Codrina

@kag101 I am. I always am. I am as kind and thoughtful with myself as with everything. It happens that I say no to people when I feel there is nothing for me to offer (I may find myself too caught up in work and rather spend my free time doing what I enjoy). Most times I overflow with love and joy, free time, and abundance. That gives me opportunities to help. I have been considering the reason I am manifesting this friend into my life. He helped me with good insights when I was getting my project going. He also appeared in my life in a dark time (moving countries again took a heavy toll on my psyche) - I guess it was the perfect company at the time - I was confronted with some unconscious behavior in those months, a behavior I am grateful to have discovered - I feel he's a reflection of my past - my faraway past - grandparents past - people highly traumatized My brain is still very much conditioned by the traumas in my history. I have cleared a lot, but there is still work to be done. I am grateful, none the less. As for the paragliding course, it only starts in September. That is enough time to see how our friendship evolves and how much time I'll have for a new course. @Blacksmith Thank you for the exercise - I heard about it as well, I used it in making a couple of big decisions. I agree people are complex. I also feel like people we come in contact with are a reflection of ourselves, in some way. That is why I would rather embrace, than reject, and look for aspects I was not aware of before. I'm not sure the urge to be appreciated is healthy. I know who I am; it shouldn't be of any concern to me if others can see it or not. The fact that sometimes it is, may reflect insecurity I have about that certain aspect. Also, it is man's nature to love women for their bodies, not their minds. A strong-willed woman is often too much to handle. It is man's nature to dominate. Of course, I wish for a man who doesn't need to dominate but collaborate. It just wasn't what I manifested so far, due to unconscious aspects. My friend forced a lot of this it into my awareness. I am grateful for it. Thank you all for the kind thoughts

@Aquarius I feel you. Romania is not an easy place to be conscious in. Freedom of spirit is often frowned upon. Less, however, nowadays. So, there is hope @ivankiss Thank you for Shortparis. I rarely come across bands I resonate with.

@ivankiss I like this perspective.

I am trying to understand the nature of light and darkness and how far they manifest in matter, or if they manifest at all Would you consider someone engaged in alcohol, tobacco, weed addiction, poor hygiene - more so in the home, clutter, heavily invested in the ego, more fun, less responsibility, as someone living in darkness? If so, how much of a pull would that darkness have on someone? Is the heaviness I feel the result of that pulling? How is pain involved in all of it? I am asking because I felt a heavy pain within my heart. I had to sit with it, cry it out, and while doing so, I felt like it wasn't my pain - but pain I took upon myself (intentionally, I might add) - while manifesting out the pain I noticed facial expressions I recognized as belonging to my friend. How much of it is my own judgement of what light and dark is? How much control do I have over it when interacting with someone in this scenario?

@VeganAwake I do love myself exactly the way I am. And the world. I also love to explore it. How do positive affirmations help me explore metaphysics? @Hardik I am not sure I understand. How does this relate to my metaphysics question? I love myself as much as I love everything I come in contact with, be it the plate that I am washing, the dog that sleeps by my side, people I call family or the security officer complaining about my dog barking outside the store. The result of the lack of love and lack of self acceptance is an uncomfortable feeling we call pain. If there is a lack of completeness, how does it occur? Every human is complete and whole. There is just an idea that you are less than that and need to be more - an idea ingrained into the psyche in childhood. (at least in my experience) @remember That is a very interesting perspective. I like it. I will reflect on it. Thank you @Aaron p I am sure they do. I have my practices. As for psychedelics, when time comes. In the meantime I will enjoy experiencing reality from different perspectives. Thank you all for the conversation. As a creator, there is no greater joy than to experience the result of creation.

@LastThursday @LastThursday @LastThursday I am doing that. I just don't always have the strength to keep focused. Sometimes I sleep into unconsciousness. @kag101 I am not convinced of that. My biggest growth happened from working through my judgement of who deserves my love and attention and instead offered care, help to whomever was in front of me: be it a boyfriend, a boss, a coworker, a client, a friend. And a time to move on always came. I left people with a taste for love and acceptance beyond judgement. It was really hard sometimes. But I've started practicing 10 years ago. It is increseangly easy, but the challenges are bigger. I spent today with my friend. There is awareness growing within him. It was beautiful to see him look at himself, for the first time questioning his actions. I'll see how things evolve. My emotional investment is losing it's pull. I guess I've released a lot. @EnlightenmentBlog Thank you. Indeed, not really a decision so much, but more a resistance to overcome Thank you all for your thoughts.

@LastThursday @LastThursday Thank you. I usually look to see where it's coming from. Look for the ideas, where they are born. I look to see how the triggering behaviour reflects aspects of myself I didn't know about. I know the answer to the questions above. I try to go deeper than that,as I suspect it's about trauma, not being seen, acknowledged, seeking validation. By boundaries I mean common sense behaviour. You can call it control - it's demanding and taking more of my time and attention than I am willing to offer.

@Hardik you changed your post. Weed is the least addictive of all drugs. Sugar and cocoa is more addictive than weed. The source of addiction is not the substance, but the pain inside. You can use anything to numb that pain. Some people choose weed And God is everything

@Hardik Last time I had weed was about 2 months ago. I am content with my life as it is. I don't wish for weed nor anything else now . In my town psychedelics are not handy. If the opportunity will present itself I won't refuse. I kept an eye out for Amanitas on my last forest trip. Didn't spot any. I am in no rush to reach ultimate Enlightenment. I wanted peace and contentment. I have found that. I am able to sit with any emotion and wonder. I am not looking to run away anymore Any thoughts on metaphysics?

The power within all religion lies in the time they focus on love. God is love. If you wish to find God cultivate a love of everything

Also, I was having a discussion with this friend of mine about how I don't smoke weed anymore, only very rarely if I need to go deeper in meditation, because now everything glows around me like it used to when I was smoking weed. And he looked at me strangely. He said things glow to him when on mushrooms. I was surprised. I recalled a mushroom trip we had more than 10 years ago and I told him how mushroom changed the shape of things. How when I looked at people they looked transparent - see through, and they were leaving a trail behind when moving, like frame motion, how when I lit up a cigarette I saw a small galaxy in the flame and I instant put the cigarette down because it was disgusting and other effects of that sort and he laughed saying I was crazy. It made me wonder about his level of consciousness and how much it takes for him to only see things glow. Again, thinking about this - darkness - mud - heaviness. True, thinking about it like a place, a field of some sort - granted - of your own creation I didn't even think you could eat mushrooms and not have proper hallucinations.

In that state of unconsciousness (when I was drinking and smoking) I used to see me as ugly, although my body is basically the same since I was 12. The very perception was filtered through this muddy filter. I think muddy is a very good description of the feeling

@ivankiss actually there is no light either, is there? What is in actuality can't be named, can it? When I am fully in the moment I don't see/ feel light, I just am aware, like nothing, like I am literally nothing, but still something - is that light? Nothing but something? @traveler so then, my sense of separation is still strong within. That is definitely true. My moments of immersion with all are few within the day. Most of the time I tend to my body/ mind @Leo Gura Well, by darkness I mean unconsciousness. I was in a place like that. I used to smoke, drink and not keep a clean house. I was not concious of how it feels to my body. How it was impacting my mind. It was like living in another world. The reason I am not doing those things anymore is because I became more aware of my body, more sensitive to outside influences. What is the pull I am feeling? I think I feel energy. I remember Rupert talking once about a trip to London to sort out some issues and he was describing a pull he felt trying to put him in separation and how resisting it created the illusory separate self and how he let go. He was describing the pull in his chest area. It is where I feel heaviness when I find myself in some places. Sometimes it's places I wouldn't expect. I pay more attention to movement within my body and I can't help but notice heaviness in some and lightness in others. Also hightened energy sometimes (increased pressure in arms and legs)

@LastThursday Thank you for your thoughts. I prepared myself to lose that money after seeing how things evolve. I like some aspects and dislike others. He just triggers me so much. It feels really heavy sometimes. He has a poor sense of boundaries. And I have a history of letting men walk all over me. It's just my mind in the end, right? But you are right. The more I resist something the more reason to do it.

Thank you. I am aware it's my own judgement. It's still there. It's fun indoors, but outside I can start running on the crescendo and do a piruete and jump and spin and so many moves the indoor doesn't allow. But I will consider changing my routinely morning run to a morning dance. See the change it brings with it. Thank you for pointing me to my judgement. Maybe I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was to dive so deep into unconsciousness again

I loved dancing ever since I was a child. If I knew better I would've been a ballerina. I am 32 now. Kinda late I used to dance my dog out every night after work and on days off I would go to the woods and dance. I have been having a hard time lately. I don't dance anymore, only like once a week. I did go on the running track one evening and danced through the serious running people. It was so much fun for me, but in my country I think more people looked at me like I was high or drunk, not enlightened. One reason I stopped dancing every day is because I felt I was kinda running away from reality. I had a time when I would always go out with my headphones on. I find it rewarding to be able to listen to the world. Or am I just listening to my thoughts about the world? Or both? I do miss dancing, however. A couple of days ago I took advantage of the rain and went out to dance. There were few people in the park and I felt to upset to really care.

Hei. I live in Baia Mare

@Artiekee Well, I guess no. It took more time than I thought to do the boxes and work the silver for the jewelry. My fear of rejection (at least I think that's what it is) is strongly kicking in. Tuesday (7am) was an all cry day. No work, no workout, just a meditation outside in the sun and the rest of the day I spent with walnuts, honey and cocoa powder and a lot of crying. I did have a proper lunch. I don't know what triggered it - the full moon with my menstrual cycle or the fact that on Monday (5:30am) I investigated on how to set a legal organisation to pay taxes on my future sales and found out that I can't be a part of the Artist's Union because I don't have a University Degree. I decided in the end to worry about that once I actually sell something. Wednesday 6:12 am. I worked on jewelry. Thursday 6:12 am. I worked on jewelry and boxes. Friday 6:42 am. I worked on boxes, also got a haircut and looked for a microphone. Didn't find one. Saturday 6:23 am. Worked on boxes and filmed the YouTube video. I am not happy with it. I will film it again tomorrow. I need to practice more my English accent. It's been a while. Also work on better engagement while reading the script. Sunday 6:12 am. Worked on boxes. Almost finished. I feel this week was dragged around. A lot of non creative work. Manual labour. It gave me time to reflect. To see how I panic because I am approaching a date I planned for and there is still work to be done. I could see how my mind is becoming doubtful of the work I have done, questioning the whole paradigm. I kept going, even if I was forced to slow down. I guess the slowing down has it's purpose. I avoided writing here because I felt like I was disappointing people. And I was hoping to get more work done and hopefully present my work today or tomorrow. I hope next week will bring more uplifting energies. With my old mindset I would've given up all rest, pull an all nighter, work harder and stick to the time frame I had decided. But that push for a timeline made me ignore details and it usually ended up with me sabotaging a lot of hard work with last minute improvisations. Now, I wish to give it my best.The only pressure ,this time, is the one I put on myself. So, I am deciding no more pressure. No more dates. Just actions. After the launch, once I go through all the new things I've never done before, I can take on some pressure. I've been feeling lonely as well this week. I have no friends - I could get back in touch with old friends, but I feel there's no time for that now. Also, I don't know how my old friends are now. I got back in touch with one and that just showed me a side of things I didn't see before. I was different back then and it's not a place I want to return to. People don't want to change, for the most part, so I imagine my old friends have ,basically, the same mindset. I hope time will guide me towards my soul family. I would really enjoy that. My evening routine changed as well. I now take my dog for a walk around 14:00-14:30. I then have lunch, work for another two hours, evening walk - if it's nice weather I sit and read in the park. Today was lovely. I laid on the grass, barefoot to get some grounding as well and read for 40 minutes. Played with my dog for a bit and now home. Meditation and sleep. I am really grateful to be able to enjoy evenings like this. To live 5 minutes away from the park. It is such a beautiful place. People enjoying themselves, playing with children and dogs, working out, teenagers in the skatepark. Just really good vibrations. It's half past nine and it's not dark yet. I think this has something to do with my sleep- wake routine. I'm not giving up, though. 5am - I just love the sound of it. 6am doesn't sound as good and 7am is late.

This is my first day waking up at 5 am. I actually had one before, about three weeks ago. since then, I've done some 6 am, 7 am, mostly 8 am. Today was 5:30 am. I am determined to go on with it. I started the day with a cold shower, as usual. Helps to wake up and get moving. had fruit and coffee for breakfast, drew for 2 and a half hours, took my scooter to my friend's house (he's away and I'm feeding and walking his dogs as well) fed the dogs and let them in the yard - did a bit of shopping. Got back home and painted for another 2 and half hours. Then took the dogs and ran in the woods for an hour and a half. Got home and cooked, had lunch/dinner, relaxed for a bit, then went on the evening stroll. I feel overall was a good, productive day. I felt kinda dehydrated since waking up throughout the day and somewhat tired. Maybe just 50 min running....we'll see how tomorrow goes. Now, meditation and sleep. I enjoy the huge amount of time it creates

Tuesday 5:07 Wednesday 5:39 Thursday 6:00 Today 5:33 I finished painting all 12 sets. It takes a lot, around 2h30 min for each. That means two sets in a working day, only the painting. I was hoping I would get faster after the first few. I didn't. But I got a whole lot better. The technique, the colours....Oh, great Universe. I am in awe. I went today and bought all the materials for the boxes. I printed my logo and everything. I laid it all in front of me and just couldn't believe it. It is here. It is done (all most). There was a moment Wednesday when I wanted to stop. My mind kept saying we are not keeping the schedule, the painting takes too long, we were supposed to finish tomorrow and varnish and do other things (I still had three sets left to paint at the time) I didn't listen. Kept painting. Then my mind approached logic - You won't be able to do 12 sets every month, and a story every week. There isn't enough time for them, so you might as well decide on 10 a month (1 every 3 days) , or 8 (2 a week) and stop now. But I didn't listen and kept painting. I thought, I don't care how many I will be able to do in a future month. I planned 12 and I am going to see them all done - now. And I did. So very exciting. I used to let my mind trick me into things like that. Not anymore. Now I am in bed. I will meditate, then go to sleep. I skipped meditation today in favour of going to the print shop and buying materials. Day off tomorrow. I am almost tempted to stay home and work on the boxes, but no. I wish to reward my good behaviour. So I will enjoy a run to the lake and a bath. It's been raining a lot lately and I saw mushrooms in the park. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to find some in the woods. I have been thinking about trying Amanita. It grows around here and I have a friend who knows a lot about them. Love and light! ( I have been using this goodbye at end of my morning pages for quite some time. I don't know how it was born, but I like it)

I just had a thought. I was meditating, observing my thoughts, focusing on breath. And a thought about my family emerged. Mom is full of light - joyful, kind, always considering other people's needs. Dad is full of darkness - arrogant, selfish, quick to anger. Mom has a dark side and dad has a light one. It's just in smaller amounts. But they love each other since they were teenagers. So, is it the natural tendency of the Universe to bring things into balance at work? Is that why men who live in darkness come to me? Is it my light that attracts them? I wish to manifest a partner in my life. Is that my choice? Someone who lives in darkness? I think I cried to little women because I saw myself like Joe, to some extent. Married to my Muse, destined to be alone. Uh, talking about mental masturbation. Good night

@Artiekee Definitely exciting. Sunday 5:27 Today 5:49 Something happened. Don't know what. Saturday I went to bed around 10pm, later than usual. I wanted to watch a movie in the evening - kinda my gift for all the hard work and determination. Because Saturday is my day off, that's the day my mom calls me to catch up. I stayed quite some time on video chat with mom and dad, had a really good conversation. Then my brother wrote to me and had a good chat with him as well. A 'friend' also wrote to me. So I ended up having to cut both at 10pm to go to sleep. I woke up on Sunday, did the all the morning work (I am excited about the jewelry - they're gonna be the best so far) and after lunch, meditation, walk, I decided to watch the movie I didn't get to watch on Saturday. Little Women - cried with it. And the 'friend' I was talking about earlier wrote to me again during the movie. This guy is someone I met on Tinder during my crazy two months (I was actually on Tinder for a couple of weeks before I got bored with the games). We had some stuff in common, we liked each other, so he came over one weekend. We loved each other on that occasion, but I had decided that I don't want to have casual sex anymore, so we kinda stayed friends, texting every now and then. He turned out to be really immature, with deep insecurity issues. He was always looking for my advice. I kept showing him where he needs to work, I sent him videos of Leo, and others, to help him figure out his issues. And it seemed that how ever much information I shared with him he was still confused. He loves to keep a victim mentality. I had to keep calling out his victim statements. He said one day he would like to come run with me to the lake. On Sunday he said something like : 'Next Saturday I am definitely coming to the lake with you, no excuses on my side.' I was not happy with that statement. So, I asked: ' Why the urgency? ' He wants to talk. I felt so tired of dealing with others issues that I told him it's my one day off. I want to relax, to enjoy, not solve someone else's problems. And he asked if talking about what I think he should change about himself would be too much for me. That moment I lost my patience. I wrote some mean, harsh truths right back to him. At least, he won't bother me with the same question, over and over again. I do wish I was able to handle it better. I am not happy hurting people's feelings. And now, today. I did the morning work and it was shopping day for the evening, but it was raining heavily and after lunch I took a shower and by the time I wanted to get out of the house, the exchange office was closed. So, I switched it for cleaning day. I cleaned the whole house, dancing and singing ? I was having so much fun that I decided to go to the park and dance some more. I danced on the running track. It was so much fun. Me dancing through the serious running people. I developed this habit of going dancing with my dog in the evening when I was working in Portugal. I was a bartender then, worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. I used to finish work around 12 at night, go home, get my dog, a cider and a joint and walk, dance on the beach. Good times. It is there I created a strong connection to the moon. I kinda kept my dancing with my dog at night habit in England as well. I was still working late and the streets were basically empty when I was 'walking' my dog. Here though, with my routine, there is always someone in the park when I have my walk. Today I was brave. I didn't look at people, didn't care what they think. I am happy I could dance my heart out. I won't do it every evening, because I do run mornings as well, and I wish to keep my head clear (music lights up a fire within me) but once a week - end the cleaning day with a dance in the park. I like the idea. Today turned out like this because I think I needed to shake off some anger. I don't understand why broken men keep showing in my life. Where's the sign that says ' All you broken, come to me ' so I can take it off. It's like my narcissistic friend with whom I decided to spend my two months of ego backlash ( I realized that's what happened). He came over today to bring some clothes for the washing machine. He keeps asking every now and then : ' Sex? Bliss? ' laughing because he knows I smile and go ' No! ' But, for some reason, we have really strong chemistry and connection. And some days are hard. Especially on days like today when he hugs me for a few seconds before going out the door. And then, a friend of his, another broken man, approaches me on Facebook. He wants a female friend, someone to talk to, spend time with, so he can keep away from his ex, who is a broken woman. So, I ask again. If anyone is reading this, where is that sign that says ' All broken men, come to me! ' I am finally getting my shit together and it's like everyone wants a piece of me. ' Oh, I am struggling with this. Won't you help me? ' I am so tired with people who can't handle their own shit. I sit by myself, in my own pain, stare it right in the face. I hide myself from everyone and when I am up again, I go to people. With a light heart and a smile on my face. Seems the right way to do it Oh well, long post. But hey, work is amazing and the routine is working smoothly. If I manage to go to bed earlier I might wake up at 5:00 as well. But it's still light outside...

5:05 Today. Day off In my working hours I looked over this month. I am going into the forth week. I had planned to launch everything, but I feel there are still some loose ends to tie up. I achieved most of my goals. My website is almost done. It's just the shop section and contact page left to create. I have written my first story. I have painted the vision for it. I have written my first YouTube video script. I am still to film and edit it. I have planned the first 12 sets of jewelry. Cut and polished the wood and started painting on them. The next 4 days I will have them finished. I have learned more about social media and how to strategize for an efficient presentation of my work (Instagram, YouTube, Facebook) Overall, I am happy with the amount of work I was able to achieve, while setting up my 5am routine. Today I have outlaid the all necessary steps to pursue in June. I have calculated the amount of days I need to realise all the work I want (one illustrated blog story every week, two videos a month, 12 sets of jewelry a month). Now, that I have seen how long everything takes to get done, I was able to estimate better. I have rewritten the goals for this last week of May and set up goals for the first week of June. A lot of them around legal organisation, pricing, photography session for product presentation, finishing the website, setting up the social media accounts and, after all this is done, plan out strategy(define goals,subjects in detail) for each social media for the next 4 weeks. I have planned this day to be the 6th of June. If all goes according to plan, the 7th will be the launching day. I like the sound of that. 7 is a good number. All though, 8 is even better. We'll see what the Universe had in store for me And now, I will have fun designing the boxes for the jewelry. Enjoy your Saturday

I feel truly blessed

5:44 yesterday, 5:50 today. Last night took me a while to fall asleep. Must've been the New Moon. But I still woke up before 6am. ? Today I painted the first jewelry sets. I wasn't planning on sharing any of the work until the launch, but I am so grateful for the inspiration and so thrilled of the results, that I just can't help myself. On another note, the routine is going well.