be totally dead inside, I would be happy, and I wouldn't suffer anymore. Because of this, I have been thinking, maybe if I take a large amount of 5-MeO-MALT or 5-MeO-DMT and have complete ego death, maybe that would help me. I don't really expect that a state like that would stick, but maybe it would heal me in some way? Either way, if I was to do something like that, I know it would not be easy and it would totally terrify me and traumatize me. My ego is so sensitive and fearful that there is no way it would let go without putting up a fight, despite how much I hate being alive. I really don't know what to do in this situation, so I'd appreciate general advice, but I'd also like advice on the psychedelic thing, on if people think going for ego-death would be helpful to me, even if I have to go through a terror trip to get there. I want nothing more than to die and become one with God/existential love. I fucking hate this stupid human life. That's why I think an experience of ego-death/God realization could really help me, but I'd have to be sure it's what I really want, because I'm sure I'll have to go through a terror trip to get there. @RendHeaven going to tag you here because you suggested a large dose of malt to me before, and it kind of got me thinking, so I'd appreciate your advice as well

Thank you for your responses guys. I read through them all and they were helpful.

That's true. The challenge for me is that it's hard to enforce my opinions when I haven't spent hours deeply contemplating and deconstructing them, making sure I'm very very certain of everything I'm saying. Even if I did, I can't do that with every single opinion I have. Previously I would almost discard my own opinion for the sake of considering another person's opinion. I would still believe my own opinion for myself, but I wouldn't really enforce it, I would put it aside and fully try to consider and take on the perspective of the other person to see how I felt about it. I think putting my own opinion aside so strongly is what's hurting me. I think I should still stick with my own perspective, but be willing to discuss other potential perspectives, and only change my opinion and fully discard my own perspective once I see that another perspective is actually superior.

@Sincerity @QandC Are you guys not going to say anything else? You guys gave me tough love and said some harsh things, which I’m open to, but then I gave a rebuttal, and you had nothing else to say. Is that it?

So when you realize you never know anything 100%, you try to make sense of things to the best of your ability, but you are always open to other ideas and perspectives, and you never cling to one perspective too tightly, because you realize you can never know anything for sure? Also, reality is so big and complex that one single, narrow perspective would never be the whole truth of something

I think I understand what you’re saying, you mean you should never stop looking for deception and illusion that could be getting in the way of truth, because ultimately you can’t know anything 100% and you will always end up reaching a state of not knowing? …I think? What do you do if you can’t ever know anything? In that quote from my previous post, talking about atheism and religious beliefs, how could you even make a decision about what to believe in? How can you recognize errors in your epistemic process if you can’t know anything for sure at all? Maybe watching the video Leo linked would explain it

@Leo Gura Thank you

@Leo Gura Can you or someone else here explain what epistemology means? I have a rough idea of what it means but I don't understand it as well as I'd like to. My current understanding is that it refers to how you know something is true, how you can prove the validity of something. I have this section in the note I took on your video "the psychology of being wrong". You used this word, and I don't know if I fully understand what you're saying. "Ask yourself “how did I fall into this self-deception?” because most likely, that’s what you’re dealing with here. Think about what the epistemic gaps in your sense-making are that led to you getting this wrong. This is important because if you don’t do this, you will likely fall into a similar trap again. For example, if you were an atheist, it’s not enough to realize that atheism is wrong, you have to inspect the epistemic assumptions that led you there, because otherwise, you will fall into a similar trap, like religion or new age spirituality. You’re not going to see the problem with that because you’re not examining the structure. This is what it means to examine your self-deception, and this is how you will come to really understand self-deception. There’s a big difference between understanding self-deception as a concept, and seeing where you’re self-deceived." In regard to the quote above, does investigating your epistemic assumptions mean investigating how you decided your religious beliefs, what logic and rationalizations led to you deciding to become an atheist? Then questioning if those reasonings are really valid or not? Reading this is what made me think to ask about the word epistemology. When you say "epistemically grounded", does that basically mean it was thought through and contemplated effectively, it is based in truth and isn't clouded in self-deception, bias, etc?

I currently use 5-Meo-DMT or DMT around 3 times a week, but I only use small doses and I’m not going to be doing this long term. I’m only doing this right now for emotional healing purposes. I can imagine that if my doses were higher and my trips were deeper, I would get pretty ungrounded tripping multiple times per week. I think tripping once a week is fine, but as the guy above said, listen to your body and do what feels right for you

I can imagine that being absolutely hilarious while on a psychedelic😂 One time when I was doing ayahuasca, after the ceremony ended and I was riding out the effects, I was watching this video from 3:15 - 4:06 I laughed so hard for almost 5 minutes straight. It has to be one of the hardest laughs I’ve ever had in my life that video already makes me laugh a lot sober, but on a psychedelic it was the most bizarre and funny thing I’d ever seen

I live in Canada and it’s very easy to get your hands on psychedelics here legally. If you have the money you could move here for maybe 3-6 months, get whatever psychedelics you’re interested in, dedicate your time in Canada to doing the work you want to do with them, and then you’d be able to go home with many trips under your belt

What country do you live in?

If you close your eyes from 4:50 - 5:20 it sounds like a cartoon dog getting it's nails cut

I've heard the name, but I don't know him

I use 5-MeO-DMT only in small doses, for emotional healing purposes. I'm not ready to dive into ego-death or other deep spiritual experiences yet. My ego is too sensitive and fearful for that right now, and I've seen a few times when I've taken doses that have pushed my limits for what I can handle, I get very fearful and resistant and I can tell there is no way I'd be able to get myself to surrender, so I stick with small doses for now. Last night I took a small dose (one hit of a vape), and my intention was to receive deep love to help me cry out and release a lot of the emotional pain I've been dealing with lately. I wanted to see that true love is possible, because I've noticed lately that deep down I really doubt that it is, but I need to be open to receiving love to be able to heal. So I wanted to see that real love is possible. I started to feel into a lot of the pain I've been dealing with lately, and crying it out. It soon started to feel like I was communicating with something, like I was crying out my pain to this higher power. I wasn't fully conscious of God, but I think I was experiencing a very mild and introductory version of it, like I was starting to become conscious of God. I felt like I was crying to God, showing God my pain. I started thinking to myself, it's really beautiful that I'm able to have this interaction with God, without having to go through an ego-death that I'm not ready for. It felt like the intelligence of the substance made that happen for me, so that I could have this beautiful experience in a way that I could handle. As I had that thought, I suddenly realized, it's not the intelligence of the substance doing it, it's me (as God) doing it to myself! I as God am giving myself this experience fully catered towards me, so that I can start to awaken. As I realized that, Leo's words "God is gently pushing you to awaken" (or something like that) I think from his video "the ultimate structure of reality explained", came to mind, and it felt like that's exactly what was happening. I felt like I as a human have always been at the centre of a ball of yarn, tangled in all these strings of illusion and deception, and I felt like I had started to claw my way out of it and stick my head up out of the ball of yarn, and I could see that this whole time I was God stuck in all these illusions, and I was waking up to myself and what I am. Watching the transition happen from me being identified with my human self, and gradually starting to dis-identify with him and awaken to myself as this higher power/God, and looking back at my human self and seeing that all he is is an illusion that God is stuck in, until I, as God, wake up to myself, that was absolutely incredible to watch. From that point of view, I felt like I was watching my human self (Tristan) like he was my child, and I wasn't identified with him in that moment. I started to think about painful things that have happened throughout my life, and it was so clear that none of it was actually real, and I've been imagining all of it. I looked outside, at the trees and the sky, and it was also so clear that it was all my imagination. There's more that happened in this trip, some emotional healing related things, and also some other spiritual experiences, but this was the most significant part, and I wanted to share it on the forum. 5-MeO-DMT is such an incredible substance, I've noticed multiple times now the intelligence of it, and how it seems to recognize what you need and cater your experience towards that. I think it was so cool that I was able to have a partial, introductory God-Realization that didn't require me to go through an ego death that I'm not ready for.

Not quite😅 Been really struggling this past weekend. But the realization I shared with you has definitely helped, and it's definitely something I need to keep in mind and remember. Thanks for the advice!

Thank you for the advice, I'll keep that in mind. I really appreciate the last thing you said. I've really been struggling over the past few days with deep suicidal thoughts again. I've really been trying to push myself to actually end things, because I keep wanting to do it but I never take action, and I'm so tired of it. I really tried to convince myself, but I've always had this deep intuition that I have to keep going with life, things will work out, and I have too much potential to throw everything away. This intuition is so strong that I just can't get around it no matter what I do. I really hate it because it keeps me alive and stuck in my suffering. I realized yesterday though, that maybe I should stop living my life for myself and my own enjoyment, and instead live only for my potential, for the person I could become, and the impact I could have on the world one day. That way I don’t have any expectations to be happy, to not be in pain. I only live for the sake of developing myself and getting to the point where I can share my gifts with the world. That’s the only reason I stay alive, because if it was up to me, I’d be dead. This makes things a lot easier to deal with, because I don’t expect myself to be happy, or to not suffer, and I don’t take it so seriously or personally when things cause me pain, because I don’t live this life for myself or my own enjoyment. Living this way doesn't mean I make myself suffer on purpose - I still try to practice self-love, be kind to myself, and don't put myself through more suffering than I need to, but the point is that I continue to live this life for the sake of actualizing my potential, not because I actually want to be alive and live this life. I've already noticed that I feel way better living this way. It makes me so much less resistant to my pain, which both helps me to face it and figure out how to heal it, and it allows me to actually start to enjoy life, because I'm more able to accept everything that's happening. I think my life needs to be lived this way. It's way too painful to live my life just for my own self, but if I know that my reason for living is for something bigger than myself, then the pain doesn't affect me so much and it becomes more bearable. It also allows me to not have to act like I like living or like I want to be alive, and being able to be honest about those feelings makes them easier to deal with. I appreciate your last paragraph because it reminds me that I do have potential, and that it will be worth it for me to keep living because eventually I can turn my life into something amazing. Thank you

@Leo Gura @Davino @RendHeaven @OBEler Thanks guys! I did 5-MeO-DMT again earlier today, and I had a similar trip, but even deeper, and it was absolutely incredible. Here's a report: I took one single inhale (deeper than usual), and I noticed the substance felt different than it ever has before. Right away, within about 30 seconds, I popped out of my human life, and I felt like I could see myself with a paintbrush, designing my life exactly as it is right now. Everything I've been going through, it's all happening intentionally, and I'm the one creating it. I felt like I was sitting outside of my life as a human, and I was with God/The Universe. I was looking at things in my life that cause me massive amounts of pain that I am constantly suffering from. I felt like I was holding it in my hands, and it was all so heavy, and then it became crystal clear that all of this pain is just something I'm imagining. I felt like I was leaving my human life more, and merging with God, and as that happened, I could feel all of this pain getting ripped out of me. It felt like the pain was just some clothing I was wearing, a dream I was in, but beneath all of that, the real me - God, is completely unscathed, as if I was never hurt to begin with. It felt like these "clothes" I was wearing were starting to come off, like I didn't have to be burdened by all this pain anymore, and I was returning to the perfect, pristine state that I originally came from. There was this very strong feeling of the universe "reclaiming what belongs to it" (reclaiming me). I could see that I belong to the universe, I am the universe, and so there is no way that I would be left permanently broken or damaged. I will always be able to go back to being completely healed, because I'm not just some tiny individual human, I am the universe itself, and the universe is too big and powerful to get destroyed or hurt by some occurrences in a human life. I saw that I never had to doubt for a second that the pain I've been through in my life would make life not worth living, or the universe not worth existing in. I saw that all of this suffering can be gone in an instant, and I can be in pristine, perfect condition as if I was never hurt to begin with. I saw that this place I was in now, being with God, this is what I REALLY want, more than anything, no matter how much I may think I want anything in human life. I was thinking again about how amazing the intelligence of this substance is, how it created a deep spiritual experience for me in a way that I could handle and wasn't too overwhelming, but then I realized again, it's not the substance doing it, it's me as God doing it to myself. It was hard for me to believe it, and I wanted to give the substance credit for the experience, but then it was like no, it's really not the substance at all, it's YOU! You as God are creating this experience for yourself! I started to think about telling other people in my life about this experience, including people on this forum, but then I realized: every person in my life, this whole forum, and Leo, it's all ME! I am all of it! From that perspective, I saw that there was no reason for me to tell anyone on this forum about this experience, or to engage with the forum at all, because the entire thing is just me. There is ONLY ME. I might as well just sit alone and enjoy this experience myself. One of the things that sticks out most to me about this trip is just how deeply I realized that everything was ME. As I came out of my human life, as I saw myself as God, as I saw that people and the physical world are imaginary, I saw at deeper and deeper levels that everything is just me. The entire universe is my dream, my own self, and that is absolutely, 100% the case. I remember sitting upright on my bed, I opened my eyes and was looking at my body, and it was so clear that I was God sitting in a human body. I kept saying to myself "I'm not Tristan, I am God. I'm not Tristan, I am God". Throughout this entire experience, I was completely astounded. So many times I was like "OH MY GOD!! HOLY FUCK!". Just absolutely in love with this substance and the experience it's giving me, but at the same time remembering that I'm doing this to myself. I felt so safe and loved throughout this whole experience. There was a lot of crying and emotional release. It got to the point where it felt like the universe was wanting me to go deeper into it, wanting me to fully exit out of human life and go to "the other side" (which I would assume is referring to ego death). I really felt like it would be safe to do so, I really trusted the universe, and I feel like even with how fearful and fragile my ego is, I could probably make it through ego death without freaking out. I was taking more hits of the vape, bit by bit, but it was never enough to push me all the way, and I was too afraid too push myself too far, in case it went bad. But it really feels like with these recent trips, I am being eased closer to ego death in a way that I can handle, so maybe I'll end up reaching that point sooner than I thought.

Yeah for sure. I had a mescaline trip not long ago where I started using a foam roller on my legs during the trip, and a lot of emotions came up and got purged through doing that. I store a lot of shame in my upper inner thighs, I would start crying so hard any time I would massage that area. I think doing body work on psychedelics (and in general) can be really powerful

When taking 5-MeO-DMT or something similar, is it safe or okay to take another dose as you are starting to come down? I am very cautious with the dosage I take, as to not overdo it, so the other day when I was doing 5-MeO-DMT, I waited about 10 minutes before deciding to take another hit, but at that point I was already part way through the trip. Also, when I was farther into the trip and it was close to ending, I really liked where I was at and what I was working on, so I wanted the trip to continue, so I took another hit, but I didn't know if it was a good idea. Is it okay to take more doses in the middle or near the end of short-lasting trips like 5-MeO-DMT, to make it go on longer?

Only kriya yoga

I went to one of the highest rated ayahuasca centres out there. They were great. Their shamans were Shipibo, the centre was in the Amazon in Peru. https://www.arkanainternational.com/ I was there for 5 weeks. I did 16 ayahuasca ceremonies, 6 Bufo ceremonies, and a plant diet for one week. I had a lot of issues connecting with the medicine at first. I tried to control the trips too much, I would think too much, it was hard for me to surrender. Things only started to work for me in my last week there, and I had a series of ceremonies with massive amounts of purging. I have an idea of why the healing might not have stuck for me. I think it has to do with parts of me resisting other parts, and not allowing the emotions to integrate. It's surprising because I thought ayahuasca would have been intelligent enough to notice that and resolve that, but maybe I was still controlling too much and still had issues connecting with the medicine. Over the past week I've been using my prior psychology knowledge + working with psychedelics to try and get an understanding of why my healing didn't stick, and I feel like I'm starting to get somewhere with it. So I'm hoping I'll be able to heal myself. Even though the healing didn't stick with ayahuasca, I worked with it for so long that surely it must have healed me in some ways. Maybe there was healing done at a much deeper level that I'm not aware of, and I need to take care of my main emotional issues with the work I'm doing now. I don't think me losing my results has anything to do with negative thoughts. When I left the retreat, a lot of my emotional issues were gone, but a few days later they started to come back, and I didn't change anything about how I was thinking or the kinds of thoughts I was having.