Tristan12

@Razard86 @Leo Gura Another thing to add, Leo talks about how you are the ultimate authority, how direct experience is number one, and no one can tell you about your own reality better than yourself. From everything that has gone on for me in my life, I have sufficient evidence for it to be reasonable for me to expect awakening in my specific case, even if in most cases you can't predict awakening. "You have to save yourself from so many good-intentioned people, do-gooders, who are constantly advising you to be this, to be that. Listen to them and thank them. They don't mean any harm; but harm is what happens. You just listen to your own heart. That is your only teacher. In the real journey of life, your own intuition is your only teacher." - Osho

@Razard86 I think what you and Leo are saying about not being able predict or will awakening to happen is true for 99.9999% of people, but there are rare cases where God chooses people and intentionally beings specific souls back to itself, and in that case the awakening becomes predictable. That is largely what the path of Love is - on this path your heart is intimately connected to the love of God, and that love gradually pulls you into awakening and reunion, sometimes without the person having to put any effort into it at all, which is how it has been for me. I have done almost no spiritual practice in my life, I have only suffered like crazy. I am on the verge of permanent ego death, I have an extremely deep connection with existential love, my life is so deeply led by divine guidance that I am powerless to being able to get out of it or change anything. The more time that goes on, the more my ego dissolves and the closer I get to awakening, even though I put zero effort into making it happen. I have so obviously been chosen by God for some specific purpose, i have had direct communication from the divine that i will be reaching union with God, so I would be a fool to doubt all of that, and to think that my awakening wouldn't happen and I would be left hanging. Watch this video I posted here if you want to - it is a detailed explanation of my spiritual path and exactly what kind of awakening I appear to be heading towards

@Human Mint Please read this and tell me if you think going for a run would help me. It's like getting into a high-speed car crash and trying to soothe it with a band-aid I do enjoy exercise but I have stopped it over the years, because my mental health is so bad that leaving the house and exercising only makes me feel worse, not better

@Natasha Tori Maru Because in the scene there's a boy and a girl, and you're the girl lol

Hahaha That's @Leo Gura at the beginning coming to get @mmKay and @Natasha Tori Maru from the non-mod pool and offering them a chocolate bar. @Natasha Tori Maru decides to throw it in the pool with the non-mods before they leave. That's me at 0:56

If you could create your own psychedelic with any qualities you want, what would it look like? Consider things like the amount of visuals/type of visuals, body effects, duration, how gentle or intense it is, what the overall feeling signatures of it would be, what it could be used for (profound awakenings, emotional healing, contemplation, etc). Consider any unique experiences you've had on psychedelics in the past that you would want to add as a normal part of this psychedelic, and consider combining traits you like from different psychedelics into this new substance. Don't say things like 'gives you instant enlightenment' or other things like that. Make it at least somewhat realistic. Give it a name if you want to.

I thought I saw some chocolate in the main pool. But it wasn’t chocolate😭

@Breakingthewall Makes me think of: "The lover is a veil, all is Beloved. Beloved lives. The lover is a corpse." - Rumi

This pains me to read. I know exactly what it’s like dealing with people like that and it drives me crazy.

@Leo Gura What are the deepest levels of ego death you have experienced and what have they felt like? I remember hearing in your salvia trip report video that salvia gave a particularly strong ego dissolution/death. I'm curious how deep your ego deaths have gone with your deepest trips on 5-MeO-DMT and other substances

@integration journey That’s really beautiful. It describes God in a really gentle, feminine way

Wow, that's beautiful. This is fana (fana fi allah). Put through a pretty gruesome lens, but still a beautiful quote

The path of Love chose me, and through research I discovered that the Sufis walk the path of love, so learning about Sufism has helped me understand my own path. I’m curious why the Sufis walk the path of Love and reach fana far more than people from any other spiritual tradition, considering this path often isn’t something you choose for yourself.

In terms of practical advice I could give to you, first of all consider that there is always something to learn from suffering and to gain from it. Suffering can teach lessons in a way that nothing else can, it can build your empathy for the suffering of others, and it can make you stronger and more resilient. If you easily become suicidal in the face of suffering, I suggest developing a deeper reason to live, a reason that you are passionate about, something that touches your heart, something that won't make you back down in the face of pain. Something that makes the suffering worth it. For example, for a long time I have wanted to create emotional healing techniques and help people heal their emotional pain. I knew I had a lot of potential and a lot to offer the world. My desire to help people and give love to people was strong enough that it helped me to keep going even when things got really bad. I think it is important to understand that suffering is a necessary part of life. It is something that helps you learn and grow, not something you need to escape from. That is the truth of how life works. When you can integrate that and live in alignment with that, rather than resisting it, things will become easier. Suffering is your ally, something to be welcomed and learned from. With that said, I know it takes strength to have that attitude. It's not easy, suffering is awful, we hate it and we want to get away from it. But that's the point of it. If it wasn't that difficult, it wouldn't have the benefits it does. Another important thing to mention is that the type of suffering you are going through makes a difference. If you have chronic mental health issues and have been suffering for years, I don't expect you to be fine continuing to live for years longer with nothing changing. Obviously something needs to change, and you won't be happy otherwise, and it would be natural to become suicidal. Also don't think that you should start putting yourself in situations to intentionally cause suffering because it "makes you stronger" or that "you have to become okay with it". This is more abusive than helpful. Suffering should be gone through with intelligence and wisdom, not by recklessly forcing yourself into it. At the end of the day you're human, we all are, it is natural to hate suffering and to want to escape it, and it is natural to become suicidal when it gets too bad. The solution is to approach the situation with wisdom: What can I learn from this suffering? What needs to be changed about my life? How can I become more okay with suffering in a way that is healthy and loving towards myself, and not abusive and hurtful? Hopefully that helps

I understand what you're saying and I agree that it is true in regard to regular awakening, but what I'm going through isn't the same as that. Fana and fana al fana happen through the grace of God. My entire life has been a build up towards it, and for the past few months I have been going through a process of deeper ego deconstruction before reaching fana. On that first MDMA trip I had a direct communication from the universe that I would go through this process and fana would be happening soon. I also already had fana begin to happen almost 3 weeks ago. But I was too afraid and I resisted, which just means that more purification has to happen. My entire life and spiritual path have been heavily led by the grace of God. I have been forced to go through all of this suffering in my life and all of this recent purification. I've been told directly by the universe that fana will happen soon, and now I've even had a glimpse of fana trying to happen. All of that isn't going to happen only for God to say "you know what, never mind. You're on your own, no awakening for you". I think my path is just very different to yours and a lot of other people's, because it is so deeply orchestrated by the grace of God, so how awakening happens works differently. I won't get in the way of it and disrupt God's plan for me just because my ego knows this massive awakening will happen soon. Also, when fana happens, there is no egoic willing or controlling. There is only longing for God, and being in a state of complete helplessness, with nowhere to go. That is the end state that all of the suffering brings you to. You become an empty shell of a human, and all that is left is for God to pick up the pieces and merge you into itself. I can still say to myself and others "I will awaken soon" but the exhaustion I am in runs so deep that the ego can barely reach or do anything. God has to come to me, not the other way around. This is the only way fana can happen, and breaking the ego down this deeply into this much exhaustion is the point of all of the suffering and the final purification process. I know fana al fana is about to happen, and there is nothing I can do to stop it

I've suffered from mental health issues all my life, but 8 years ago I went through a trauma which is what began my extreme suffering. So I've been going through hell for 8 years with each year getting worse than the last. I wanted to kill myself and toyed with the idea of it throughout those entire 8 years, but for a long time I had a deep intuition that I was going through everything I was for a reason, that I needed to keep going, I knew I could make it through, and my life would be worth living on the other side because I knew I had so much potential. Because I felt like my life was worth fighting for and I had so much potential, I just couldn't bring myself to end my life, even though I really wanted to a lot of the time. The last 1-2 years have been the worst suffering I have ever been through in my life. I don't really want to talk about what caused it, but it was a form of suffering that was not just pain, but deep cruelty and emotional torture. It's deep suffering combined with feelings of "I hate you, you're a piece of garbage, you will never be loved, you deserve to be alone, in pain, to be humiliated. I'm going to put you through hell and there is nothing you can do to stop it, because you're awful and you deserve it, etc.". It feels like pure cruelty. Nothing has ever broken me like that. I've had to sit in that hell day after day for almost a full year. By that point, I was already so exhausted from 6-7 years of hell, and then to have the worst suffering I've ever been through thrown at me, all my feelings of "life is worth fighting for" flew out the window. I didn't care anymore. It was too bad, too unbearable, I needed life to be over. It got so bad that I didn't care about doing the right thing, I didn't care about being noble and respectable, I just wanted to die. But no matter how bad the suffering got, I've always had this extremely strong sense that I HAD to keep going, and I could not end my life. For years I listened to that, but in the last 1-2 years, things got so bad that I didn't care and I tried my hardest to fight that feeling. I would sabotage myself by wasting thousands of dollars on hookers to put myself in a worse situation to make myself end things. I would try to block out all thoughts of "I need to keep going", I would go through the motions of tying a rope around my neck and being about to hang myself. I tried everything I could to get past this feeling of "I need to keep going", to ignore it and just end my life, but I just couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. Being in that situation, combined with this cruelty and emotional torture I've had to go through over the past year, like I said was the worst hell I've ever been through. At that point I couldn't be strong anymore, I couldn't brace myself and just "hang in there". Internally, I kicked and screamed, I broke down, I freaked out, I hated everyone and everything and prayed for my death every day. I felt like I was on my knees begging for mercy, begging to be let out of this hell of a life, but no mercy was given and there was no way out. I realize now that that that is what is needed to break the ego, especially at the deepest level (fana al fana is the deepest and most total ego death). If you could "hang in there" or "stay strong", you wouldn't be broken in the way you would be if you literally couldn't take it and you were literally being tortured. That's why I had to go through that. So to answer your question about how I went so long without killing myself, for a long time it was because I felt like I had something to live for, but during the worst of it, I absolutely wanted to kill myself and I tried everything I could to make myself do it, but I just couldn't. This feeling in me that I could not give up and I had to keep going is SO extremely strong that it makes me physically incapable of ending my life. And for a long time it made me furious that that was the case because it was what kept me in this hell with no escape, and I hated it. Fana (death into God) is such an extremely rare thing because it is not something you can work towards and decide to achieve, it is something that God and the universe choose you for. Because of that, if God decides you will reach fana (and in my case fana al fana), you will go through what ever you have to go through to reach it and you will be completely powerless to doing anything to stop it. That has been my situation, and that's why I have this energy within me that makes me physically incapable of ending my life. Fortunately my suffering is 99.99% over now. I am so close to ego death that fana al fana will hit any day now. Then I will be permanently freed from life as a human ego, I will be united with God, and I will never have to suffer ever again. I will be merged with God's infinite Love forever. "Love is not wishing for union with the Beloved, love is first being burned and consumed in the shining bright flames of separation" - Rumi "It is God's loving kindness to terrify you in order to bring you to his kingdom of safety" - Rumi

Maybe the guy checked under his bed for space kangaroos like you suggested in your ‘what is truth’ episode

Did he come from space?

At the same time the horror of life shows the depth of the love of reality - it proves how love just gets deeper and deeper forever, without end, to the point where it can create such horrific things, and still love anyways. The love gets so deep that it could never seem rational or sensible, which is why love turns into a form of insanity and madness once it gets deep enough. Not in a pathological way, but in the sense that Love gets so drunk on itself that there is no longer any point in being careful or sensible. It is so deep in its own ecstasy that it realizes there is no point in stopping the love at torture, rape, genocide etc. because why not love all of that as well? Why should those things be the bottleneck to love? From that perspective, the horrors of life make no difference as to whether love would be real or not. They just prove the truth of it even more. And if Life drags people through lifetime after lifetime of hell and suffering, for the purpose of eventually reaching Infinite Love, it's still totally worth it in the end, because it's Love. I say all of that not from any concrete contemplations or awakenings, just an intuition. It still feels right though

I agree

This trip goes along with my previous posts about my progression towards fana (basically the sufi version of enlightenment). Every psychedelic I have done in the last month has very clearly been the universe working on me to help me reach fana, rather than being a normal psychedelic trip. This trip was one of my best trips ever, and I feel like I am very close to reaching fana. To preface this trip report, here is a realization I've had recently: I’ve always been so infatuated with really beautiful girls, and with sexuality as a whole. You would think that I wouldn't have much interest in that kind of thing now, since I have lost interest in most other similar human desires, but I realized recently that I love those things so much because I see God in them. To me, the most beautiful thing on the planet and the clearest expression of God’s endless beauty is a really beautiful woman. To me, sex with a really beautiful woman symbolizes merging with God’s beauty, and unification with God. When I obsess over sex and beautiful women, it’s because I see God in them more than anything else. It is my personal doorway to God. Recently the universe/my intuition pointed all of this out to me, and showed me that I need to use it to help me reach God. Beautiful girls and sexuality make me feel safe, happy, at peace, ecstatic, it touches my heart and shows me God better than anything else. Because of that, focusing on those things is the perfect tool for me to help me surrender my life to God and reach fana. So I see physical beauty and sexuality differently than most people - to me it’s not just a shallow pleasure, it’s an expression of God, and to me it is an important spiritual tool. Here is my trip report: Last night I had the idea to take mescaline and go to a strip club. Intuitively it felt like the right thing to do, so I did it. I plugged 200mg of mescaline HCl, Ubered to a club I really like, and by the time I got there, the effects were fully on. I sat down and watched the stage, and I ended up doing that the whole night, only getting a dance at the end. It was a lot more entertaining watching the stage on mescaline. Usually I get bored of it and I’m just waiting for dances, but it was really amazing watching the strippers on the stage while high. They were beautiful and sexy and it really turned me on, and the feeling of the environment was great. I was just sat there in the same spot for hours, just taking in the energy of the place the whole time. I liked a lot of the music they played as well. It really added to the feeling of the place, and the beauty I could feel. The beautiful blonde girl on stage At one point there was this beautiful blonde girl on stage. She had her back leaned against the pole with her feet planted in front of her, and she moved her stomach up and down in waves, and it looked like a flag waving in the wind, and the whole thing fit perfectly with the song that was playing. The way she was moving her stomach like she was blowing in the wind gave her such an innocent and beautiful feel, along with the beautiful music that was playing, and the fact that it was a beautiful, sexy naked girl doing that in a strip club, it just made the beauty SO much stronger and deeper. The beauty of it sucked me in and it felt like it put me in a trans. For that moment I forgot that there was a real girl there, and as I got sucked into the experience, my own sense of self started to fade away, and it was like I was watching this beautiful scene occurring in the mind of God. It really felt like there was no self there - nobody on the stage, and nobody watching. It was just consciousness. It had such a deeply peaceful, innocent, beautiful, gentle feeling to it. I fell completely in love with it. I started to have such a deep desire to lose myself in it. It was like I wanted to place my life, my soul, my heart, into this moment, and let it dissolve into it and stay there in that heavenly moment forever. I am so sick of being a human, being in this life, having control, and being exhausted from this life I live. All I wanted was to completely surrender myself to this incredible beauty I was taking in and lose myself in it forever. This feeling started to get so deep that I felt like I wanted to regurgitate my heart out onto the floor, so my body and ego would fall away and die, and my heart could truly come alive. That way my heart could really be in love, it could merge and dissolve into everything beautiful I was experiencing around me, with nothing holding it back. This scene I was watching had no feeling of ‘self’ to it at all. The girl on stage did not feel like a real person. That sense of no self is what made the experience so deeply beautiful. I felt like if I merged with this experience, I would no longer have any sense of self, I’d have no thoughts, no sense of control, there would be no ‘doing’, just pure, innocent beauty. I wanted more than anything to lose myself and dissolve into that beauty. Watch this music video from 3:18 until the end. There are scenes of this blonde girl with her hair blowing in the wind. That was exactly the kind of beautiful, innocent feeling I experienced here, and with all sense of self fading away, it truly felt like an expression of God. Constantly wanting to lose myself in ecstasy This became a common theme throughout this whole trip - experiencing deeply beautiful and pleasurable things, and wanting so badly to lose myself and dissolve into them. It was like my heart was constantly looking for a moment of deep ecstasy to place itself into, so it could die to it and merge with it forever. This whole trip was deeply pleasurable. I have never had a psychedelic feel this ecstatic and pleasurable before, even though I have had sexual experiences like this on psychedelics in the past. I think it was the deep desire I had to lose myself that made it feel so good. I was constantly seeing God and deeply spiritual beauty and ecstasy in everything, and all I wanted to do was surrender to it and merge with it completely. The energy getting hype There was a time when the club got busier, the music got louder and more intense, the lights started flashing more aggressively, and the entire energy of the place got very intense. Usually something like this would make me uncomfortable, because it’s overstimulating, and I am quiet, shy, introverted, I was there alone, and on a psychedelic. Usually this would make me uncomfortable. But this time it didn’t at all. It felt like the more intense it got, the better it felt, because it was pulling me away from myself and I was merging into it. It felt amazing. There was a group of girls near the stage celebrating a birthday, and the stripper started shaking her ass in front of them really fast, and the girls were throwing money on her. They all looked so happy, the energy of the place felt so joyous and beautiful. I fell so deeply in love with it all, and I felt like I loved every person there. It was like this room I was in was the only thing that existed in reality, and it was nothing but fun, joy, happiness, love, beauty. Again, it gave me this feeling, “maybe I can place my soul and my life right here in this beautiful moment and keep it here forever?”. Every beautiful moment that happened this night made me want to dissolve myself into it, so that I could stay with that incredible beauty and pleasure forever, so it would never have to end. Talking to one of the waitresses Near the end, when the place was about to close, I wanted to get a lap dance with a specific girl, so I moved to a different spot and was waiting for her to pass by. One of the waitresses there was really pretty. I went up to her to ask what time they close, and I told her she was pretty. When I sat back down, I had the idea to ask for her number. I was unsure if that would be a good idea or not, because even though she’s a waitress, she works at a strip club, but I felt like I was actually so close to doing it, and I was so much less nervous than I usually am. It felt like because I was so surrendered to the universe’s guidance at that point, and I was just following how I felt, there was so much less resistance, fear and overthinking within me, and I felt like I could just go do what I wanted. Eventually I saw the girl I wanted a dance with, and after the dance I didn’t see the waitress so I just left, but it was amazing how little fear I had at that moment. Getting a lap dance I picked one of the hottest girls at the place and got a dance with her. We went in a private room and the dance started. We went for about 15 minutes. I had never met this girl before, and I didn’t tell her anything about what I liked, but she started doing all of my favourite things. She was grinding her ass on me, leaning back on me, putting her face right next to mine, moaning, touching my neck, moving her hands through my hair. She did a few different things in the beginning, but for the second half I got her to keep doing what I just described. It felt so good, her body was so nice, and it made it so much better that I was on mescaline. I could feel myself wanting to surrender and dissolve into the experience. As I got deeper and deeper into surrender, I could feel myself merging into the girl and becoming her. It was like steam was coming off my body, but instead of steam, it was my life, my soul, my essence leaving me and merging into this beautiful girl that was on top of me. The more deeply I left myself and became her, the better it felt, and that was the most enjoyable part of the whole dance. The fact that this girl did everything I liked so perfectly without me even telling her what I liked, it really felt like the universe was winking at me, like it created this experience for me on purpose, making it feel especially good so that I could surrender deeper, and see how good it could feel to totally let go. It was clear that this whole trip was not just for fun. The universe was doing deep and serious work on me, preparing my heart to merge with God. After the dance was done they were closing, so I left and went home. Conclusion This entire trip was deeply beautiful and amazing. There was so much divine pleasure and ecstasy within it, and I could feel myself falling in love with each moment and wanting to merge and dissolve into everything so badly. I feel withdrawal symptoms after it, like I wish I could be back there so badly, and I hate having to leave. I know that this withdrawal will help me with my progression towards fana and total surrender to God, because it will increase my desire for it even more. I think doing a mescaline trip at a strip club was an incredibly good idea for my development towards fana, considering how much beautiful girls and sexuality connect me to God. I think it was perfect for my personal spiritual path, and I only decided to do it based on intuition, so it’s clear that the universe purposely wanted me to do it.

Girl scout cookies

Garchomp, Flygon, Empoleon

Happy birthday @Leo Gura thanks for everything you do