Extreme Z7

<--[03-11-16]--> Monkeys Everywhere ARRGH! I keep noticing monkeys everywhere in my college. It's almost unbearable now, although that's an overestimation because I can handle it pretty well. The worst part about it, and this is what gives me a lot of emotional distress, is that I myself am engaging (or at least just involved) in the same chimp behavior. Because I have no choice, either I pretend to be a good student and get to live in a house and have my parents continue feeding me or I just quit the entire academic game altogether. I want to be free of chimps running my life basically. I want to work on getting rid of my chimp nature so I can live the life of a true human being. It's obvious I need a life-changing transition if I'm ever going to get closer to my authentic living. I'm tired of having my parents doing simple work for me in exchange for my freedom to choose a more authentic way of living, I want to live a more mature life. My current plan is just to graduate and get out of the academic game and then figure stuff out from there. The more I think about it, the more I realize I need to come up with a more well-thought of plan. I'm looking back at the past weeks and I feel like I should spend more time learning about the real world. If only I had more time though because all my time was spent on "important" college projects, lectures, and exams. I would also allocate a large chunk of my free time on creative hobbies and a small part on entertainment. The main reason I spend so much time on college work despite hating it is because of stress, fear and anxiety from all sorts of reasons. My consciousness and self-observation work help so much though but I can only be detached for so long. I kind of want to become like Leo who allegedly spends most of his time reading and learning all sorts of concepts about reality and real world dynamics, real world society etc. Starting tomorrow I'm going to make a commitment to studying about real life and personal development concepts daily. I already have spent a lot of my time studying, watching videos and learning about all sorts of personal development concepts and practical knowledge about reality but I've haven't yet made the commitment to do it everyday. I think that's why I keep falling back to the neurotic habits and worrying. I can only allocate a small amount of my time everyday though but I hope whatever I learn with this commitment will accumulate into something great, hopefully.

<--[03-10-16]--> Lower Self vs Damn Bugs Yes today was another day where most of my time was spent in my academic life. If you've followed around my journal, it'd make sense for you to assume that I absolutely despise the academic aspect in my life. Unlike other people, I have no desire to get good grades or study hard for academic reasons because it's ultimately not connected to anything that I feel will fulfill me in life. Anyway, today I found myself thinking a lot about the 'lower self'. My meditation session today was not one of my favorites but it definitely was one of the most emotionally challenging ones. This one was even more difficult than when I decided to do Strong Determination Sitting instead of Zen Meditation that one time. I hated it. Or rather my ego hated it a lot. Anyway, I decided to meditate at a local park under a tree where a lot of bugs are crawling. The reason why this is so difficult for my lower self to do is because it tends to react strongly against insects like most people. I hate it when I'm meditating and some ant or fly is crawling across my skin. The park makes it even worse because there the occasional grass spider decides to explore my flesh. I usually can't tell if it's a fly or spider on my body until I decide to look (even though, I'm not supposed to). If it's a fly, I might compulsively shoo it away. If it's a spider. SHIT SHIT SHIT GET OFF! There were a couple of those incidents during this meditation. The highlight was when a lizard decided to climb up on my lap. I looked down, the lizard startled me, then I startled the lizard as I began to stand up and I ran off about two feet. 5 minutes later I decided I needed to go back to same place to finish the meditation. Why was I scared by a harmless lizard? Well it was really something I least expected, it was just suddenly there. Anyway, that triggered a lot of thoughts about the lower self in the remaining amount of time the meditation played out and also afterwards it. I began to ponder the idea of "Hell on Earth" which is an idea that I got from Leo Gura's explanations on spiritual enlightenment. I began to think about how far away I really am from enlightenment because of how much work I still need to do to tame my lower self. I'm beginning to get a sense that all my suffering really comes from the lower self and that that's where I need to focus my attention towards if I'm to progress in the spiritual awakening stuff. That's all I want to talk about today. Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite, well actually no maybe try to let them do as they please, anything to tame the wild impulsive ego within you.

(•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑

@Soulbass Well thanks, I'll keep that in mind next time something similar might happen.

<--[03-09-16]--> Mundane Day Yes, got through another day without anything seriously bad happening. Regular regular normal day. The meditation session didn't have much interesting stuff come up although that should be expected. I really wish I could get this college stuff done as soon as possible. I would get more time to do self-actualization work. I keep getting distracted by all these projects, lectures and exams that I'm given very little free time to learn the stuff I think would be greatly beneficial to me and would allow me to create more awesome days. Well, at least I did get some knew creative stuff uploaded though. I'll just link to that then I'm going to bed. It's late. First up! New blog post. I made a review of a free indie game I played a few days ago. Pretty okay game but I had a lot to complain about it. Check out the review on the link below. http://extremez7.blogspot.com/2016/03/free-indie-game-review-hyper-flex.html Next, New Song! Haven't uploaded one in a while. I actually had a new one done last week but I didn't think it was good enough to upload. So I just started a new project, now I finished that one and here it is. It's a 180 bpm Happy Hardcore track about fun carnivals and rollercoasters. Here's to hoping I'll have the ability to create more awesome days in the future!

<--[03-08-16]--> Life is okay sometimes Today wasn't so bad, at least relative to what my average day is like. Despite all the stress and lack of free time I have because of college, I actually managed to get myself to be really mindful and not get caught up in all the negative thought processes and imagination. Sometimes when this happens, I feel a sense of weakening of the sense of self. Not a complete removal, just a subtle fading before I go back to another thought process. Although I do wish I had been given more free time today. Most of it was just spent doing more college activities. Still trying to remain conscious through the entire days because it's very easy for me to actually start thinking about stuff about college or just plain get bored and drift into whatever fantasies I have for the future as opposed to making conscious action. I'm currently having a bit of a clearer picture of what I want during my visualization sessions. It's so radically different from my current situation but I actually feel a lot of emotional attraction to it. I'll talk more about this visualization dream I have for myself in the future. Also, I have not forgotten about the blog I started at Blogspot. (extremez7.blogspot.com). I plan to write another blog post tomorrow. I started the blog because I wanted to broaden my horizons on topics I want to talk about. Obviously, I wouldn't want to be talking about video games, music, or just random stuff that's in my head in this self-actualization journal. That's what I want to talk about in the blog.

@Soulbass I still don't know whether I should care about the student who killed himself/herself. What do you think?

<--[03-07-16]--> A FUN TIME IN COLLEGE LAND Monday again. Most of my time was spent in a college that I don't like, listening to lectures I don't care about because the only reason I go there is because this is the life my parents have built for me. Behind closed doors I'm slowly trying to build my skillsets so I can finally start living authentically. Even if I make a shitty living, I should at least have the freedom to choose that living. Right now, I'm unconsciously being quiet around other people about what I actually feel this whole academic game is like. The classmates I meet in this college are some of the most unaware and clueless people I know, just completely oblivious to all the different lies and manipulations other people have bestowed unto them that give them fuel to go through college without questioning it. Oh yes, and there was a report that someone at the college commited suicide recently because of issues in his/her (I don't know the gender) academic life. So that's fun right? Personally, I feel like this shouldn't really matter to me. Honestly, I really cannot decide whether I should or shouldn't feel bad about this. I openly told a fellow classmate that I don't really care about this whole issue so you know what? I'm just going to say "Not my problem. . ." There is a much bigger discussion to be had here about society's blind pressure towards academic excellence and how that's actually breeding a whole generation of clueless robots who have no idea what real learning and much less inner growth is like. But I actually want to leave that for future entries. Still, all these issues still don't distract me from what I'm actually supposed to be doing with my life: Stopping to smell the roses as much as possible. Also I realize I have not been making much entries about my past recently, I'll try to do more of that in future entries.

You can believe only in things that you know cannot be expressed in words. At least, cannot be accurately expressed in words. Basically, you have to learn to believe in stuff that are not beliefs. Create belief systems that are bent towards destroying one's own belief system. Very tricky stuff.

I've always been interested about this concept about this issue of chimpery in modern society ever since I watched Leo's video "30 Ways Society Fucks You In The Ass". I want to learn more about this topic. If anyone here knows about any place where I can learn more about social systems and social behaviors in modern (preferably western) society, please let me know. I think it may help me progress more towards self-actualization.

<--[03-06-16]--> Generic Artist Contemplation #45017 I've pondering what it is exactly I'm spending with my time and what I want to call myself to other people. I mean I've dabbled with music production, developed a few games, learned how to edit videos and upload them on YouTube, and I even am trying to learn Japanese. And now I've decided to start writing stuff in a blog because I wanted to. (http://extremez7.blogspot.com/). The reason why I started it because there are some stuff out there that I really like that I just want to talk about. Don't worry, I'll be exclusively talking about my opinions on other people's games and music (and some other stuff) there. It won't be my new self-actualization journal. In the blog's first entry I talk about リズム天国 (Rizumu Tengoku) which is a Japan-only GBA title that I like very much that some people have made an English hack for. Playing the game a second time pretty much inspired me to write about and talk about how much I love the game. Anyway, my mind decided that a good label for what I love doing everyday is being a "multiple hobbyist". I actually see many other hobbyists entering the same phase too where we actually are in an era where most of us have multiple interests and spend so much of our time in different things. Although, we do tend to focus on one particular hobby like I do with music production, to an extent we have an unhealthy desire to be good at everything. As I've experienced, this is both an ambitious and neurotic trait. On the one this can be a very motivational mindset to have that can be a source for a lot of energy but on the other hand, it can give a lot of anxiety to accomplish a lot of different things while at the same time having to make way for activities that you don't like but need to do for survival in today's society like in my case, going to college. This is all I want to write about today. Keep upgrading everyone, I'm signing off.

@Sam Meh. . . you'll learn to be more comfortable in your own subjective reality. Whatever happens externally, whether it's betrayal or anything else, it's all just content from the outside world. You have to learn to master control of your subjective reality. Study it, Know it, Be it. What is happening to you is not the problem here, it's your resistance towards it.

@Sam Getting rid of all negative perceptions of reality is just step 1. If you're really honest and want to be dedicated to start creating the reality you want to live in. It's going to take an extreme amount of patience and persistence. Literally what I'm saying is that you will learn nothing from my reply. You yourself will have life-changing realizations over the next years if you really want to put in the effort to solve this adversity you have in your life. Good Luck, you're going to need a LOT of this if you're just starting out.

It's going to take a really really long time. Don't worry, you're not permanently fucked, everything is temporary everything comes and goes. Stop overreacting. Also DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT write stuff like "this pitiless world we live in" because you're assuming that everyone else sees the same world you do. This is a fairly common use of language I see many emotionally troubled people do in the internet. The reality is that other people do not see your misery and the all the negativity you see in the world is ultimately created by your own perceptions. Only you can figure what needs to be done to fix whatever problems you have. This is actually going to take years so be very patient. Calm down, try not to distract yourself, and then get a clear idea of what you want to start doing to fix your problems.

<--[03-05-16]--> I Don't Feel Like Writing an Entry Today as I Feel This Was A Pretty Mundane Day So I'm Just Going To Put Everything In The Title For This Entry Because I Just Spent The Entire Day Doing Stuff I Wanted To Do Anyway Like College Work and Reading About Educational Stuff I Want To Learn About and Also Creative Work Too So I'll Just Write Nothing But a Semicolon ;

<--[03-04-16]--> Strong Determination Nothing I tried doing Strong Determination Sitting today for the first time. I tried doing it for 1 hour, not sure what other people are complaining about, it was surprisingly easy. I'm not saying it WAS easy, just relatively easier than what I've read other people say about it here although it was really difficult nonetheless. Okay it was not a perfect session, for the first 20 minutes I tried doing it with my eyes closed and occasionally I would feel my head bob down because it was almost making me sleepy so I deduced that I should not keep my eyes closed during the sit. For the remaining 40 minutes I successfully sat there motionless. I kept having urges to move and do something else, usually pretty normal for a meditation session of mine. I have to say, it was definitely more effective my normal Zen meditation technique. My normal meditation frequently has me flying off to fantasy land having dreams about impossible occurrences in reality and ideas for whatever creative thing my mind comes up with. With SDS, I was able to achieve levels of mental clarity that I have not yet witnessed in previous sessions. I felt a strong sense of control of my emotions and body during the sit. I could feel my mind and body begin to have sensations of sadness and frustration when it could not move to get rid of a passing pain or itch. I could feel myself power the resistance to the negative feelings and stay clear headed. I was very happy when my smartphone beeped signalling the end of 1 hour, I could finally feel a bit of relief. I should try doing this again a bit more times.

Woah! It's really awesome to see somebody else starting to make the decision to change one's life. Personal Development reveals a very long and difficult journey. Even something as simple as meditation has incredible depth and power in life that you won't be able to see until many months of consistent meditation down the line. Looking forward to seeing your advancements!

<--[03-03-16]--> Self-Image I think it's about time I talk about another one of my personal problems I encounter everyday in life. This is a very personal one, it's my self-image. Notice that I've recently changed my username. For the past months, I've been changing my username on my YouTube and SoundCloud page because I have trouble deciding what I want to stick with but that's just the surface level stuff that occurs from this problem I have, it's not even that much of a problem. I have major self-image issues. I constantly have anxiety over what I create as an artist because of this. I can't even begin to describe the conflicting voices in my head that tell me that I'm supposed to be manifesting a particular style in my works. Voices that tell me to pursue this style of music or that style of music. Or tell that I'm supposed to think this way or that way. It causes a lot of anxiety especially as an amateur in my craft. I hope to be able to slowly build myself to transcend this problem in the future but for now, I find staying in the present moment 100% helps a lot. The problem is I have to keep reminding myself to stay in the present moment. Whenever in the present moment, there's clarity with reality. I know that in reality, the self-image is not real and it's all an illusion but it seems my mind has not committed that yet to the subconscious. If only personal development were THAT easy, huh? That's all I want to write about today. I spent almost the entire day working on college stuff and going to the scheduled lectures. It was very boring and I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed.

I think the saddest part of this story is that what the four guys were advocating are really positive stuff. It's genuinely good to be physically fit and healthy, attractive to the opposite sex, and rich, and even addicted to your own consciousness. The problem with these four people is that they are ultimately distracting themselves from a psychological truth that might scare themselves shitless. The truth that it is impossible for the person to be happy. A big delusion among modern society is that it is possible to be happy as a person. This means that everything a person does, no matter how significant it is in his life, is psychologically impossible to make one achieve happiness. The person also cannot know happiness. Here's a twist though that I'm sure a lot of spiritual seekers have realized, we are not people. This entity we know as "the person" is an ultimate fiction and therefore everything this person knows is a fiction as well. If a person thinks he is happy or something has given him happiness, that happiness is a fiction and will soon to be shown as an illusion. However, as existential beings, it is very much possible to achieve happiness. In fact, we are already happy, not only that, our entire being IS happiness. People have used other words for this same concept of being: freedom, love, God, Christ, whatever you want to call it. The reality is that the person is always hiding itself from the true nature of reality. Why? Because in order to see this happiness, the person has to die. And it has to die as soon as possible. The person is all about survival. Without distraction, clarity remains. Clarity will dissolve this person as if it were a vampire under the sun!

<--[03-02-16]--> Simple Joys of Unhappiness Pretty mundane day overall but still tried to enjoy as much as I could. College life took a large portion of it again but if I take into account Leo's advice in his last video, the trick is not to finish/ignore college, it's just to come to an emotional surrender/acceptance of the situation. You know what? I would like to stop spending so much attention on college life but that's actually causing me a lot of misery. The only times I actually feel college is affecting my life the least is when I actually sit down and do whatever I need to do for it even though I know it's not helping me advance in life in anyway. However, I'm going to have to muster up the emotional control to deal with it while still leaving enough time to work on other aspects of my life. I don't want to spend all the hours in my day only working on college stuff, that would be even worse for me. So far what's really helped me here is balance. Meditated by the ocean again today, I still haven't yet reached a point where the voice has quieted enough to get a clear picture of everything going on around me. I still have a lot of work to do in this aspect of my life but so far, this is where the most progress I see happening in my personal development so far. I got a deep sense after meditating today that I (the person) is actually quite unhappy and miserable where as the awareness feels subtly peaceful. I'm oversimplifying the experience obviously, subjective consciousness is very hard to explain. Speaking of unhappiness, I realized my misery is mostly a result of years of conditioning in my early life to expect certain things. (Again, I'm trying to simplify things) A lot of those things I do not have in my present situation and if what I hear in psychology is true, even changing things to make it closer to what I've been made to want will not make me happy. I'm think I may need to work more in contemplating my life and the directions I'm going to take in the future. One part of me is constantly unsatisfied and with neurotic thoughts while the other part finds joy in this reality, I've always enjoyed challenges, I find it hard to see or even believe that finding peace of mind in this lifetime is possible but as I've said before, I am incredibly persistent. It's like taking joy in this journey through unhappiness. In other news, still making progress in that learning Japanese thing which want to learn because why not?

<--[03-01-16]--> March Already? Damn. . . I did a little bit of everything today. Did some college work; practiced a bit of music production; spent a bit of time on the game I'm developing as if it was a novel; did a bit of learning Japanese; watched some Youtube Let's Plays; and then spiritual work. Meditated by the ocean today. The meditation wasn't one of my best sessions but I felt today in general was one of my most mindful days. When not meditating I hope to be able to at least practice the art of mindfulness to its full potential. It's a simple thing that on the outside may seem like nonsense to focus on because of how stupidly simplistic it is but I can't help but keep noticing just how much it's improving how I feel about the day overall. Anyway, I want to do a little February recap: * A few people who noticed my Journal have decided to start fun discussions with me online. Really appreciate that. * Was able to share some of my recent hardcore tracks. I want to learn as much about music as I can before I die so I'll be expanding my horizons with music in the future * Still as lonely and isolated as ever, but you know what? It doesn't matter, I can't even begin to describe just how much mindfulness and spirituality have helped me to tolerate all sorts of negative situations. Besides, personal relationships are going to come up on their own in the future anyway. * Doing pretty mediocre in college, don't give a shit. * Video games!. . . didn't play a lot. Didn't feel like I needed much external comfort. * Still watching YouTube videos everyday, they're just so easy to do. I don't spend too much time on them though, I try to have clarity to what I want to get done everyday. * Had decent work done on the indie game I'm developing as a single developer. Still not sure when I want to start talking about it though. There's a lot more I want to talk about but these are the first things that come to mind. I'm sleepy. Off to Dreamland I go. . . again. Til' next time.

I'm a computer science undergrad. . . so I'm a logic guy? I don't know. Anyway, that might count as being a math nerd who's into personal development.

<--[02-29-16]--> EXP +100 Today was fairly smooth. I had a lot of college work to do today. I managed get myself to control my emotional self that hates everything to do with college and actually motivate myself to actually finishing the coding work required. The deadline for said work was today. Even though I still needed to spend some hours in lectures, I still had enough free time to code my way to finishing the requirement. So that made me feel a bit better for the day. I spent a lot of time in my head thinking about the concept of 'existential nothingness'. Yes, I'm still listening to those online lectures about enlightenment. I focused a bit on mindfulness practice just trying to be experience. Of course, thoughts and imaginations keep arising. I'm still very early in this journey, can't expect anything big yet. Although, I find Moojiji's spiritual lectures very entertaining. I first talked about this same lecture in Entry #02-22-16 by the way if you're interested in watching it yourself, very profound. King: "Nothing is higher than God!" Yogi: "Ah yes, but I am that." ^ Just an obscure reference from the video So that was my day, I liked this day. Not bad. Kinda felt good looking back. Nothing significant really happened but it was more positive than the average day I've ever had. Oh yes, I've decided to also start learning Japanese as it's a little ambition of mine. I've actually already started learning Japanese Hiragana symbols last year but that was very early in my personal development journey (I started last year so it was very very early). But I still didn't have the emotional framework to be able to remain emotionally invested for a really long time and so many other things happened and I eventually forgot about it. I've decided to start again from Lesson 1. I want to see how far I can go this time.

Good Luck, man. Haven't tried it myself but feel free to tell me how it was like.

<--[02-28-16]--> Meh. . . Nothing of interest to write about today. Did some studying for college. Read some fiction a bit. Then watched some tutorials online and some entertaining videos too. Played a video game for half an hour. And now I'm reading a pdf of Ouspensky's "The Fourth Way". Pretty regular day. What were you expecting more? Sorry. . . here's a picture of a. . . actually nevermind, I don't get what's so funny about posting a random image because you're not feeling motivated enough to write something creative.