Extreme Z7

@ZenBlue That's okay, most of us struggle with dealing with distractions that seem to be out of our control. In my case, it's academic life. Still, we can always find the time to work on ourselves despite that. It's just a matter of trying to be strategic about it.

<05-20-16> I Don't Want To Be A Rotting Fish I had a big exam today. It was a big one and studying for it and then taking it made me feel really exhausted. I don't want to talk about that today. though. I worry too much about academic life but something I haven't really gotten my finger onto yet is exactly why. . . I used to tell myself that it's probably because I don't want to fail but that's an unsatisfactory reason, I think. I mean so what if I fail a test, I'm not doing so bad that doing so would be dire. The more I think about it, the more I realize that actually, I'm pretty much just scared of leaving college altogether. I feel too uncertain of what exactly is going to happen in my life outside college whether I graduate or not. It just feels scary to think about how little I know about what's going to happen. I've been living life under a safe shade for waaay too long ever since my birth and inevitably I'm going to have to leave it and I don't think it's going to feel good exactly. Doesn't mean that I'm not going to do it, though. To tell you the truth, I hate living under this safe roof my parents have kept me in for so long. I want to be able to see what's out there and take risks and live by my own values but I find that's going to take incredible emotional pain to get too. I still feel like I'm not yet ready for that pain, but as soon as possible, I'm going to have to develop the courage for it. It's either that or stagnation. And I want to become a fuller human being, not a rotting fish.

@Anna Konstantaki Man, I haven't even gotten to a point in my life yet where I have that much freedom.

<05-19-16> All I Need Is Presence Of Mind Struggling to become present and in the moment was common theme for me today. Had to study a lot for tomorrow's test and I really struggled to really find the time to be mindful. But I still managed to do it, eventually. Right now, I'm drawing with a mindset to try to be as present as I can while I do it and not to get lost on thoughts that lessen my level of happiness. Although I still kinda wish it wasn't this difficult but that's a different topic. That's all I have for today, I wish I had more but I really don't and I just need to be aware and accept it for what it is.

@ZenBlue You're doing good! I'm happy for you!

YIS!

<05-18-16> Still Struggling With Distraction I feel like I'm being just as overly distracted and unfocused today, productivity-wise, as I was 3 months ago. This is probably what personal development folks talk about called "just one of those days when you feel like you're not being as effective as you should be". I guess today really just wasn't destined to be a day where I really feel happy with what I did because I couldn't just get my mind to align with a single thing at a time. I just can't focus on studying, or being mindful, or reading a book, or working on my indie game, my attention is just all over the place. I'm going to try to lie on my bed and do nothing for an indefinite amount of time after I finish some studying work. Maybe that will clear my mind a bit.

<05-17-16> Hoo Boy, What a Day. Total freaking chaos. I'm feel like I'm being stretched in all different directions. And it feels like it's been that way for months but am only now really seeing. This "Find the time to do nothing" mindset made me realize just how little free time I have to just be able to enjoy life as it is. I was able to find the time today to lie down in bed and just stare at the ceiling for about 1 and a half hour to keep doing this "do nothing" technique I've been thinking about lately, and it felt like one of the most difficult experiences to push through in my entire life. I barely even laid there for 30 minutes and my body already started having some involuntary squirming from the dire lack of stimulation. So that was my morning, my afternoon was chaos. Even though, I tried to find time to try out more, "do nothing", I wasn't successfully able to find the time. Still had a lot of academic work to do but now that's done. All I want now is just a nice Ren and Stimpy episode then I'm going to bed.

<05-16-16> Same Place, A New World Today was probably the first day of my life where I have made a commitment to try to connect more to 'being' and less 'doing'. Let me tell you, despite my attempt being imperfect and actually not that great, it still felt surprisingly good. Normally, I would have spent all my free time today alone at my room working on various projects and distracting myself sometimes with music or the internet. But even just observing and walking around aimlessly for an hour today made me feel feelings of happiness that I've never felt in a long time. It feels like deja vu like I've felt this back in my childhood somehow. Contrast that to how I felt working for hours at a time and taking breaks by watching YouTube videos, it feels like I've discovered a whole new beautiful world that I've been ignoring for the past years. To anyone reading this or even someone looking from the outside, it may not look like I'm living much. But let me tell you, deep down, I just feel freaking amazed by how wonderful 'being' actually feels like. And you know what? I don't think I've even scratched the surface of what a true life of 'being' actually is. I owe all this to Leo's recent episode "Lifestyle Minimalism" which inspired me to try and do less for the sake of 'being' more. However, the experience was actually mostly flawed. While I had the free time to choose to do nothing, my mind kept having all these different thought stories on everything I could be doing and I tried my best to ignore it but ultimately I still fell back to it eventually but that's okay. I still have tomorrow. I found my mind also having negative emotions and reactions to this experience. Feelings of cravings to go do something. Even though, I tried my best to be mindful and be in the present moment, the negative emotions and cravings pretty much stayed for almost the entire experience. So overall, it was an odd mix of subtle joy and weak but constant withdrawal symptoms. With enough work, I can only imagine what it will be like years down the line. This is Extreme Z7, until next time.

<05-15-16> Knowing the Path, Searching for Where It Begins Leo's knew video was mind-blowing for me. Not in an ecstatic sort of sense but in a more contemplative way. It shed light onto 90% of the bullshit that's going on in my life right now that I didn't even realize was there. Even before I began my actualization journey, I was already bombarding myself with new activities all the god damn time. And pretty much all of them involved the internet in some way. I spend a lot of my time doing various activities with my laptop and it never occurred that I was not giving myself space to actually do the thing that actually matters. I can meditate all I want but as long as I keep having the next thing to do in my mind, and the next thing, and the next thing, and the next thing, how the hell I'm I ever going to really progress in life? The video's message overall felt very bitter-sweet. It felt like tasting an ice-cream with an odd mix of delicious strawberry and toxic waste. But yet, it felt so deep and significant to me that I didn't even need to take that much notes. I only did near the end when Leo mentioned a list of key things that I should be interested in and only interested in if I want to live a non-chaotic and spacious life. Meditation, Contemplation, Learning, Enlightenment, Life Purpose, Mindful Action, Being. Fortunately, everything on this list I've tried out and experienced for myself the results they give. Unfortunately, I distract myself a lot from them, not only with entertainment but especially with my worries and anxieties and the wastes-of-time they make me. I'm going to make a commitment now to really get my life into shape in a way that I can't even communicate in this journal but I will do it nonetheless.

@appleaurorae Knowing the path is not the same as actually walking it. You can discuss about this topic all you want and that's fine but ultimately what you need to do if you want to really understand Leo's video is try to see where he's coming from. And then put massive action into trying to get to that same place and wanting it badly.

<05-14-16> Slice and Dice So today I probably spent 25% of my energy working on my indie game, 25% on trying to revive my reading habit (I still haven't finished reading "Becoming Steve Jobs" because of my sudden pause of the habit), 25% trying to study, and now I want to spend the remaining 25% working a little bit more on my game before I watch some cartoons online before going to bed. I'm trying not to push myself too hard today. That's part of the reason why I stopped reading, it was because I was so stressed out and overworking myself on all my college requirements combined with my daily routine and forcing myself to spend time practicing my creative hobbies. I still don't have a plan for what I want to do after college but I feel getting back to my sense of curiosity from the reading habit will help me a lot. On another note, I've had an interesting idea yesterday that I forgot to mention. I've always been very indecisive when it came to choosing what type of meditation I want to do for the day. Most meditators, I think, can choose a single technique to try out repeatedly for a month or so but I can't. I always decide which technique I want to use just before the session and it always ends up with me losing track and switching to a different type of meditation that feels more comfortable. Not anymore though! I've decided to get myself a 6-sided dice (which I took from a board game) and everyday, right after I finish meditating, I throw the dice to determine what type of meditation I will do for the next day (so I can prepare if necessary). Here is what I've decided which dice outcome results on which meditation technique => Do Nothing Technique => Zen Meditation => Mindfulness Meditation => Guided Meditation (I must also throw the dice a second time to tell which type of meditation I want to have guided for me. If I land with a 2 or 3 or 5, I do use their corresponding meditation technique but guided but if I end up with a 1 or 4 or 6, I end up doing a general guided meditation which focuses on no technique in particular). => Neti Neti Method => Strong Determination Sitting That's it for today. I rolled a 3 today so that means I'm going to be doing a Mindfulness Meditation session tomorrow.

<05-13-16> A Vision for the Future of this Journal Sometimes I think I'm taking this journal business for granted. I know I'm supposed to use this journal as a means to monitor my progress in life but most of the time I feel like I'm just writing stuff that's on my mind rather than using it to motivate my self-growth. I feel like I'm too focused on writing the content that I'm mostly forgetting to, you know, do something that is worth writing about. Sometimes, I even feel too lazy to even really write about anything not always because of pure laziness but usually because I needed to get a lot of non-life-purpose work done and I feel too drained and exhausted by the end of the day to spend the 10 minutes necessary to write about something. I'm very productivity-oriented which means I view every new task as a contestant in a queue. This journal just feels like a daily routine for me when I feel like I could be using as a reflection on how I decided to spend my time today. Time I will NEVER get back. At least I take my daily meditation habit seriously enough that I actually experience growth from it. But with this journal, I feel it is just another daily task that I do just because I committed without thinking about why I committed in the first place. So what do I REALLY want for this journal? I want to feel inspired and motivated for the next day. I don't want to just write about what I thought or did today, they feel like memories I will quickly forget within a few days. I want to be able to spend everyday that I still write on this journal doing something that will inspire me to try harder or at least keep going the next day. What inspired me to have this idea? This photo I found. Yep, that's good 'ol Gura himself with a huge stack of mostly non-fiction books. For the past month I've actually stopped reading books. Mostly because of a combination of laziness and distraction from college life and also just general distraction. And for the past week, I've had thoughts go past my mind about it but I just couldn't synthesize the motivation to read the books I have that I used to have when I first committed to saving money to buy books. Looking at this photo screamed something awake in me. It was the desire for knowledge that fell asleep from the long boredom of working on college requirements that I have no interest in even doing. And now it's jolted awake again. Motivation and Inspiration are very transient things. In other words, they don't last very long. I think that's why it's important I use this journal to start a cycle of write journal - get motivated for next day - write journal - get motivated for next day - write journal - get motivated for next day, rinse, lather, repeat. I'm very lucky already that I even discovered Actualized.org and have this journal. I really don't want to feel like squandering it.

<05-12-16> Do Not Disturb *beep* Hey, this is Extreme Z7. I'm currently too busy drawing and watching cartoons online right now to write about my day. Please try again tomorrow. *beep*

<05-11-16> Back To Normal Journal Entries Again I had a lot of free time today which I decided to dedicate to working some more on my indie game project. I've decided I've worked enough on the college projects to spend more unnecessary time on them. It's been a while since I've felt this kind of freedom. I still felt a lot of stress and anxiety over the fact that I was eventually going to lose the free time and have to go back to face the stressful situation of spending so many hours on a college course that I don't even like. I'm basically committed for the remaining half of the year to focus solely on finishing the work I started with my indie game. I still have no idea how I'm going to get people to play it but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. However, I still need to focus on the remaining requirements of the semester. It's clear they've given me so much stuff to do that I won't be able to finish all of them by the end of the semester. The consequences are barely anything though. I'm still allowed to submit them even after the semester period. On another note, let's talk spirituality. I don't think I'm ever going to reach enlightenment for another several years. I can still work to practice mindfulness and increase awareness but at my current situation, I have no choice but to be attached to external reality or die. In other words, deciding right now to leave home and isolate myself in the woods or enter a Buddhist monastery is a bad strategic move for my life and also virtually impossible. I have to wait for the right time I can do it. For now, I must focus on life purpose goals and hopefully reach success and independence both financially and mentally. That's all for today, have a nice day or good night depending on where you are.

<05-10-16> no So much work today. . .

I was told over the internet once that my pursuit for my dreams and my search for happiness was misguided and stupid. This was from a guy who claimed that the news can give you an accurate view of reality and that he was 40 years old so of course he knows what he's talking about. Who gives a shit about how old you are, my dad is over 50 and he's one of the most worthless and most ignorant people I know. Most people in modern society shouldn't be taken seriously, especially those that don't know anything about true personal development and spirituality.

<05-09-16> *sigh* I spent most of my energy today still working just on a college project for this semester. Again, my mind is basically devoid of ideas for writing something creative for this journal entry. I haven't yet tried out Leo's "Grasping the Illusory Nature of Thoughts" journal challenge from his last episode so I really don't have any material to work with. I'll try it tomorrow though and I'll keep it for the whole week. Let's see if I can get any improvements in my mindfulness skills because those are very important. For now, see ya'

<05-08-16> Pleasant Irony It's Mother's Day today. I drew my mom a Mother's Day greeting for today's celebration. I've been really getting out of my rut with drawing. I still remember vividly a moment about 4 years ago when I felt very sad with my insecurity and deficiency with drawing. I tried to draw something like my computer mouse and couldn't even do that. I even google searched if drawing skills are genetic (I still had a dire lack of mindfulness). And I just gave up and went back to playing video games. Fast forward to today and I'm still not really good at it but I'm good enough that I've been able to recreate a few cartoon characters from my childhood well with nothing but a pencil and some paper. I wish I could go back to my past teenage self or even my child self and slap him and the face and yell "Practice, yoo eeediot!". But that's not important. The important thing is that I essentially drew my mom a "Happy Mother's Day" greeting and she loved it. The funny part is that she said I must have inherited drawing genes from her. Pleasant Irony. . .

@ZenBlue That's why we have a concept called faith, man. This is why the rationalistic majority of the world do not do this sort of practice.

<05-07-16> Welcome to the Future I told myself I would work on school projects and study really hard today. And while I did manage to get a lot of productivity with college work done, I found myself struggling to study. It just felt like I had so much free time today that my brain kept yapping about all the fun stuff I could be doing instead. And damn, I felt so goddamn bored. I had such a hard time focusing that in the end, I decided to ditch studying by reading and instead searched for video content of the stuff I needed to study so I wouldn't need to exert that much willpower but still gain the necessary knowledge required. You know, I think it was a good idea and worked fine. Welcome to the future. I also decided to get back to working on the indie game I'm working on in small increments again. When I get clear with all of my college requirements for this semester. You can bet I'll be coding, making sprites, and composing music like crazy for the next few months. So excited!

@Anna Konstantaki . It took me just a year until I discovered this one realization when I feel like it should normally take decades for someone in today's society to get this kind of epiphany. It can make you think of what is possible if you just keep continuing the practice.

This was actually my actualization journal entry for today but I thought that this particular entry was one I wanted to share to people outside of my journal. It is about a realization I had about human happiness from a recent meditation session. Feel free to read and let me know what you think. I'll be glad to read your thoughts.

@Fishy Thank you