Hey didn't know where to ask this so I came here, as this seems the right place for such questions.
For a few months now I'm very obsesed about non-duality. Partly because I have my struggles (as probably everyone does) and want to wake up (which is kind of a problem I know because desires create ego) but also because I find it damn fascinating to contemplate my experience. (I'm gonna use sloppy dual language here, but I hope you get my point). Very recently it began that I have some kind of "activations", especially when going to sleep. The best I can describe them is as follow:
I'm lying in bed, listening to some music or thinking about something random. Most of the time I'm already in a state where I'm transitioning into the sleeping state, but I'm still concious that I am awake. Then, most of the time, my thought contains some kind of keyword or underlying message (don't remember exactly what kind of phrases or words that are) that seem to remind me that this belief that there is an "I" is an illusion. Then it's like a click, my mind seems to dissolve, I'm wide awake and it feels like I am getting sucked into some kind of swirl and myself is like, i don't know, "sinking" or "falling". Very hard to desribe. Then my mind kind of intervenes, saying things like "Wow, is it really happening", "What comes now" and it stops kind of midway.
Another very interesting experience I had two weeks ago: After reading some chapters of a book from Rupert Spira, something inside me seemed to click and get the message, and it felt like I was one step back from my thoughts, feelings, problems whatever. Like I stepped more into an observer role. My problems, negative thoughts, struggling situations were all still there, but they didn't seem to capture me at all. I even felt like someone could come into my room, threaten and insult me, and surely I would feel threatend and anxious, but I (the real I) couldn't care less. Like sure it would be shitty, but at the same time whatever, nothing can hurt or threaten me really. This state lasted for 3-4 days and the best word I can desribe it with is "Peace". Then somehow it disappared and I was again fully emerged and identified with my thoughts and feelings.
I'm always questioning if this is the right direction or if I'm just going crazy, and this has nothing to do with spirituality and self-realization. What do you think?
