Jo96

I dont care about enlightenment. I was just starting a topic purely out of interest. no offense bro but the entire world isnt here just for enlightenment. reality is all inclusive. you may even speed up your journey if you open yourself up to more then seeking and become authentically interested in the world. much love bro

just a conversation

I don’t know if anyone had any ideas for why this might be occurring. On 3 separates days spaced apart a couple of day’s I have taken chocolate mushrooms. Usually with the brand I have it only takes me 1 gram to notice a substantial trip with visuals and expanded consciousness. Anyway I have been dosing it at 2 grams and I do not even notice any difference in my state of consciousness at all.. I even tried a separate batch for the third time. I’ve tripped many times from this source and I’ve never had a problem. So it makes me think there’s something blocking me from tripping. I know I could try to to take more but then I’m afraid it’ll be the kinda deal where the one time I take more it starts to work lol

This trip is overwhelming to type to be honest. Its overwhelming because I cant quite get it down to a form that would ever do it justice. As is the nature of total formlessness. My dose was probably close to less than 1g of dried mushrooms. It was odd timing because I had tried tripping on much much stronger doses and the last 3 times it failed me. This trip was different. I began the trip by doing some kriya yoga for about 45 minutes. Im not really an avid seeker of kriya yoga but on this particular day since my friend from LA had come to visit it felt like a great day to practice a little kriya together. After the we finished I asked my friend if he’d want to do a little bit of shrooms as I was really feeling now might be a great time to trip. I had no idea of the dosing as my friend had brought a bag of caps and stems and so we figured we would start small and work our way up. We each decided on one small cap and stem for an initial dose and figured if we didnt feel anything we could always take more after 30 minutes. About 5 minutes in I began to really feel overwhelmed. I was listening to a talk by a dzchochen Lama about solitude. My friend however did not feel a thing and so I tried to play it cool as I did not want to be a bad friend and lead us down to fear in panic even though that was what I was feeling inside of me. He was sitting on the porch and so I tried to join him but the feeling only got stronger and stronger until about 10 minutes in when I suggested going for a walk as I didnt totally want to give away my fears to my friend but I also felt a walk could be beneficial to getting out some of the fear I was feeling. As we were walking I began to feel the world spinning and it was as if all sense of me and normalcy was leaving my body. The world and the mountains became so beautiful and yet I felt this profound fear and so I told my friend how I was feeling. He said “dont worry about it bro, just be. You are overthinking it, look at the mountains, look at the forrest, look at the nature around you. It does not get any better than this. So in that moment it was as if I saw the trip going down two roads. I could fight it: Or I could accept whatever came my way. i decided on the ladder and as soon as I made that decision the clouds which had been raining that day parted and the sun came out and a beautiful rainbow came over the horizon all in unison with my acceptance. 30 minutes in: things really started to kick in. It was as if the world was fractalizing and disintergrating before my eyes. This was probably already the hardest I had ever tripped even on 3 times the dose and so I began to again to feel like something was terribly terribly wrong. I started questioning if I had really taken shrooms. I asked my friend if he knew what kind of shrooms they were. He said “ I really dont know I got them from my brother and mom”. I was panicking and recalled a trip report I had read about aminita mascara where someone had ended up in the hospital from overdose. I began to imagine all different scenes of my coming death and how I would be found dead later. I asked my friend “ what if its aminita mascara ? Dude Im tripping so hard. Are you tripping?” He was like “ no dude I dont feel anything at all.” And so I asked “ hey man Im kinda having a very rough time. There is a lot of fear in me right now. do you mind calming me down a bit if things get worse since your not tripping right now. Being the good friend he was he agreed and so we ventured onwards. About a minute later I started to panic envisioning my coming death. I asked if it was okay if we turned around and he agreed so started venturing back to the house. i said in a panic “ dude Maybe they are the deadly mushrooms maybe I should make myself throw up.” He was like “ go for it bro if it makes you feel better.” I stuck my finger in my house trying to force myself to throw up but the mushrooms would not let me. I was probably acting pretty Foolish at this point but I really did not care. I was so terrified I would do anything I could to avoid what I saw as my death to come. I started walking back to my house with my friend and I had the urge to call a mutual friend of ours who had fully embodied god and had died many times. I thought maybe he would be able to understand because my friend har very little experience tripping and I was terrified. As we were walking back to my house I called our mutual friend and I told him that I felt like I may have taken a heroic dose even though I hadnt dosed it very high. I said” if I took aminita mascara would a cap and a stem be enough to kill me?” He said rather calmly “ you are gonna die.” And I said “ no but I mean Am I gonna really die ?” And as I said that it was as if I couldnt see any difference between my actual physical death and my ego death that I knew I was . Life and death became one and I could see through the fractals and the internal knowing that they were one in the same. And so I said “ oh wait, never mind. Fuck dude. “ he said “ you die every moment bro try to live like that.” I said “ but bro I dont want to. Thats too much for me right now. I dont want to be god. I dont want to be fully in the knowing about all of that” he said “ sorry bro, Im like in god mode all the time sometimes I forget. Ill try to be more careful with what I say right now. 45 minutes in: we got back to the house and I was still on the phone with my friend. My other friend started to feel and he was having a good trip so he decided to go off on the porch, and I was happy because honestly I didnt want to kill his vibe. I remained on the phone with my friend and I began to see how I was creating reality. My body was feeling heavy and it felt difficult and tiresome to breathe there was this strong urge to lie down and to rest and so I asked my friend what he would do in this situation. He said “ just breathe bro, and let whatever needs to be healed be healed. Sometimes you gotta pay a little bit before you can get to the good part of the trip. Thats natural. Just let things happen and breathe through them. I said “ but Im so tired, sometimes breathing is too hard. Like Im too lazy to breathe right now. he said “ I know bro, I get that way sometimes. I feel you, breathing can be difficult at times, maybe you should ask yourself if theres anything you need to be healed from right now.” i said “ hmm I guess its death bro. Im scared to die. I feel like death is around every corner. Im afraid that the next moment could be my last. “ he said “ Well it could be bro. Death is in every moment. Thats why I try to die every moment.” i said “ but I dont want to do that. I want to be human bro. But if its what I gotta do Ill face it. im gonna go lay down. “ he said “ thats probably good bro. I would just relax and let yourself die” and so I began to lay down and as I laid down I saw the fractals spinning in colors of red and sheer terror was in me and in that moment I saw that death was the same as life and that life and death were one and that all the things leo had been saying were true. I was running from death because I was selfish, and death was love but that It couldnt be any other way because to be god was sheer terror and to be human was suffering but the union of the two worlds there could be a place of peace. I saw it in a small instance but I was soon up and not really prepared to handle it all and face it all at once. So i decided to get up and continue talking to my friend. Again I felt that heavy feeling and the world was basically crumbling before my eyes. Things were jumping into so many infinite forms that I couldnt keep track of anything. It was pretty uncomfortable but also I began to see in a moment of stillness that the room was still there. i looked at my hands and the floor and I willed the spiralling to stop and the room came back into stagnent form. I said “okay floor stay calm down. Tone ir down a bit Im not ready for all of this. “ And it was like I had the dimmer light to reality and everything came back to and I was in the room again. Everything was in its right place and everything was solid. I saw how I was creating reality. How I was actually formless but that through my sheer will I could create solid finite objects for me to live in. I was so thankful in that moment to be sane for a moment. As I did that my other friend came back in and I started to feel pretty guilty as I knew I had kinda ditched him in my panic and I said “ hey bro Its not that I dont wanna hang its just that Im really having a rough time and I didnt wanna drag you into my world. So im really glad you went outside because I really wouldnt want to ruin your fun. Thank you. “ he said “ im glad too bro.” then in kinda a shock My guilt went away as i realized how utterly selfish my friend was. I asked. “ hey bro Im selfish, are you selfish” he said “ totally bro. Im selfish” then I asked my other friend who answered “ Im selfish” i was so relieved because My whole life I had been worried about appearing selfish but in that moment I realized that all forms were selfish and that was amazing because it would really suck to be the only one who was selfish. I never felt so grateful in my life to be selfish and to have selfish humans to be around. Still I was spiraling a bit and I told my two friends that my heart hurt and they agreed that I needed some healing. They said “ just ask yourself what you need to do to heal” and so I said “ how do I heal” it was funny because in that moment I saw my ego in full force. It was like I had a birds eye view of my ego. I asked that and I instantly knew that it wasnt my doing. It was all just happening and that my ego was trying to take control to be the one was healing and yet it all happened spontaniously. A minute later my mom called and I knew that was the healing I needed and so I excused myself and told my friends I needed to call back my mom. i answered the phone and I could feel the love pouring from my moms heart. Its like she answered and she wanted to talk to me. She was utterly selfless the love was pure. She loved me more than I could ever love her. I said “ hey mom. Im tripping on shrooms right now and In having a lot of trouble” she said “ im sorry is there anything I can do “ I said “ well I havent been totally honest with you. in that moment I could feel that heaviness and it was in my heart. My heart hurt. I had a pretty messed up childhood with my dad and I somewhat Blamed my mom for it and was ignoring and being distant to her calls for years. I said “ I havent been honest because Ive been hiding parts of myself from you. she said “ like what” I said” Im god mom.” she said “ oh honey... “I mean Im not god, but we are god. “ I said no really. I know it sounds funny because you must think Im crazy because im tripping on mushrooms and Im not sober but its really what I see. I see that god is love and that love is total selflessness which is the same as death, and that the reason I have been running from myself and not being honest is because I am selfish. I am a human and to be a human and to take form is to be selfish and that Ironically the one thing Im running from is the very same thing that could free me. at this point I didnt realize but I think I sounded suicical. She had no context for the situation. i was really talking about ego death but I think she thought I was actually talking about dying. At that point I saw no difference between the two. she said “ no honey dont go into that right now: especially while your all alone. Dont become god” I said “ okay I wont right now if thats what you want. I love you mom.” she said “ I love you too. “ I said and I also havent been totally honest. i have been keeping other parts from you. When I was in the military I felt alone. I felt sad because nobody called. And when rebekah died I was really hurt. I loved her mom. she said “ I know I felt that I wanted to reach out but I felt like you didnt want the comfort.” I said “ im sorry. I was too wrapped up I wanted to be perfect and I was afraid to be vulnerable. But It really rocked my world when she died. She literally changed my whole life. Its funny because looking back she wasnt really a good fit for me but In the end her death helped me to start living. I had all these images in my head about who she was to me and I wanted us to be together and Yet when she died it shattered all those images of who she was. It was like I could no longer hold onto it and I hurt myself for a while mom. she said “ how?” i said “ I cut my self mom, but Im better now. I decided to live and she showed me that life was worth living and in her death I gained a new life. I escaped mom. I escaped from the military. They even ended up giving me money from the trauma in the military and I escaped wage slavery. The thing is I was hurt and in truth I talked to a psychiatrist I really was feeling what I was feeling but also I used her death to escape.I saw how the military was everywhere. I felt stuck. I felt like even if I got out there wasnt escaping the pain people endure on a daily basis. Mom I didnt wanna work a job where I wasnt valued I i didnt wanna work a job where they could yell at me. Demean me. I didnt want to do any of it. And you know what. I feel guilty sometimes. I feel like I go to stores and I feel like I have survivors guilt because I got out and I feel so greatful for the people packing my grocceries because I understand now that the military exists everywhere. Its greed and those people are living in hell. she said “ yeah but im sure she wouldnt mind. Shed wont you to escape. “ she said “ I know its awful just look at how they are treated in the pandemic. I can see it on their faces too behind their eyes. They are really scared.” i said “ I wasnt even thinking of the pandemic. I was just thinking about regular say to day before that But I now I see that too. as All this was being expressed it was like my heart opened and I opened myself to the pain of the world. I said “ Im selfish mom. I dont always look at it. If I really cared I wouldnt even shop at a grocerry store. If I really cared I wouldnt go there. she said “ I know but you still gotta live, you still gotta eat” I said “ yeah But I realized today that my whole life I was trying to be god. Ive been healing and feeling better and it feels nice but Ive let people like you slip away. Ive forgotten the people who were important to me. You dont understand. Sometimes Im so at peace that its like I forget the suffering of humanity. Thats the thing I realized. I wanna be human mom. It hurts a lot to try to be perfect. You shut yourself off and you can be in heaven but it sucks being in heaven alone. Whats heaven without the people you care about. I want to be there for people and I wanna do something to help others escape too. I want to love and to share with people I love. Im sorry mom. I love you. ”I love you too sweetie”

I was watching this video: mostly because I think I may have been in a toxic relationship and did not even know it. Toxic by my standards of living, and toxic for how I would like to live my life. This is not to say my ex partner is a bad person, or is inherently evil. But just that it seems apparent that we are entirely unable to interact in a healthy way hence our break up. However here is my conundrum. She is pregnant. We have a child on the way together. So in this situation what is a healthy way to deal with this situation? It seems to me like there isnt a good option. The only thing I can think of that would totally fix the issue is to cut out my Ex partner and the new child from my life. But Im not certain if Ill regret going that route. Am I beholden to a child I never met? Never chose to have? Do I have to constantly interact within a toxic relationship and to sacrifice for that? Society certainly thinks so. What do you guys think? among other things is there any other good solutions? Im not entirely sure. Ive been meditating deeply on this and still haven’t found a good solution.

I had this realization recently after some feelings of pure joy and then followed by pitfalls of “dark nights of the soul” for about a year and a half I would hold onto those feelings of bliss or timelessness. Emptiness or heart filled sensations or third eye or crown chakra openings. I finally got it though. I am powerless. Things are happening and all I can do is surrender deeper. Even the word surrender isnt anywhere close to the meaning because even that is just happening. Life isnt here for utter bliss or even utter suffering. I start experiencing these new feelings and its like I want to freeze myself in place and stay in that state forever, but thankfully that did not happen. Even the suffering has its place. Even the moments of doubt and the pain. Its all life. Its amazing. Its happening. Maybe tomorrow Ill feel differently. Thats part of it. Thats amazing in itself! I was chasing Awakening but The point of life isnt to awaken. Im open to it. Im open to awakening if it happens. But Ill also love whatever else comes at me. I have no choice after all. (Choice and no choice arent totally true either)

Haha thank you?

I feel you. Thank you❤️

Has anyone noticed this? For example you may feel someone on your right pinky if they are in a very connected state. Right middle finger when they are angry. I havent figured them all out. Anyone else seen or felt this?

can you rephrase that? I didnt understand

Okay. Maybe for a little more time. 11 more years.

I am your welcome guys. ?

I have considered that. That is why im on the fence about it. But from my experiences with my father it is not always this way.

Its hard to say. When I was younger I hated my father. I frequently wished I didnt have one. Maybe thats the source of my own fears about it. Im not certain. My father stayed out of social obligation but I always felt it woulda been better if he hadnt. It poisioned his mind to be doing something so long that he didnt wish to do. Which ultimately ruined peoples lives around him

Im still struggling to navigate this myself. I would love to hear any points you disagreed on ?

I said that from the beginning of our relationship I never wanted kids. She had a medical condition in which it was not suppose to be possible that she would get pregnant. After we found out I opted for an abortion and she refused.

Thats a big assumption that it would turn out that way. Could be more positive either way. Theres no way to know for certain.

So if I suck then why would it be a good idea for me to raise a child? Why is a child more important then my goals? Any objective reasoning you can think of that exists that says it must be this way?

Of course the child did nothing wrong. But does it really benefit the child to not meet my own needs? Should the question come from the childs needs first or mine or hers or a balance of all 3? Then finally does benefit the child in any case to be split between two worlds in a potentially toxic situation?

I dont have all the answers here but I feel like #2 is a hard no. You should not enter a relationship without having confronting these deep psychological issues. Not only will it harm your partner but it will harm yourself as your partner will ultimately become a crux to not deal with these issues. With that said if you are already actively working on them, and you state that from the beginning while maintaining all the things you need to be doing to deal with your trauma then I think it can be possible in this rare situation. 3. is kinda the same answer. You should not be seeking a relationship as avoidance of working on yourself. With that said though its probably impossible to be totally perfect and so we do the best we can. I would personally only enter a relationship if I could be alone completely without seeking one actively for some time. 4. Asking for help isnt inherently bad. You are asking us for help right now. Is that toxic? What is toxic is when you expect help, and refuse to help yourself. 5. This one can be very challenging I would be curious about whoever can give a solid answer for this one. I think but I do not know that maybe the flaw is in the word of needs. We do not need, We desire moment to moment. The main issue I see around needs is the expectation of fullfillment from another. What I desire moment to moment is and should not be conditional on controlling what another does. However with that said if your partner is causing you suffering on a regular basis then you should probably get out of that relationship. 6. I do not know so I wont answer this 7. Explore new fantasies. Try new things. Just like everything else in life if you do the same thing over and over again it gets stale. You wouldnt eat the same kinda food everyday, and you wouldnt want the same kinda sex daily either. Personally Im not sure for that reason monogamy is practical. 8. There is usually toxic aspects whenever survival is brought into a relationship.( usually it is because we have egos) 9. This is where its important to set up healthy boundaries from the beginning. It may even be useful to write them down so later on in the relationship you can see the hard Nos, and maybes that you can work on and are not willing to work on. 10. This is very subjective but for me I would look at first that they dont uncheck certain boxes such as addictions, psychological issues, finance issues, insecurities, and other such things. Then if you are lucky to find someone who meets all of these and you are attracted to then I would look to see how giving they are? Do they have healthy boundaries? How are they with their family friends and coworkers? How do they treat a waiter or waitress? Do their values and life style choices line up with yours? A lot of this is found during the dating process and is the whole point of going on dates. 11. This is probably more of a personal issue that can easily be fixed by spiritual work or by finding new hobbies. 12. I dont know, probably not unless you are very conscious. 13. See number 10 and 9 14. This one is too nuanced and Im still grappling with the realization around love. I dont wanna give you any wrong ideas. 15. I would look at leos video on love 17. I would say that it is probably not healthy to deny your sexual needs, but im not certain beyond that. 18. This one is very tricky. You must have the right partner. 19. when you dont have a balance between alone time and relationship. 20. Love is everything that exists 21. Both

Aaah the fabled dreamboard❤️? Im actually gonna do it. I didnt ever do it but I think ill give it a go..

I came to the most beautiful realization today that there is nothing else needed to be changed. That reality or god or me does not require anything to be whole. I could be a christian, a muslim. I could have any knowledge or faith or situation and that wouldnt take away from who I am. everything really is ok, you dont even need enlightenment. Im not saying dont strive for it. Leo is right and correct that its worth going for, but its not the end all be all. Its just a fun roller coaster you can go on if you choose too. everything really is and always will be okay. Its beautiful when you stop worrying about what it needs to be. Its even beautiful when you are worrying. Reality is so perfect.

Thank you

Love everyone