@Chumbimba
Your mom is extremely toxic...but you already knew that.
Your mom has repeatedly shown that she has absolutely no respect for you...but you already knew that too.
Any other person in your situation would have cut her out of their life a looooong time ago... and I'm sure you've heard that one before as well.
But do you want to hear something I have a feeling you don't know? You deserve better. Read that again. You, yes YOU, deserve better than how you're currently being treated.
Irregardless of what has transpired between the two of you throughout your childhood, the role of a mother is to protect her children, nurture them, and love them unconditionally. As far as I can tell from what you've included in your post, she's done the exact opposite of that and hasn't shown any signs of her willingness to change. Your mother has failed you and that is NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm not going to tell you that you should completely cut her off because clearly you've tried that in the past and it just hasn't worked for you. Instead, I suggest you keep her at an arms distance; limit the amount of contact you have with her to whatever you feel is appropriate in order for you to still grow and not be dragged down by her negativity and toxic energy. Whether that is a phone call every two weeks or once every 3 months, that is for you to decide.
You can't control your mother; you've never been able to in the past and never will be able to in the future. However, what you do have control over is yourself and how you choose to navigate through this life. Don't let her crush your dreams or break your spirits. Nobody and I mean absolutely NOBODY, should have that much control over you. If you don't want to be a psychiatrist, don't be a psychiatrist. If you want to pack up all your stuff and become a monk, go for it! If you want to open up your own meditation camp, why the hell not?
Before you came on this forum, you knew exactly what needed to be done. However, I have a feeling that you posted anyways because you wanted someone else to tell you what to do. But guess what? You need to stop listening to other people and finally start listening to yourself. Because if you only do things for the sake of pleasing others you'll be miserable. Trust me, I've been there before.
Your mother has completely ruined any ounce of self-esteem you had but it's going to be up to you to get it back. It doesn't matter how much I, or anybody else for that matter, tells you how worthy you are or how much better you deserve. Until you start believing it, and I mean REALLY believing it, nothing will change. Your future is all going to depend on you and the choices you make.
But remember, you're never alone...
