wesyasz

So I rent a room in this house now. There is only one person staying in the same building to look after the place. He apparently like talking to me and taking every opportunity. Yesterday we've been talking in the kitchen while I was cooking and somehow we went onto his story when he had a surgery and he had his third heart stroke. He said that things became black and white and for a few seconds he was watching on that machine his heart beat turned into this straight line... And he suddenly felt s lot of bliss and became very peaceful. Welcome home, I thought. Another story. Yesterday I felt really wrong somehow I couldn't get up in the morning and also I couldn't focus and generally do anything. I went for a walk to meditate in the forest nearby which is noisy anyway. But on the way there was this dog really unfriendly and even attacky towards me. I have been just standing there watching him running around me and his owner couldn't take control of him. He said it's first time he behave like this. Must be something in me, I've replied. And indeed very different experience with the dog compared to my previous one when all I felt was love and peace.

If there would be only me then there would be no you to answer then .

Yes! But often, the sign too. @Nahm - because if this is just me, then nobody can answer it. Apart from me.

Interconnected? Or is it all just me? And none of you exist? Obviously, you cannot answer this question Nobody can...

My ego doesn't dismiss it. My ego is confused as fuck. I mean - does it show me that this is something I don't want? Or is it something I should go for? My signs has been mostly clear . And I do follow them, even though I'm scared. But some of them I do not know how should I interpret. So. Is this all just my fantasy land?

Yes. The only problem that sometimes arises is interpretation of the sign. And the question which sometimes you need to answer is... What is this trying to show me?

And to "What I See?" I need to add a thing. I have been browsing some random websites and on one of them, there was such a cool picture about ayahuasca ceremony. I found it really funny so I have even downloaded it. And a day later, which means, today, somebody has posted it on the aya group I belong to. These lovely coincidences.

I really want to Know. What this reality is. All this weird stuff happening and which I have been writing down here. I mean, some of this is so, so weird. What does it mean. What does it show? Yesterday all day I have been feeling amazing. It all felt just right. I felt I am capable of loving abolutely anything. I was happy watching myself putting my ego aside in order for benefit of others. Putting my most valuable desire aside in benefit of other. That made me happy. And in the evening hit of anxiety and a panic about myself just bombed me. Like, extremely different perspective on my behaviour. Which one is real? I guess, none. Just like a wave of bad emotions about me with not pleasant feeling in my head. I have had a coffee in the morning and been to sauna during the day. I don't know. What if all these good and bad moments is just an effect of supplements and other stuff I eat? Why can I put my existential crisis a little bit aside by having some cacao? (how silly it even sounds?). If this reality is not what I think it is. Wrong. There is no if. This reality is not what I think it is. Then what it is. What is. I have no energy to live much. Have got plans to go to India just because I have had a few signs. Then I was about to miss the ferry back to Europe. So I speed up. Had a car crash. Was I not meant to be on that ferry? And I stuck in this city to sort things with the car out. But it takes sooo long. Which led me to meeting her. And what do I do from now on? My mind doesn't even want to recently cooperate. No focus, no creativity. A lot of tiredness. And I even struggle to meditate now. Because I cannot stop thinking of her.

To add on to it I have borrowed a book from her. She just handed me a few and I have felt that this is the one I need to read. I just read it now. It's about coincidences, guidance by intuition and weird things which are appearing to show you the way. Subtle synchronisations that can appear out of the blue and in a second change the direction of your entire path. Sort of my topic here. What a coincidence, once again.

Why the stories she tells me sounds like my own stories? Completely random and unimportant, I may think. But why she also get these Chinese herbs? Why she tell me same funny story about dentist that I have just experienced? Why she also discovered XC skiing, also last year? I mean. A few months back I have made a note for myself which have consisted also with the sentence "kill your fucking ego and dance on it's grave". This girl is actually an artist who's one of the exhibition was literally a grave she made for the ego ? What is this trying to show me? How is this possible out of 8 billions people she just appears with same stories to tell? Is she out of my imagination too? How come it all went so fast with us? I have to admit though that I am scared of how hungry of this intimacy I was. Like... why?!

How much do we really create our reality when we still our mind? Once before I meditate I have set an intention about how to brake through the layers that girl wears and how to melt them and get closer to create connection. And it did actually visualised during my mediation. Yesterday, things went exactly as I have imagined it. I mean, the part about softening the barriers. It's beautiful when you get through all of this closer to the true being of another one. But also funny thing has happened at night I have woke up next to her and for a good 10 seconds my mind was completely off. I wasn't sure what reality I woke up to, I wasn't sure where I am or if she is the same person I have been with last night and actually what exactly had happened. I was really tired after previous night (been out at night and slept only an hour) and after lots of stimulants to stay awake (couple of coffees and a white tea). But still, it felt weird and wonder what exactly had happened. It did happened before in my life also when my sleep patterns were rough but this time it persisted longer than couple of seconds.

Does cacao actually raise level of consciousness?

Side effects?

Poland right now. I wish to meet in person somebody from the forum

I guess shattering my mind. Living out of heart space. Being Love, not fear. Being able to see the beauty of everything? Sort of what you experience on lsd . Just being satisfied and filled with being.

Not so fast... But thank you for your post I am getting really, really tired. Tired of people, tired of this whole awakening thing. There are moments when I feel really close. Then it feels like I will never get it. Feel frustrated like Buddha who decided he's gonna sit under that tree until he gets enlightened. Everyday I am waking up tired. Maybe I am just addicted myself to cacao or I am not drinking enough water? But I guess it's just nothing that makes me much excited to wake up into. My ego got involved in chasing awakening . And basic ego loneliness I guess. It was actually quite a nice and sunny day today, which doesn't happen often but I didn't felt like getting out anywhere alone. Before I have planned to spend the weekend in the mountains with a girl I met recently but she cancelled that yesterday as she had something to sort out today at the end. So we gonna meet tomorrow I guess. So on that lovely sunny day today I have just shut the curtains on the windows and meditate. I didn't even eat or drink anything. Not much happened though. I was meditating for a few hours and couple of times I just felt joy and love pouring from the base a little bit up to my heart level space and it was pretty nice, but my ego obviously got on the way wondering how to hold onto it and keep it. I also realised that the joy and pleasure feeling comes out when I erase all resistance thorough my body. ALL resistance. I even sometimes imagine when lying down for some time without any movement that I am just become one with the earth, plants are growing all over my body and all the insect just get onto it. Like, becoming one with everything. And then it joy, love and pleasure emerge very intensely. Am I actually fucked up? . Well, few hours of meditation which stopped being meditation after a while and became pursuing the way to become love left my tired, depressed and lonely again. Ego not satisfied. I don't really know why am I writing this here because it is not the contect I have been planning to write in here, but feel like I need to. The other question that has arised recently is... Is it only me this way or is it just the way it is? Like... Do I actually exist? I do feel I exist when I am engaged in something - listening to music, reading, eating, talking, interacting, planning, working, whatever. Doing, in general. But when I sit alone in an empty room in a silence I do not feel existing. I just feel emptiness. And it is not a nice feeling. Is it what it is? I do feel existing when the silence is alive, like being out in the nature, the emptiness which is filling me is completely different. So this is way I also have stayed in today. I have set a mission to myself to be happy and whole even sitting in this empty, silent room. And I don't know if this is actually right thing I am doing. I am also feeling like I am on a crossroad. I feel like in order to pursue awakening from all of this I have to give up on this life. And there is part of me that wants to go out and enjoy life. Take my bicycle and just cycle around this planet for example. Just enjoy life. I also feel happier when I focus on my dreams and life in general. And there is other part of me that says that if I want to wake up I need to give up on everything if I doesn't want to get through this lifetime after lifetime. Part of me which wants to awake, part of me which wants to just enjoy life. I'm lost as fuck ,

From what I understood the most powerful healing is through love. So you need a realization of your true nature which is love itself and that should heal you and you may be able to heal others. About manipulating part, from my own brake through experience my insight was that the only choice we really have is to base our decisions on either love or fear.

Does anyone has some more online technique guidance or yt vids?

Hey, So I have been reading for past few weeks that book called The Zen of Love which was just pure essence of what my inner introspection has guided me months ago, which was amazing. I even have got elevated consciousness one evening to small awakening but it's all gone, the book is finished and I just wonder if I keep reading it over and over will likely lead to permanent understanding of reality? Thanks.

Has anyone have had similar experience? I often feel very conscious in the evening for variety of reasons and then I go to sleep to wake up in the morning in completely different realm. Any ideas how to work with that? Any possibility to change it? Is it uncoscious stirring me up overnight? Dreams? I'm not gonna lie, it's annoying :).

Illness, horrible heartbreak, suicidal thoughts. Eckhart Tolle, first lsd, meditation. Watching crazy synchronicites, my thoughts almost materialising in front of me, few small awakenings while sober, watching how reality is mirroring my emotional state, watching reality in general. Extreme awakening on mushrooms. Now slowly working my way up without any substances. Apart from cacao . All in a space of just 9 months.

I did mushrooms only one single time and I actually have died and woke up, forgot this reality, forgot myself, forgot everything. Woke up to God imagining this. Smoked weed before many times with never much out of it . So it really depends.

Thank you all for your input! @inFlow I actually think it is the opposite. I feel much more conscious after the day, especially if I am tired after for example climbing session followed by yoga. And especially if there was not much sleep previous night. I think mind is just tired and is giving up! Then I am more conscious if I sleep less than when I sleep more. Bad sleeping pattern along with ego backlash might be both right too. I am going to sleep quite late and I am trying to wake up everyday at 6 to start my day early with meditation but my body is recently very tired and I hardly ever manage to get up that early. I don't even remember when I switch off alarm clock. And then I wake up quite tired and take me a while to get out of bed. But it's also major changes and difficult challanges in my life so I guess it's just temporary and I hope that tiredness and lack of motivation will pass eventually.

I knew. Me is an illusion. I was and is right. Me is confused. I knows. Me plays that it knows. Me is trying to kill I. I need to kill me. I is freedom. Me is prison. That few lines sounds like insane person, but it actually makes a lot of sense.

I have managed to get back into my yoga and meditation routine, need to bring back reiki and energetic massage today. It feels good. Today after morning meditation and book I did felt glowing and I was smiling for no reason. A lot of joy. Just went for a walk to collect a parcel and there was a dog in one of the houses garden barking at me. I just looked into his eyes with all my love and being one that he just melted away. I have never seen such a confused animal in my life. He looked scared, innocent, confused and friendly all at once. - you are not as threatening and scary as you thought, huh? He curled his tail underneath him and took few steps back, then slowly I convinced him to trust and come closer. On my way back there were little girls amusing him already and he looked as friendly and loving as dog can get. So called "dangerous", previously dog I love animals. Honestly.