wesyasz

Maybe you are right, but I personally would appreciate someone telling my that sort of advice about meditation if it's going to help me. No more advice but know that I genuinely wish you all the best with your goal whatever it is .

Ok, that stuff is getting heavy. I the moment I left the question in my previous post I left tearoom I was sitting at and went towards the city centre. I went into bookstore to see if there won't be any book which I will feel pulled towards. But I didn't meant to look too much just see if there really will be anything that steal my attention. As previously when that girl handled me a few books and I felt which one I wish to borrow. And once I have finished it, I knew why it supposed to be this one. But there was nothing in the bookstore so I have left and continued my walk. I have started wondering how would that feel if the light would literally shined through this illusion. And that moment the guy appeared right in front of me and gave me a book without any word out of the blue. And he said it's about a woman who used to live in India and about living in higher level of consciousness. And he said they print it themselves and I can pay him as much as I want. And I was just standing there looking at him like on someone who came from the other planet with my eyes wide open and I have just started trying to tell him how amazing it is and...... and he just smiled and said - there is no coincidences ?. And as I said thank you and started to walk away towards main square the song from the Christmas Market was playing - it was "Imagine" from John Lennon...... same song I was listening to a few times this morning (or last evening, cannot remember, anyway). My eyes were filled with tears I cannot explain. Also I felt from my body that it asks for some nutrition as my diet wasn't the greatest recently. I really felt like eating some cheese. I even thought to eat some paneer dish in some Indian place. But then I'm trying to eat vegan... But I never found vegan "cheese" in this city with clean ingredients. And all of the sudden I found myself in this recently opened organic store and there was this beautiful "cheese" made out of cashew nuts.... with so, so clean ingredients! Well, but that is just nothing compared to the previous thing. But felt obligated to mention it in my what I see list. This is getting radiciulous.

Thought has arised in my mind that I should go to the parcel box to collect the parcel I am waiting for. Not even 2 seconds later sms has came that it is right now on the way there. I mean. It's cool. It's fun. It really is fascinating. But does it really matter? Does it change anything? Does it make my life any more bearable?

I shouldn't do any psychedelics now. I believe I have had a car crash to get rid of what I have possessed. I disposed it just in case before anyone showed up. Then I was looking for some, but empire market didn't work for a few weeks. This girl showed up. I was trying to order some mushrooms/lsd through it as it suddenly started working. Got to the phished site somehow and sent money to the fake bitcoin address. Lost the money. Open your eyes! It clearly tells you it is not the way now.

You drink everyday. This is alcoholism. Sometimes saying truth straight into face is best intention and out of love. If you don't want any input from other people why do you write journal which is public? Nothing to do with Lynnel here.

I think Lynnel was just trying to be helpful

How is this possible to be on the edge of suicide and even imagining oneself jumping off the highest building with all the sensations and smile on the face... ...just to find out a moment later how fascinating all this life game is. Little signs create some sort of feeling and curiosity about what all this is and where it leads. There is a few numbers that come and go all the time since I realized they show up from time to time. But couple of numbers that are repeating consistently since half a year are 33 and 67.Everywhere. Why? Don't know. I just turned 33 by the way. 67 been with me all the time though. Once I realized that reality is connected with my mind I even tried to do "reality checks". Once I was driving home and I thought, ok, let's see if I think about some number and it will be on the next car licence plate. So I thought 67. There were 2 cars coming from opposite direction. First has got 66 and the next one 68. I have found instagram of the girl I have mentioned above.

Can someone put in other words?

You won't care, so don't worry about that .

I have been on psytrance party couple of weeks ago. There was a girl dancing next to me for quite a bit of time. She kept my attention as she was dancing basically all the time for many hours on that carpet which I Iiked too. And there was just something about her that made her way into my mind. I went on Tinder to meet some people as I'm in this city now and don't know many people -800 000 population- and there was a match today. We started having conversation. Just guess who she is.... ??????????? Now she wants to trip together. I have no questions about this reality. IS THIS REALLY ALL JUST MY CREATION? How do I get out of this deep hole I am at right now then?

All I do is just try to remind myself this is all just a dream. I am watching yt video with Paul Levy and I have just got realization I would really like to find some like-minded community who is about waking up and navigating through this dream. Otherwise I may leave it soon. So I go into workaway website to have a look what's in there in my country and the very first listing title starts just like that: "Become a part of the dream (...)". I don't know how to change the course of my circumstances, how to control this experience. Otherwise I feel trapped. I feel I keep myself in a prison and I cannot do anything about that.

I'm afraid I'm having enough. I don't think I have much energy left. Feels like it's time to leave this place soon, whatever all this is.

-- -- -- --

Sounds softened. Mind slowed down. Some calmness filled my body within. I have stopped in the middle of human wave going in all directions in the center of christmas market. Thought have found the way. I have stopped wanting. Meaningless and sense of emptiness of life brought me home. Something died to create stillness from emptiness. And it's neither happiness nor sadness. Neither gain nor loss. I just am. And there is nothing else.

She have said she need time. So I just leave it up to her. But I'm leaving next week so I went to give her book back. I thought I will just leave it next to her door, so if she prefers to not see me now then it's right way to do it. But I have had trouble to get into the building . I wondered if anyone will go in or out so I can sneak in. I have been waiting for a while. I looked at the clock. 11:10. Beautiful, 11:11 means that in one minute somebody will walk out of the building. So I have been just waiting, convinced what is going to happen. In 30 seconds somebody just walked out the door. I smiled and went inside.

So Im after looong and intense relationship. I mean INTENSE. Like being one for over 10 years and doing all together fulfilling dreams together etc. It somehow ended and I'm trying really hard to let go. But she's like coming into me in my dreams at night it's like getting through this brake up over and over and over again. I've just woke up after dreaming third night in a row of her and today it was like dream of packing up and sorting things just before splitting. And even things like saying my father never liked you. And it's like wtf at first he always liked me at second I don't even care because I never liked him I cannot be tortured by these dreams any more it's messing my mind up. Is there any way to just LET GO? I have enough of this.

5 pieces of dark chocolate 95% and my fear is gone. What does it mean.

I am going to India on my own. Scared of being alone as fuck. It's irrational, I know. I travelled the world. Literally. Hitch-hiked dozens of thousands kilometers across the globe. Cycled length of equator around Asia. But not on my own. I'm afraid of loneliness. I am everything. I am never alone. Keep reminding to myself...

Thanks for all this. I know conceptually it was an illusion, though it's my mind who doesn't know what illusion is, is playing it. And after over 10 years when most of the time we have been travelling the world together, meaning being together 24/7, and not seeing each other for maybe a week all accumulated together is pretty tough stuff as you can imagine . Honestly there was no distinction between me and her for that period so you can imagine how it feels now. I'm still feeling I'm doing pretty well still being here and even overcoming this into being happy.

Yes. Thank you. I'm just finding out being human is not as easy as I thought for previous 30 years. But if she's coming tonight I swear I write to her to fuck off .

You are not alone. I am at whis war right now between what I call "me" and "I". For example tonight I feel I am pure love. I love everything and everyone. I truly love you! But somehow it probably won't last. But I think it may gradually build and build until the other one is less and less until finally defeated. Don't know, but that is my only hope.

I went to breath ceremony. Itself it was an amazing experience actually and I am surprised how great it was. I feel sooo peaceful afterwards. But it's a different story. We supposed to introduce ourselves in the beginning and there was a girl who said she lives here but she would love to live closer to forest. Which already placed my focus on her. After the event we all have been hugging each other. I did particularly enjoyed hugging her. Just right energy. But then she left, so we just said bye. Went to a tram station, walked into the tram and she was there. But I still couldn't convince myself to invite her for a tea or something, as I felt a little bit tired and dizzy after the event. But then she was even leaving on the same tram stop. And you know what. I just watched her go. I'm hopeless ?. She even looked like visualisation of the girl Im penpalling with! Eh me have won with I today. What a shame ?? Part of the process I guess. Next time it won't finish like this ?. But what is even more amazing I have been reading this book yesterday and there was a thread about recognizing synchronicites and main character couldn't recognize when the sign in form of people appeared because he was too scared of negative outcome. It's really all just me. Giving signs to myself. Time to learn to recognize fear and always act in the name of love.

Thanks! I was even thinking to write to her to stop visiting me at night! ??

Thanks a lot for your advice. I do not contact her. Neither watch. I try to focus on myself, my own life and I even met someone new. And I also acknowledge worse times. The problem is it has been only good times. Apart from last few months. Anyway I am doing ok during the day but how can I go on if I dream at night of her and the moment of saying bye? And it's like three nights in a row? Can you ever say bye, really to someone you merged into one for nearly half of your life? The only way to truly forget is to die. So that's not the way. It's more like how to integrate and make peace with it? I so not even wake up that troubled as before but still, it's annoying and unbalancing my already unstable balance.

That is literally first thing I have ever painted in my life. With my shaking hands the chances for a good one are rather unlikely, but it's fun trying and watching what comes out.