i am a 20 year old female about to turn 21 next year. growing up i was a pretty good kid, i was always seen as a generally smart kid who always got good grades and made my parents proud. I didn't party too hard expect get high on weed about once a week on friday/saturday nights after a weeks worth of studying. everyone had high hopes for me i had all A's in highschool and was entering a prestigious university for a competitive program. my weakness with school and generally everything in life was that i procrastinated a lot. it seems every year my procrastination got worse. by my first semester in university i got mostly D's and 1 A, i barely studied or went to class and just showed up to exams filling in random bubbles. The jump to university from highschool was huge in terms of workload and difficulty as well as the fact that i moved to a completely new town and knew no one. I also gained so much from overeating by the end of my first semester i was 20 pounds overweight. I felt extremely sad and lonely. I lied to my parents about my grades and figured second semester i would do better. I obviously didnt, my grades were too low and i got kicked out. i basically gave up on studying i wouldnt even bother and on my chemistry exam i didnt even bother shwoing up cause i already received my withdrawal letter. the school said that if i took a year off and did some online school and get B's i can get back in with a written letter about my issues and how i have improved. online school was ridiculously easy and barely any work compared to uni. but i still procrastinated soooo much that once again i was falling behind on everything and decided not to even write my exams because it was too late i wasnt gonna get B's to get back in uni. i am applying to enter back into uni next year and these failures have scared me enough to take online school seriously so i can get A's and get back to school but i just feeel like such a massive piece of useless shit. its not like im dumb or anything, i am so aware of the amazing potential i have. even when i barely tried in school and was getting 60's my peers were studying their asses off and getting the same marks as me. i have turned into such a lazy slob for the last 10 months i have done nothing but stay in bed glued to my laptop and eating junk and getting fat. not to mention i have wasted thousands of dollars of my student loan money and blew off everything. my dad is a taxi driver he cannot afford to have me impulsively spending everything. thats not even the worst part when i signed up for summer school in uni i applied for a student loan and got around 5 grand. i didnt tell my parents i got loan money so they paid for it while i blew all of that on clothes, skincare, food etc. even worse for the past 6 months i have been secretly stealing money from my parents bank account to pay off my credit card bill and my parents have no idea. i am drowing in guilt and the best way to clean my slate is to pay them back through getting a job but i cant even do that! im too scared and lazy to even start, eventually i will because my dad gave me a deadline to apply but i feel so bad. absolutely no one knows about this and i have just been pathologically lying to everyone about my life. I am not depressed and i have a huge vision for my future self but my self sabotage has escalated so much.
can someone please give me some practical life advice or just their general thoughts about my situation and what i should do
leo's videos have given me lots of inspiration but ive only made minor improvements, the only healthy habit ive been able to stick to is a daily 20 minute meditation i dont even brush my hair or shower everyday
thank you for reading all of this , this is the only time i've admitted to all of this
