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225. Avoiding Dysfunctional & Abusive Relationships - 30+ Red Flags (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WY9JqrmAI4Q) an obstacle to self-actualization people are wasting years Ask your partner as you're dating them about their history of relationships, business, work, friendships, life, backstory, … Opening up to you in a relationship Be a good judge of the values of the individual. Do they value love? Red Flags Substance abuse (addiction) Alcohol, drugs, smoking Partner is asking to borrow money Never ever, especially under pressure History of Cheating, Stealing, Swindling, Arrests or even Jail time Stories about cheating on a test or you see them stealing pencils If the person runs a shady (half-illegal) business History of short/few/many relationships Evasive about past relationship history Are they evasive in conversation in general? The person can't hold onto a job Ask about their job history If your partner is losing friends (friends are leaving them) or has no friends (though they may be introverted or just moved city) When your partner expects money/gifts/favors from you Hinting and bartering and exchange Chronically showing up late Flakiness or forgetfulness Possessive or jealous Trying to control you Insecurity about you having male friends as a woman Very clingy, always there to answer calls and text messages and be at your doorstep If the person needs to see you more than 3 times a week Demands seeing you almost every (other) day Or is texting you every day (another sign that they try to get their fulfillment in life from the relationship – codependency) Too busy to see you once a week Putting the relationship at such a low priority, probably not willing to fix any problems that will come up They're unwilling to learn better communication skills If nothing gets communicated and stuff gets swept under the rug, it becomes toxic High quality communication, work on the teamwork Also: If they are unwilling to learn about relationships and how they function Maintain and actively improve the relationship Lies to other people If they like to lie by omission Leaving out a critical fact that changes the context Manipulate use of truth = manipulative Always in an emergency situation Car accident, breaking a foot, getting fired, … = unstable and ungrounded and can't steer their own life Perfectionism Hypercritical of everything Also of you, even when quiet Destroy their image of you and then the relationship Never satisfied When they see something better they leave you Cutthroat in business Puts pressure on people, sews(?) people, … You're dating a vicious dog, and hell eventually come to bite "the owner" too Narcissism Overly driven by money, power and fame. Won't be happy in life At expense of everything, even their integrity and relationship Completely oblivious to the opinions of other people Lack compassion Isn't open for feedback Calling you foul language names and is raising your voice In a healthy relationship: No arguing until the point of yelling. Open lines of communication. Does the person snap at other people? It's gonna be reflected back at you. Do they break things or throw things? Throwing vases and flowerpots, smashing doors and punching holes through walls If it happens once, immediate disqualifier. Guaranteed dysfunctional relationship. Do they threaten you by telling you they're gonna leave the relationship "Hey, I have this grievance and criticism." → "Well, if you're upset I'm gonna leave." If it happens even once, immediate disqualifier. Blames you for everything You both need to take 100% responsibility for your part in the relationship Take responsibility yourself Psych medications If they have psychological problems and are seeing a psychiatrist and are on medications Those drugs screw their emotions Shows: they aren't willing to work through their problems the hard way If it's a short thing like their father died and they need them for a couple of months then ... okay Long-distance relationship (long term, indefinite) If they aren't willing to move near you, or you don't want If there's a plan for closing the gap, like if they temporarily got overseas for 6 months for a company, and then want to return to you If they tell you: "I want to continue seeing other people." = they aren't committing to you, aren't in love with you, are keeping their options open and don't want to be guilty doing it It's really not too much to ask! A lot of these flags are 100% deal-breakers. They don't have to be flawless, but at the very least be open to them and willing to work on them and grow. A: "Hey, honey I think you're really power hungry and it'll lead to the destruction of this relationship." B: "Oh, shit I think you're right." … goes buying books and getting coaching. B: "Oh, shut up." What to do when some of these red flags are checked? → Cut that person out of your life. (The right option) You're life is too short to waste it on dysfunctional relationships you think won't work out. Nerve wracking, wastes energy Might lead to nasty things down the road (abuse, losing money, …) Why would you even consider leaving yourself open to those nasty consequences? Deeper issues in YOU. Insecurities Low self-esteem (usually) … Biggest reason you don't flat out leave dysfunctional relationships: Lacking options with the opposite sex You need more options to land a new guy or new girl Otherwise you'll be clingy in any relationship Meet more men or women Commit to creating more options Take control of how many men and women you meet in your life The more you meet the more secure you'll feel EXERCISE 4 sentence completion stems Generate ten answers to each one, twenty for the last. From the top of your mind (2min max), no analysis or filtering. Brings wisdom out of your subconscious mind. Mental dump If I were totally honest, my partners red flags are _______ . The biggest thing I fear about leaving my partner is _______ . If I took 100% responsibility about my relationship, I would _______. 20 ways that I could create more sexual options are: ________ (Summary guy's comment: Do these stems for yourself some time too ;D) Reflect on all the answers Don't lie about what your partners weaknesses are. Your intuition knows if this relationship has a chance The first step Talking to them Are they willing to work on those problems? If they aren't willing to change: cut them If they are: maybe you give them a chance

Phishing via email. Check if it's actually the real service provider sending the mail. Look for the people's credentials ("why you should trust them"), not just words, question even the validity of those credentials they show. Check the URLs and which servers the browser gets redirected to; if it's the real website. Don't let yourself get hurried by being asked to decide quickly, delay if possible. Confirm with other sources (staff of provider) that something really is up. Why my friend fell prey to the scam? Didn't expect it and didn't know much about phishing. Was a pretty simple act they had to do (enter password) Not tech savvy (looking at redirect, urls, ...) - and only told me by chance and we resolved it before more damage could be done.

Similar kind of story with me. Happened twice, with different people. Common story they tell someone: Bus ticket to go home, or show you an image of their mom who needs help, coming to this country to work, but have no personal files with them. These were kind of amateurs imo. Stuck with one approach they had and not flexible enough to change sth fundamental about it... What I noticed: Frame control: They set a high price for what they need ($40 for ticket) then they ask for something less. [I don't know if they do it deliberately] There's sth off about their (weirdly constant level) played "pain" or low mood. Played victim. ... When they believe some peace of evidence you ask for will finally convince you to give them money, you can feel the difference when they have an energy surge of eagerness to show it to you Appealing to "goodness", "God will help you", ... <-- trying to guilt/shame you into action and play/prey on your self-image as a "good, honest, helpful, etc. person" + blowing up smoke up your ass (your kindness and positive qualities) -- possibly gaslighting you at the end if you don't give in. "If you were a good person you would..." Tried to hug me and shit, initiating touch quickly as it establishes the newly met as a "trustworthy person" ... Ideally no hugs. ... They might steal sth. "Tell-tale sign" : Look at their shoes! If they wear nice clean sneakers (or fashionable clothing), they're likely lying. = Actively look for incongruence ; Look for invalidating info; ask questions and see if they spin up new story, repeat themselves or some other way avoid a direct answer (+ persistence) --> red flag Check if they (truly) empathize with your side, if they are willing to understand yours (and how well) and if they are willing to go out of the way. (Is there a "safety net" for you?) If they offer you sth small in the beginning as a gift (flower, etc.), they make it more likely you'll give them sth Lesson: Be unaltered by other's attempts to validate/improve/alter your self-image (Thick face), remain meta-aware, be grounded in your own truth and ruthless if need be. Turn back and walk away. Be kinda nice to them but firm, ... you don't know if their gang/fam lives around your neighborhood, as in my case. Give yourself self-love and compassion if (you think) you've been scammed. __ Study your self-deception and self-justification. ("This type of mistakes won't happen to me." etc.) Reasons for falling prey (first time only): Lack of experience and stories about these kind of things Not knowing how to dissuade me from the story they told (= not looking at disconfirming evidence; the somewhat "clean fashionable look" for someone without money, etc.) because they constantly beg and talk, barely leaving room for reflection. (= letting myself get rushed) Letting myself be frame-controlled, giving some money but considerably smaller than what they asked. Not letting my "strong, bad, rude, ruthless" side out, because stuck being the habitual "nice person who wants to help". Being on my own with the people, with none else to reality-check me or give me room to breathe and think/reflect in the interaction. (Maybe they target people who are on their own.)

Maybe you're not on his newsletter? I just checked and there's a book list update email in my inbox from Mai 2019, was an email prompting people to get the book list or check out the updates if they have it already.

really? As far as I remember he said he will do so soon. And that he had updated it quite some times in the past. + you get notified via mail when it updates afaik

^-- This model might be an oversimplication, but it seemed on topic. (This uses Ken Wilber's Integral color codes) from:

clockwise... no clue how to turn her the other way...

Got that one as a gift. Listened to parts of it, ... yet to take more action on and review. Feel free to ask questions you have @flume.

https://archive.org/details/secondsex0000beau_b3k4/page/n835/mode/2up Well, as this beast of a book is pretty available, I'll sure check out parts of it. Thanks. Looks like all the others are easily available too: https://archive.org/details/isbn_9781608464661 https://archive.org/details/vindicationofrig00woll_1 https://archive.org/details/bridgetowholenes0000raff https://archive.org/details/heroinesjourney00murd https://archive.org/details/androgynyopposit00sing https://archive.org/details/goddessesinevery00jean LOL. For anyone wanting to take on the challenge of actually understanding feminism... ^^^^there ya go.

Thanks. The book, in case someone else here wants to read it: https://archive.org/details/yesmeansyes00frie/

oh, I see watcha did there...

Just throwing this in here: This is one of the more (most?) insightful threads I read in this sub-forum for a long time (ever?) - together with that other one which got deleted. Thanks to everyone participating in this conversation, and all women who share their experiences! Quite some perspective change / behavior change / empathy-unleashing for me from reading this. (And yes, been "guilty" of some of the behavior described. Apologies, I didn't get any of this. )

orange transcends blue and integrates it's circle of concern too. (means: orange transcends and includes "my country/nationality") red doesn't have that circle of concern developed yet. It's very egoic, cares only about "me" and is only loyal to itself. Orange is more in control of it's impulses, Red is impulsive. Health Orange has the lessons of healthy Blue. Pure Red doesn't have those yet.

main argument I heard is that it's not thermal damage, ... so "frying" wouldn't be the most precise term. And it doesn't evne have to do with inioning vs non-ionizing radiation and damage afaii. I agree with your understanding that there's lots of conspiracy thinking and shitty thinking around the topic. And it sucks for points you can come up with, and cause there's actually more "convincing" media out there. There's a conspiracy thinking element to this topic right now, i.e. lots of people just believing it (wherever they heard it from Alex Jones or cause their friends believe it, ...) ideologically with no intent on reflection and taking it in with the rest of conspiracy theory they get stuck in... -- And if there turns out to be wider acceptance regarding this topic, "these dullards" will use the grain of truth they found (by accident and shitty epistemology) as a way to rationalize their worldview. ... there's "higher quality" (seemingly) thought around this issue (using some google:) I mean, cell phone use and blood clotting in the brain is established fact imo. If that's true, what else might be... Still open to there being little actual health risk and the opposite, tho.

Found this online, wanted to share. As always, practice discernment

hahaha and talk about synchronicity, one of my go-to book summary sites I randomly checked out has new summary on all four books (eerie ) https://blas.com/the-nature-of-order-1/ https://blas.com/the-nature-of-order-2/ https://blas.com/the-nature-of-order-3/ https://blas.com/the-nature-of-order-4/

Random: Supposedly someone looked at the ideas from those Nature of Order Books and how they show up in game design... https://www.slideshare.net/jesseschell/the-nature-of-order-in-game-narrative

Tarantino Nails Life Purpose (from Leo's blog) and Leo also mentioned STING (musician) in some blog post on acing their life purpose.

algal / algea oil too, besides krill oil. algea oil isn't the "regular" plant omega-3, it has better absorption, as far as I read.

What do you need/want to know this for? How long have you been in this situation? (Doubting the medium.) What’s there for you to feel now? Go deeper, beyond the image of “writing” you have. Investigate. Judgement and thought taking place of curious open observation of what is. What are you really doing while “writing”? _ What would you do out of a state of acceptance? Idk. Why not explore some more? More exciting isn’t (always) the same as constant highs. And maybe it gives you constant highs in the beginning for a while and then fluctuates... or not. Possibility: redefine the medium and take a spin on it. You don’t have to pick predefined mediums — have your own definition of / perspective on / niche on “writing” (e.g. pen and paper, articles, short stories, ... — the concept of holons applies to mediums.) Lastly: does this stop you? How would this stop your life purpose / action aligned with and towards that direction? (I’m partly posting this reply though I doubt it’s useful or accurate because it took a while typing it and it’s an ol’ INFJ habit to then delete it... Mustn’t be perfect. Hope it puts you on some tangent or reflection to get an insight yourself. ?)

Thanks! I'll find the book when needed. It might've been The Stormy Search for self by Stan Grof.

Hi @RedLine. Can you refer to a specific article, video(s) or book(s)? I'd like to read up on what you said.

Could see it through EDT stages. Some stages define themselves by material possessions or group adherence and so on (afaik). Thus it may be they were trying to get to know "you" through their lens, ... and you kinda transcended (and included? forgot?) cause you don't define yourself with or put much importance on these "facts".

We don't know the exact course material, so we don't know. But you might be able to learn the abstract principles which make marketing work and which are applicable in all kinds marketing and business. Check out some of Eben Pagan's Stuff too, imo.