jbram2002

To be fair, Leo has 850k subs on Youtube. As far as YT standards go, that's a fair distance away from "famous." To all who think you should worship him, realize that Leo is just another guy. There's nothing special about him. He's fallible just like everyone else here. Instead of worshipping someone else, just do the work yourself. We're all on the same plane as we're all one anyway.

I've already examined this in regards to gaming, I believe, although possibly not enough. I believe it's because in cooperative games, people who act like assholes are my least favorite people to play with. The games are simply more fun when people get along, and you're a lot more likely to win. I've been told that I'm too nice in some regards though. There's one D&D game I've been in where I was pretty unhappy with the game for nearly a year. But I didn't want to drop the game because I've known these people for a lot longer than that and this was my only way of connecting with them. I finally decided to stick with the game, and now I feel like that decision is being greatly rewarded. The annoying things are being less of an issue, and I'm connecting with them more over a different game. For the first time in a while, I actually feel like I have friends again. I tend to play supportive characters in games as well. Healers and Tanks, usually. If my only focus is beating up the enemy, I'm just not having fun. There's a lot of other things that I can do in cooperative games like FF14 and Overwatch. I can control my team's positioning and greatly increase our chance of success as a tank, and I can keep my team alive and pushing forward as a healer. If I play a DPS, I typically go for a supportive style, such as Bard (FF14) or Soldier 76 (Overwatch, he has a heal). It's simply what I enjoy more. If I'm focused solely on DPS, I feel like I'm less helpful to the team as I'm not the best player for that slot, so I just feel like I'm dragging everything down and unable to perform to the standard I expect of myself. Instead of looking at this as low self-esteem, I think this is more that I know my weaknesses in those games, and I don't really have the opportunities to improve them. In Overwatch, any sort of coordination basically requires voice, which I can't do during most of my free time. When I do get a chance to do that, everyone else tends to grab DPS first. In FF14, DPS queue times are extremely high, so it's simply faster/more efficient to play healer or tank.

I have done this more times than I care to admit...

There's not a lot in this world that isn't a concept. The description of space I gave, both in pathways through rooms, usable space, and owned territory are all just that: concepts or perspectives. But doesn't a concept deserve some consideration as well? Concepts are as real to some people as the concrete sidewalk is to a person falling at terminal velocity. Many people live and die by their concepts.

I'm not sure. If I do a good job, I feel good about it. I like receiving commendations from other players. If I do a bad job, I feel bad about it. I'm simply not a super emotional person as far as expressing it. If I feel like I did really bad, I definitely get the emotional side of it, and there are times where I feel exhilarated over a positive outcome. So in that sense, I definitely feel and express emotions, just not loudly or to the same degree as some people who are very emotional. The same person I was talking about plays D&D with me, and he complains constantly whenever he rolls poorly. I complain once in a while, but you can't really affect random numbers. If you could, the game would be less fun. I enjoy chatting with my friends while playing, usually meming or jokingly telling each other how trash we are. You know, standard friend stuff. But I'm also willing to tell someone when they did a good job, or to give suggestions if they ask for it. I'm also the first person to admit that I'm not great at the game myself. On the flip side, I don't weigh my self-worth on how good I am at gaming (partially cause I'm not great at gaming, as I just play for fun in most games). It's fun to do well. It's less fun to struggle and flounder in a game. I tried to focus on my breathing randomly throughout the day yesterday. Basically, whenever I thought about it, I would examine how I was breathing. I was taught how to breathe as a singer during high school, so I typically breathe through my stomach 90% of the time anyways. Oddly enough, I found when I breathe through the nose, I often tend to do chest breathing instead of stomach breathing if I don't focus on it. Might be because it's rare that you breathe through the nose while singing? Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to put your challenge in action yet. I'm a little hesitant to do so in multiplayer content because focusing on not-the-game could make them have a less pleasant experience. I'll see about enacting it at some point doing more mindless things though.

There are a lot of things that are designed around the idea of making space. An interior designer creates space through specific placement of furniture and other things. Architects can create or destroy space through the placement of doors, windows, or other openings. For example, consider clearing all the furniture out of a room and see how much space is there. Then, place the furniture back in a completely different pattern. Your pathways will change, the size of the room will feel a lot different. You have created or destroyed usable space. Now add a doorway connecting the room to another. Your pathways have significantly changed, but the wall space has been removed. You can no longer place furniture or pictures against that wall. Another way creating space is used is in video games, usually with a tank style character. The job of a tank is to be able to soak incoming damage, push forward, and create space for allies to do their jobs. Usually, they have powerful short-range abilities and lack long-range options. For example, Reinhardt in Overwatch has a powerful hammer swing that deals a lot of damage and a large shield to protect his team. His job is to take space and push forward while the enemy tries to destroy his shield so they can punish the aggression. In real life wartime, trench warfare is all about creating space. Many lives have been lost fighting over a few meters of space. It's all a matter of perspective. In all of these instances, no one is physically creating or destroying any volume, but they instead are altering the perception of that area. In architecture and interior design, the perception is that the space being destroyed now belongs to another use. In video games and war, the perception is that the space belongs to one side or the other.

100% agree with this. It's one of the things I dislike most about this forum, and also with the cult-like religion that's starting to sprout from it. Group pressure is something that doesn't really affect me much, but I know it strongly affects a lot of people. I can almost guarantee people have gotten hurt directly from Leo's advertisement of psychedelics.

This is how a lot of my most healthy friendships started back in high school. Man up. Be her friend if she's important to you. Leaving her just because she's interested in someone else makes you very shallow. In fact, my relationship with my wife started this way. Nothing in life is all or nothing.

The good news is that I don't have any cravings that feel indomitable. They're just things in the back of my mind like "Man, I really wish I had another glass of milk" or so on. I try to give voice to them as well so I can recognize that they're cravings and not required for happiness, etc. As for being aware during activities, I tend to not really have negative outbursts of any sort, except when I know I've personally messed up. For example, was running FF14 today, and was in a voice call with three others in the group. I was the healer, and the tank dropped down to 58 HP (out of 6000) before I could land a heal. If you know much about the game, you know that's about an 1/8th second away from death. I simply calmly healed him up. The tank said if he were the healer, he would have been panicking and shouting, and he was surprised at how calm I was able to be. My response was basically, "Well, you didn't die, so everything's fine." Contrast that with the last time I played Overwatch competitive... every death was my fault. I could always see just moments too late how I could have fixed it. Fists pounded on the desk, frustration with self, all those things. But I never got to a "tilted" state. My response was "I can do better." So next spawn, I simply tried harder, focusing on where I failed. It's a lot harder to focus on breathing and such when you need to do the mechanics of the game, though. I tend to play more than watch. As for the last sentence, I think if anything, I have a harder time getting in touch with my masculine side than the feminine side.

Hmm... @DrewNows let's see what I can come up with for answers to those... 1) What does the health of your body mean to you? The health of my body means longevity and potentially a little less chronic pain. It means I'm less likely to gain a serious health condition like diabetes or heart issues, etc, which are rampant in my family. It also means it's easier for me to spend time doing things my wife enjoys, like hiking, or I'll be more able to take the kids on vacations that require a lot of walking. 2) Do you see fitness/hard work and healthy eating to be an act of self love? No. I see fitness as painful, and healthy eating as denial of things I want. I should probably try to see it otherwise, but in all honesty, it's hard to force my mind into that paradigm. Aerobic exercise is painful during, and weight lifting is painful for a long time after doing the exercise. Healthy eating means I have to give up stuff that I want, and healthy food in general tastes a lot worse. However, I try not to focus on these negative aspects because in my experience, they haven't been helpful to focus on. They just act as distractions. 3) What does self love mean to you and how do you practice it? The most "self-care" I do is mental relaxing things like video games or creative efforts (writing). It's hard for me to call that self love, but it helps me unwind from the stresses of work. On the other hand, I guess I don't really have much of a definition of self love beyond self care. I have a hard time associating love with self still. 4) What are the benefits of creating a healthy body? I think I largely answered this in question 1, but there's also a lot of positive mental things that can come from it. Feeling more willing to love myself might be one of those things, but it's not really a specific goal of mine. In regards to the quantity/quality of food being more effective, my doctor told me about the same. I believe exercise plays a bit of a role though. I have a largely sedentary job, so any sort of exercise will boost my metabolism, hopefully. I've also been feeling a lot more exhausted mentally lately. I think it's partially because I'm dieting which means my body is eating up energy stores. Mandy says that dieting and exercise should make me feel more awake, but I've never felt that personally. Side note, super hungry right now, but I'm avoiding snacks until supper. Which hopefully will be soon.

The most important question I can ask myself right now is "Why?" I'm trying to identify myself, see my motivations, and move forward. My daughter came upstairs and asked "What are you waiting for, Mommy?" to Mandy. I'm not sure why she asked that, but I just repeated it. She said "Prosperity" so I replied "Why are you waiting for it?" I tried asking myself the same question. What am I waiting for? The first response I came up with was the amount of time it takes to lose weight. Then, asking myself "Why?" I had no good answer. Why am I waiting for it? Is it so I can do things that are difficult to do now? No, I still go on hikes and have family time. I guess this goal has no purpose other than to lose weight, which is in itself not a terrible purpose to have. But this realization takes the pressure off a little. Yes, I need to keep losing weight, but there's no specific thing I can't do in the meantime. Sidenote: Weight loss update. About 6 lb in less than 2 wks. That's a lot better than the 1 lb/wk goal that the doctor gave me, so hopefully I'm doing something right. I feel like asking myself "Why?" more often is probably going to be helpful. I already do this sometimes when I'm being conscious of my negative emotions, but definitely not enough, especially with positive emotions. When I'm feeling frustrated or angry, asking "Why?" might help me identify what it is that's affecting me. Then I can either accept it or change it. If I'm feeling happy, asking "Why?" might help me focus more on those things in the future.

@Bill W I kinda use this forum in waves, if that makes sense. If I get some insights, like what was written above, I'll focus on it for a few days. Which tends to mean I don't post here daily, which makes Mandy mad at me There are things with this forum that I think are objectively negative, and other things that have a very positive impact. I am working still on a balance between trying to not be aggressive in my advice-giving and trying to receive more advice than I give. Someone posted a response to what I had said recently asking what I had gotten from the reply I made, and I realized that I really hadn't gotten anything. I was just preaching at them blindly. That's the sort of negative thing I'm trying to avoid doing, since that's (in my opinion) detracting from my overall goals. As for teachings, books, the Bible, I've been listening to a bunch of Teal Swan over the past week. With the amount of work I have and the limited free time, I don't often have an opportunity to really dig into books like I really want to, or even watch lengthy videos. Again, Mandy wants me to watch more of Leo's videos so I can participate more in the weekly discussions that come up, but I find he doesn't really resonate with me personally. I'm also not exactly a "read the Bible daily" sort of person (anymore), so I haven't been digging into that either. I know, doing a bunch of mental masturbation and not a lot of practice. But I still feel like I'm getting some overall benefit from this all. I just need to keep my ego from telling me that I'm actually not happy because the selfish things aren't being met as often as I'd like. Hope that my response wasn't too disappointing!

@now is forever The good news is you can find it all for free online. No need to waste your money. Burning not included.

There's a lot to glean from the Bible without having to delve into the legalistic side. A ton of very interesting non-dualistic things if you're looking.

These two things are referencing different parts. The water into wine part was at a wedding, whereas the "this is my blood" was at the Last Supper. My interpretation of the Last Supper is far less ethereal and metaphysical than the Catholic church wants us to believe. They sat down to eat. Jesus was handing out the food as always. He said the bread which he broke into pieces represented how his body would be broken, and the wine represented his blood that would be spilled. Annnnnnnd that's about it. He also said to think about the Last Supper every time they ate, and that it would be the last time he drank with them until they saw him in heaven. The holy grail never even existed. It was just whatever clay cup Jesus drank from in that dingy home they shared their final meal together. There's so much that has been bastardized and sanctified in religion that never deserved it.

I am not one of the complainers. I personally would suggest the following if you want to share the truth with others: 1) Accept that you may be wrong instead of continuously challenging others to provide proof that you are wrong. In your mind, the Bible is absolute proof. However, that is not the standard of proof in this forum. In fact, there likely is not any standard of proof. As with what the moderator said, we're seeking the truth. Most of us have already considered texts like the Bible, but are looking for a more comprehensive understanding. As a more trite example, the Bible has very little to say about how much television time is too much in a day. 2) Try to avoid derailing posts with proselytizing. This is probably what you've received warnings for. Again, most of the people here already know about the Bible and Jesus, and are unlikely to be swayed by someone posting a Bible passage as ultimate fact. 3) Try to learn more than you teach. There is a TON to learn here, and most of it does not conflict with the Bible in any way. Maybe a few things do. It's up to you to find what is useful and separate the wheat from the chaff. However, your posts have an air of finality and authority, as if you are the only person who knows the truth. Even if this was a Biblical study forum, your posts would come across as authoritative and to some extent, disruptive. These are all my opinions. No one here that I've seen is trying to stifle you. However, several people have seen that you are not open to learning more about either yourself, your beliefs, or your fellow man. There's so much here to benefit from, but you must open your eyes. Someone who believes they know all and has nothing to learn, even from those who disagree, has hardened their hearts and closed their minds from experiencing truth. Ephesians 4:18 says "They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart." Instead of trying to find what's wrong in what everyone is saying, look for the truth in what they are saying. Then dig deeper. Examine yourself, and examine their statements from the point of view that you are entirely wrong and they are entirely right. What changes? How does this new paradigm affect you? Then, after giving them an open mind, apply what you have learned to your own beliefs without judgment. I hope to see you around, and I hope you are able to speak more openly and learn things you are currently blind to. May the love of God be with you always.

What's the difference? The best preachers are teachers.

It's called West Quoddy because East Quoddy is in Canada across the river. God is neither male nor female, but a spirit. So it makes sense to use both male and female pronouns to describe her. However, the Bible has colored our perceptions by describing God solely with male pronouns. That's because female figures in power were not often seen in the best light back then. A lot of Christians are still directly offended if someone refers to God as "she" for this reason. But it's obvious that the only the male about God was the body form that Jesus took.

I find it hard to see pain as a friend right now. But I don't think it has to be an obstacle or an enemy. I've already started "doing" a few weeks ago, so at this point, it's simply to continue to do, or to find things I want to do for me besides those things. I also don't want to overload myself and make me feel like I've got a million chores to track, because then I'm distracted by "needing" to do those things instead of wanting to.

@Zigzag Idiot @DrewNows @tsuki Thanks for the encouragement, all. I was hitting a bit of a low point immediately after posting that. Simultaneous thoughts of "no one cares" and "do I really trust" were warring in my head. Your responses have helped shut both of those warring factions up. Precisely this. I know I'm "behind" a bunch of you who have already found themselves. I've only done the most basic work of questioning my beliefs and allowing myself to be wrong. I shared this previously, but I don't really hold any of my beliefs anymore as absolute truth. I've seen how they can be warped and changed either by myself or others. If I tell you that I believe in God, you warp that belief to your own definition of God. You might think of a detached old man Santa Claus floating up in the clouds and sending judgment down on us. Or you might think of the bearded white dude Jesus who dressed and lived like a hippie with his 12 boyfriends. Invariably, no matter what picture you envision, it doesn't represent my belief, nor does it represent the entirety of what God is or could be. The same thing happens with almost any belief I could share. The second issue I find is that I don't even know right now what I want. I don't have any desires for myself asides from things like wanting to be lazy and work less, asides from the connection I mentioned. Those two desires seem at odds with each other, though. Connection requires work, which is probably why I've been resistant so long. I just want it to be given to me. @tsuki I look forward to your observations when you get a chance.

You say we don't understand, don't know you, that we're wrong. Help us understand. Why exactly are you leaving? You say you don't like the egos on the forum. Yes, there's a lot of ego. We all have ego. You included. If you didn't have a massive ego, you wouldn't be going through every post, rereading your own wisdom, and resharing it. You wouldn't delete your posts if you had no ego. You maybe think you're deleting your ego with it, but you're simply growing it. You have several people here who are genuinely concerned about you. Some of what you're saying sounds like depression. Some of it sounds like the same walls many others have hit on their path to enlightenment. You are pushing hard against anyone who challenges your view. Why? It's ok to want to leave. People grow and move on. But what you're doing here looks like a cry for help. The people who love you are standing up and asking how they can help. Open up to us. Even if you have to do so in PMs. But more importantly, open up to yourself.

Impossible. People will remember. I remember people from a forum from 12 years ago. If you have an impact on someone, they will remember. You have made an impact.

Warning, this is a long post. And I'm not sure I really want to say what I'm saying but what else is this journal for? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUdaVwxdnak Not sure if listening to Teal Swan is the most productive way to do my work, but I'm leaving as soon as I finish this post anyways. If you watch the above video, there's some audio technical issues at that conference. Don't let it distract you, if you can help it. This poor guy has gone through a lot worse things than I have, but he has a similar goal: connection. Teal challenged him to dig into what he really wanted, the part of himself that he was denying. It took me a while to realize that I've been doing something similar. Actually, it took me about a half hour into the 31 minute video. I want connection. Whether it's with family or friends, but especially with my family. My family was never connected when I was young. My parents never divorced. I had 3 siblings plus myself. You would think a large family like that would be tight-knit. We grew up in a trailer, then moved to a 2-story home that was essentially as large as a trailer, and then my parents built a frickin mansion on the shore. It was about this time that our family began to really drift apart, although there were some cracks before then. My parents were extremely strict. One of their rules was that none of us were allowed to date until college. We all broke that rule. Pretty sure even my parents didn't follow that rule. I don't understand exactly why they had that rule and clung to it so much, but that one rule probably did more to tear apart our family than anything else. Why? Because each of us had to be extremely secretive during our formative years. We were unable to communicate with our parents openly, and we were unable to communicate with our siblings because we held a secret that, if it got out, would take away something that we held dear. My oldest sister had a boyfriend who was a nice guy. We never knew he was a boyfriend specifically, but it was obvious. She was the least destructive of the four of us, I'm sure. In return, my parents care about her likely the most out of us four. My older brother absolutely destroyed his life in high school. I remember singing a song about "Jesus is closer than a brother," and thinking that he damn well better be, because my brother sucks. I don't know everything that he did, but what I do know is something I am glad I never was a part of. There were rumors of drugs, girls (maybe guys too? not sure), plus I knew he would smash up mailboxes, likely while drunk. And he would take out his frustrations on me as well. I've done my best to forgive him for that, but there's still definitely a defensive wall in place. I was forced to work with my brother for quite a while. I was able to remain professional, but I admit I was more than happy when he was fired. My other sister wasn't much better. Feeling abandoned by her family and constrained by rules, she turned around and abandoned us. For about a year in high school, she left the house and lived with someone else, refusing to come home. I felt like she abandoned me personally. She was the person I was closest to out of the four of us, and although I expected to drift apart in high school, her leaving really crushed me. It left the burden of all the housework on me as my oldest two siblings were in college and my parents for some reason decided that they didn't want to clean their frickin mansion while they had a slave child around. When she finally came back, she was completely different. She was anti-social, had walls up everywhere, and there was no connection with her ever again from that point. I had very little freedom in high school until my other sister left for college, and even then, I rarely did much more than drive to school, come home from school, and maybe go to my piano lessons an hour away (which I turned into a half hour in my car). I was chronically depressed, and the only thing I could do was attempt to gain this connection by proving my value. I did this at home by being the opposite of rebellious; I worked hard for school and piano, never neglected church, was my parents' little cherub. At school, I joined as many extracurricular clubs as I could, worked hard to stay in the "smart kids" clique, and tried to form friendships with anyone who would give me the time of day. Unfortunately, very few have lasted to this day. Skipping a little for personal reasons, Mandy and I started dating at the start of my senior year. I turned all my focus on pleasing her, and in doing so, I ended up changing. I was so desperate for connection that I would do anything for the one person who wanted a real connection with me. I believe I changed for the better, and I'm happy with what I changed into as I discarded the things I was unhappy about. On graduation from college, I received an ultimatum both from my parents and from her. Both were at odds. My parents required that I go to a Christian college in South Carolina. Mandy required that I didn't. This was after high school was over; I was already accepted at this college. I began to look for alternative colleges, which was only the second time I really rebelled against my parents' wishes (the first was dating Mandy). They came up with a far worse college in North Carolina, and I went to visit it with my mother, hoping it would be an intermediate option. It was not. I can't even remember the name of the second college, but the idea of going there for four years terrified me once I came back. I told my parents I would not go to an extreme college and instead would go to their alma mater, a state college two hours away. The upside of this college was that it had an engineering program whereas the other two did not. Following my parents' plan, I would have had to have 4 years in an unrelated major, then transfer into an accredited college from an unaccredited one, and go to college another 3-4 years to get my real degree. 8 years of college, half of which was in an extreme school that made you feel like you were at church the whole time. Two years at the state college, and I was on track to graduate the following year. My parents got a new pastor at their Church. They talked to him, and this pastor decided that I was a terrible person. And so they gave me another ultimatum. I was to attend every church service, work for my father starting at 8 in the morning everyday during the summer, and if I was able to get by without getting three strikes, then they would continue to pay for my college. I worked my butt off, and I didn't get a single strike the entire summer. But that wasn't enough for their new pastor. He convinced my parents to kick me out of their house, cut off all funding, and essentially Force everyone that I knew to cease all communication with me. The only people from home that I could talk to were Mandy and her family, as well as my grandmother. No one could tell her what to do. This was the point where I decided that I would search myself and my beliefs. I focused inwards and found what parts that I believed I actually held and which parts were things that were just given to me that I believed because I was supposed to. This was a very difficult time for me, but I got through it with the help of several friends at college, my wife-to-be, and my grandmother. I have never felt more disconnected in my life. Fast forward to now. That old Pastor is gone and I now work for my father. I still have zero relationship with anyone in my family. My grandmother has died, my friends from college have all gone away, and now all I really have is my wife. I'm so I'm desperate to hang on to this one connection. For a while, it was obvious that connection was starting to fade. It's difficult to keep a connection going when both sides are exhausted all the time. It was even more difficult when I felt it was easier to give up than to try. Only recently did I actually try again to rekindle the connection that we lost. That's probably my fear in my desire, hanging in the balance on this one connection. I truly believed for years that without her, I am nothing. But this puts her in a terrible position of being my everything. How exhausting and difficult must it be to be the everything for two children and your spouse? A lot of responsibility on one person. I'm just now really starting to figure this part out. Telling your wife that she's your everything becomes a lot less romantic when it's literally true. It's not sweet when it becomes more of a cry for help than anything else. It's not loving when it becomes a small child crying for affection. So I need to focus inwards. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I need to focus on. I'm still resistant to the idea that focusing on my appearance actually gets me what I want. But for now, it's what she wants. I figure that's a good enough place to start until I figure out what I want to focus on.

@now is forever Please stay and save us from that hell. @mandyjw <3 Don't read the above sentence.

I think I need to work on the first half of this video before I even approach the second half, but both are quite interesting.