Meraki

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About Meraki

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    United Kingdom
  • Gender
    Female
  1. Hi all I apologise in advance for the very, very long post ahead! It's hard for me to know what's relevant, but I'd appreciate any advice. Right now I'm a 30 year old woman who has had crippling social anxiety and general anxiety for about 15 years. In short, I've no education, no career or job and I've been unable to keep a job for more than a few months. Right now I am in a long term relationship and we live together, but my issues have reached a point now where I can't keep my head above water any longer. As a child I was very upbeat, positive, very shy but self-assured! I loved sports, art, socialising and was generally a very happy child. There's always been some form of anxiety (shyness mainly) but this became worse because I grew up in a family with a father that has mental health issues. His moods swing like a pendulum and he regularly physically and verbally abused my mother. This later happened to me (in my teens when I became his teen equivalent in the mood department). The names cut to the core (fat, freak, ugly, etc) and hurt more than the physical abuse to be frank. This was the polar opposite of how he could be most of the time (loving, caring and helpful) so it's been very hard for me to acknowledge that side of him. Then when high school came around this is when my life flipped on its head from all angles. I was bullied from day one (physically attacked by people who I didn't even know) and the names echoed that of my father. I went from being focused on academics, sports, etc, to basically doing what I could to avoid school. I'd say that this point was a pivotal moment in that I slowly became absolutely obsessed with my appearance. To be frank, I was always a bit girly but I'd never worn makeup nor cared about how I looked. I couldn't understand why I was getting called "disgusting", "ugly" and "fat" because I never thought that I was, but I slowly began to believe it. Why would kids (and your own father) say those things repeatedly if they weren't true right? I would think to myself, omg I must be hideous for other people to say such things almost every day. So around age 15/16, I would spend 2 hours every morning putting on my make-up and doing my hair until it was perfect. My academics went out of the window and all I cared about was trying to get people to like me through doing my best to look "pretty". And it actually worked sadly. It was so refreshing to have people call me pretty, for boys to ask me out, and I didn't want that to change. Unfortunately the bullying never stopped and in short, around exam time I became agoraphobic and didn't sit my final exams, so left school with absolutely no qualifications. For several years I became house-bound and only left the house on special occasions and with a baseball cap on to hide my face. The old habits with the make-up were still there, my weight dropped even further, all the while living under the same roof as my parents which didn't help. I was put on prozac aged 17 and this helped with the anger I was experiencing but not the anxiety/depression (I've tried to come off this twice but the side-effects made me very ill). Shortly after this, I met my now long-term boyfriend on a penpal website, and after two years of casual chit-chat we met up. He actually lived abroad and at that point I felt ready enough to make a change in my life and spontaneously moved to his country. When I look back, I was never ready (mentally speaking) and my problems only followed with me. I suppose I thought it'd help? I can probably summarise the last 8ish years quite briefly because of how little I've moved forward: - I'm still absolutely obsessed with my appearance and have spent a lot money I don't have on cosmetic surgery. I'm not happier but I can't stop. (I'm ashamed of this ) -If people don't compliment me, I interpret that as me losing my "looks" or they may treat me badly. - I still have no education and have tried to return several times. Anxiety, being completely drained from waking up several hours early to work on my appearance before class and then dropping out altogether. - I've spent most of my time unemployed and the jobs I've had have been terrible for my anxiety (retail/customer facing) - I've tried to conquer my fear of people and crowds by taking a job in London centre but ended up hospitalised with panic attacks - The sense of shame that I feel when people ask me "what do you do" makes me avoid any social gatherings with my partner. He can't understand this. - I despise myself and every single day and i can feel my life passing me by. This causes me huge anxiety in itself and I can't relax. I can't sleep properly anymore... I can't enjoy the things I used to in life. Stomach ulcers are the regular and I've had a benign brain tumour so my health hasn't been great. I suppose I thought that with time I'd get better, and I'd be in a better place. But imagine being 30 years old, and everybody around you is advancing in their lives. They've been to school, they've got careers, changed careers, and some are even having families now. My partner is supportive and I am so grateful for this. But he can't understand my problems at all and we've had awful fights about this. I've had to respect that I must fight this on my own but I've no idea how to go forward anymore. (By the way, I have had the help of a psychologist but I was unable to move past my obsession with my looks - my fault not hers.) It's reached a point where, for the first time, I think about death on a daily basis and how I don't want to be a burden. I can't help my partner financially, and what money I've had I've spent on make-up, surgery, etc. I can't stand on my own two feet ... I am like a 15 year old child stuck in a 30 year old woman's body and its an embarrassment. The other day I became so upset that I grabbed a pair of scissors and almost cut my hair off to the scalp because deep down I hate myself that much. It feels pathetic to know that there are people out there with actual physical disabilities and they fight forward. Meanwhile, I'm trapped mentally and it's for such a superficial reason. The core issue lies with my obsession with my appearance. The full on make-up is essentially a mask and I don't want to wear it anymore But I am so absolutely terrified of even wearing a little less - what if my boyfriend thinks differently of me? What if people treat me badly again? I truly don't know what to do... I want to go back to my natural care-free self and feel "normal". Right now I'm at the tipping point and I'm scared that I'm going to snap I'd appreciate any advice and so sorry again for such a long post! Thank you in advance