Codrina

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Everything posted by Codrina

  1. @Artiekee Hei. No, haven't heard of it. I did hear about Ayurveda, and read a bit about it. Nothing about a clock. I have read 'Rest' and it talks a lot about the importance of work intertwined with rest. Of getting up early for intensive work. Of how different successful people used to organise their days. I am just trying to make it work for me and my dog. I wish to have time in the day for all activities. 5:44 today Woke up from a dream with my 'friend'. I guess I am still going through the motions. I looked up 5:44 meaning and the first results were Matthew 5:44 'But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you; ' I guess it was Spirit's way of telling me he is not my friend and I should love him and be kind. Oh, well, I did all of that. I just didn't want to believe he's my enemy, because a part of me knew. The rest of the day was good. Kept to my schedule, except for the evening read. It was a rainy day today. Cleaned the house on good rhythms, dancing and singing.
  2. I forgot to upload the picture.
  3. Sunday 5:35 Monday 6:05 Today 5:17. Getting there. Slowly but surely. I rewrote the daily routine to better fit afternoon and evening. We'll see how it goes. Today was Yoga day. It was really good. My body is getting stronger. I managed to stand on my hands for a bit. Within the easy work hours I schedule activities like grocery shopping, cleaning, Yoga, and actual work when there are no other obligations. In the near future I will schedule guitar lessons ? and socializing within the same structure. I had planned to launch everything at the end of the month. I might have to stretch within the first week of June, as well. We'll see how it goes I can feel the anxiousness creeping every time I think I am approaching the finish line - completely exposing myself to the world. Scares me to some level. I was pondering the feeling this morning, while writing my morning pages. It's the same feeling I had every time I jumped out of the plane, heart beating faster, tingling within the hands and feet; and I would push through it, out the door and the air would hit me in the face and then silence. Total calm, floating, watching the horizon. I am hoping to find the same feeling once I throw myself out of this plane.
  4. @Artiekee Good luck! I am really enjoying my new routine. I felt tired the first week and a bit. I am getting used to it now. It feels easy. Like I get less resistance and my body feels light (I think that has a lot to do with me keeping an all clean, whole foods vegan diet - no sugar, no flour, just a dash of olive oil) Pictures from today, to whom ever wishes to admire. I had a lot of fun. 21 km of woodland, 1580m cumulative climb, maximum speed 23km/h, average speed 5.3km/h (return included). The water was 'warm' enough that I could actually swim and even my dog joined me (she didn't for the last 3 or 4 baths I had because of the ice cold water) https://photos.app.goo.gl/mNM6Lc8yxzL4jMLZ9
  5. 5:35 today. Yesterday 6:15, Thursday 5:15, Wednesday 6:05. Keeping to my routine. Today is my day off. I woke up, did the morning exercise, had a worm bath, coffee with my three pages and then I cooked breakfast. Packed it all, took my dog and my backpack and went for a swim. I just finished having breakfast. I have another 20 min of walking/running to the lake. I am sitting to let the food settle. I am happy I decided to come. I was in doubt when I woke up because of the cloudy weather. But I think the sun will be out soon and the view was magical.
  6. Saturday 6:07 Sunday 6:04 Monday 5:20 Today 6:15 It seems that 6 am is my new natural. Out of 12 days three were 5 something. That's progress. I went from 8:30 to 7 and now 6. By the end of the three months, 5 am will be the new normal I kept to my routine and my goals. I am feeling a bit tired today and my mood is not as great, but I feel at peace and certain. I have enjoyed painting for the last few days. I am happy I've structured my working days to alternate between website, painting, jewelry, writing. It makes the work easier. As soon as I get tired of working on one thing, I get to move to another, then another, then circle back. It keeps things fresh and interesting.
  7. 5:40 Keeping it going! Yeah! Second square to colour. Kept to my routine and for the evening , relaxing work I painted my balcony. It's been raining for a week or so, but today was mostly sunny and warm. I can't wait to have my - before 6am - coffee there. My veggies are growing as well. I see a beautiful summer ahead. Day off tomorrow. I'm not sure what I want to do yet. Go running to the lake or relax at home and paint. With all this work I've been putting into my website, I would enjoy painting for a change. I'll let my morning pages decide. Cup of tea and a book. Good night
  8. 6:15 yesterday. I stuck to the routine in a good mood throughout the day. Today is the 7th day and I woke up 5:15 It is the first square I got to fill in. So happy. Work is going well, the routine is working. I am very excited. My mood is stable so far. I can see my mind getting a bit more active, but I catch it before it takes over and release the energies. I like Michael Singer's method of releasing blocked energy, which creates uncomfortable thoughts. Good night
  9. 6:05am. What a beautiful day. I am amazed at how my routine is going. Today, I had set 3 goals. Write the first story and sketch the illustration for it. I started the morning with the story. It was in my Evernote journal since December. I read and rewrote it until it sounded right ( you know, all the proper writing techniques - repeating words, concrete ideas, phrases,etc). It surprised me to see it was done 3 min before 9am. Went for a run, prepared breakfast and 10:50am sat down to draw. I finished the sketch by 1:59pm. When I saw the clock I stopped and wondered. I had lunch and at 3:15pm went out for a walk. Played with the dogs. My third goal for the day was a session of Yoga. I looked into a few on YouTube and went for a 40 min Vinyasa one. It was a lot of fun. I could not stand on my hands, but Tuesday is Yoga day, so, looking forward to when I'll manage to do that as well. It was a bit over 5pm when I finished with Yoga. I sat to meditate for 15 min. Thought about some manual, non cognitive work to do. It was a rainy day, so didn't feel like painting my balcony in the cold and wet weather. I took ' The Artist's Way ' exercises for this week; looked over them and did 3. At 7 I had some fruit for dinner and then a nice walk, combined with some running. Now in bed, going to sleep soon. I am happy to see the morning routine is working well. I still need to tweak a bit the post lunch one. My body requires a proper meal at 2pm and preparing and eating my meals takes me around 1:20 min - I was always a slow eater. Overall, pleased with my progress. Thank you, spirit!
  10. 6:20 this morning after being waked up at 4:22 by some in the street. I am happy to see I stick to my daily routine and don't encounter huge resistance. I must've done something right. Website is going well. I can't wait to see it done. ? Over all, still feeling tired, but calm. The mania wore off. I wonder when the sadness will kick in
  11. 6 am today ? Making progress. I kept fairy easy to the schedule. I guess I nailed the start this time. The hardest thing is getting out of bed. The alarm rings at 5, I push it half an hour, it rings again, I turn it off, I dream some more, I wake up - it's 6. I have to get out of bed, but I feel tired. I want to sleep. Hello resistance. It only takes, for me to get up to beat it; so I stand, walk a couple of steps and write, satisfied, 6:00, next to the 5am on my schedule. I lay lazy on the floor and do some exercises. I start to, slowly, wake up. Finish with a few push ups and go for a cold shower. I feel refreshed. I make myself a cup of coffee, a bit of soy milk and take a sit at my desk for the three pages. I relax, enjoy the coffee and put my thoughts on paper. What a beautiful morning. The three pages are done. It's 7:20. Time for work. The rest of the day runs smoothly. Now, in bed with a book. Going to sleep soon. Good night
  12. @RevoCulture You are like a breath of fresh air @Nahm Love your words always. Truly a blessing @Consept Well said @cypres Good advice right there This is the whole point of spiritual work. To be able to enjoy life, no matter what. It is fun to make plans and have goals and it feels good to not get wrapped up in the outcome, but to enjoy the journey. Even in dark times - and they always come - to be able to sit with the energies that are moving within, feel them, observe them, the thoughts they give birth to and let them go. Cause everything is in a state of constant movement, so why cling to anything? Good or bad? I find Michael Singer's method of letting go very helpful. @Ya know More good advice @dvdas Leo is sharing his perspective on the same truth as everyone who looked for it and saw a glimpse. He is sharing his path. You should never take his word on it, nor follow the path if it doesn't resonate with you. And, just as you look into different models of shoes before buying one, you should also research different paths of reaching the truth before embarking on one. My instinct tells me that the common traits are the ones to follow- 'The man without sin should cast the first stone' - blaming game is working against you - always question everything - and nothing is ever wrong - work towards love and compassion - many others - look for them, keep what you need, let go of the rest - stop placing blame - nobody is in need of saviors. @Stretch There's plenty of good pointers here on this page. Hope one of them will shine some light on your obstacles.
  13. My vision board is there to remind me of the direction I want to go. It contains the people which influenced me and I highly admire, my artistic concept, a list of high vibration words, a list of my values , my dream relationship and my newly created schedule - the outlaid plan for the first month - daily/morning routine - the morning part is highly important for me now, the next two months I left opened (they are basically a rotation between work on a weekly illustrated story, a weekly video, weekly work on jewellery) - this is year is dedicated to my financial independence and self-sufficiency - that implies getting my work out there - website, social media, doing the actual labor - a lot of ideas were given to me in the last few years and it took me a while to get here to be able to materialize them. You can see I left space to complete actions as time goes by. The month of May is laid out with a few daily goals - between one and 4, depending on the day. I left most evenings opened for different activities as time goes on. At the end of each day I write accomplishments I see fit to write there - tiny space and I have other writing habits as well. I only scheduled my daily routine. I pointed goals to reach in different time frames. As my work grows and develops, new goals will be born. The intention is to keep my daily routine. No matter what. Saturday is a resting day. I keep that for fun activities within the same structure. I wish to wake up, go to sleep, eat and work at the same time every day. I am dedicating the next three months to this. It takes 90 days to install new habits. At the end of the three months I'll set goals for the next three. This year is all about developing my work and putting out there. My goal for next year is to work towards family and friends (as in get me some). I might ease into it this year, but it is not a priority. The five year plan sits on my right on the wall in my work room (the vision board is in the bedroom). On the five year plan I outlined in more detail the first year. I might share that one at the end of this three months. I am a bit nervous about that now. Hope this helps (I might dedicate one evening to write my daily routine and the five year plan prettier)
  14. 6:30 today, 6:30 Friday. I think I went through a manic phase. I wonder if it was triggered by the tub on chocolate ice-cream I decided to have Thursday morning, or was it just the changes in astrological energies. Or maybe the change in energy guided me to that tub of ice-cream, so it would trigger a manic phase, so I would open to the powerful insights, open to the immense flow - i guess it's a mystery for now. Whether spirit worked through the material to help open up my mind or not, the effect is the same. I was inspired to finally put my goals on paper. In mid April I decided to take the next three months to implement the new habits I want and to work towards my goals. So, I decided to give my self all the time I need to recover, to cry, to rest, to do work as much as I feel like and before the first day of May, to set up my plan. So, on 30th of April I did exactly that. I took a few hours - I thought about what I want to accomplish within the next 5 years - I then wrote down what I can do each year. I then looked at the first year and wrote down what I can do this next three months. I then took the first month and wrote what I can do every week. I then took every week and placed the goals throughout the days, so as to give time to everything - goals, rest, enjoyment, daily responsibilities, unseen events. I then created a morning/ daily routine to guide me through all of it. I placed it all on my vision board. I have been slowly adding things to it, since February, after I finished arranging my new home. It is, finally, complete. Doing this triggered a huge wave of excitement. It came with a huge burst of energy, vision, inspiration, Thursday and Friday night I had to take my notebook and write down the ideas which were coming, cause they would not let me sleep. I slept for about 3 hours both nights. Woke up excited every day and kept to the plan. I progressed a lot with my website and I finally have the all the steps I need to take written down in front of me. Last night I got a good 7 hours sleep. So, I think I am slowly settling into the new energy. I feel grateful and excited.
  15. Yes, I saw him on Tom Bilyeu's show and I started the cold showers the very next day. I enjoyed them a lot - I guess it was the feeling of over coming something difficult and feeling refreshed afterwards. So, I keep them going. I only had 4 really cold baths, one of them in a frozen lake. And I don't do the breathing exercises. I don't have the patience for that. But, when in the shower, the breath intensifies - you naturally breathe in deep into the belly and fill up your lungs to maximum capacity and barely exhale.
  16. 24 days. 24 days of me lingering around the same issues. Waking up at 7 am most days, not doing much work - some, non the less. Did a lot of introspection. Started a new habit of writing 3 pages every morning before getting out of bed. I like it. I want to make it a habit of writing them at my desk, though. I think it might make me start my day with more ease. I had a few good insights and ideas in this time. I did not go through with the water fast. But I kept away from my friend. I am still trying to figure out the dynamics. What are the needs i am not meeting for myself? Awareness alone is not curative. It just hit me that I never dropped the story. I was wondering how does dropping the story help with a situation, cause I am dealing with a narcissist again. And I thought I had dropped the story of me being raised by a narcissistic father and the sort of issues it had caused, but I just realized I never did. I actually just tried to fix the problem that story has created. I was able to detach from it to some degree, but never actually dropped it. I guess it's time to drop that story. Wisdom towards self: The fact that your father is a narcissist and didn't have your needs met as a child does not have to define you. It is not a life sentence unless you choose it to be. If you did not get acceptance, understanding and attention as a child, you are free to offer all of that to yourself now. If your opinions and needs were not taken seriously, you can take yourself seriously now. HOW YOU FEEL MATTERS!
  17. Pretty heavy indeed. I woke up 7 am for the last 3 days. Today 6 am. Didn't do any work, just processed through the motions. I did not see my friend at all until yesterday. He actually wrote to me on Friday, asking me if I would go visit - I said no, told him if he wants to see me he can come and visit. He did not like that. Same thing Saturday - he wrote me to go and visit him, I said no - he got really angry - he called me to tell me how I suck and all that. Really ruined my mood after a really fun day - I ran downhill, walked uphill for 7.5 miles through the woods to the lake, had a really cold bath - I managed to stay in the water for 7 minutes - felt horrible for the first half, then my body hurt less, before my alarm went off I was actually thinking I could swim for a bit. I then returned home on the same path. Stopped to meditate with the trees at one point. Such beauty...and then my friend, all enraged because I would not go see him - I felt really upset and heavy for the rest of the evening. Yesterday felt really heavy as well. I actually laid on the floor all day with my laptop and food. My friend wrote to me in the afternoon asking me if I wanted to take my dog to the park, he was there with his dog. I went. He talked about his frustration that he cannot go flying - he's a paraglider. He spent 2 minutes on 'us' and that was him saying: 'I got so angry yesterday. I wasn't this angry in a long time. But I will not apologize for it.' I asked him if he asked himself why he got so angry. He said he's not on the psychology hour. I couldn't be bothered with anything. I just let him speak while admiring the sun, the trees, the dogs. After maybe an hour of small talk he left for groceries and I returned to my floor and laptop. Today I started my day with half an hour of yoga and maybe 20 min meditation, didn't check the clock. I think I will implement this habit again, I feel it really helped in the past, start the day with three yoga exercises from Sadhguru: Yoga for Health, Yoga for Success, Yoga for Overall Well being - in this order, then a cold shower I am completely disconnecting for the next 7-10 days. I am on a water fast as well - I want to go with it for at least 3 days. I'll see you all on the other side Take care
  18. @Artiekee Thank you. I started this Journal to keep me going with my goal - i feel it'a a hard one and i could use the motivation of public pressure As for the openness, it worries me sometimes...I like to think I am doing it to help with my quest for truth (I used to lie often in my younger days) - I always tell people exactly what's on my mind, being careful to put it in a kind way - but people don't usually share as much as I do (apparently oversharing is a borderline thing as well - not sure how to look at his one ), and that leaves me, sometimes, asking myself if there's something wrong with me - I guess I still have issues to overcome or peculiarities to love I do love that line in 'Start again' a song by Sam Fender: 'Let’s learn to talk Without the fear of being heard 'Cause everybody’s listening to everything and everybody' I have learned much from other people's experience. I am happy if others can learn from mine
  19. @modmyth Yes, I get that as well. But I will usually not be very productive. I gain energy throughout the day, do some work, then in the evening, when the energy peeks, I will go out dancing - it's like although I have the energy, there is no working mood. That's why I prefer waking up early - I do the work, and later in the day I can unwind anyway I choose, without feeling guilty for it. My body is still adjusting to it, though. I am being understanding and giving it time. I am also trying to figure out the best order in actions: what time to have breakfast, breaks, work etc. Today I woke up at 5:50 am. Worked for and hour and a bit and now I'm having coffee after breakfast. I will go for a run and then back to do some more work. I do paint professionally - I did more decorative painting - I mostly had a side job as well - but now I have one's year budget to allow me to get into full time painting/illustration - more on the inner and outer life exploration this time - I guess I have matured enough for it @Thittato I am not sure about 'lashing out'. Nor an 'identity crisis' - I did tell my friend at one point that my name 'Codrina' is almost non-existent - there is one other person with this name I know of, and has a business that's named after her in the city I went to University, so growing up, I had no model of a human being called Codrina - I was the only one - so I felt unique all my life - my dad used to tell me I'm unique all the time, as well I don't think I am borderline. I have borderline tendencies. I have come to this insight after much introspecting my actions/reactions within my interactions with my friend for the last two months. I believe everything we encounter in life is for our benefit, for our growth. So I asked myself often what is it that I am supposed to learn from this - he was not an ideal partner, with all the addictions and manipulations, he was clear from the beginning that he was using me for sex, and I would still find myself fantasizing about a future together. I had a feeling there was something there so I kept going with it until I had my breakthrough. My borderline tendencies, as I see them are: - a fear of abandonment - I would worry about getting fired within the first couple of months in a new job - I would worry about boyfriends I liked that they don't like me - I chose to have two long relationships with two men I wasn't crazy about (not very pretty and as insecure as me), but whom I learned to love and appreciate - because I perceived them as being lower in the hierarchy I was comfortable they would not leave me - but I ended up leaving them in the end - often changing physical appearance - I had long hair, really short hair, dreadlocks 3 times, I was blond, brunette, red haired, bangs, no bangs, heavy metal, punk, hipster look - it was always my own style, though - I feel throughout my experiences there was always an underlying identity which studied everyone around and took bits and pieces and added to it, while removing what was not serving it anymore - I never felt completely lost, just always morphing .... and I'm not sure that's something bad - isn't that how you grow? - consistency in personality seems more worrisome to me - I stood my ground if I felt like I was right - sometimes despite of everyone around me telling me otherwise - I stood with my truth - unstable relationships - this one applies for my teenage years, when I used to go from boy to boy, from 12 to 17, when I decided to settle with my first 6 year relationship - changing my mind often, like I would have an idea about what I want to do, work on it for a couple of years, then change my mind, come up with something else, studied architecture, gave that up after 4 years, came up with 'FlowerPowerLamps' did that for a few years, then I wanted to live in Spain, worked with that idea for a while, then i thought about studying in Scotland - ended up living in England, then wanted to go live in Spain again and now I'm back in my hometown :))) I wonder where will life take me next - impulsive, self-destructive behavior - that manifests through getting really drunk and sometimes having unprotected sex with strangers - that's my go to when I feel overwhelmed - but I quit drinking, sugar and wheat, so now I find myself eating cake when I feel bad - and it makes my body inflamed and my articulations hurt - I had a year of nothing of this sort, hopefully I'll get back there again - extreme emotional swings- definitely - but I see that more into the bipolar side, because they tend to last for days/weeks/months - not often big spikes throughout the day - chronic feelings of emptiness - I don't feel it often, but when I do, it's intense - explosive anger - again, it's something that used to be present - it doesn't really happen anymore -that scanning for possible partners - isn't that something all people do? Why do people go out? I don't know...I wish for a partner to share this life with - I don't want to suppress that - I tried it and I feel it made it come out in a needy, ugly form - I try to acknowledge this need, understand it and manifest it in a positive way. I added this to my vision board a few weeks back, when I realized it From what I've been studying, borderline is something that most people grow out of with age. I am 32, and have few of these traits left, and definitely not as intense as they used to be. It is not something to worry about. It is interesting that it had been brought to my attention through this encounter with an old friend - I see a twin flame connection between us, but that's not something to talk to him about - he is not into spirituality - he does not have a practice, nor gives much attention to it - it feels our connection is coming to an end, though, at least from my side. I am quite happy for my new found awareness - the highly enhanced senses to the flow of energy - to color, to form (for the last couple of years, on and off, but mostly on, everything just glows like it only used to when I was on weed) - I do my best return to present and not get carried away by my mind's stories, especially if they don't feel good - would love to hear Nahm's view on the borderline expression of humanity Wish you all the best!
  20. 7 am - no painting today. Deep cleaning the house, cooking and washing, reading, therapy, two rounds of running in the woods - the evening one all the way to the top of the cliff. Meditation soon and rest. Tomorrow ' To begin again from the beginning ' someone was saying in ' Waking Life '
  21. 5:10 am. Yes! Painted for a little over an hour. But I decided the painting is done. I spent the rest of the day between food, another hour of sleep at noon, run and walk in the forest, lectures on borderline personality. Meditation now and sleep. This is what I've been working on
  22. Today 8 am. Painted for 4-5 hours. Yesterday 9 am, didn't paint, but recuperated after Saturday evening - I went to my friend for dinner and went to bed at 2 am. I was upset with myself yesterday morning. I woke up in my friend's bed, after an evening of me watching him drink one beer after another, with cigarettes and joints in between, while I was on tea and water - listening to him talk about himself all night (at least he is a very interesting character) I saw myself in the screen at one point laying in on him - it was such a strange image for me - I looked like a predator - not a pretty one - I was not seeing myself like that in my head - I immediately removed myself from the couch and took a seat in an armchair. He got too drunk to love me that night and when I woke up I just got dressed and went home - didn't stay for coffee. So, after this pretty experience, I spent yesterday thinking about my behavior - my predator instincts - I could see this trait in my previous interactions with men - the fact that I haven't been in a relationship for the last two years helped me to ignore this part of me - and I realized how I'm always scanning for possible mates if I'm not in a relationship - and how I get all excited about broken men I researched some more my behavior and came to the conclusion that I have borderline personality tendencies - I guess that's where my co-dependency issues stem from But of course, all is Love and one level down, all is energy. In my last night's meditation - without any intentions (my meditation consists of sitting in half lotus for 40-60 min and observe what's going on within,body,mind) - I realized, at one point, that my awareness is concentrated somewhere in my upper left hemisphere - like way up left, so I focused it down in my right side as well - it was like a body of water - I got it to come down and kinda level between the left and right, but I noticed it has the tendency to climb back up on the left. I realized then, that I look more through my left eye, than my right. All day today I've been paying attention to this, and consciously bringing my awareness into my right side. It is so strange - I think this has something to do with the unbalance on my face and through my body - the right side of my face is lower and bigger - I had this theory at one point, that if you ignore something, that something will get bigger to catch your attention - I was trying to figure out how I'm ignoring my right side - now I know - I wonder what caused this focus in my left hemisphere to begin with - it also makes sense now, that I have blockages on my left side (varicose veins in my left foot, a thing in my left breast) - too much energy can do that. I wonder if my nose is curving to the right because of the huge energy flow on the left, like a river pushing the earth out of it's path. I am excited to see how this new found awareness is going to improve the balance of my mind and body. Now meditation, sleep and 5 am tomorrow
  23. 6 am Painted for 5 hours today ?
  24. 5:50 Shower (I always start my day with a cold shower), breakfast, coffee I haven't touched a brush yet. I have discovered yesterday that I have co-dependency issues .... FUCK! I am still dealing with it. I was so happy and proud of myself for dealing with my bipolar condition and my addictions for the last two years that I did not see this one coming (I haven't been in a relationship during this time). Having dealt with my friend for this last two months, being torn apart by my desire to get my art going and helping/ loving him just forced me to look deep within and yesterday morning it just hit me - after a lot of introspection written in my journal (I keep other journals as well) I have been asking myself 'What the fuck is going on? Why am I here? Why do I feel compelled to go and be with him?' ever since I realized he was getting in the way of my plans, but I would still spend time with him. I offered him everything he wanted. I knew while I was doing it that he is a narcissistic addict, but somehow I was thinking that loving him fully would snap him out of it :)))) What a fucking joke! I realized that my parents are in this exact dynamic : my father is a narcissist and my mother a co-dependent. I realized a while ago that my father was a narcissist, but didn't see my mother. I kinda started to see she had a 'mask' as well in the last year, but I couldn't put my finger on it. She is always kind and wonderful, ready to help, but her face expression shows contempt and judgement quite often - now I know why. I was so busy not becoming like my father - this grandiose ass, disrespectful of others, arrogant, angry and closed off, that i did not even think that I am becoming like my mother or that is something to watch out for. I always saw my mom as a well adjusted human being. I used to tell people that the reason me and my brother are well at all is because of my mom - I am sure that's true on some level. And now, how am I supposed to deal with this? I have been using my spirituality to bypass this issue. I actually worked hard to develop my compassion, because I found myself at some point very judgmental of others- narcissistic- like my father. Now I am too compassionate? Every time I felt I was working too hard, helping out too much, I would just say to myself : 'I am one with all. I am helping myself' - I guess it's true on some level, but I think, now, it's not the way to go. What a mind fuck.I have to learn what healthy boundaries are and implement them in my life. Especially if I decide to go in a relationship - obviously not with my narcissistic, broken friend - I have to figure out how to deal with him, as well. Interesting times ahead. Can't wait to see how this turns out
  25. Thursday...woke up 5:50. 2 hours and a bit later- still in bed. Monday was amazing. I painted for a total of 4 hours and I am amazed of how much I advanced the painting in that time. I choose to visit my friend later that evening and smoke some weed, talk and listen to music. Ended up spending the time until Wednesday morning with him, having sex and keeping him company while he was drinking his brain away (if I am to be honest) Yesterday in the afternoon I returned home, took the dogs (his and mine) and went for a run in the woods. Then spent the evening relaxing by myself, ended with a 40 min meditation. I was in bed before 10pm I am eager to go on with the 5am routine. It highly increases productivity - I don't know how, but I am capable of painting more in 4 hours of morning than in regular 8. And that leaves me the rest of the day to do whatever I want - relax, learn new skills, deal with mundane stuff I just have to figure out what I need to learn from this new (couple of months new) connection with my old friend (I realize I've known him for almost half my life) and deal with it in a way that won't mess with my 5am habit.