wesyasz

How is this possible to be on the edge of suicide and even imagining oneself jumping off the highest building with all the sensations and smile on the face... ...just to find out a moment later how fascinating all this life game is. Little signs create some sort of feeling and curiosity about what all this is and where it leads. There is a few numbers that come and go all the time since I realized they show up from time to time. But couple of numbers that are repeating consistently since half a year are 33 and 67.Everywhere. Why? Don't know. I just turned 33 by the way. 67 been with me all the time though. Once I realized that reality is connected with my mind I even tried to do "reality checks". Once I was driving home and I thought, ok, let's see if I think about some number and it will be on the next car licence plate. So I thought 67. There were 2 cars coming from opposite direction. First has got 66 and the next one 68. I have found instagram of the girl I have mentioned above.

Can someone put in other words?

You won't care, so don't worry about that .

I have been on psytrance party couple of weeks ago. There was a girl dancing next to me for quite a bit of time. She kept my attention as she was dancing basically all the time for many hours on that carpet which I Iiked too. And there was just something about her that made her way into my mind. I went on Tinder to meet some people as I'm in this city now and don't know many people -800 000 population- and there was a match today. We started having conversation. Just guess who she is.... ??????????? Now she wants to trip together. I have no questions about this reality. IS THIS REALLY ALL JUST MY CREATION? How do I get out of this deep hole I am at right now then?

All I do is just try to remind myself this is all just a dream. I am watching yt video with Paul Levy and I have just got realization I would really like to find some like-minded community who is about waking up and navigating through this dream. Otherwise I may leave it soon. So I go into workaway website to have a look what's in there in my country and the very first listing title starts just like that: "Become a part of the dream (...)". I don't know how to change the course of my circumstances, how to control this experience. Otherwise I feel trapped. I feel I keep myself in a prison and I cannot do anything about that.

I'm afraid I'm having enough. I don't think I have much energy left. Feels like it's time to leave this place soon, whatever all this is.

Sounds softened. Mind slowed down. Some calmness filled my body within. I have stopped in the middle of human wave going in all directions in the center of christmas market. Thought have found the way. I have stopped wanting. Meaningless and sense of emptiness of life brought me home. Something died to create stillness from emptiness. And it's neither happiness nor sadness. Neither gain nor loss. I just am. And there is nothing else.

She have said she need time. So I just leave it up to her. But I'm leaving next week so I went to give her book back. I thought I will just leave it next to her door, so if she prefers to not see me now then it's right way to do it. But I have had trouble to get into the building . I wondered if anyone will go in or out so I can sneak in. I have been waiting for a while. I looked at the clock. 11:10. Beautiful, 11:11 means that in one minute somebody will walk out of the building. So I have been just waiting, convinced what is going to happen. In 30 seconds somebody just walked out the door. I smiled and went inside.

So Im after looong and intense relationship. I mean INTENSE. Like being one for over 10 years and doing all together fulfilling dreams together etc. It somehow ended and I'm trying really hard to let go. But she's like coming into me in my dreams at night it's like getting through this brake up over and over and over again. I've just woke up after dreaming third night in a row of her and today it was like dream of packing up and sorting things just before splitting. And even things like saying my father never liked you. And it's like wtf at first he always liked me at second I don't even care because I never liked him I cannot be tortured by these dreams any more it's messing my mind up. Is there any way to just LET GO? I have enough of this.

5 pieces of dark chocolate 95% and my fear is gone. What does it mean.

I am going to India on my own. Scared of being alone as fuck. It's irrational, I know. I travelled the world. Literally. Hitch-hiked dozens of thousands kilometers across the globe. Cycled length of equator around Asia. But not on my own. I'm afraid of loneliness. I am everything. I am never alone. Keep reminding to myself...

Thanks for all this. I know conceptually it was an illusion, though it's my mind who doesn't know what illusion is, is playing it. And after over 10 years when most of the time we have been travelling the world together, meaning being together 24/7, and not seeing each other for maybe a week all accumulated together is pretty tough stuff as you can imagine . Honestly there was no distinction between me and her for that period so you can imagine how it feels now. I'm still feeling I'm doing pretty well still being here and even overcoming this into being happy.

Yes. Thank you. I'm just finding out being human is not as easy as I thought for previous 30 years. But if she's coming tonight I swear I write to her to fuck off .

You are not alone. I am at whis war right now between what I call "me" and "I". For example tonight I feel I am pure love. I love everything and everyone. I truly love you! But somehow it probably won't last. But I think it may gradually build and build until the other one is less and less until finally defeated. Don't know, but that is my only hope.

I went to breath ceremony. Itself it was an amazing experience actually and I am surprised how great it was. I feel sooo peaceful afterwards. But it's a different story. We supposed to introduce ourselves in the beginning and there was a girl who said she lives here but she would love to live closer to forest. Which already placed my focus on her. After the event we all have been hugging each other. I did particularly enjoyed hugging her. Just right energy. But then she left, so we just said bye. Went to a tram station, walked into the tram and she was there. But I still couldn't convince myself to invite her for a tea or something, as I felt a little bit tired and dizzy after the event. But then she was even leaving on the same tram stop. And you know what. I just watched her go. I'm hopeless ?. She even looked like visualisation of the girl Im penpalling with! Eh me have won with I today. What a shame ?? Part of the process I guess. Next time it won't finish like this ?. But what is even more amazing I have been reading this book yesterday and there was a thread about recognizing synchronicites and main character couldn't recognize when the sign in form of people appeared because he was too scared of negative outcome. It's really all just me. Giving signs to myself. Time to learn to recognize fear and always act in the name of love.

Thanks! I was even thinking to write to her to stop visiting me at night! ??

Thanks a lot for your advice. I do not contact her. Neither watch. I try to focus on myself, my own life and I even met someone new. And I also acknowledge worse times. The problem is it has been only good times. Apart from last few months. Anyway I am doing ok during the day but how can I go on if I dream at night of her and the moment of saying bye? And it's like three nights in a row? Can you ever say bye, really to someone you merged into one for nearly half of your life? The only way to truly forget is to die. So that's not the way. It's more like how to integrate and make peace with it? I so not even wake up that troubled as before but still, it's annoying and unbalancing my already unstable balance.

That is literally first thing I have ever painted in my life. With my shaking hands the chances for a good one are rather unlikely, but it's fun trying and watching what comes out.

So I rent a room in this house now. There is only one person staying in the same building to look after the place. He apparently like talking to me and taking every opportunity. Yesterday we've been talking in the kitchen while I was cooking and somehow we went onto his story when he had a surgery and he had his third heart stroke. He said that things became black and white and for a few seconds he was watching on that machine his heart beat turned into this straight line... And he suddenly felt s lot of bliss and became very peaceful. Welcome home, I thought. Another story. Yesterday I felt really wrong somehow I couldn't get up in the morning and also I couldn't focus and generally do anything. I went for a walk to meditate in the forest nearby which is noisy anyway. But on the way there was this dog really unfriendly and even attacky towards me. I have been just standing there watching him running around me and his owner couldn't take control of him. He said it's first time he behave like this. Must be something in me, I've replied. And indeed very different experience with the dog compared to my previous one when all I felt was love and peace.

If there would be only me then there would be no you to answer then .

Yes! But often, the sign too. @Nahm - because if this is just me, then nobody can answer it. Apart from me.

Interconnected? Or is it all just me? And none of you exist? Obviously, you cannot answer this question Nobody can...

My ego doesn't dismiss it. My ego is confused as fuck. I mean - does it show me that this is something I don't want? Or is it something I should go for? My signs has been mostly clear . And I do follow them, even though I'm scared. But some of them I do not know how should I interpret. So. Is this all just my fantasy land?

Yes. The only problem that sometimes arises is interpretation of the sign. And the question which sometimes you need to answer is... What is this trying to show me?

And to "What I See?" I need to add a thing. I have been browsing some random websites and on one of them, there was such a cool picture about ayahuasca ceremony. I found it really funny so I have even downloaded it. And a day later, which means, today, somebody has posted it on the aya group I belong to. These lovely coincidences.