Tristan12

What do you mean? More sensitive to what?

I've heard this kind of thing over and over from people. I did ayahuasca for 5 weeks in October and November last year, and I started using psychedelics on my own after that. A lot of the staff at the retreat said this kind of thing, but I don't understand what it means. I spent years trying to heal myself with other methods before trying psychedelics and none of it worked. The main thing I get out of psychedelics is that it allows me to access my subconscious mind and go deep into my emotions very easily, in a way that is very challenging to do sober. Beyond that, a lot of my knowledge of emotions, inner child work and other things still helps and still gets used. It's specifically this that I don't understand. My main issue is that I have a lot of deep, painful emotions blocked within me from childhood. They need to be processed and integrated. I don't understand what 'lessons' need to be applied beyond just releasing those emotions. I've heard people talk about how important it is to change your lifestyle and habits. In my personal situation, because of how severe my emotional issues are, I cannot change my lifestyle and habits until I first start to feel better. Doing it the other way around does not work for me. There have been times that I have gotten some healing and results from psychedelics, so I started trying to change my habits for the sake of encouraging integration, but the healing eventually slips away, I start to feel worse again, and then I can't continue with those habits anymore. So I really don't understand what this 'knowledge of how to apply the lessons' thing means, and how it leads to healing. I'd appreciate if you could provide some insight.

I thought you were having a stroke when I read the first few words of this sentence lmao

This is palpably wrong to me. My deepest trips have all been traumatizing, teetering on total panic/meltdown territory. This is a category of terror beyond anything I've ever experienced as a human. All of my daily mundane fears are an offshoot of this greater primordial fear of confronting Consciousness. Nothing scares me more than psychs. I 100% agree.

@Breathe I have a lot of insight on what you're talking about because these are things I have been working on a lot myself lately in my work. Not necessarily. Phobias and all forms of psychological dysfunction need to be deeply analyzed, deconstructed and understood. You need to really understand where your fears are coming from and what is creating them to know how to resolve them. It's a lot more complex than just "I have this fear so the only solution is to face it". Facing your fear is definitely an option for overcoming fear, but my point is that there are other strategies for overcoming fear, and in my opinion, a lot of the time there are better ways to resolve fear than just forcing yourself to face them. For me, I've spent years trying to overcome my social anxiety by making myself go out of my comfort zone and talk to people. I only got very minimal results from that, and I never enjoyed it because it was so uncomfortable and I felt like I was just bulldozing my emotions by doing it. Through introspection I learned that my social anxiety comes from a huge amount of shame within me. Times that I've worked on that and made progress in healing and resolving that, I notice myself being much more comfortable socially than I ever did by trying to talk to people. In other words, I made progress in overcoming my social phobia by doing work on myself alone, and it makes total sense that that is possible if you really understand where my social anxiety was coming from. Another fear I have is I am afraid to surrender to my emotions and let them take over me (which Is needed for healing). I have a lot of fear within me from childhood, and forcing myself to face my fears has never been a helpful strategy. Instead, I feel into that fear, give myself love and understanding, without forcing myself to do anything. That makes me feel more comfortable, and helps me to move through and resolve that fear. I've never struggled with depression, but my mental health issues are as complex and overwhelming as what you describe here, and I have been making progress in working through these things alone. I'm not saying don't ask other people for help - I was trying to get people to help me while I trip and go into my emotions for a while. But I've had a hard time finding anyone and so I revisited the option of doing it alone, and I've figured out how to work through a lot of the fear I have towards my emotions, and it's becoming easier for me to do it. If you feel 100% called to involve other people in your healing process, then by all means, do that, but don't think that even very severe mental health issues can't be worked through alone. You just need a good understanding of emotions and psychology to know how to work through your fear and resistance in a healthy and loving way. My first two posts in this thread were me talking about how I did that and how I reached huge amounts of love, comfort and safety when facing my emotions, all while tripping alone I've never done LSD but from what I've heard about it, it wouldn't be my first choice for healing. From what I've heard, LSD can take you deep but it's not very loving, gentle or emotional. You are likely to face even more fear and resistance if you are trying to resolve your issues with LSD. I work mainly with low doses of 5-MeO-DMT, and that often has a very loving and gentle energy when I use it which helps even more to get through my fears and resistances. 5meo can probe love into your fear and resistance in a way that is very challenging to do sober, and it's incredible how much it helps. The substance you use definitely makes a difference.

Wow, that's a really beautiful report. It's really amazing because I feel like so much has been happening in my life lately that shows more and more that I am moving towards God and what is described in this report. Thank you for sharing

@OBEler Thank you

I've been working with psychedelics for a few months now and I still haven't healed from it. However I have gained a lot of awareness into my emotional issues, and they are very complex, so it makes sense that they would be difficult to resolve. Luckily I have been learning about psychology and emotional healing for years before this so I have a lot of knowledge and insights that can help me figure out what to do. The main thing is that I have a lot of difficulty surrendering. I have had many moments of intense crying and emotional purging on psychedelics, but it never heals me. What I realized recently is that without full surrender, the emotional release does not become somatic. It's easy to think you are purging because you are crying and reacting, but that doesn't mean it's deep enough to create lasting healing. Trauma is stored in the body, and only by total and complete surrender can a somatic processing and release happen. Your emotions need to take over you, they need to happen TO you, the purging isn't something you force or create yourself. I have a lot of fear and resistance in me from childhood and that makes me uncomfortable with full surrender. I have been working on figuring out how to resolve that and I have been making good progress. So I've had the same experience as you so far of no results, but I feel like I am making good progress and will get there eventually. I know what you mean about needing a sense of community. I have tried tripping around other people, because my emotional pain is so deep and severe that it's very intimidating for me to go into alone, and forcing myself into them isn't conducive to healing. I feel better having other people around me when I trip and go into my emotions, however I have social anxiety and I'm not comfortable fully letting go and reacting however I want to around people, so that creates a problem. I found that what I really get out of having other people there is a sense of safety, so if I can do something to create that for myself when I'm alone, then I would feel comfortable enough to surrender without needing other people, and that has been working well for me so far. I think psychedelics can definitely provide deep and genuine healing, but you also need to know how to work with them properly, and people may have barriers that prevent them from being able to do that (like my issues with surrendering). I think if you have a good knowledge of psychology and emotional work, if you know how to gain a lot of understanding and awareness of your own psychology, and then you pair that with psychedelics which allow you to easily get deep into your subconscious mind and release core emotions, that could really help most people. I get what you're saying about changing habits and needing connection, I think that's a good point that people can also incorporate into their healing practice if they feel like that's something they need. However I think for any person, psychedelics or any other technique that allows you to do deep work on the subconscious mind is what would create the deepest level of healing and transformation.

@OBEler I just checked the site I bought it from, I have the 400mg/1ml option I bought 5-MeO-DMT HCl as well to try plugging it, but the doses are weird for me - I gradually worked my way up, and plugging 25mg is about the same as 1 hit on the vape, and I know that 25-30mg is usually a very deep trip for most. I've plugged other psychedelics and the doses were the same for me as what other people experience, but for some reason plugging 5-MeO-DMT doesn't work well for me. I would like to make my own vape pen though, I don't know if it was you writing about it but I remember someone in the 5-MeO-DMT mega thread talking about vape chemicals being harmful, so I would like to learn how to make my own if you have any resources you could share

I don't know the mg measurement, I use a vape pen, the directions say that 1-2 pulls is a mild trip and 3-5 is large/breakthrough. I forgot to answer your other question: yes I do usually re-dose throughout my trips to extend the length of it

My normal dose is one full hit. I find I have to wait 48 hours for tolerance to be completely gone. This trip was about 20 hours after my previous one so there was some tolerance and effects were pretty light. I did 2.5 hits and the effects were about the same as if I did half a hit with no tolerance I chose to trip even with tolerance because of what I’m currently working on. I didn’t need the trip to be deep, I just wanted the feeling of 5meo I have a really hard time surrendering on psychedelics. I don’t necessarily resist or fight with it, but I cannot fully let go, and my thoughts are super active, so I’ve been trying to figure out how to resolve that, because real healing and emotional release can’t happen without full surrender. I learned from past trips that I have a lot of deep fear within me from childhood, and that makes it very uncomfortable for me to let go and surrender. I’ve decided that I need to do inner child work and work with those emotions of fear at the start of my trips. Today was my first time trying that, and it worked really well because I had the spirit/essence of 5meo channeling love into my emotions, along with me working with my emotions myself. I started to process and go into my fear, and I realized I have a lot of shame mixed in with that, which makes it hard to trust any love and comfort I receive. Deep down I feel like I am so bad, wrong, gross and unlovable as a person, so why would anyone care about me and why would there be any reason to trust that I am safe and cared for? The 5meo directed love at that shame, as well as my fear, and all the sudden I felt so much love and it became so much easier to let go. I felt genuinely safe and protected, and I felt like I wanted to just give myself to the trip at that point and let go completely, but the trip was so light that it didn’t go anywhere after that But I experienced some really deep love from that, which was amazing and beautiful, and as I started to come down it triggered this craziness thing again. I think this craziness effect isn’t coming from the 5meo, but from the connection to existential love I have and how deep it’s becoming at this point.

Low dose 5-MeO-DMT is amazing for emotional processing. But yes, lots of psychedelics work for that purpose

I've struggled for a while to be overly open-minded. I've been aware of that and I've tried to be more considerate of other opinions and perspectives whenever they are presented to me. Because of that, whenever someone challenges my opinions or perspectives, I put in a lot of effort to consider what they are saying, and I don't assert my own perspectives very much, because I'm trying to be open to new perspectives. However, I feel like I am always the one trying to consider the other person's perspective, and never the other way around. I find that there are a lot of things I feel strongly about, things that feel very true to me, and when I don't assert my own opinions and perspectives, It hurts me and feels like a boundary violation. I feel like I don't stand up for myself and what I feel is true or right, because I'm trying to be open-minded. Why do I always have to be the one who is wrong, who should be considering other people's perspectives? Why shouldn't other people listen to and consider mine? I'd appreciate if anyone could give me some advice on how to reconcile this, because I'm tired of people constantly challenging my perspectives and beliefs, and me never upholding or enforcing them that strongly, just because I don't want to be close-minded to what they're suggesting to me.

It doesn't help, it's just spiritual bypassing

What kind of health problems do you have?

I'd imagine that to Leo, the thought of doing this with his content would make him want to cry😂

I love this thread, thank you for making it

@RightHand That might get you there😂

Or while wearing one of these:

22kg under the tongue 😎

I don't know, I bought 500mg of 5-MeO-MALT and I emptied it into a glass vial, it seems fine.

Leo says it’s best to keep 5-Meos in a glass vial since they can leech through plastic over time

I'm in an extremely difficult life situation and I'd really like some advice on what to do. There is so much I could explain, but I'm going to try to keep this relatively short and just get to the point. So I've been suffering from extreme mental health issues for the past 7 years. It has been absolutely unbearable, and the suffering gets deeper and deeper as time goes on. I've spent the last 5 years trying to heal myself by making my own trauma healing technique, but I never succeeded with it. I finally decided to stop working on it, because I was going to end up killing myself, so I decided to go do ayahuasca. I spent 5 weeks around October this year doing ayahuasca. It ended up helping me tremendously and I felt totally transformed. Once I left the retreat, a few days later I lost almost all of my results, and they haven't returned since (it's been a month now). A week ago I had a really amazing mescaline trip that I felt I got a lot of good healing from, but then two days later the results were gone. I've gone through so much suffering and spent so much time trying to heal myself, almost 5 years, then I finally decided to throw in the towel and do psychedelics, just to stay alive, and now even after 5 weeks of ayahuasca I'm still in the same situation I was in before. I could write paragraph after paragraph explaining this, but you have NO IDEA how exhausted I am and how much I hate being alive. The fact that after all this time and effort, I still can't heal, I am so done, and I want more than anything than to be dead and put out of my misery. As a side note, over the years, as I've suffered more and more, I have developed a really deep connection to existential love. I can feel it and access it very easily, and I've come to realize that developing that connection has been the point of everything I've been going through, and that's helped me to hang in there. But it's gotten to the point where I don't care about that more and I just need this pain to stop, and I want to die. I hate being alive with a passion. I've been thinking though, considering that I haven't been able to heal even with psychedelics, and thinking about this connection to existential love i've been developing over the years, I wonder if the way this chapter of my life is supposed to end is for me to have some kind of massive awakening, to merge with existential love. I feel like if I could stay in my physical body, but be totally dead inside, I would be happy, and I wouldn't suffer anymore. Because of this, I have been thinking, maybe if I take a large amount of 5-MeO-MALT or 5-MeO-DMT and have complete ego death, maybe that would help me. I don't really expect that a state like that would stick, but maybe it would heal me in some way? Either way, if I was to do something like that, I know it would not be easy and it would totally terrify me and traumatize me. My ego is so sensitive and fearful that there is no way it would let go without putting up a fight, despite how much I hate being alive. I really don't know what to do in this situation, so I'd appreciate general advice, but I'd also like advice on the psychedelic thing, on if people think going for ego-death would be helpful to me, even if I have to go through a terror trip to get there. I want nothing more than to die and become one with God/existential love. I fucking hate this stupid human life. That's why I think an experience of ego-death/God realization could really help me, but I'd have to be sure it's what I really want, because I'm sure I'll have to go through a terror trip to get there. @RendHeaven going to tag you here because you suggested a large dose of malt to me before, and it kind of got me thinking, so I'd appreciate your advice as well

Thank you for your responses guys. I read through them all and they were helpful.

That's true. The challenge for me is that it's hard to enforce my opinions when I haven't spent hours deeply contemplating and deconstructing them, making sure I'm very very certain of everything I'm saying. Even if I did, I can't do that with every single opinion I have. Previously I would almost discard my own opinion for the sake of considering another person's opinion. I would still believe my own opinion for myself, but I wouldn't really enforce it, I would put it aside and fully try to consider and take on the perspective of the other person to see how I felt about it. I think putting my own opinion aside so strongly is what's hurting me. I think I should still stick with my own perspective, but be willing to discuss other potential perspectives, and only change my opinion and fully discard my own perspective once I see that another perspective is actually superior.