Tristan12

I receive a lot of direction and guidance from my higher self. I don't know what the most accurate term would be for it, if it's God or not, I just call it my higher self. I realize that ultimately this is my own self, but the way I interact with it is a duality and so I still treat it as being separate from me, and I don't see any problem with that because all that matters is that I receive its guidance. I really don't care at this point. I am so done with life that all I want to do is kill myself. If I do something that fucks me up and ruins me, I could care less. From what I wrote in my original post in this thread, I realized that I have the opportunity to surrender my human self, and let my higher self take over and direct my life. That way I can stay alive without my human self/ego having to be here and direct things. My only intention at this point is to follow my heart, follow my intuition, surrender myself to my higher self as much as possible. It will be in control of my life, the decisions it makes and where my life goes are up to it. If it ends up being a huge mistake, if I end up hurting myself and killing myself, I am perfectly fine with that outcome because I have no desire to be here anyways. I truly believe that what I'm doing is right for me. I appreciate your response and you trying to help, but I'm going to follow my intuition, and nothing else.

I'm sure it is, but it's hard to stop those thoughts. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me from trauma, so I naturally think in fearful ways, and I need reassurance to help me trust that it will be safe to surrender, which is why I think taking baby steps and gradually surrendering more and more is my best option.

My experiences with 5-MeO-DMT so far have been intimately tied together with this higher self or higher intelligence that has been guiding and directing my life. When I use 5-MeO-DMT it often feels like my higher self is using it to communicate with me and guide me. So that makes me trust that I will be okay to surrender completely on it, and that nothing catastrophic will happen, for the same reason that I haven't been able to kill myself. Maybe in the future what you're saying could happen, but I trust that at this point in my life I'll be okay

@Yimpa What do you mean? What's going on?

@Breakingthewall I'm just saying, I believe I have good reason to trust the guidance of the universe at this point and trust that I will be okay, considering everything that has been going on in my life. That's sort of what I've been saying throughout this whole thread

Lol. I guess I say that in regard to my specific life path. I feel like total surrender is a necessary step for my healing and spiritual development, so if I work towards that and achieve that, the universe isn't going to give me an experience that fucks up my life a whole lot more, in the same way that it won't let me kill myself and throw everything away.

That's sort of the answer I came up with myself. I feel like there is no guarantee that I won't have a bad experience, but I think it's about trusting that the universe has my best interest in mind, and that whatever happens as a result of surrendering and merging with infinite consciousness will be for the best, and I will be okay in the end. You surrender to allow whatever needs to happen to happen. There is no point resisting that. I have been moving in baby steps like you suggest and it works well for me. I think it's very much about building up trust that I will be okay, because I have so much fear and resistance within me and it makes it so hard to let go of control. Something I saw in my 5meo trip the other day is that I live my life thinking that me being a human is what's real, and that doing 5meo and reaching a high consciousness state is just a temporary state, but in reality, the opposite is true. The high consciousness states you reach on 5meo is what's true and real, and seeing myself as a human in my day to day life is an illusion. Because of that, seeing myself as this human that is so afraid of everything is something I'm imagining. When I leave human life on 5meo, and I see that my true self does not have any fear, I need to see that this is my true state. I am God imagining myself as this terrified human. All of this fear and resistance I hold is an illusion that I as God am stuck in, and when I realize that, I see that in reality I am safe and I don't have to be afraid, and so I can totally surrender and release all of this fear I hold. I didn't get to that point, but I could see the potential for it happening. It was uncomfortable, because I was trying to surrender and go deeper, but at the same time I was afraid of letting go completely. What if I start screaming and running around? What if I embarrass myself or get in trouble? I can't control myself if I let go completely. But it was like it was calling me saying "Tristan... Tristan... wake up" I could start to see that I am something so much bigger than my human self, and for me to fully leave my human self and embody what I really am is such a strange and unfamiliar feeling, especially when my human self is always so afraid and wants to always stay with what is comfortable and familiar. It wasn't a scary experience, I was just wrestling with myself, squirming around, trying to be okay with letting go. But I made progress through doing that, and I could probably go deeper next time. Baby steps like you said

Yeah I'm not asking about this for anything related to suicide. It's for progressing my spiritual development, and healing. If I totally surrender (on 5-MeO-DMT for example) and reach ego death, is there any possibility that I could reach some deeply painful state that I could not get out of? You said that you would reach infinite love, but is there a possibility of going anywhere else? I'd imagine there are plenty of experiences that can be had beyond ego death. What about insanity for example? I've heard people talk about experiencing that on psychedelics and it's terrifying. If I totally surrender, could I fall into that and not be able to get myself out? I have also heard that on the other side of ego death, there is no fear, because you're dead, so maybe there would be nothing to worry about.

Thanks for the advice, but it doesn't really give me assurance that I would be okay on the other side of full surrender. I think it can be a good strategy to deal with negative thought spirals though

@Leo Gura @Inliytened1 Can you or anyone else help me out with this? I am working on getting better at surrendering because I can tell it is something I need to learn how to do at this point. When I did 5-MeO-DMT the other day, I was trying to surrender deeper, and I was getting better at it, but the main fear that I have is that if I totally let go of control, 100%, and merge with the universe, then I could end up in some painful hell realm, and not have any control to be able to get myself out of it. What would you say in response to this? I want to hear from someone who has gone through ego death and been on the other side of full surrender, to know if I really have anything to worry about by letting go completely.

I have been going through this hell for almost 8 years, and I haven't been seriously suicidal until the last 2 years or so. So I have fought hard to change my situation for years. But eventually, as time passes, the suffering gets deeper, nothing you do works to change your situation, you naturally become suicidal, because that feels like the only way out. It doesn't matter, I don't want to talk about it. You're entitled to your own opinion. I'm just saying it's not helpful to me, but thanks for trying

Thank you, I appreciate it

This is not tough love, this is ignorance and delusion. You're lucky I'm used to people saying these kinds of things to me and it doesn't bother me anymore, because a comment like this could easily push a suicidal person over the edge.

It's interesting you say that, because I've noticed in moments when I've come really close to killing myself, when I'm actually about to take action and do it, I don't really want to. In that moment I can see that all of this talk of wanting to kill myself is just mental chatter and a mind game. I am obsessed with the idea of killing myself because it feels like the only way I can have control over the amount of pain I'm in, and the only way I can get relief, but when I actually am about to do it, I don't really want to end my life. My suicidal thoughts are just a coping strategy. All of this suicidal ideation is just the ego panicking and freaking out, but beneath the ego, my being does not have a problem with life and is totally on board with it. When I start to really consider killing myself, the way I feel is that it's so obvious that everything I'm going through is happening for a reason, I am on a journey towards truth and love, and so of course I need to keep going and there is no way I could kill myself. I also feel like there is still so much more I could do to resolve my situation, and I wouldn't really have a reason to kill myself unless I was utterly trapped in my suffering with no possible way out. I also have so much potential for what I could do with my life. I can't throw all of that away. My mind starts pointing out all of that to me when I get close to killing myself. I try not to think about those things and shut out those thoughts, but it just doesn't work. My intuition that this is all happening for a reason and I need to keep going is so strong and overbearing that I physically cannot get past it. I remember I had this moment I think about 6 weeks ago, I was driving, listening to music, and I entered this altered state of consciousness where I lost touch with my human self, and I felt like I was embodying existential love. From this perspective, it felt like my passion and love for life was at an all time high. The suffering I go through makes no difference to this part of me, if anything it just makes it fall deeper in love. No matter how much I get the shit kicked out of me by life, this part of me is deeply, endlessly, passionately in love. The love and passion just courses through my veins, and I am happy as ever. It's clear that all of this suffering I've been through is just my ego getting killed off so that my higher self can come through me. Of course I will kick and scream and talk about how much I hate life and how much I want to kill myself, but in reality, I am at no risk of harming myself, because deep down, my heart is madly, truly, endlessly in love, and I am not going anywhere. From what I said in the original post in this thread, I really feel like I am getting close to the point where all of this hell will finally be over, and my human self will fall away. So I think I am almost done. I need to follow my heart, follow my intuition, follow what my connection to existential love tells me to do. That is the only thing that matters. There is no need for therapy, no need for SSRIs, no need to play it safe or choose the sensible option. Following my heart is the only thing that matters, and that is the only thing I will do.

Thank you. Yeah it is annoying, but I've been dealing with it for years so I am used to it at this point. I haven't been through any overt abuse in my life, and the traumas that I've been through don't seem like they would be that difficult, so it's always been very difficult to get people to understand how much pain I'm in. My pain is still as deep and real as I say it is whether people believe it or not. I walk this path alone, and my connection to existential love/my higher self makes me feel that there is something that truly knows and understands me, and so it doesn't matter if other people understand or care about my situation or not. When I connect with existential love, I am met with more compassion and understanding than any human could ever give me. I appreciate when people can be understanding and empathetic towards me as well, but it's not a big deal if they're not.

You clearly don't understand just how severe mental health issues can get. My condition is really deep and complex, it's hard to explain and understand. Ultimately everything was caused by trauma, and it has deepened and worsened a lot over the years.

You're right, I don't know, it's just a guess, but I am still confident in that guess. The only reason I'm alive is because I'm unable to kill myself. I constantly wish I was dead and I would have killed myself a long time ago if I was able to. Starving people in Africa continue to live their lives, reproduce and have families and everything. Of course like you said I know nothing about their situation and so I am just speculating, but if all of those people where in so much pain that they were as suicidal as I am, wouldn't they all have killed themselves by now? The pain has been bad for them, but not bad enough to push out every single little desire for life and survival, the way it has for me. The fact that starving people in Africa, people in war torn countries, people who have lost limbs, the fact that they don't all kill themselves any chance they get makes me feel like they haven't suffered as deeply as I have. As I said, I'm not depressed, so I'm not suicidal just from an innate sense of hopelessness and meaninglessness. I'm a strong person, I'm very passionate about life, I've wanted to be alive and do something great with my life, but I have been crushed and destroyed sheerly from extreme levels of suffering for such a long amount of time. How could all these people have endured more suffering than me and still go on to live their lives? So people on this forum shouldn't compare other people's suffering to mine, saying other people have it worse than me, because they haven't lived my life and they don't know what I've experienced

Dude, with all due respect, you know nothing about my situation. First of all, I don't have depression, and second of all, you have no idea how deep the pain I've been through is. You don't know what that pain does to a person. I could care less about being a loser, about being a coward, about disappointing and hurting people from my death, even about doing what is morally right. The pain gets so bad and so deep, goes on for so long and is so endless, that I get into situations where I would do whatever I possibly can to end my life and escape it, no matter the consequences. I certainly don't care about being a loser just because I killed myself. lol. I have developed such a deep, seething hatred for human life. It's like my body shakes in anger and disgust at this life. That's great if you can manage to be happy in a difficult situation, but I can't do that, and it's abusive to myself to expect myself to do that. I would go insane trying to make myself be happy while going through what I am. I’ve always been super passionate about life and wanted to make something amazing out of it, I’m strong and willing to take on challenge and difficulty, it takes A LOT to make me want to kill myself and give up on life, and yet I have been ground to a pulp and gotten to a point where I am on my knees begging for mercy, begging for this life to be over. I firmly believe that if all of my mental health issues were gone and I became a starving child in Africa, or was placed in a war-torn country, or was in a hospital with missing limbs or burn injuries, I really believe I would be suffering less than I am now. You can’t tell me that plenty of people have it worse than me and would want to trade places with me. Who would trade places with someone who wants to be dead more than anything? Someone who is desperately clawing at the walls of life, begging it to stop, begging for it to be over, balling their eyes out, begging for the pain to end. This has been going on for almost 8 years now. The only reason I am alive is because I am physically unable to kill myself, certainly not because I want to be alive. You'd be an idiot to think your life would be better trading places with someone like that, and telling me to cheer up and be happy because plenty of people have it worse than me is both incorrect, and only makes me feel worse. So no, people in hospitals with missing limbs and burn injuries would not give everything to be in my position. I'm sure you meant well with your response, but I completely disagree with what you said in regard to my personal situation.

I said in the original post that I only used MDMA because I was going to kill myself that day and I was doing it just to enjoy myself. I was intentionally not being careful with it

Hahaha don't worry I'm not going to do salvia lol

I don't have depression. My suicidal tendencies are akin to a person being physically tortured and desperately wishing to be dead to escape the pain. That doesn't mean they have depression. Depressed people feel sadness, meaninglessness, they are bed ridden, they have no motivation to work towards anything or move their lives forwards. That is not me at all. I work my ass off to resolve my situation, I am highly motivated and passionate, it's just that the pain is so deep and has gone on for so long, and no matter how hard I try I haven't been able to heal myself and resolve my situation. The pain is excruciating and it destroys me, it makes me hate life so much and want to be dead more than anything. But in moments when my pain lightens up, my passion and motivation comes back. But also, I spent all my money doing ayahuasca. I definitely don't have any money to do ketamine therapy

You don't see just how much involvement there is in my life from my higher self (I don't really know what to call it, that term feels appropriate). There is such an intelligence that is guiding and directing my life, it has been this way for years but its involvement gets more and more obvious and clear over time. I can feel its presence through the insane amount of synchronicities that happen in my life, and how no matter how hard I try to kill myself, I never end up doing it and I continue on this path. My connection to existential love continues to get deeper, I continue to get closer to awakening. Everything that happens is so deeply meant to be. About a month ago I could sense the presence of this higher self so much, that I took 5-MeO-DMT with the intention of trying to see it and understand it more. On the trip I left human life, I saw life as a dream, and I came face to face with my higher self. I could feel the presence of it right there in front of me. I was sitting on my bed holding my arms out saying "I love you!" trying to hug it. It was so beautiful and made me so happy, because I could feel that it loves me and it is taking care of me, and it is directing my life. I remember asking it if it could please tone down the suffering because this is way too much. Its response was (through feeling, not words) "no, sorry. You need to go through whatever you need to go through to get where you're meant to be, and nothing will get in the way of that". I remember when I spoke with you a year ago and told you about the connection with existential love I have developed, you didn't take it seriously, and you thought that I was intentionally putting myself through suffering like those old christian mystics with those painful vests they would wear. This is not like that at all. All of the suffering I have endured in my life is deeply meant to be, it is my path to awakening, and the longer I stay on this path the clearer this becomes. If I was actually going to kill myself, it would have happened a long time ago. This higher self will not let me die, no matter how hard I try. I am close to a huge breakthrough, to a huge awakening into existential love. There have been so many signs lately that show this, and what I wrote in my original post about what I experienced on MDMA the other day shows what I need to do to get there. I am at no risk of harming myself, I'm not going to seek a therapist or external help. I will read through the responses in this thread and consider any advice, but ultimately I know what is right for myself, I trust my intuition and the path that I am on, and I know it will work out. I feel like through writing out this response to convince you that I will be fine, I am also convincing myself that I will be fine, and I am convincing myself to fully trust in the universe, fully surrender to its guidance. I need to let go of any external advice, any logical thoughts of what I need to do in my life, and listen to my heart, and nothing else. As long as I do that, I will be perfectly fine. "The word courage is very interesting. It comes from a Latin root cor, which means ‘heart’. So to be courageous means to live with the heart. And weaklings, only weaklings, live with the head; afraid, they create a security of logic around themselves. Fearful, they close every window and door – with theology, concepts, words, theories – and inside those closed doors and windows, they hide. The way of the heart is the way of courage. It is to live in insecurity; it is to live in love, and trust; it is to move in the unknown. It is leaving the past and allowing the future to be. Courage is to move on dangerous paths. Life is dangerous, and only cowards can avoid the danger – but then, they are already dead. A person who is alive, really alive, vitally alive, will always move into the unknown. There is danger there, but he will take the risk. The heart is always ready to take the risk, the heart is a gambler. The head is a businessman. The head always calculates – it is cunning. The heart is non-calculating.” - Osho

This reminds me of this thread I made on April 22 2022. "A few months ago I had this awakening where I discovered this deeper part of myself within me. It was really clear that it was me because of how it felt, but it wasn't my ego or me as Tristan. When I saw this part of myself, it was like I as Tristan was looking at it and it was communicating with me in a way. I could also see that no other person really existed, and all of reality is just my own direct experience, and this life I had as a human and everything within it is just something I imagined. This part of me showed me that everything that I have been through in my life had led me to this point of awakening and realizing all of this, and it will continue to lead me deeper. It also showed me that all of the suffering I have been through in my life (as I have been through a ton) was never personal, it was never about me, it all happened just for the sake of leading me to awakening. Then this part of me showed me that it loved me, very much. It was really beautiful."

@Grateful Dead I agree, thank you

@Loving Radiance That's really helpful, thank you