devoid

i have been trying to get help since i was about 10 years old and am to this day still trying. every professional i have met has told me that my issues are too much/complex and that they can't help me, and just tell me to find someone else because they don't understand. i'm not against therapy, but i'm tired for waiting to get the help i need. i want to help myself. i would prefer not going into more detail since this not-getting-help-despite-trying thing itself is part of the trauma

thanks, will definiately look into it. since you've tried a lot, do you have anything else that was helpful to you?

hm, i have not, but it would be interesting. i don't know where to get a hold of some i also have other medications, would have to look up if they are compatible

how do i overcome lifelong trauma and grief? i feel such a huge grieving over my life and childhood. a lot of the trauma is centered around abuse from other people, never feeling happy (i can't recall a single happy memory from my childhood), being extremely lonely and isolated. it feels like such a huge part of my life has been taken away from me (and still is, in some ways), and the grief and negative feelings around that are so intense. i just want to hug the child-me and take care of them. this grieving came as a chock, because it didn't start until i started to realized what i had actually been going though my whole life. i thought the intensity would lessen if i just gave it time, just like when you grieve the loss of another person, but it doesn't. it's been about two years and it's just getting more and more intense. some sideeffects of this is that i notice that i get angry when people have had an easier life than me (of course i don't let that out on them, but i notice an extreme anger inside), or when people have gotten help that i also needed but never got. some topics are extremely sensitive and i can't really handle people bringing it up without having a total breakdown. which kinda sucks, because i want to connect to other people with similar struggles, but i just get overwhelmed with negative emotions when i try to do so. i also can't visit or be near the town where i grew up without extreme anxiety and sadness. therapy is not an option, and not getting help is a big part of the trauma so please don't comment that i need professional help. i know that i do, i'm looking for what other things i can do to help myself overcome this. there must be things that people do on their own to work through trauma and grief. lastly i want to add that i don't mind having to grieve over this, i just want to do it in a way that is helpful to myself and not destructive, so that i can eventually move past this and feel okay. and i need advice on how to do that

logically speaking, this doesn't make sense to me because wouldn't happiness/joy/bliss also just be an illusion then? why couldn't it be that bad is the only thing that exists, and happiness is the illusion? speaking from the very little experience i have on this, it makes sense. often when i take walks alone i just walk around and observe the world. and when i do that, it's like the observable present is the only thing that exists and everything is just so goddamn beautiful that i shiver over and over again, and nothing is of more or less value, everything is just so outstandingly perfect and amazing. like, i could see an old dirty shoe on the side of the road and literally cry because it's so beautiful. i realize now that people who see me on those walks probably think i'm totally insane lol this is the closest i have come to experiencing something similar to what you said, if i'm understanding you correctly. and based in that little experience, it makes total sense. that said, i think (based on your videos) most of your insights are way over my head, and i would like to ask you if it's really wise to pursue this kind of truth-happiness-oneness-god thing directly? i know that people easily misunderstand things that are not yet possible for them to grasp. depending of how developed people are, it seems like their self-development goals should be different. so is this a goal everyone can work towards, or are there other ways of looking at happines/truth that i would benefit from working on first? (would estimate that i'm at spiral dynamics green/yellow and i relate heavliy to the first postconventional stage in cook-greuters ego development paper (not done reading the paper yet though), if this might help answer my question)

why would the realization that everything is the same create happiness? does the happiness come from having realized some kind of ultimate truth and being happy because that was discovered, or does it stem from something else?

why is it important to outgrow it?

let's say that your main goal was happiness. i know that a lot of people here might have truth as the main goal. or something like that. but let's just think about this from the perspective that happiness is the main goal. would it be wrong to make things up as a way to cope with reality? i mean, to believe in things just because it makes you happy? some examples: - seeing a roadkill, you imagine it to either just being asleep, or that the animal continues to live as a ghost, or if you're an atheist, you might imagine that it comes to heaven - treating objects as living things with their own will, feelings and thoughts, especially things like plushies, but can also be things like the sea, wind, and so on - believing in santa, tooth fairy, unicorns, etc, even though you know that you have no proof of those beings existing what could be dangerous with this type of thinking? would this be a bad way to create some extra happiness in your everyday life? (i'm not talking about believing in the sense that this would be some kind of absolute truth. it's more like "fuck it, everything is relative and i can't know anything for sure, so let's just make the best of the shitshow that this life is. this scenario would make me the happiest, so let's decide that that's how it is")

i think that different people would have different reasoning behind why they do any of those things, and the answer to your question would probably be different depending on why they do what they do. also, you can't force anyone to "heal" if they don't want to.

yeah, i agree. we can't force anyone to do anything, but maybe we can find good ways to point people in the right direction, if they would wan't to change the way they identify. just like leo and other spiritual teachers do their best to help us find our own answers. and i don't mean that people shouldn't identify as animals, they can do so if they feel that it's right for them. but for many (not everyone) their identity as trans comes with a lot of dysphoria regarding how their body looks. and i think it would be great if there was a way to ease this dysphoria, a way that didn't require surgery and hormones, but a way that was just a shift in mindset and perspective. if i stopped having dysphoria, i would still identify as a non-girl. but i would be a non-girl that was totally okay with the way my female body is.

hm, maybe. my ego really apprechiated that comment haha. i actually joined the forum to be able to get more perspectives on things, since there are always things i won't notice. and it seems to be that everything is a matter of perspective, so the more different views on something i can get, the better i can understand it. i would definiately say that my depression is "worse" than my gender dysphoria. i mean, both suck, a lot. my earliest memories are from when i am three, and i do not remember a single happy moment from my whole childhood. my depression seems to be that kind of case that the doctors and psychologists have given up on. i haven't though, i have definiately "trained" myself to at least get a handful happy moments in the last couple of years, something i have no memory of ever experiencing as a child. so i have identified with this depression literally my whole life, but gender dysphoria is kind of new for me and i have only started to experiment with gender and getting a name for it like a year or so ago. which would make me think that my depression is harder tied to my personality, but maybe not. maybe i can distance myself from depression because i am more aware of how it's a part of me and my perspective? idk i don't think i have ever been 100% in the present moment. or, of course i have, i am all the time lol. but i have not consciously been 100% in the here and now. working on it though, so i will hopefully get there sooner or later. i really want to find another way to "treat" dysphoria. i'm not against the idea of physical transition, but i have some issues that aren't currently possible to change with the technology we have today. my bone structure is what it is. i want to find an answer, both for my own happiness and for my general curiosity about how life works. it would be super strange if there wasn't an alternative way. i can't allow myself to just accept that the only cure would be physical transition, because that means i will always have those feelings regarding those things that aren't changeable. just like i can't allow myself to accept that my depression is an impossible case. maybe it's wrong of me to not accept those things. i don't know. but i do know that the only thing that would get me to kill myself (i.e. my body) is the feeling of deep hopelessness. so giving up hope isn't an alternative. i have had some way too close calls with that. i need to choose the perspective of hope to literally survive. (maybe i'm close-minded here. if anyone think's my thinking is flawed, please let me hear your perspective on it) if people identify as other species, maybe that would push society/science towards finding different solutions? i would hope so at least. that we would try to help people and not just dismiss them as being crazy or making things up for attention. it would be hard to physically change someone into another species. so if they have species dysphoria about their physical body, an alternative way of treatment would probably be needed.

i think if you are aware that you are complaining, that could tell you something about what needs to change (either inside yourself, in your environment or both). so it's not really unecessary, i think. if you are aware of doing it, it could help you grow. just like with almost everything else. i have complained a lot in my life, and still do. but, nowadays i would see myself as an inherently positive person. and that's not because i don't complain, i sure do complain about lots of things. i complain about things like, being tired, the weather, not wanting to cook dinner, and so on. but, at the same time, i make sure to always apprechiate things. there are always good things, even if they are "small". it can be a cool leaf on the ground, your favorite pen, that you were able to talk to a friend that day, small things like that. when i experience things i make sure to apprechiate them, if i find them either positive or neutral. i can apprechiate "neutral" things because it's just so cool that anything exists at all and my mind hype up every small "insignificant" detail of the world to be totally mind-blowing. but still, i do complain, and i think that it's important to allow yourself to do that. so even if i always have something to complain about, i also always have something i apprechiate about life. and that itself makes the complaining less important. it's okay that something isn't perfect right now, because i also have so much that is just totally awesome. but i don't think it's good to try and make everything a great experience, that seems like it would just make you ignore negative feelings instead of using them to help yourself and learn.

i can definiately distance myself from depression and look at it from a distance, but it seems impossible to do this with dysphoria. which i find both interesting and annoying, why can i distance myself to other feelings (maybe except for happiness/joy/awe related to just existing and how cool the world is, that one is hard not to identify with), but this one i struggle so much with? maybe i tie myself as a person very hard to this feeling? which i don't think i do. it's just a theory i haven't tested, but the mind sure likes to trick itself. i also find it fascinating that therapy doesn't help solve dysphoria. it can help people with so many other things regarding their thoughts, feelings and beliefs, but on this one it just doesn't work? i wonder what makes it different and how we can help people work through it my ego got very upset with you calling it a misconception in this part "no misconception about your true self should force you to transition", which amused me quite a bit. why get so upset if you supposedly know that it's not a misconception? why even care if you are as sure as you say you are? it's fun to be able to distance oneself and just watch what's going on in the mind. kind of feels like those videos of entitled "karens" that can be seen all over internet lol

not sure if this is the right subforum to post in. the whole thing of gender being something more than biological is hard to grasp for me. i know that it is more, a lot more, but i just.. don't understand what it is. and of course, i don't have to understand people to respect them. but i would like to at least understand myself enough to know my own gender? also, regarding dysphoria specifically. it seems to be that the only way to solve dysphoria about your body is to physically transition in the relevant areas. but, isn't this really a matter of identifying with your body? wouldn't a deep understanding of what you actually are solve it? (as you can see, i do not have a deep understanding either about what i am or about what gender is lol) would love to hear others thoughts on this, especially from other trans people

yeah, that's a good point kag101. judging my judging won't really help haha. thank you for your perspective