wesyasz

Hello, By the end of 2019 I have met a girl similar age to me and suddenly we have crushed on each other badly. I mean... I was going to India in a 10 days time from the day we met and we have been seeing each other every single of these 10 days and couldn't stop looking in each other eyes, talk and touch and basically disappeared for each other. We have had mad sex and there were times when I honestly couldn't tell where me was ending and where her was beginning. We have also tripped together on small dose of mushrooms which accidently I appeared to be in possession of (long, strange story full of synchronicities too) and during the trip I have had a realization that I have seen her before and that was during my previous and only one before mushroom trip and she woke me up there (intense, including death, 5g of dry psilocybe hawaii). And after trip I have had such a strong feeling we have met before long time ago (previous life time, whatever?). Also what I have realized (or imagine to realize?) was that her purpose was to wake me up and the moment it happened she was winking to me and then she let me have impression that was her purpose to wake me up and she have even said she suppose to wear pirates eye patch... It was like she took me to different dimension or woke me up to one. And in that moment I truly believed that all that is is the game where we just play in entire universe who is going to trick and wake up the other... Strange. I also have felt like she's hypnotizing me by being repetitive. I have also felt like I have seen devil in her, yet I do not know if that was her or her as a mirror of me. There was many, many weird synchronicities going on between us when I was still home, like texting each other in the same time or talking topics that I have had in my head and suddenly she was bringing it up and she still does that. And many more I do not remember now. Also she seems a bit dependant and clingy, bit it isn't so much of a big deal to me as I know how to remain my space (from what she says she has had difficult past being abused) and also has been diagnosed with bpd, yet I do not believe in labeling anyone but I am aware of what it is. The reason I am writing about this is the fact that even though she seems like she need attention and is a little bit needy, then all of sudden she text me something which leaves me utterly mind fucked and makes me feel like she is playing with me all this time. Like she knows more, sees more and only play that little lost girl when she actually is something else. For example she keeps sending me these spirals all the time, which she says she have been seeing a lot during her life. Yesterday I was sitting in cafe and I have realized there is a spiral shape on a napkin holder and for a few seconds I thought to send it to her. But it was too far to make a picture and later I forgot. And today before she left when we were chatting she have sent me a picture of napkin holder with spiral shape on it... And said bye! Other times I realized wind outside my window, thought about that and a few seconds later she have texted me... "I Can hear the wind...". And many, many more like this. Anything I think of about two of us she brings up in next conversation. Also few days ago she suddenly started conversation about my trust towards her when I was thinking about all this and who the hell she is. It mostly happen when she gives me these mindfucks when she smoke weed (she does a lot). Seems to be different when she doesn't. So my point is, any clue how should I get on with this? I am actually a bit afraid of her yet I feel drown to her as mad. I do see some characteristics within her which I have or I actually did have and may be that that this is something trying to hold me in my previous schemes, some attachment or "old me" that is trying to hold me to not let go of it, ego trying to survive? She also send me things like the word "Przenikam" which consist of our both online nicknames, her Nika inside mine Przem. And the meaning of the word is basically fading and overlapping in each other to become one. Sort of "absorbing" "overlapping" and "penetrating". Can't find exact other English word with similar meaning. The point of this is, is it just reality giving me a clue that we are one and it is just me, aspect of me maybe? Or what? I heard life is giving you a signs and clues all the time yet we do not pay attention and/or are not conscious enough. Or is it just my story I build up? I am really lost and confused with this. Any insights? Sorry if this is a little chaotic but hope it make some sense.

She has just sent me a picture of napkins stand with spiral shape inside of it. Wouldn't be anything special about it, if not the fact that I have seen similar yesterday and thought to send it to her but never made a picture...

Exactly how it is. I have died after 5g of dried mushrooms and my ego was terrified for a short moment and panicked but it happened so qucikly and actually it had nothing to say than just watch it literally dissolve into everything.

Right, let's go back into here as I was too busy recently to keep this journal up. I have met a girl which I found extremally strong connection with. So did she. And there is a lot, lot, lot of synchronicities going on with her. We have met through letter app and it suppose to be just another letter exchange with strangers as I am trying to make some connections with people from every different part of the world to find somebody who I can exchange experience with what I am getting through. Yet it became very weird very quickly, as even one night I have been sending her a letter late at night (between 2 and 3am) to find out next day that she has woke up for a short period of time and sent me a letter in exactly same time without knowing of mine coming her way (it takes few hours to arrive). Then we found out she was living actually just a 50 miles away from me and couple of days later we have been sitting having coffee together. Something just clicked and I have actually left her at 7am in the morning after talking for the entire night. Then there were a few times when after some time of silence I was opening whatsapp to text her and the moment I was about to write she was texting me. Then I was thinking of something and she was texting me starting conversation about it. Now I am in India, we still stay in touch and one day I was sitting in silence and first time I have noticed wind blowing outside and I thought about it, she texted me: "I can hear the wind". Then I was watching Mooji video on youtube in the morning and I was wondering if I should send it to her, in the afternoon she actually send it to me! I watch entire row of shelves full of Osho books in the city and later on that day she asks me what do I think about Osho... Anything sits in my mind she brings it up. It is really, really weird and intense. I'm actually pretty overwhelmed. And about India. When I first felt I should come here when I still has been living in Scotland I have started seeing 33's just about everywhere. Then on the way to airport - I was hitchhiking - there were 33's literally everywhere. Even road to the airport was 33, gate I was using to enter the connection airport was 33, number next to my visa number is 33...like, literally. And to sum it up...

What mind?

Also the driver from blablacar I was travelling with has been telling me that he ate some mushrooms in spring. Then I realized why I have been travelling with him. I have came into possession from him of enough mushrooms for a trip with this girl. I have collected them from little box next to his place and the number of his building was 7B. And I remember it was 7B, because I couldn't find it when I was about to meet him for that blablacar ride! I could only find 7A or 7D! Coincidence? Of course not! I suppose to remember it! Today I went to some healthy food store to collect some artichokes and millet-buckwheat bread. We had a nice conversation and I asked if they possibly have ashwagandha, but they didn't and somehow we started talking about health benefits of mushrooms -reishi, cordyceps etc.- and they told me about mushroom coffee which someone is planning to start selling and that he describe feeling after like the feeling from the movie Limitless where the guy take a drug and get into God mode. Yeah we all know this She also told me about bacopa which I "accidentally" placed my attention on in the next store... I am not watching many movies these days but I needed to relax. I also actually felt more relaxed than usually after that bacopa. So I decided to watch that movie. In the movie, the guy took a drug... Felt like God. Yeah, I remember the feeling after my first LSD. Then he went to the flat of the guy who sold it to him. Guess the number of the flat. 7B. I honestly don't know how to navigate through this "new" reality but it certainly makes me mindfucked. I need to get what is this all telling me, yet I know I am not conscious enough to get it. And all I wanted to do was one evening when I can relax and watch a movie without all this.

I still have trouble in deciding which direction really I should go. And all these signs which are very overwhelming. Should I follow my guess or should I follow the signs? I've been walking through the mist which covered the city entirely yesterday. If you really guide me, whoever you are, whatever it is... give me a sign... once again...I have asked. Immediately bus number 111 has passed me from the opposite direction. My mind is having a hard time, that's for sure .

Yada yada hi dharmasya

Maybe will try next time. Need to do some more research as I don't want to hurt myself neither .

I didn't prepare anything special. Just always broke the fast with couple liters of lemon water and eat an hour or two later. Last time it was vegan sushi . Last dry fast was 60 hours. I am wondering now if making 10 days of water fast combined with homemade vipassana kind of retreat would make some sense.

Not really. I am actually wondering if there is something wrong with me and I am not aware of some things happening within my body or just not much is changing in fact. After my previous dry fasts I have had quite a bad diarrhea after first meal. But this time was different and not much happened.

I think deciding where your attention goes change a lot of your thinking patterns. What sort of music you listen to, what content online you are feeding yourself, what kind of people you spend your time with, what activities you spend your time doing. What sort of food you eat. Spending more time in nature. Basically what you feed yourself with on body, mind and soul levels. Meditation for sure is beneficial. That's how I see it .

No it didn't felt hard at all. I was even wondering to keep going longer. My purpose is to improve my health and mental clarity. My first and second dry fast were difficult. (36 and 40h). But my diet was much worse and also mindset have been entirely different.

I do dry fasting every so often, last one about a week ago and it was 60hrs. I do not see much difference or benefit though. I have also done 5 days water fast, again, not much out of it (which I am aware of).

I am mostly vegan but at the place I'm renting there was some butter in the fridge. When I was visiting Chinese medicine doctor last year she have said to eat some butter as it's good fat for the body. So I have been stealing a little bit every so often. It's been left there I don't know if that was anyones. And yesterday I just finished that package as I was leaving. I thought to myself that it probably isnt right thing to do as it is certainly stealing but in the same time I told myself that it isn't a big deal and to don't be paranoid. I'm reading this book now on the way to Munich. If appeal to steal wouldn't exist in Absolute Truth, how could that exist within us? Krsna became famous as a butter thief.

I have used blablacar today to travel. Not to mention how much we have had in common with the driver but he also have done two Vipassana retreats this year. We have been talking a lot about different aspects of life and I have mentioned my story with the book. And he said that's good Jehovah's witnesses haven't catched you! And I have said that it's a lot of them around my neighbourhood and actually I don't know much about them. And all I know that people are annoyed that they visit them but who knows maybe they just want to spread peace and love. And he said yeah, that's right I have said that but I don't know much neither. And the other passenger from the back, quiet until now. Sorry to interrupt you, I'm on my headphones but some keywords have been approaching me from time to time, and actually, I am Jehovah's witness.

New. Last thing has been closed. My past is behind. Chapter finished. New city where I know no one. New me. Lying on my bed looking at the ceiling while listening music. It's perfect. I'm perfect. I don't need anything. I'm not attached to anything. Don't need to achieve anything. For a while, I'm nobody. It feels good.

For some, getting best life possible would be not tracking nor planning anything . Very personal, as you have said.

What if, what if. What if comforting someone isn't progressing someone? Somebody told me once that its best and quickest way go get somebody out of something and progress if you stop comforting them and kick them straight in the ass. I couldn't understand until it worked on me. I rather being kick in the ass to meditate more and see some real progress than float around 10 minutes with little to no effect and being comforted by others. If you want to use meditation example. But it's my experience and my personal opinion only. Let's leave it aside maybe for now as we are taking space of what suppose to be somebody else's journal .

Maybe you are right, but I personally would appreciate someone telling my that sort of advice about meditation if it's going to help me. No more advice but know that I genuinely wish you all the best with your goal whatever it is .

Ok, that stuff is getting heavy. I the moment I left the question in my previous post I left tearoom I was sitting at and went towards the city centre. I went into bookstore to see if there won't be any book which I will feel pulled towards. But I didn't meant to look too much just see if there really will be anything that steal my attention. As previously when that girl handled me a few books and I felt which one I wish to borrow. And once I have finished it, I knew why it supposed to be this one. But there was nothing in the bookstore so I have left and continued my walk. I have started wondering how would that feel if the light would literally shined through this illusion. And that moment the guy appeared right in front of me and gave me a book without any word out of the blue. And he said it's about a woman who used to live in India and about living in higher level of consciousness. And he said they print it themselves and I can pay him as much as I want. And I was just standing there looking at him like on someone who came from the other planet with my eyes wide open and I have just started trying to tell him how amazing it is and...... and he just smiled and said - there is no coincidences ?. And as I said thank you and started to walk away towards main square the song from the Christmas Market was playing - it was "Imagine" from John Lennon...... same song I was listening to a few times this morning (or last evening, cannot remember, anyway). My eyes were filled with tears I cannot explain. Also I felt from my body that it asks for some nutrition as my diet wasn't the greatest recently. I really felt like eating some cheese. I even thought to eat some paneer dish in some Indian place. But then I'm trying to eat vegan... But I never found vegan "cheese" in this city with clean ingredients. And all of the sudden I found myself in this recently opened organic store and there was this beautiful "cheese" made out of cashew nuts.... with so, so clean ingredients! Well, but that is just nothing compared to the previous thing. But felt obligated to mention it in my what I see list. This is getting radiciulous.

Thought has arised in my mind that I should go to the parcel box to collect the parcel I am waiting for. Not even 2 seconds later sms has came that it is right now on the way there. I mean. It's cool. It's fun. It really is fascinating. But does it really matter? Does it change anything? Does it make my life any more bearable?

I shouldn't do any psychedelics now. I believe I have had a car crash to get rid of what I have possessed. I disposed it just in case before anyone showed up. Then I was looking for some, but empire market didn't work for a few weeks. This girl showed up. I was trying to order some mushrooms/lsd through it as it suddenly started working. Got to the phished site somehow and sent money to the fake bitcoin address. Lost the money. Open your eyes! It clearly tells you it is not the way now.

You drink everyday. This is alcoholism. Sometimes saying truth straight into face is best intention and out of love. If you don't want any input from other people why do you write journal which is public? Nothing to do with Lynnel here.

I think Lynnel was just trying to be helpful