throw-22

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About throw-22

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  1. Well, the story is me going through life in the dysfunctional way that I have (because of different factors), hating myself for it, since crucial decisions and opportunities to develop socially, just living out myself, were wasted against my true will. They were made by "me" nonetheless (because in the real world, "I" am the same person to the world, regardless what state I'm in), but I had a metaphorical gun to my head that forced me to just waste and sabotage everything, and the "real me", my soul, the true self, the me that wanted to live, develop one self, just steer the ship to a good place, the one that could just look on when the other "false me" was sabotaging and destroying my life. And this is from age 12. But that's the problem, I've lost the real me, because the story is draining "me" from releasing him. And the real me's CV "I" consider blank, since the false one's CV is what "I" have to put there... Because in reality, to the universe, the false me and the real me are the same person. BUT, "I" can NOT accept it. I cannot willfully put the false one's CV on the true one's, because it's not him... it's not "me"... Even when trying to just overwrite the story, meeting new people or just getting a new life experience, just start all over, does not work since the brace my brain is giving me is the false self's CV, which "I" reject. "I" treat it like someone hands me a jacket that's been lying in shit and tells me to go wear it when going about my life or someone rapes you, and then you go around saying that that is my sexuality. That's how much I reject it. The only thing that has taken me out of the ditch lying upside down, lifted me up and put me back on the road so to speak, is when I get on the meds. It sort of gets you rolling in a certain speed and then you just hit the gas and go. (But this is as I said earlier the first 2 months, then I just get undepressed, but the story is sort of there... But not holding me back as hard.) And the whole lying in a ditch upside down is just a memory that's in the back mirror. You know it's a part of you, it's my history, but it doesn't phase me. It's like it was just a nightmare... But it's over and today is a new day. The jacket is a nice fresh, newly bought good looking jacket, there's nothing wrong with my sexuality and I'm 100% convinced of it. The self love is there. So "I" am stuck in between these real and false selfs and I can't get back on my wheels and make the rubber hit the road. And so I'm stuck, feeling dead and empty inside. Perhaps and surely there is a totally different aspect to this "story" that you guys might have. Also that's what I'm hoping the mushrooms will show me. Because talking to friends, family and therapists over the years have not convinced me. I'm like a donkey, just pulling harder the more someone tries to help. Are you guys relating at all? :^p (sry for the long posts and outrageous metaphors)
  2. Thank you guys for the replies. I'd say I'm going back and forth between 2 and 3,5 on that scale. I've been at 1-1,5 for some time in between Jan and April, just horrible. What would you say hinders using the trip to keep at a 5-6? Is it a default state that you've always been that is nonresponsive to the insights? I'm curious as what exactly is going on in your head preventing it? For me it's a default mode that I can't get over. The best way to describe is that I'm stuck in the story and there is no way to convince the mind otherwise, no matter what facts or what insights I "know", they're simply not attaching in to the machinery. Meanwhile I feel like shit and the brain just keeps tossing horrible memories from the past in front of me and replaying them like they're real. Thanx a lot for the support btw. Nahm: Do you have any advice on the dosage? Are there any reasons for not taking 3,5g the first time in your opinion? Thanx again
  3. Hi, I'm about to vacate for 6 weeks and I've been planning to make this time a healing experience, especially with the help of mushies and 5MeO. I'd really appreciate any advice or help how to do this. I have about 10g of cubensis shrooms and 1g of 5MeO is on its way. So, some history (sorry for the long post): Suffering from social anxiety/phobia and GAD (overthinking, obsessive thoughts etc) since teens (37 y.o now), chronic depression in varying degrees throughout the years, C-PTSD is probably the most accurate "diagnosis" (been following Spartanlifecoach since 2014 and I can check almost all boxes of the symptoms he describes). SSRI (sertraline) works well, at least for 2-3 months, then the effect diminishes, but still keep me "undepressed" thereafter. However, since the side effects are horrible and the nature of being on them makes you feel "I don't need it anymore", I've always historically come off them and (yes, I know, stupidly) always been cold turkey. However, doesn't matter how much "progress" I've had while being on them (a totally different person, IMO at least :), I always slowly but surely fall down into the pit of the personhood-dissolving despair of depression, leaving everything you've "built up" while on the meds just memories. I've probably been on Sertraline six times since 2003, maybe twelve months was the longest period, otherwise it's just been 3 or max 9 months. I've been to therap(ists)y, 4 of them, telling the same story, bringing up the same issues, but it just doesn't get anywhere. With the latest I really thought I had overcome my issues (while on meds), but, quitting the meds just erodes the foundation of what's "built", and I'm just back to square one... AGAIN. I've been selfmedicating with weed for several years. I wouldn't say I've been a daily smoker, but I've smoked a lot the last 3-4 years (but still held a full time job), drinking and using cocaine (not heavily) on and off (maybe once or twice a month last 5 years), I've done MDMA two times. As of today I've been clean from weed and coke 1,5 years, I drink alcohol very moderately, I have no issues with it I'd say. I do however have a sugar problem, I would definitely say that I'm a sugar addict. I'm not overweight (176cm and weigh about 83 kg), but I can't stop the sugar. I've had sugar free (or at least sweetsfree) months, but this is something that just comes back with a vengeance. And the last years, I have not been able to quit sugar even for one week. I have severe issues with myself, identity, self hate, self esteem, confidence, bonds with friends, dealing with coworkers, emotional dysregulation, reckless behavior... On the outside people may perceive I'm ok, but they don't see the nuclear emotional bombs exploding on the inside and It has just been getting worse over the years. I've never really snapped, I don't have a problem with violence, but that's because I always have managed to hold everything in. I decided after I quit the drugs (1,5 y ago) and Sertraline (11 months ago) that no matter what, I'm never making myself dependent on ANYTHING and I will NEVER eat SSRI or use any medicinal crutch again. That has been my goal. Believe me, since July last year, after cold turkeying Sertraline, these months have been pure hell. I can't even believe that I've made it. Mostly due to not having a social life (just been seeing absolute closest friends that I still have and family, "strangers/new people" have been totally out of the question, that would mentally be getting in an MMA ring with broken legs and arms). I've been meditating almost everyday the last 5 months, exercising at least 4 times a week, mostly jogging 15-20 min, simple ab-exercises, some weightlifting. I think this has helt my head above water, otherwise the depression would just drown you. It's a daily struggle. So, ANYWAY: I've been researching shrooms and 5MeO a lot and I want to this 100% responsibly and approach it with 100% respect, both the mushies/5MeO and myself. So, I have 6 weeks ahead of me. What dosage and at what time would you recommend I do them? My plan is to take 1,5-2g on Day 1 in week 1, or going for 3,5g. My reasoning for taking 3,5g is that an ego death would be the most beneficial (taking "advantage" of the psychedelic virginity). Otherwise start with 1,5g, see what it brings and then proceeding with 3,5g in week 3. What are your recommendations? Then taking the 5MeO in week 5, so as plenty of time to recover before going back to work. Excuse the long post ... Thanks for reading and I appreciate every single tip/help/advice on going forward. THANK YOU