Kimasxi

My guess is that you rationalize it when people praise you into "oh, that's not really important / they exaggerate" narrative, whereas when you feel disliked it triggers certain beliefs about your self-concept. From the evolution point of view, being rejected by your tribe means death, so it should hurt. It's survival mechanism. You may believe that being disliked means "I am going to be lonely and unhappy forever because of some unchangable features I have". You should circumvent it by planting a believe that in between "they like me" and "they don't like me" there is some other grey area like "they are just to busy right now", "they have been in a bad mood", "I triggered their traumatic experience so they got angry/anxious/defensive for what I said/did". These are all statements that do not say you are bad or good. You should use them when interpreting what people think about you instead of the judgmental ones like "there's something inherently wrong with me".

OMG, why has it never occurred to me? You nailed it. All incecurities come down to our desirability to a potential mate. So, in order to get rid of them, one needs to stop wanting to have a mate… Concerning your problem, your mind is probably putting her on the pedestal, especially if you do not get laid a lot (as you only started pick-up). You hesitate because probably you can see she is not that special to sweep you off your feet.

You don't need to be masculine all the time. If a woman wants a masculine man and cannot find one, but she can see these qualities in you from time to time she will blow them up to match up her fantasy - she will choose to believe that you are masculine more often than you actually are

How else could you have your needs met? (by another girls) Focus on going out and meeting more girls. You need your mind to shift to the purpose gear instead of the fixating on lack mode.

this is exactly what "the Power of Now" and "Letting Go: the Path of Surrender" teach doing. :-)

For many years I believed in self-development, hoping that when I become out-going, extrovert, funny, confident and of some value to people, then I will finally start having friends. And I think I was wrong. Look, I felt like shit. Like an incredibly lonely shit. I could feel some connection with people like 15 minutes a day only? And now I have a realization. I think now that this was my locked paradigm. That one needs to improve to get friends. I could not accept the thought that perhaps one has no power over getting friends. Each time when someone became close to me I felt hope, and that hope was addictive. I used to spend hours in my head imagining conversations with people, problems to overcome, rewards for overcoming them, sex of course, my improved self that has many friends, how much it will change my life and so on. Often that was the only thing I did on the weekend (ADDICTION!!!! and constant living in the past and future). But then my expectations were ALWAYS SHATTERED. And I had so many negative feelings: "it's not fair, cause others are liked even though they do not strive so much as me", "I am a victim", "there is something wrong with me cause I have no success", "I´m 27, it will be more and more difficult" "I am afraid of the future" "I am powerless" etc. — and these are all symptoms of what Eckhart Tolle calls not accepting the now. 2 days ago I experienced a rejection again, and this time instead of feeling sorry and depressed I felt angry and disgusted at my positive feelings who deceived me and at people who made me believe that these feelings are right and the way to happiness. I must tell you that since I started believing that connection, hope, trust, affection lead to suffering (and I made an enemy of these feelings) my loneliness does not hurt me almost at all. And it's strange, I feel like I don't have to change anything in my life, no more striving, no more hoping, my life does not have purpose, I am tired of people, and I don't want to socialize with them because they may infect me with the hope disease again. I believe you will try to sell me that positive disease here on this forum, but I want to know if this is getting me closer to enlightenment.

I actually DO understand you. :-) This is exactly what I thought a week ago: if one were a castaway on a deserted island, all his/her problem would be finally gone (no people to compare your history with, no goals to strive for etc.). I experienced 3,5 days of that kind of acceptance some month ago. It was a paradigm shift for me, I stopped judging myself and believe in good and evil, and I was so tired of judging and raking up the past that any comment from other people that was jugdmental repelled me. As if I wanted to be in denial of judgment. And I was disappointed that my hobby wasnt getting me friends that I deeply believed I'd get from it, and I had these thoughts "so should I just accept my misery and loneliness?" and I said "Yeah, fuck it" then. Then that guy appeared and messed up my mind again so I lost it. And you know what guys, today I feel all right. :-) I had to vent it out with people and feel they support me. (I can't believe why it works so well now. It didn't use to work) When 2 years ago I was rejected I had been suffering from it for 8 months. Something's changed cause now I tend to suffer for only several days. I believe having read the books recommended by RSD helped me a lot by challenging some of my beliefs. I´m reading the Power of Now at the moment, and the last book I read was Letting Go: the Path of Surrender, and before Radical Honesty and How I Became Free in an Unfree World. The only thing I can't handle is when the "threat" is happening now, when I am in front of the person triggering my pain body. I can handle shit at home, but not when I´m right there fighting with someone.

Is this it? I thought I would feel content, not angry or apathetic. I think I am not there yet.

Darling, you know what? You are falling in love with him more and more because of that tension and uncertainty. I read an article somewhere that these thing are what fuels the process. So you invest emotionally more and more, you hope something exciting will happen etc. 1. This hope is adictive. 2. You don't live in the now (Eckhart Tolle) 3. What if I tell you that it may so happen that the guy does not want you? And you are already invested in him so much? It happened to me 2 days ago. I had been waiting for 5 months. There should be a point where the tension is too much, and you get angry for not reaching the dissolution, and then you will tell him. But because my expierence was well… unpleasant, I recommend you giving up on him. When you give up on him and cry for the loss, it will be easier for you to handle rejection in the future. Yes, I suggest giving up on him in order to change your mind again and confront him but this time from a non-needy place.

I have a sweet tooth, but I also like diery products and fruit, almost no meat. But I've had this anxiety all my life (I´m 27), my diet was probably different, so I doubt it influences my reactions. For example, I did not use to drink coffee at all.

I also have this anxiety, but I am a female. I cut off my emotions flow because I am afraid of losing control. And then they just dissipate and I feel nothing. I don't want to wait till someone falls in love and is determined to heal me because I´m 27 and it has never happened so far. Guys are impatient, they do not wait till an afraid woman makes her mind, they go to another girl that is open. This is how my reality operates. So now I want to prepare a plan of dealing with it on my own. What do I do? I have a really bad time in communicating my emotions to people, I am probably afraid I will be judged. I actually have to initiate sexual contact on my own. Cause this may feel safer for me (I won't be the intruded upon one that has to protect herself). My problem is that when I do that - the guy will have expectations that I am a functional woman who just can have sex without any problem, and I feel shamed to tell him I´m dysfunctional and needing help. - I will feel fear of 1. being judged (even though nobody can see, it's internalized), 2. that my body will fail me again and I will stop feeling and then I will judge myself as a failure What are the baby steps I can do while being the initiator?

I think that the form doesn't matter. Or at least it should not matter to you because the beauty of being free to do what you want is probably so much better than getting this one particular guy. I think you do not need experience to just do anything. It's like when you play a game of communicating sth without using the words, and you just use your gestures, body language and can get across. Possible? Possible. The thing is that you are resisting something. And you must find out what you are resisting. The reason "I have no idea/experience" may be a rationalization for something you don't do because of that resistance.

In my case, it made me burden myself with a mission to become more extrovert, blatant, persistent, working hard to make myself more impressive and high-status in my local group. So I am not sure if there is space for "lazy" ? Perhaps some years ago it gave me an excuse to be lazy and hidden from society's judgement as I used to tell myself "I don't need people, people are stupid, I will rebel". It's no longer the case. I can feel very passionate about growing and becoming my better self. It´s so pleasant to be proud of myself and feel I am winning, slowly but it´s going in the good direction. And then there come rejection, disappoinment, nobody gives a fuck about the better person I´m becoming, they still prefer other people's company and so on. The thought that I am still not that person makes me suffer and want to hide. I´m just reading this, I've read 1/3 of the book so far

I want to do Teal Swan's process of changing a belief. Could you help me go through this process? What is my emotional pay-off for the belief "I am not worthy of people's acceptance" (I am a loser = worse than the others = I am not worthy of people's acceptance) ? I feel shame, pathetic, sorry for myself. I don't have a clue what's the reward behind these feelings.

Perhaps then, my belief is "I am not YET worthy of acceptance" ? Maybe… Well, it's not effortless. I had to overcome some resistance so that I could become aware of something. OK, we will see. Thank you!

You can also watch her video "How to find a core belief" because there are also two questions that help to question beliefs. I am scared of being vulnerable. I freak out every time when someone exposes me on that. I´m reading The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and I just realised that all my life is driven by fear That's why taking risk when I may become vulnerable is so difficult to me. Instead I am trying to baby-step it and convince myself that there is no reason to fear. What would you suggest I should do to "domesticate" my vulnerability? I don't know "unconditional love" nor have I ever unconditionally loved, aka I don't believe it exists. But assuming it existed, I would like people unconditionally love me even though I am imperfect, weak, not meeting the standards of belonging to the cool people (this is an issue from my childhood, where the whole group rejected me), that I am hurt and have negative feelings they don't like, and I may need help from other people to deal with them, that I am scared of them, that I need or want to be taken care of. Your question is SOOO valuable. Thank you!

I think I would feel safe. So why don't I do it? Why is thint pay-off not an enough motivating reward?

Ohh, that might be the case… I am not sure yet, but from what I know I expect myself to control everything and I panic when I lose the control. So… avoiding rejection (I agree, my first life's priority is to avoid being hurt) in other words means that the pay-off is some kind of safety? Although it does not feel this way, but it's like a promise of safety in the future? What can I do with that?

This is the link to her video. As you can see I am at step four. Getting reward from those feeling already is the point Teal Swan makes. But I cannot identify those rewards.

How to shut down your emotions completely?

Hahaha, funny but it actually is cool if you look at it from a certain perspective. You could be raped yourself and you wouldn't give a damn. It´s actually cool to me. You would almost never feel fear, total immunity to people's attempts of hurting you.

Hello friends, it's strange, a man is giving me a lot of masculine energy - how can I use this situation to my benefit? I posted here some months ago when I suffered a heartbreak because of the very same man. Time has healed my wound. I am much more distant to that crush now, it does not hurt me to think of it anymore. He dissappeared completely from my life for two months and my emotional attachment has faded away. And now he's back. I am sorry that it's long (I am aware I have problems with brevity) Please read at least the boldface :-) This is a case when a woman meets a man who feels like your natural born rival and at the same time he's an attractive alpha male. Please help me understand what is happening. My experience had 3 stages: 1. When I had a crush on him, first I envied some of his qualities, I felt threatened and I started to rivalise with him at our common hobby. I maltreated myself idealising him and underlining his good qualities while condemning myself for being worse. But it gave me a kick to do self-development, I started to train social skills so that I am not perceived as a weakling in social situations. I started to engage in the hobby 120% to be the best. Then I sold myself on him as I wanted to feel sexual desire and he matched perfect. Because I fantasized about him I fell in love or crush (if there is a difference) and promised him as my goal / reward in the future (I was to scared to get close to him though he showed signs of interest). This was a good stage, when I felt like a superhuman. 2. Then he found a girlfriend and I felt terribly rejected. I did my best to help myself, I decided not to look at him anymore and I banned thinking on him in a sexual way. I also decided to think badly of him to rewire myself. Next months were very harsh on my ego: I felt anxiety each time when I realised I was going to see him because of the hobby, I had some fearlike reaction whenever I noticed him, something like being electroshocked. This is stage when I suffered a heartbrake. 3. Then he stopped attending our gym so often and I cooled down, he even stopped attending it at all for 2 months. I assumed it's over, he's not going back. I felt stripped of purpose. There was no goal to fight for, nothing I really desired to achieve, my social skills training met with failure often, I was angry and disappointed at not getting the effects and meeting my social needs. I felt my life didn't have much sense and I was losing hope. I stopped engaging in the hobby 100%, I started to setting my mind on letting things go, doing another hobby, I stopped pressing myself on being the best, etc. 4. And now there is a fourth stage. He's back. At first I was angry when I realized how much suffering he´s been causing and that I cannot be at ease anymore cause I will still want to be better than him. It is compelling. The day when he came back I slept fewer hours than usual though I had so much problems to get up early every day. After a week I see I am actually appreciating that he is back because it rekindled my energy to do and to achieve and to fight, overcome obstacles and be the best. So this way he got me out of the malaise. My rivalry is an ego-thing, some kind of war where I want to prove something (I don't know if to myself or to him). On the one hand I want him to lose, on the other hand as long as he's there it makes me work harder and I feel purpose. PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO ACT TO GET THE BEST OF THIS SITUATION. I am afraid of stopping being a bitch to him and telling him the truth, cause if I stop hating him: 1. I lose the sense of purpose 2. I may fall in love again So I keep to the commitments I made in Stage 2. I suppose he subconsiously awakes a lot of sexual energy in me but because I do my best not to desire him this energy is somehow unfocused, undirected towards a particular person. Is there a way to mold it, to do something with this energy? Is there some smart actualized way of using it? :-)

I dont want to have them at all. I want to be completely emotion-numb, use only my reason. Can I do it with hypnosis or affirmations?

Already done some of these

Hello, I want to share with you this video: