Time Traveler
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Everything posted by Time Traveler
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Visualization I was trying to visualize my refuge (a place where I can relax and get ready for new battles) and I decide to try alpine skiing cause I like it very much. I choose shallow place to slide down in a relaxed manner, but route gets steeper and steeper and I go down much faster as I could in reality. At last I cannot take a turn and crashed in woods This wasn't exactly relaxing, but I got nice shivers all over the body Today I am grateful for: kind words from my wife guys from SQLMaestro who offers nice software with 30 days trial Robin Nixon's great book about DB design weather gets warmer every day so many useful info available from internet my pension I managed to interchange sitting at computer with outdoor activities I managed to test 6 tools for code generation and found one that fits me my success with learning DB design
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Visualization I'm not completely hopeless. Although I still cannot visualize big goals and such things, I am training visualizing actions I plan to do today. Like some construction to mend furnace. Strange, but it works better than ordinary designing with pen and paper. Other I am starting to use conception of self-image. When I become aware of some negative thoughts, feelings, etc, I ask myself: "what is my self-image at this moment ? Do I wish to be like that ?". And it helps. I then try to change self-image responsive for negativity to such that I wish to see in myself. From today I am starting my gratitude list as advised in Psycho Cybernetics audio presentation. Today I am grateful for: 1) my wife's former colleague who drive 20 km just to give me advice on my car 2) my wife's moral support and advice 3) my dog came home after fucking around for 3 days 4) wonderful warm spring day 5) 20 more liters of fresh birch juice 6) my perfect physical healtf 7) I managed to fill containers with birch juice to ferment for summer 8) my success with visualization 9) my success with PHP/MySQL studies
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So many different answers. And all are correct
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First evening I listened to 6 hour audio on Youtube before I fell asleep. I remember about 2 types of visualization: 1) when I see myself as in movie. In that movie I have reached my goals or act in very effective ways to reach them or (at least) see some scenes from my past where I dealt with something very effectively. 2) when I imagine doing some actions feeling inside my body (used by athletes to train some movements, e.g. basketball player who train throwing ball into basket) Next morning I decided to try to visualize graphical user interface to software I need to make fast and it was very useful. Later, when I was actually coding, I felt much better about my project. I couldn't contrive what to do with second type. Imagine doing some karate kicks ? Or how I will mend my furnace ? Btw, good idea about furnace, I'll definitely try it. Then there was one relaxation technique I remember where one should imagine some comfortable hiding place but I couldn't think of that one either. I feel stressed wherever I am.
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Today I am starting my 60 day challenge of eliminating some stupid stuff from my life. I always feel that I haven't enough time, but nevertheless I am wasting my time and energy for pure bullshit, like masturbation, eating too much (both things to comfort me, cause life's so hard), playing games on PC and reading shit on net (both just to avoid doing proper stuff, cause again, life's hard and doing proper stuff is even harder, but playing games is oh, so easy and I can forget about all my troubles, etc, etc, etc) I have done recording of exact time consumption for every activity and results was terrifying. After that I tried to reduce time waste, bet not for long. I know, I can do that. I have quit smoking (long ago) and alcohol consumption (not so long ago). Smoking was harder. But I need some sort of motivation and I hope this journal will help me. I swear, I'll be totally honest. To avoid the shame of telling you that: "I fapped for 2 hours today and then played 8-ball pool for 3 hours and then read news for an hour and when there was nothing left to read, turned back to pool", I will find a motivation. OK, 60DC starts today (16.feb.2016) and continues till 16.apr.2016 (my birthday, ha, ha, ha, what a coincidence, another trick from my subconscious mind I suppose) Wish me good luck !
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Summary after challenge No games - easy accomplished 100%. One of my biggest time parasites eliminated. No silly internet browsing - accomplished 50%. I will continue to work on this after challenge. No fap, no porn - not for me. It is like water rising every day in spring and then the flood goes off, I cannot stop it. And, frankly, I even don't see why I should. If some day I will learn how to transform sexual energy to something more valuable , then I'll return to this issue. Conclusion Definitely it was useful experience. Accountability helps to keep to plan - I doubt if I could have been able to abandon gaming so easy without journal.
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I have tried visualization few times, but I cannot design relevant visual scenes that would picture my desired state. Looks like visualization is good for extroverts who wish to make impression on public, like actors, musicians public speakers, business negotiators, dealers. All of these are easy to depict visually. But what if I want to become a successful programmer and be happy about my job ? Not money, not new house, car etc, but just enjoy the process. Successful programmers sit at the computer, look at the screen and type on the keyboard. Unsuccessful do exactly the same only sometimes get up and kick wastebasket, but successful ones sometimes does it too. Then what should I visualize ?
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Lost again in day B29-30 (March 31) Fuck ! I don't know how it happened but I just started to watch porn. It was almost on autopilot, some random image ... I remember, I watched Pinterest, how to draw humans, there was drawings of sexy woman, I think this was the moment the battle was lost, then I watched porn for almost 2 days, turning it off and on and telling myself to stop, but I cannot stop watching until I fapped. Now I am depressed and don't know what to do. Iļl take a pause and think it over.
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Days B19 - B28 (March 29) I was very busy these days with project which I must do quickly, but to do this I need to learn massive amounts of knowledge. All my energy goes into this and nothing is left for fapping. I'm not even interested in watching porn or playing games at the moment. But in the moments when my head feels like it will explode from new knowledge I need some way to change focus. When it is daylight time I go out and do something in my house or garden, but in the night I just read news on internet. I think that meditation would be correct way but somehow I automatically switch to news reading.
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Day B15 - B18 (March 19) The news about my death have been greatly exaggerated. Was very busy these days. No fap no games, but I've returned to frequent news browsing to take some minutes off from work. I know that in these cases it's much better to do something physical or just meditate for few minutes, but browsing news is easier. Need to work on that. So far only hard deliberate work on something meaningful can divert me from sexual stimulation, I just put more pressure to work and sexual tension goes away. But if I give me some rest then it's next to impossible divert from sexual tension. Does it means that I need to become workaholic to cure porn addiction ?
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Day B13, 14 Feeling depressed. Watched movies and slept long hours. No porn/fap today.
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Day B11, 12 Still browsed inet and watched movies to divert attention from porn/fap. No porn/fap today.
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Day B10 Still browsed inet and watched movies to divert attention from porn/fap. It was hard. No porn/fap today.
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Day B9 Bad day. Watched porn many times. Stopped, then watched again. Luckily, I didn't touched myself. Don't know how to release tension. All nofap sites is full of talk about benefits, but I cannot find anything practical.
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Day B8 Browsed internet bullshit too much. Was tempted to watch sexy babes, but checked myself. Tension is growing again, sexual scenes in dreams, etc.
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Day B7 (Tuesday, March 8) Busy all day no time for shit. Looks like problem with addictions is too many free time
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Happiness Consciousness Power Safety Pleasure Purpose Self respect Discipline Truth Growth
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Day B4, B5,B6 Busy all day no time for shit.
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I thought it over and came up with a revised list: Safety Pleasure Purpose Discipline Knowledge Passion Growth Power Entertainment Fame Maybe it's not the last version, haven't thought about the subject much.
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Day B3 Zero shit
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- food - safety - warm & cozy shelter - good sleep - something tasty - good servants - all kinds of pleasure - money - all kinds of entertainment - ???
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Day B2 Struggled with urge to visit pornsites. To divert attention visited news sites more than needed and also searched our forum.
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something about discovering root cause of all problems, really hurt my eyes
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Just looked one of her videos and I think it would be the only and last one for me. She looks very phony to me, some flashy moving lights were added to background that hurt my eyes and she talked bullshit what (I suppose) she has read somewhere. It looked like she don't believe what she talked about. I suppose that sometimes she could provide something useful, but I don't think it would pay to filter all that jazz.
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IMO, journey always start by seeking achievements and only later when one understands that achievements are not solutions to their deep problems he starts seeking inner change. Tell anyone who are struggling financially that if he wins big in lottery eventually he will end in big shit, deeper than he is in now. He won't believe you. Only after many external achievements people are able to believe that they need to change from inside.
