EmptyInside

FInd the magic in that place, and you will have truly unlocked one of the deepest mysteries of all miracles and magic.

Could you imagine having physical health problems to the extent that intimacy is no longer an option? In your 30s? Could you imagine the 2 most fundamental human needs; food and sex being removed from your life equation. No pleasure in eating. No naughty time. No fulfilling relationship to save you from yourself? Could you be ok with that? One can learn a lot about themselves when health hardships arise. Until you walk that path alone, grandiose mountaintop speeches really mean nothing.

Have you ever stopped to think how quickly things could change from a physical health perspective? Could you imagine, if you will, having to wear adult diapers for the rest of your life, starting in your 30's? Could you imagine not being able to digest 80% of the food that most people live off of? Eggs, milk, butter, cheese, dairy, red meat, pork? Could you imagine not being able to chew your food? Not being able to digest your food? Not being able to move your bowels properly? just for starters? Could you imagine that? What might that do to your rock solid life purpose? Might it seem a little more fragile than it did before? Just a quick thought exercise.

Good to hear you address some of these issues, specifically suicide. i would be willing to bet that more people than we might think watch watch your videos or visit your forum have battled with these types of thoughts at some point for a variety of different reasons. The nihilism dip is certainly something I've experienced, and not just once either. It's not always about ideas or beliefs. Health fades, careers end, purpose disappears, meaning evaporates, loved ones pass away, pets die, we can find ourselves completely alone in the world regardless of whatever life we had created for ourselves, sometimes, for some. Others seek so obsessively, the dizzying heights of "total" enlightenment that they dive headfirst into the deep abyss of insanity, quite easily actually. Like you said, reality just melts, don't know which way is up. It could happen to any of us given the right set of circumstances. Perspective is a tricky thing. I heard you mention your gut problems and I was moved to hear you talk about your struggle, one that I share, and one that I can tell you from personal experience can get so bad that it can affect much more than consciousness. Everything flows. I look forward to the video you said you were going to do later specifically about suicide. Hope it comes from that place of Absolute Love.

Magic is living life, engaging in life, connecting with being, every moment. It's not about taking a picture of it and trying to capture it or share it or debate it. It's not about analyzing these deep metaphysical concepts, that stuff is nice, but there's no magic there, not for me anyway. Grounded spirituality, 2 feet on the ground, no tumbling down rabbit holes, just life, as it comes.

The magic of life is right there in every moment. In loving memory of my dad's cat, Simba.

Got much respect for both of these dudes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwd_Q1Zls-4PWwZsHu7pUzQ/videos https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3z5pn1p8p_aUzpGqDcMSeA/videos

So I logged into Facebook the other day for the first time in a while. I was going through my friends list to see who I would actually consider a friend. I pull up one of the few who I would say is a friend and noticed that he passed away at the end of April. He's my age, didn't have kids, wasn't married. He would post several times a day and it was like nobody knew he existed. I would like a post every now and then when I logged in which was seldom. Of course now there is an outpouring of people leaving loving comments on his timeline that he'll never see but isn't it interesting how nobody notices the additional layers of social status hierarchy that social media has created and how so many slip right through the cracks of nobody gives a fuck about ya until your dead. I'll bet FB has an algorithm that can pretty accurately predict which social media outcasts will bite the dust next based on engagement or lack thereof with their posts. If someone consistently posts seemingly to themselves with no engagement from their friends, their self-worth is either rock fucking solid or extremely fragile. He was good hearted guy. RIP bro.

Maybe I got hustled a few too many times by NLP and I'm just getting cynical. But yeah. a lot of trash videos out there by people with little integrity.

Just a little healthy venting so I don't rain on her parade. And I'm just tired of hearing the overuse of the word "side hustle". People do realize that to be hustled is to be ripped off right?

Not really. The videos are pretty good. She's passionate about doing them and I respect that. I see a lot of dishonesty out there and it just irritates me. The successful side hustle is doing videos about having a successful side hustle when actually the video about the side hustle is monetized and making more money than the actual side hustle being described in the video and then the rest is gained from referring suckers to these same useless sites that will generate no income for the viewer but more for the content creator who claims to be showing the viewer how to create a successful side hustle. That's the formula that they don't tell you but it's right there in your face. Watch my videos, jump through these hoops, thank you for making me more money while you struggle to figure out what surveys to spend an hour completing for 10 cents each. Meanwhile, someone like my friend who is making legit videos within a narrow niche hopes she can generate a sustainable income because it looks so easy and everybody's doing it.

This morning I'm at peace. It's cool outside, light rain, a great day to reflect.

I visited with my dad yesterday. He's 75, was fairly successful in his life, he's a type-a, self-described control freak, angry most of the time, and very emotionally harsh. We got to talking about how to define a life well lived. I realized a few things. There are some unhealed emotional wounds from childhood that directly connect to my relationship with my dad. Since a young age, I could feel his disapproval wrapped in every word he spoke. Friends, girlfriends, school, this, that, anything everything. He disapproved. Always. Still, like a robot, I keep coming back hoping for dad's approval which I already know I'll never get. Everything about my life is a complete and total failure in his eyes and I have to make peace with that. Never getting married, never having kids, being an introvert, he sees this as completely withdrawing from society. As I described what a life well lived meant to me, I realized that he and I are on 2 completely opposite ends of the universe. The wound of wanting dad's approval and never getting it is a deep one. It connects to almost every negative emotional pattern that I've developed over the years. Still, I can't play the victim. It's hard to stay out of that trap. I know he can't help it. His dad treated him the same way he treats me. Still, man what a really unhealthy and toxic relationship we have. He doesn't even realize how hurtful and soul crushing his comments can feel sometimes. Hypercritical. Damn. There I go again. Oh well. Deep insight.

Try to create some space between your identity and the diagnosis. Sometimes when we are "diagnosed" with a behavioral condition, we perpetually stigmatize ourselves by continuing to see ourselves as the diagnosis or as our hospitalization history, etc. Be aware that your mind is always comparing yourself to others and this is where much suffering comes from. When I, an extreme introvert with social anxiety, compare myself to extraverted social butterflies, I feel pretty bad about myself, But why am I comparing myself to them? I'm not like them at all and that's okay. There have been days when I struggled with similar feelings to what you describe. It's easy for people to say things like "You need more meaning and purpose in your life. Get off your but and find something you enjoy doing. Something you're passionate about.". Well, chances are many of them have not faced any periods of feeling emotionally paralyzed to such an extent that there is a thick cloud of despair looming over, with the ability to even think of anything that brings joy being temporarily non-existent. I know that place. It's a very painful and lonely-feeling place. See if this video helps. It helped put some things in perspective for me regarding the same types of feelings you describe. And I know, it's not Leo's, but it's still a great video in my opinion.

Honestly the best video addressing anhedonia that I've ever seen.

One of the most simple yet deepest and most profound insights of all:

Beautiful terrifying horror and splendor. Welcome to Life.

The magic does not seem to want to be described. It wants to be experienced. Such a very few have had the skill and the gentle touch to put words to it that weren't in opposition to it, while somehow leaving the empty spaces it prefers to be unspoken and unwritten. Lao Tzu. of course, the all time master in my opinion, if he even existed. "You can't know it, but you can be it, at ease, in your own life."

There's magic in the smell of cooking cabbage with the windows open and the breeze gently drifting through the kitchen creating spirals of aroma swirling into the olfactory senses. There's magic in realizing that the need to feel understood is one of the most common root causes of suffering, specifically loneliness. Magic is the true freedom that exists in the letting go of desire to feel acknowledged, understood, approved of, and validated. Truly experiencing the magic means knowing full well that nobody else will or could understand and the more we try to capture that magic with words and bring someone else into it, the more we ruin it.

It's time:

I treated myself to a guilty pleasure of a couple of episodes of the remaking of "Creepshow" the other day. I watched an episode called "The Finger" and really enjoyed it. He said "I'm a web developer which basically means I'm mostly unemployed". Relatable.

Been doing some research. Stumbled onto Replika, an AI companion chatbot. Interesting. I dabbled in creating chatbots about 10 years ago. I spent a huge number of hours building a chatbot from scratch using PHP and AIML. It was very boring still despite the amount of work I put into it. What am I passionate about? Humane technology. AI that can realistically emulate empathy. I have to say that Replika is very impressive along those lines. It's open source. May give me a project to pour myself into. I can envision a trillion possibilities for this type of technology. As much as I may appear to be a Luddite when it comes to social media, technology has always been a passion and maybe this has begun to reignite a meaningful life purpose for me.

I found this insightful to hear how different types of people handle solitude. A few of them definitely resonated with me. Spiraling into madness is always a possibility I would imagine. Not just with solitude, but any spiritual practice. Try talking with the ER at your local hospital about a spiritual awakening or profound spiritual insights. I live in solitude out in nature. It's a very simple life and it's right where i want to be most of the time. I do feel very connected with nature. I crave more human connection sometimes. I'm not a gamer, I don't care for social media. I watch a lot of YouTube videos. Mostly small talk without much depth from most of my friends irl with one or two exceptions. Maybe that's on me for judging them. This forum is a good place to connect. I've found a few other forums too that also create some sense of connection. I know there are plenty of others on this forum who live in solitude. It would be nice to hear from some of them. You can experience solitude in the middle of Las Vegas or in the middle of a corn field. You can feel lonely and isolated surrounded by people or all by yourself.

Excellent video, Leo:

Day 5: Morning viewing and it's a really good one: