Endangered-EGO

Okay, I am a pretty anxious person. All my fear went away the moment I was able to focus on infinity, but now I m honestly afraid of Kundalini, it made my face burn and my Body shake. However I believe the Kundalini stops rising once it sees that I am struggling with it. Is this possible?

I also take SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) in case that increases the danger. My psychiatrist would call that "Serotonin syndrome". I might have to go to the hospital just to be sure.

I think I shouldn't have focused too much on the spine energy, it suddenly moved up, I had pulsations of some sort in the body and some chakras. Did Grounding and an hour ago, my Body started shaking, it stopped, and now it started again then it stopped. I was told not to do it without supervision. Now people tell me I messed with things I shouldn t have messed with and that it can fuck up my nervous system. I am scared. Someone told me to "ask the energy to regulate itself so it is not too painful". Is it the only thing I can do? If it is too bad, I m either going to the hospital or going to take a benzo (prazepam). If it stays like that, I m probably not going to sleep, but nothing too bad will happen. My Body is shaking.

@Esoteric IS this video good too? I feel like I feel my blockages and the pulsations got stronger. Right now I m reading a book about enlightenment (from Leos Book list) Sorceres secrets might be the next one I read then.

@DreamScape If I focus on it, it makes the sensation stronger and very slowly move up, I can probably force it up with some breathing technique, but focusing on it might do the trick. Lets meditate for a few hours then. Since I have meditated on infinity, ALL my fears went away the next day because I realised the fear was rooted in the nothingness, I wonder what the Kundalini will do to me if it is actually going to happen. I am so curious...

@Iksander Any tingling sensation too? Try to put your access concentration on it, it amplifies every object of meditation

I feel this trembling stronger in my Body now. Sleeping might be hard, but I d love to experience it today haha.

Mentally I m okay with it, I already had multiple nondual experiences powered from fear, what can I say, I survived it lol. Maybe I shouldn t drive a car while its happening haha.

@purerogue Whats the worst thing that can happen?

Hello guys. A few years ago I had a panic attack from weed because of the experience of infinity/nothingness. Afterwards I was in the Dark Night of the Soul for about 6 months where I had an ego-death experience every evening. It felt like dying and having your soul ripped out of your Body, there is nothing I could do about it. The Ego backlash afterwards lasted for very long... Now I m able to focus on infinite consciousness (That's what I think it is) while meditating, and I m afraid of it, I fear it, I fear infinity and this night it came up again and it felt like I was in fucking hell. I tried to focus on it, but it was so painful, I had to distract myself after 20 seconds. Most of the time during meditation it just feels really strange, but not necessarily bad. However last night it was so painful my face started burning. Will I have to go through this Dark night again, and how should I continue? Definitely not psychedelics, that would put me through an infinite nightmare. Is this formless thing really what I think it is, or am I just crazy and deluding myself into twisting my mind to hell? Is it normal, that it literally feels like a timeless torture of the soul? Should I take a break or continue going through this torture until it rips my ego apart for good? This shit is truly disturbing, If I have to deal with this every night, I will go crazy before becoming enlightened...

There are 2 things you can develop that help in every practice. Concentration and Mindfullness. Concentration is needed to focus when something comes up, and mindfulness is needed to recognise something that comes up.

@Neph Do you care more about the truth or about your depression? Because Depression has a positive thing in the pursuit of the truth. However Seeking the truth might not necessarily help your depression in the short term if even long term. I m not sure if psychedelics are the magic pills against depression, but they can help some people sometimes. Never tried it myself though, so I can t say.

@Radical Is the perfect example on how we humans bullshit ourselves continuously. He used the qu'ran as an interpretation for his mystical experiences (if he had any), and tries to demonize spirituality, Gurus and enlightenment. Worst part of it, I'm probably doing this myself and I am not even conscious of it. Who knows, maybe he's right and we are all wrong? (Just kidding)

Okay, I m gonna respond to everyone simoultaneously: @electroBeam Yeah I meditated a lot, and during the day I am sometimes able to focus on the nothingness or on the infinity (more rarely) during the day. I am not currently in the dark night of the soul, because I'm just having glimpses at infinity/nothingness. I am not close to a full blown awakening with nonduality. Feeling the infinity during meditation increases the tranquillity of being, however during the night I was feeling nauseous and then infinity came up. Is it possible that it just amplifies all subjective feelings? So that infinity + some feeling/emotion equals infinite emotion? This is what we are supposed to do with love, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong. So basically I have to surrender to it totally, my attachements also come up after perceiving the infinity, I start to realise stuff. The bad part is, when I'm not feeling too good, and some nightmare comes up with infinity. I start to tell myself: I want to suffer if bad stuff happens I don't want to be happy if bad stuff happens, and this is causing me not to be able to surrender to it a 100percent either, I have to contemplate about that even more. @Leo Gura Yes, this stuff comes up usually during the day after meditation, I think meditation brings this up, and the awareness of it makes me contemplate it. Weird shit comes up. I realised all the anxiety I developed during the last years is based on the fear of the total nothingness. I think I should use the consciousness I gained to contemplate about the stuff that comes up, and slowly continue to increase the infinity during meditation. I also realised, that it's the same infinity that came up during fever dreams as a child, that's probably the source of the negative associations my ego has about the formless. I associate it with intense distress/pain/fear, because those were the first time they came up? @Inliytened1 I noticed that the nothingness and the infinity are formless. Now I make the distinction of it, because it just feels different, I believe the infinity facet is way stronger than the nothingness, I experienced those 2 things separately within consciousness/awareness. ( I just noticed you responded to Radical and not to me). I basically just had a glimpse at infinity, a few years ago I had a full blown nondual nothingness experience. (I don't know how to call it). Now some people say "dying" feels good, for me it didn't. The process of the nothingness taking over is disturbing and the few seconds it takes to take over seems sooo long. What aspect of it am I missing? The letting go? Could I just be crazy, and deluding myself into mystical stuff, because psychosis is similar to nondual experience? @remember Yes, I stopped smoking weed, The only reason I had an awakening experience in the first place, was because of the fear, that powered the focus on the subtle nothingness I experienced. I didn't have the Concentration necessary to focus on it back then. The fear made it possible. I rarely have emotions, I experienced something last time I went for a walk in the woods, I would love to be able to combine that with infinity. Rest of the day, I feel nothing, especially when a formless thing comes up. No joy, no sadness, no fear etc. Don't know if that's a good thing, but what can I do. Lol, I'm not sure thinking too much about this stuff is helping. The essence of the Problem is: It doesn't feel good, how can I make it feel good? Because it should feel good. I guess Love? If you guys know how to increase love I'm interested in specific meditations. I'm already using the techniques about Leo's What is Love Video, however I made the commitment to try everything

Man I hoped I had the same joy experiencing ego death, for me there was a lot of resistance and it felt like hell.