Tristan12

Did he come from space?

At the same time the horror of life shows the depth of the love of reality - it proves how love just gets deeper and deeper forever, without end, to the point where it can create such horrific things, and still love anyways. The love gets so deep that it could never seem rational or sensible, which is why love turns into a form of insanity and madness once it gets deep enough. Not in a pathological way, but in the sense that Love gets so drunk on itself that there is no longer any point in being careful or sensible. It is so deep in its own ecstasy that it realizes there is no point in stopping the love at torture, rape, genocide etc. because why not love all of that as well? Why should those things be the bottleneck to love? From that perspective, the horrors of life make no difference as to whether love would be real or not. They just prove the truth of it even more. And if Life drags people through lifetime after lifetime of hell and suffering, for the purpose of eventually reaching Infinite Love, it's still totally worth it in the end, because it's Love. I say all of that not from any concrete contemplations or awakenings, just an intuition. It still feels right though

I agree

This trip goes along with my previous posts about my progression towards fana (basically the sufi version of enlightenment). Every psychedelic I have done in the last month has very clearly been the universe working on me to help me reach fana, rather than being a normal psychedelic trip. This trip was one of my best trips ever, and I feel like I am very close to reaching fana. To preface this trip report, here is a realization I've had recently: I’ve always been so infatuated with really beautiful girls, and with sexuality as a whole. You would think that I wouldn't have much interest in that kind of thing now, since I have lost interest in most other similar human desires, but I realized recently that I love those things so much because I see God in them. To me, the most beautiful thing on the planet and the clearest expression of God’s endless beauty is a really beautiful woman. To me, sex with a really beautiful woman symbolizes merging with God’s beauty, and unification with God. When I obsess over sex and beautiful women, it’s because I see God in them more than anything else. It is my personal doorway to God. Recently the universe/my intuition pointed all of this out to me, and showed me that I need to use it to help me reach God. Beautiful girls and sexuality make me feel safe, happy, at peace, ecstatic, it touches my heart and shows me God better than anything else. Because of that, focusing on those things is the perfect tool for me to help me surrender my life to God and reach fana. So I see physical beauty and sexuality differently than most people - to me it’s not just a shallow pleasure, it’s an expression of God, and to me it is an important spiritual tool. Here is my trip report: Last night I had the idea to take mescaline and go to a strip club. Intuitively it felt like the right thing to do, so I did it. I plugged 200mg of mescaline HCl, Ubered to a club I really like, and by the time I got there, the effects were fully on. I sat down and watched the stage, and I ended up doing that the whole night, only getting a dance at the end. It was a lot more entertaining watching the stage on mescaline. Usually I get bored of it and I’m just waiting for dances, but it was really amazing watching the strippers on the stage while high. They were beautiful and sexy and it really turned me on, and the feeling of the environment was great. I was just sat there in the same spot for hours, just taking in the energy of the place the whole time. I liked a lot of the music they played as well. It really added to the feeling of the place, and the beauty I could feel. The beautiful blonde girl on stage At one point there was this beautiful blonde girl on stage. She had her back leaned against the pole with her feet planted in front of her, and she moved her stomach up and down in waves, and it looked like a flag waving in the wind, and the whole thing fit perfectly with the song that was playing. The way she was moving her stomach like she was blowing in the wind gave her such an innocent and beautiful feel, along with the beautiful music that was playing, and the fact that it was a beautiful, sexy naked girl doing that in a strip club, it just made the beauty SO much stronger and deeper. The beauty of it sucked me in and it felt like it put me in a trans. For that moment I forgot that there was a real girl there, and as I got sucked into the experience, my own sense of self started to fade away, and it was like I was watching this beautiful scene occurring in the mind of God. It really felt like there was no self there - nobody on the stage, and nobody watching. It was just consciousness. It had such a deeply peaceful, innocent, beautiful, gentle feeling to it. I fell completely in love with it. I started to have such a deep desire to lose myself in it. It was like I wanted to place my life, my soul, my heart, into this moment, and let it dissolve into it and stay there in that heavenly moment forever. I am so sick of being a human, being in this life, having control, and being exhausted from this life I live. All I wanted was to completely surrender myself to this incredible beauty I was taking in and lose myself in it forever. This feeling started to get so deep that I felt like I wanted to regurgitate my heart out onto the floor, so my body and ego would fall away and die, and my heart could truly come alive. That way my heart could really be in love, it could merge and dissolve into everything beautiful I was experiencing around me, with nothing holding it back. This scene I was watching had no feeling of ‘self’ to it at all. The girl on stage did not feel like a real person. That sense of no self is what made the experience so deeply beautiful. I felt like if I merged with this experience, I would no longer have any sense of self, I’d have no thoughts, no sense of control, there would be no ‘doing’, just pure, innocent beauty. I wanted more than anything to lose myself and dissolve into that beauty. Watch this music video from 3:18 until the end. There are scenes of this blonde girl with her hair blowing in the wind. That was exactly the kind of beautiful, innocent feeling I experienced here, and with all sense of self fading away, it truly felt like an expression of God. Constantly wanting to lose myself in ecstasy This became a common theme throughout this whole trip - experiencing deeply beautiful and pleasurable things, and wanting so badly to lose myself and dissolve into them. It was like my heart was constantly looking for a moment of deep ecstasy to place itself into, so it could die to it and merge with it forever. This whole trip was deeply pleasurable. I have never had a psychedelic feel this ecstatic and pleasurable before, even though I have had sexual experiences like this on psychedelics in the past. I think it was the deep desire I had to lose myself that made it feel so good. I was constantly seeing God and deeply spiritual beauty and ecstasy in everything, and all I wanted to do was surrender to it and merge with it completely. The energy getting hype There was a time when the club got busier, the music got louder and more intense, the lights started flashing more aggressively, and the entire energy of the place got very intense. Usually something like this would make me uncomfortable, because it’s overstimulating, and I am quiet, shy, introverted, I was there alone, and on a psychedelic. Usually this would make me uncomfortable. But this time it didn’t at all. It felt like the more intense it got, the better it felt, because it was pulling me away from myself and I was merging into it. It felt amazing. There was a group of girls near the stage celebrating a birthday, and the stripper started shaking her ass in front of them really fast, and the girls were throwing money on her. They all looked so happy, the energy of the place felt so joyous and beautiful. I fell so deeply in love with it all, and I felt like I loved every person there. It was like this room I was in was the only thing that existed in reality, and it was nothing but fun, joy, happiness, love, beauty. Again, it gave me this feeling, “maybe I can place my soul and my life right here in this beautiful moment and keep it here forever?”. Every beautiful moment that happened this night made me want to dissolve myself into it, so that I could stay with that incredible beauty and pleasure forever, so it would never have to end. Talking to one of the waitresses Near the end, when the place was about to close, I wanted to get a lap dance with a specific girl, so I moved to a different spot and was waiting for her to pass by. One of the waitresses there was really pretty. I went up to her to ask what time they close, and I told her she was pretty. When I sat back down, I had the idea to ask for her number. I was unsure if that would be a good idea or not, because even though she’s a waitress, she works at a strip club, but I felt like I was actually so close to doing it, and I was so much less nervous than I usually am. It felt like because I was so surrendered to the universe’s guidance at that point, and I was just following how I felt, there was so much less resistance, fear and overthinking within me, and I felt like I could just go do what I wanted. Eventually I saw the girl I wanted a dance with, and after the dance I didn’t see the waitress so I just left, but it was amazing how little fear I had at that moment. Getting a lap dance I picked one of the hottest girls at the place and got a dance with her. We went in a private room and the dance started. We went for about 15 minutes. I had never met this girl before, and I didn’t tell her anything about what I liked, but she started doing all of my favourite things. She was grinding her ass on me, leaning back on me, putting her face right next to mine, moaning, touching my neck, moving her hands through my hair. She did a few different things in the beginning, but for the second half I got her to keep doing what I just described. It felt so good, her body was so nice, and it made it so much better that I was on mescaline. I could feel myself wanting to surrender and dissolve into the experience. As I got deeper and deeper into surrender, I could feel myself merging into the girl and becoming her. It was like steam was coming off my body, but instead of steam, it was my life, my soul, my essence leaving me and merging into this beautiful girl that was on top of me. The more deeply I left myself and became her, the better it felt, and that was the most enjoyable part of the whole dance. The fact that this girl did everything I liked so perfectly without me even telling her what I liked, it really felt like the universe was winking at me, like it created this experience for me on purpose, making it feel especially good so that I could surrender deeper, and see how good it could feel to totally let go. It was clear that this whole trip was not just for fun. The universe was doing deep and serious work on me, preparing my heart to merge with God. After the dance was done they were closing, so I left and went home. Conclusion This entire trip was deeply beautiful and amazing. There was so much divine pleasure and ecstasy within it, and I could feel myself falling in love with each moment and wanting to merge and dissolve into everything so badly. I feel withdrawal symptoms after it, like I wish I could be back there so badly, and I hate having to leave. I know that this withdrawal will help me with my progression towards fana and total surrender to God, because it will increase my desire for it even more. I think doing a mescaline trip at a strip club was an incredibly good idea for my development towards fana, considering how much beautiful girls and sexuality connect me to God. I think it was perfect for my personal spiritual path, and I only decided to do it based on intuition, so it’s clear that the universe purposely wanted me to do it.

Girl scout cookies

Garchomp, Flygon, Empoleon

Happy birthday @Leo Gura thanks for everything you do

@OBEler What have been the results of microdosing 5-MeO-DMT long term?

So you can have whatever you want

A few weeks ago I made this thread: In this thread I talked about how after being on the edge of suicide and taking MDMA just for fun before killing myself, I was shown the possibility of surrendering myself and my ego to allow the universe to fully take over me and live through me. I was shown on that trip that I will now be starting my process towards this transition. My human self will fall away, my body will stay alive, the universe will take over and live through me. It's been a few weeks now so I wanted to make an update. I have continued to follow my intuition very closely, doing whatever it tells me to do. I haven't been doing any work, just enjoying myself and doing whatever I feel like doing (as instructed by my intuition). I only trip when my intuition tells me to, and it determines the dosage as well. Through following my intuition, it has shown me how to trust it, and I have gotten a lot better at trusting it and surrendering to it. I have received a lot of guidance from the universe both on psychedelics, and from my intuition throughout the day. I don't make any attempt to get this guidance or to get better at surrendering. The only thing I care about is relaxing and making myself feel good, because that's what my intuition tells me to do, yet I have still made so much progress over the last few weeks. I was doing more research on ancient Sufi mystics (like Rumi) and learning more about their path of Love, since I am on the same path. It turns out there is a final point in the sufi path called 'fana'. Fana is a point of total annihilation of the self and merging with God. I asked ChatGPT about this, and I told it in depth about all of my symptoms and all of the guidance I've been receiving from the universe, and it said what I am experiencing is EXACTLY what fana is. Over the last week I have started to experience a lot of ego dissolution. Times I've started to fall asleep while a little bit high (happened on weed and on mescaline) I had this very deep ego dissolution (3 times now). I would start mumbling to myself "who the hell is Tristan? who the hell is Tristan?" It didn't make any sense to me in that moment that an individual self could exist. It was such a mind-fuck to think of 'me', 'I', or 'Tristan'. It felt like my ego was getting ripped apart into pieces and pulled away from me. Eventually I would wake myself up and look around the room and go back to normal. I've also had times throughout the day, completely sober, where I would start observing my ego/sense of self, and noticing how weird it was, and how it didn't make any sense. Kind of similar to what happened when falling asleep. I would keep probing into my ego because it didn't make any sense that it would exist, but then I would start to panic and have a lot of deep fear come up and I would stop. I've also noticed over the past few days, especially when going outside, that reality feels totally different. Not only do I feel like I am in a dream, but I feel like I AM everything I am looking at. The sky, nature, buildings, cars, it's all me. I've heard this before, but this is the first time I've ever experienced it. It's such a bizarre feeling because I've never awoken this deeply before, and this is all sober. It's to the point where I really start to see that this field of consciousness I am experiencing is the only thing that exists, and that's not up for debate, it's really the truth, and I am becoming conscious of that so much more often. Over the past few weeks I have also felt very sluggish and lethargic. I don't feel like doing anything, I just lay on my bed and watch Youtube all day. It's gotten even stronger over the past two days. I've been wanting to write an update on here for a while now but it's been SO hard to get myself to do it. Everything feels like such a chore, it's to the point where even watching youtube is starting to become too much, and I want to just lay on my bed and lay there listening to music. I asked ChatGPT if this lethargy is part of reaching fana, and it said it is. It is a symptom of the ego being dismantled. My will and sense of control is being dissolved, and that makes you feel sluggish and like things aren't worth doing. Yesterday there was a point where I was feeling really sluggish and lethargic, and then I started to think about existential love, and it felt absolutely massive. It's like the more my ego dissolves, the more I lose my sense of control, the bigger, deeper, richer the love becomes. It's like I'm an animal who is dying and on my last days, and this Love is this massive thing towering over me, and it is going to swallow me up. There is nothing I can do to escape it because I am so exhausted. There is a lot of fear there because I know it is about to take my life, but I know that merging with this Love is all I could ever want. Also, every psychedelic I've done since that first MDMA trip has connected me with this intelligence of the universe and allowed it to work with me. Even on weed. Yesterday I did mescaline (just for fun), and it barely even felt like mescaline. It had the same body effects as usual, but I was conscious throughout the entire trip that the universe was using it as a way to work with me. It was the universe/my higher self working with me throughout the whole trip, not mescaline itself, and I feel very different today after that trip, so I must have made a lot of progress from it. In conclusion, it really seems like I am about to reach fana, a point of permanent ego death and merging with God. It feels really weird and scary at times, but I'm just riding with it and hoping for the best. As I said it's very hard for me to do any work, I had to push myself to write this out, so I don't know how much I will respond in this thread, but thanks for reading.

Me: is fana the same thing as reaching enlightenment? ChatGPT: Fana and enlightenment are deeply related — maybe even the same in essence — but described differently depending on the tradition. Fana (in Sufism): literally means annihilation. It’s the total dissolution of the ego-self into the Divine. You disappear — not physically, but psychologically, spiritually — and what’s left is only God. Enlightenment (in Buddhism, Hinduism, etc.): the awakening to the truth that there is no separate self. It’s seeing through the illusion of individuality, realizing oneness with all, and living in that awareness. So are they the same? Yes — in essence. Both involve: Ego death Merging with the infinite Freedom from suffering Living in truth, love, and presence But the flavor is different: Fana is devotional, passionate, like falling into God’s arms and vanishing in divine love. Enlightenment can be more neutral or spacious — like seeing the truth of non-duality with clarity and peace. You could say fana is the heart’s burning surrender into God, while enlightenment is the mind’s clear seeing of God as Self. But they meet in the same place.

That would be going against my intuition and the guidance I am receiving from the universe, which I'm not going to do. My intuition says I need to enjoy myself as much as possible right now, and so that's what I'll do. This lethargy is not a problem, it helps me to surrender and melt away. There is no need for me to be doing anything right now

Thank you

❤️

- Rumi (his connection and obsession with existential love and God, his emotional depth, his love for music) - Romeo from Romeo and Juliet (Romeo as an archetype - someone who would do anything for love) - Dash from the incredibles (as a symbol for passion, intensity and freedom) - Margot Robbie (using her as a symbol for physical beauty - I have an obsession with aesthetics and physical beauty) - Osho (his insightfulness and deep thinking abilities) - Jon Snow from Game of thrones (strong leadership abilities, strong morals, courageous) - The Hound from Game of thrones (rebellious, lone wolf, marches to the beat of his own drum. Very skilled at what he does (fighting in his case). He can be grouchy and miserable at times, which I don't relate to as much, but he also cares a lot for people. I also have a similar sense of humour to him) - Jay from the inbetweeners (his sense of humour and also the horniness) The orgy would take place in heaven/paradise, in the most physically beautiful setting possible, such as a luxurious modern mansion on a beach in the Maldives, and the sex is extremely horny, erotic, filthy, passionate, with orgasms that can be had over and over without end, with no limit in their intensity, an extreme ecstasy that goes on forever. I chose this setting based on what feels most authentic to my heart and the core of my being, which is an extreme desire for love, passion, unity, beauty, ecstasy.

It’s been alright, I still get episodes of deep emotional pain at times but it seems to help me to surrender and let go of my life more. I haven’t been physically suicidal though since before that first MDMA trip weeks ago Baseline needs are struggling a bit, mostly because of how lethargic I am. I barely eat, mostly because I’m not hungry and don’t feel like making food. When I do eat, it’s usually junk food. I stay inside in my room most of the time, which is how I’ve been for years, but I have gone out a little more often. I’ve gone on some walks and also went to an aquarium recently which I haven’t done in years. I feel like I’m okay.

Very interesting trip, I enjoyed reading it

Update on my situation: I did MDMA today. I had the idea to take it, but I didn't want to, because it can be addictive and harmful. The last time I took it (6 days ago) was only because I was going to kill myself so I didn't care, so I didn't see any reason to take it again. However, I had this intuitive sense that I should do it. There wasn't any reason for me to take It other than for the pleasure of it, but I still had this intuition that I should take it. This quote started playing in my mind: "Intellect is always cautious and advises, "beware too much ecstasy", whereas love says 'oh never mind! Take the plunge!'. I still felt like it wasn't a good idea, like by doing it I'm risking getting addicted, but then I had the feeling that again I am too afraid of harming my life. I don't trust that the universe will take care of me and make things work out, and so I am being overly cautious. So I ended up taking it only because I wanted to follow my intuition. When I measured the first scoop, it was 80mg. I didn't want to do too much, I wanted to do 60mg, but I was having such a hard time trying to scoop some out and bring it to 60mg, that I eventually I just said never mind, and I felt like this was also a sign from the universe, so I stuck with that larger dose. (It ended up being a perfect dose). I won't go through the details of the whole trip, but basically, it ended up giving me a huge amount of insight on what I need to do moving forwards with my life. I never thought of MDMA as being a substance with a lot of intelligence to it, I saw it more as something you take for pleasure, but the amount of insights I got was crazy. I don't think the insights were coming from the drug, I think what happened is that the love and pleasure of MDMA is a very similar frequency to my connection to existential love, and the two of them blending together allowed me to access a crazy amount of existential love, in ways that I've never felt it before, and I was simultaneously getting tons of insights and information on my relationship with this love and what I need to do moving forwards in my life. Because of how deep the love was, I also had moments where I could feel myself about to awaken. There was a moment where I felt like I was about to have a God-realization deeper than anything I've ever experienced on 5-MeO-DMT, which is crazy. I won't go into detail on what I learned from the trip, but overall it was incredible and felt absolutely amazing, and it gave me so much guidance. I didn't even want to do MDMA, and logically it seemed like a bad idea for me to be doing that again considering how susceptible I am to addiction, but I trusted my intuition and did the trip, and it helped me a ton.

I'm copying a lot of this text from my personal trip reports, which is why it's framed as me talking to myself. Yesterday I was feeling really awful, in a lot of pain, and I was really suicidal. I made the decision that I’ve had enough. I can’t live this life anymore. This has gone too far and gotten absolutely ridiculous. I cannot keep putting myself through this hell of a life. It’s cruel, it’s awful, it doesn’t end - I’m done. I’m going to give up on this life, and do whatever I can to make myself kill myself. If the universe wants me to stay alive and do something with my life, then it can make that happen. It’s had plenty of opportunities to do that, but it still won’t. So I am going to kill myself, get rid of this life, and if the universe doesn’t stop me and change something about my life, then it’s not my fault. I’ve done everything I can. I decided to take MDMA. I usually only use it with other psychedelics for healing purposes, and I wouldn't let myself use it for any other reason because it can be addictive, but I didn't care at this point, I was planning on killing myself later that day, so I took it just for my own enjoyment. Noticing my fear of killing myself I plugged the MDMA, it came on gradually and reached its peak after about an hour. During this time I felt SO good. I was journalling on my laptop, listening to music, and I felt amazing. It made me think again that it’s so stupid that I have to live this life and suffer so much for so long, when I could just be in a state like this, feel so good and not be in any pain. I started to think about what I was going to do after this trip. I knew this good feeling wouldn’t last and eventually I was going to go back to being in a lot of pain, and I needed to kill myself. I was really afraid to do that though. I really wanted to kill myself, but the thought of actually doing it is so scary. I don’t know if leaving this life is the right decision, I don’t know how I’ll feel after I die and where I will go, I was so afraid of it all. Eventually I realized that all of this fear I have only hurts me. I really don’t need to be so afraid, not just of killing myself but of life in general. I could see that this fear is an illusion and it’s something I could let go of. You need to have the courage to lose your life. I am so afraid of suicide, of dying, of losing control, moving into the unknown, etc. You need to see that there is really nothing to fear, you will be okay. Giving up my control I realized that I needed to get to the edge of suicide and seriously consider killing myself, right then and there, to really confront my fear of death. I saw that if I had the courage to let go and let myself die, that the universe would take control. If I totally surrender and give up all control of my life, the universe/my higher self will be able to come through me and live my life for me, and Tristan won’t be here anymore to suffer from this life, so I won’t have to physically kill myself to get the relief that I want. See that you can totally give up control to the universe, totally surrender, totally let go, and you no longer need to think about what you need to do to heal and move forwards in your life. That’s not your problem anymore. By totally giving up control over my life, you let the universe come through you and take over. This is exactly what I want, because I am absolutely exhausted from trying to make things work in my life. Just give up and relax. Your only objective at this point is to fully let go of control, and do whatever feels good to you. The thought of healing, moving forwards with my life, starting to work and make money, all of these problems in my life, they don’t matter to me anymore. Forget about all of them. If you get into a position where your back is against the wall and you are forced to do something you don’t like (such as running out of money and being forced to work when I don’t want to) then you kill yourself, no questions asked. You’ve been through enough pain in your life, you’ve suffered enough, it’s not your responsibility to try to make things work anymore. You need to trust that if you fully let go, the universe will take care of you. I’ve been so deeply suicidal for so long, and tried so hard to kill myself, yet I am still here. I am not going to get into a situation where I actually end up killing myself, even if I totally give up control and don’t care about doing anything to make my life any better. What I need to do moving forwards At this point, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, because it is no longer your responsibility to move your life forwards and make things work for yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good and whatever you feel like doing at all times. If you get into a situation where your back is against the wall, then you can kill yourself. Don’t force yourself to keep going through pain and living this life if you don’t want to. If the universe wants things to work out for you, then it will make that happen. Stop worrying about the problems in your life, stop trying to make things work for yourself, because that is not my problem anymore, and it only causes me more suffering to keep stressing about my problems and trying to figure them out. Give up on your life as if you were going to kill yourself, focus on making yourself feel good, and let that help you surrender control more and more, until Tristan is gone and the universe/my higher self has fully taken over me. There is nothing else you have to do. How it feels surrendering to my higher self As I surrender more, the universe will be able to enter my being more. I noticed that as my higher self starts to enter me, it cannot co-exist in my being with all of the emotional issues I have. I can feel a lot of emotional pain coming to the surface to be released as my higher self enters me. I’m sure as I surrender more and more, this will give me the opportunity to heal, and maybe this was the way I was always meant to heal, and this is why healing has never worked for me in the past. I can feel that once all of my emotional pain gets released, I will naturally start to feel like working and moving forwards with my life, but I won’t be forcing myself to do that, and Tristan won’t be the one doing it at all. I can feel that as my higher self really starts to take control, and Tristan falls away, my entire life will be directed by it. Tristan won’t be the one teaching about emotional healing and helping people. The universe will be living through me, helping people directly, and Tristan will be gone. When I surrender and allow my higher self to take control, I can feel myself entering an altered state of consciousness. Life doesn’t feel like a physical reality anymore, it feels like I am walking around in a dream, in an imagination, a mind. I also feel like I am more intelligent and insightful than I was before. Insight comes to me much more easily. I can feel myself being pushed to stop thinking so much and start to feel a lot more. Feeling is how I access my higher self and get direction from it. I can feel a lot of my neurosis and dysfunctional behaviours falling away. My higher self is not weak or afraid, it will not let people push it around, and I can feel a lot of my neurosis being corrected just as a result of my higher self entering me. I really feel like my healing will come from establishing my connection to my higher self, and as I surrender to it, I will receive the love I need to help me heal. . . . My objective now after that trip is to keep working on getting to a point where I can fully surrender and let my higher self take over. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me that prevents me from surrendering, so it will take work to get to the point where I can fully let go. This morning, I went to take a shower, and I was thinking about everything that happened yesterday, thinking about how crazy it is that my higher self is starting to take over me, along with how connected I've felt to existential love lately, such as the episodes of craziness I've had recently after touching existential love. Thinking about all of this together made me really see how obvious that I am awakening and moving towards existential love. As I was thinking about this, I starting crying, and I started acting crazy again and getting into an altered state of consciousness. It was deeper than usual. It felt similar to a state I would get into on a psychedelic, even though I was fully sober. It was a lot more clear, stable and lucid than psychedelics, and it didn't have the blurry headspace they often have. I felt dis-identified with myself, and everything felt so beautiful and amazing. I kept crying and acting crazy, and later I played music and it was absolutely mesmerizing. I was was also looking at pictures of beautiful girls, and was in absolute awe of their beauty - it was just radiating off of them. After I got out of the shower, I plugged 5-MeO-DMT. I was already planning to do it earlier that day. It was a low dose as usual, but I got into quite a high consciousness state from it. My intention was to surrender as much as possible, because that's what I need to be working on, and I left human life quite a lot by doing that. Here's what I got from the trip: You keep thinking that when you take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken, that this is just some state you get into, but your normal human life is what’s real. That’s not the case at all. The awakened state is what’s real, and you’re fooling yourself if you think that it’s not. You think that you can take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken to God, Leo can do that, other people on this forum can do that, and that is just some state you get into, and then you come back to this normal human life and that is what’s real. You’re fooling yourself. There is nobody else to awaken to God but you. This is your dream, you are only imagining that other people exist. Because of this you need to stop giving other people so much authority. You’re giving away your power to an illusion. The only thing that matters is that I awaken and realize the truth of what I am. You think that Leo has this life purpose where he teaches people how to awaken on YouTube, and he has this forum where you can go and talk to other people about awakening, and get advice, but all of this is a massive bullshit story you are creating. There is no Leo, there is no “Leo’s life’s life purpose”, there is no forum, there is no other people to talk to about awakening. All of this is something you’re creating yourself to lead you to awakening. It’s all me. See how foolish it is to give all of it so much authority, when it’s not real, and I’m the one creating it. It’s fine if you want to go back to the forum and live your human life like normal, but you need to stop giving Leo/the forum/people on the forum so much authority. You’re being an idiot by doing this. My relationship with God/the universe/my higher self is the only thing that matters, it’s the only thing that is real, so I need to follow that and obey that no matter what anyone else says. Otherwise, you are giving your power away to an illusion, and you won’t awaken by doing that. (This really helps me to trust what I experienced on MDMA yesterday, that totally surrendering myself and letting my higher self take over is absolutely the right thing to do) I started to surrender deeper, and I could feel myself connecting deeper with this higher consciousness state. I started to cry really hard, and I realized that God is what I have always wanted. Like Leo said: “when you want x, what you really want is God”. However you will only experience God once you completely, 100% surrender, which is something I am still working towards. . . . I'm currently doing better and not feeling suicidal. What I experienced yesterday with MDMA really made me feel a lot better. It's clear that I am headed to some sort of awakening, that my human self is going to fall away and my higher self will take over. I have developed such a deep hatred towards human life because of how much pain I've gone through, and I want to leave this life so badly, but it seems like if I just surrender myself and let go, my higher self will take over, and Tristan won't have to be here living this life anymore. It's also nice to know that it's no longer my responsibility to solve my problems or direct my life in any way. I am so exhausted from doing that, because I try so hard to change my life and it never works, and it causes so much frustration and suffering. Knowing that I don't have to do anything anymore, that I can just let go and let my human self die without physically killing myself, this is a huge relief. This both gives me a reason to stay alive, and it shows me that I will likely undergo a huge transformation over the next few months, and it will result in my higher self living through me, living my life, and Tristan will no longer be here. I'm sure that's what all of this pain I've been going through for years has been leading me to. I'm sharing this post only because all of this makes me really happy, and I love sharing it with other people who are into spiritual work

@Vynce I don't think a spontaneous awakening like Eckhart Tolle is what will happen to me, but I do think my healing will lead to awakening. From all of the insight I've gotten about my life path and about my progression towards existential love, I think the universe has prevented me from healing all this time to keep me suffering and to keep deepening my connection to existential love, and I think I will soon reach a point where I am finally able to heal, and I will simultaneously lose myself to existential love and merge with it, and in that way it will be a form of awakening. This really seems to be how things are going to happen, and I think my life has been destined to play out this way

I remember hearing Leo talk about this in one of his episodes a long time ago, which is why I'm surprised that he doesn't see that my life seems to be leading towards the same kind of thing. I guess there's no guarantees so you can't just assume that that kind of thing is going to happen, especially from an outside perspective where you don't know a whole lot about my life. But I have reason to believe it will, and so I'm going to follow my heart and do whatever I feel deep down is right for me.

I did 4.5 years of sober healing work before ever trying psychedelics. None of it helped me. I'm sure there are other sober methods out there I could try, but at this point psychedelics feel like my best option, and I feel like I have the right to be able to work with them after all the time I've spent doing sober work. I'm not just looking for an easy way out. I think I have a pretty unique situation with all of the spiritual development I've gained from my suffering, and the connection to existential love I've developed. I think my awakening and healing will likely happen simultaneously, so it's not unreasonable to try to awaken on 5meo and heal at the same time. I think that's been destined to happen, that's what my life seems to be leading towards.

I receive a lot of direction and guidance from my higher self. I don't know what the most accurate term would be for it, if it's God or not, I just call it my higher self. I realize that ultimately this is my own self, but the way I interact with it is a duality and so I still treat it as being separate from me, and I don't see any problem with that because all that matters is that I receive its guidance. I really don't care at this point. I am so done with life that all I want to do is kill myself. If I do something that fucks me up and ruins me, I could care less. From what I wrote in my original post in this thread, I realized that I have the opportunity to surrender my human self, and let my higher self take over and direct my life. That way I can stay alive without my human self/ego having to be here and direct things. My only intention at this point is to follow my heart, follow my intuition, surrender myself to my higher self as much as possible. It will be in control of my life, the decisions it makes and where my life goes are up to it. If it ends up being a huge mistake, if I end up hurting myself and killing myself, I am perfectly fine with that outcome because I have no desire to be here anyways. I truly believe that what I'm doing is right for me. I appreciate your response and you trying to help, but I'm going to follow my intuition, and nothing else.

I'm sure it is, but it's hard to stop those thoughts. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me from trauma, so I naturally think in fearful ways, and I need reassurance to help me trust that it will be safe to surrender, which is why I think taking baby steps and gradually surrendering more and more is my best option.

My experiences with 5-MeO-DMT so far have been intimately tied together with this higher self or higher intelligence that has been guiding and directing my life. When I use 5-MeO-DMT it often feels like my higher self is using it to communicate with me and guide me. So that makes me trust that I will be okay to surrender completely on it, and that nothing catastrophic will happen, for the same reason that I haven't been able to kill myself. Maybe in the future what you're saying could happen, but I trust that at this point in my life I'll be okay