bejapuskas

@Average Investor I am sorry you went through that. Estabilishing good expectations and boundaries is crucial here. Slavoj Žižek said this well, wisdom is bullshit. On one side, you have "theres no such thing as a perfect person" and on the other side theres "listen to what you want". Both can be wisdom but can also be wrong in different situations. (Such as when you are stuck with someone or when you are addicted to drugs and you just wanna take them.) I think you pretty much realized it, you gotta act faster. My parents told me this thing "if you dont forgive, its only you who is hurting", which was helpful to me at one point, because I was stuck in the past blaming certain people. But it can really be self destructive to keep forgiving.

@Realms of Wonder Obviously I was really influenced by the RedPill perspective even my father kind of supports and talks about. He always talked to me how its not about pleasure but rather about reproduction, how men just always enjoy it... (I later questioned my gender and idk if I am a man, but that doesnt change anything here, I think I used to be a man, or at least socialized that way, so I can bring some Insight here) I guess as a virgin I didnt understand the significance of how much this and also peer pressure to lose virginity affected me. One day I met a friend who happens to be asexual sex repulsed, and he made me question this stuff, like in his view, sex wasnt this inherently good thing, and when I talked to him and could see the world through his perspective, I could then look back and realized what I was settling for just wasnt good. I had this endurism mindset, opposite of escapism, where I just kept blaming myself for not enjoying it, either having shame od something else, but I later realized I am actually "quite a whore" and if sb cannot pleasure me, its probably also their fault. Also I tried different things, which was questionably breaking my ex's boundaries, but it made me realize I dont wanna stay in this situation. Males bodies in my opinion arent less compley than female, theyre all similarly complex and people have to learn and be sensitive.

@Average Investor On a different note, I know you are a nice compassionate guy trying to be helpful, which could then lead to what youre saying, feeling bad for not dating them after. But maybe thats not what youre into. I believe you can be a bad boy ethically, by being very clear. (Leo mentioned in his last video how clarity is an important value, connects to integrity etc, I see how it applies here) Actually, I myself dug myself into a hole dating somebody and trying "not to play them" after sleeping with them, which just meant not being able to say no and leave. I guess you are already preventing this issue by just not going into that, which is great, but you could still get what you want by being very open about wanting one time things. Is there maybe something in your family about like unclear communicstion, not saying what you want/need clearly, being gaslighted into putting others first all the time and as a result not achieving what you want? Or perhaps just not being able to say no?

Maybe this is like something different than you are expecting, but I also was in an abusive relationship that I left and experienced some resistance. I then started a queerplatonic relationship with a friend who is aromantic asexual. It is something between friendship and romance, like we define what we wanna do, what we are comfortable with, and we are also open, so we can do anything else we want. For example, we cuddle platonically before sleep but we dont have sex as we both dont feel like having sex. This can be really different on case to čase basis. In summary, I realized there were certain things I wasnt ready for in a romantic/sexual relationship, I dont mean to fetishize aromantic asexual people here, but my friend really showed me how one can question their expectations in a relationship and uncovered a lot of limiting beliefs that got me into the abusive relationship in the first place. Just to be clear, I dont understand this relationship as some healing service or rebound service, I am just saying that like it was helpful for me in a similar situation to try something new and question what I already knew. (The limiting beliefs I meant were centered around consenting to sex I didnt feel as ok with as I should have, assuming I would enjoy it because of internalized inceldom. But that can obviously be different in you. The good thing is now I am trying like a full relationship without that one thing without feeling limited or uncomfortable. Hope this makes sense.)

In my experience I got caught in peer pressure to have sex and settled for people that I didnt think deserved me and rationalized my discontent to myself as "I am just being selfless", which was really shitty of me. Also consented to things I didnt enjoy because I just thought I should enjoy any kind of sex and just get it done with. Felt really awkward. Only do it if you really feelin it.

If travelling is an egoic attachment, what isnt? From what you said, it seems like you used travel to grow as a person, which should be really valuable in life and what you do with it. Are you saying it is egoic because you cannot do it with family around?

@JoeVolcano So radical. People always talk about this balance in the world, how people have to balance out the radical left and all, as if the real world was another Star Wars movie. But at least in Star Wars, the evil Sith lord only had one padawan at a time, whereas Peterson has so many red-pilled padawans and they are reproducing too, so this Star Wars balance metaphor does not work here, plus why balance out something that is lacking? He literally compared the left to North Korea bro he is out of his mind. @Salvijus He actually is close minded. He literally almost died and got better for a bit but then later got worse again. There is no going back for him I guess, unless he dies and goes back to life in three days like the mythical archetype of white Jesus he is. @BenG Cleaning your room is too feminine. If he did that, he would be betraying the power of the phallus and Big Dick Energy. @Yarco Thats what we need yeh. @JoeVolcano Its all fun and games until the powerful cop or a hateful gangster calls you *it* and dehumanizes you out of existence.

@eTorro I heard from experienced writers that reading makes a LOT of difference, so yes. Multiple friends told me this independent of each other, so there probably is something about reading. Maybe you can make a journal and when you read, write down or take a photo of things that inspire you or that you want to recreate and write about them. Brainstorm ideas, maybe your ADHD will help you here. I also second the simplistic, less pretentious and more relatable kind of writing being good in its own way. People need different styles of writers here. But if you think this is you, then use the dictionary of synonyms online and practice with that, find words you could replace, search them up and see. My brother used this to win a writing compeition lmao.

@Etherial Cat Exactly, I am aware I am different from you all and we have different experiences. I just dont want to be invalidated and reminded of different painful experiences like this. For me, this is the expression of my true self. If I go to a males shop for clothes, I will literally cry because I dont like anything there usually. I dont need you to understand what exactly I am, I also dont understand what exactly I am, it is hard. Just respect that I and others have gone through some pain related to this and they dont wanna be denied that and invalidated. We dont need anyone to be attracted to us if they dont like our genitalia, as long as they respect us as people.

@Carl-Richard I have not banned anyone. Usually other people here are more stricter, I just give points unless somebody is a spammer. I dont think I am unreasonably judgemental. If I called you all the wrong pronouns and gave you advice that does not apply to your gender, you would lose your shit really quickly. That happens to me everyday, just imagine that. You gotta go out in clothes youre uncomfortable wearing or you get beaten. Like guys wearing pink shirt and colorful skirt and makeup. Imagine what that would be like. Why are you undermining that so much for the sake of being right? I dont even think you are right. Alright, thats a good observation there. We dont even know what transphobia is here. And I dont even think many of you can imagine what it is like to be trans. I can see how thats a big obstacle and I am sorry I assumed you know. Defining it as something that makes trans people potentially uncomfortable is really broad and subjective. What if we just mention that our gender is really personal and whatever ideas we have are specific to us, without claiming any objective universal truths? I have no problem if you identify with your biology. Just dont shove it down my throat. (Some people think trans people are shoving stuff, when its actually the other way around often times) Imagine I called you madam instead of sir and then got surprised why you react confused. if this kept happening to you all the time, if you had to explain yourself, usually against a majority that disagrees with you, you would lose patience with constantly explaining. Just dont deny any experiences, unless theyre dangerous, and be mindful that what you think may only apply to you and nobody else. If I created a thread saying that cis men are not men because they just assumed they are men because society told them they are and they did not find an authentic way into their manhood, unlike trans men, how would that feel? I dont think Its any different, but maybe you have some comments on that? I think if anyone thinks its any different, they are having a double standard there. If they claim also that all genders are equal. I think points should be given. Or at least I will be giving them. I dont see how transphobia is any more understandable or more justifiable than racism or islamophobia for example. Or slut shaming, victim blaming, homophobia, aphobia (fear of asexuals), etc. I simply get a lot of hate in my life from my parents, friends, teachers etc. It is draining for me and I dont have the energy to explain things to strangers. I can put links to explanations into my bio that people can research, if they care. If they dont care about being accepting, they cannot be on this forum, because I am not willing to sacrifice creating a safe space here for myself and others. I am not trying to change the whole world here. Ofc not. Some people think they are showing me a way out here. They are not, I am aware that I have to toughen up, but then this is just one online space that should be liberal according to its guidelines, therefore I feel like I can enforce these guidelines, if somebody calls me mentally ill, invalid, dangerous, deviant impure or whatever. Or who is closeminded and unable to reflect. I think it is worth it to fight for a more diverse and accepting actualized.org forum, for Gods sake, we preach love and nonduality and truth here. I am seeking truth about myself every day by having this experience. This is not some impossible goal, theres like just a couple of you guys, if you all stop denying my validity, if you just let me live my life and stop trying to impose your views down my throat, I will be chill, its not hard.

@JoeVolcano @BenG @Razard86@Carl-Richard @Etherial Cat I think most people here are just trying to be right at this point. I really seriously hate how much some people here prioritize being right even if they see their half assed pursuit is causing somebody to get trauma trigger. You are disgusting. Thank you to those who are actually being considerate and nuanced. I guess for some people bio essentalism works, because they just identify with it and their bio body is important to them. I am willing to accept people who accept bio essentalism as their personal philosophy of how they identify that they are not trying to impose on others, because thats totally fine. Identifying with body is fine, just be considerate and not be transphobic. Even the mods here highkey suck at being immature and not being able to admit their fault at saying hurtful shit. As Etherial Cat said, you cannot hold bio essentalism as sacred and also see trans as valid. So stop, its transphobic, not welcome here.

@JoeVolcano Thats easy to say when you dont get hate crime for wearing what you want, called wrong pronouns and names, assumed about so much, considered a threat, not automatically accepted by family, bullied for who you are etc. Dont minimize peoples experiences. You dont even know how long theyve been questioning and how long theyve had to "grow out". Id rather have the entire cisgender community grow out of selfishness and entitlement though. You already receive more life every day, because all these things dont apply to you, not even mentioning rape and suicide statistics. There are millions of trans people in the world, its not just some petty personal cause, and they dont receive the love that you do in so many areas of life. Your life can still be difficult in other ways, but dont forget that trans people also have lives and they have the discrimination plus all the other challenges. That is what drives so many to kill themselves. If you see that as something that should be overlooked for your own comfort of not having to respect people, if you see people as radical for wanting equal rights, then thats pretty damn disgusting.

@JoeVolcano What do you even mean by things getting done? Doesnt achieving more loving accepting society where trans people dont get raped 7x more etc. count as things getting done? Do you think world should just remain stuck in this place that serves the privileged? Also like sports, I already said this somewhere, but if you care about fairness, dont look at gender, just look at performance, speed, resilience... If you still think gender is a factor here idk what to tell you. Should Magnus Carlsen compete with a beginner chess player just bcz theyre both male? Even within genders you have inadequacies.

@BenG @Razard86 I guess I just hate when people try to be right when it just undermines somebody elses sense of self and makes them have a trauma response and they keep pushing even then. When their perspective is not even hundred percent right. There are for example so many women who even a transphobe would consider women who are after menopause or they have a disorder etc. who cannot have kids. Sorry for tagging random names I can't delete them for some reason, mods delete them for me if you can thank you.

@Razard86 Alright, if I am just a mirror, then I think all people here are actually just trans and they were born that way. They get confused by biological body, but actually their gender is just their mind. So they remain stuck there. People get confused by all sorts of things, including the body. And everyone here is also gay, heterosexuality is actually just a construct. And it is purely societal pressure.

@Thought Art Transphobia is literally banned here. You cannot support it on this forum, although as you see, even certain moderators here do. I advocated for cis women's safety here so much. When somebody said something incelish etc., I really put a lot of effort into this, I think I made the correct choice. I think this forum should be moving in a direction when it accepts more accepting opinions. I don't think all opinions are equally good and should be accepted. I face discrimination on this forum like every time I speak, because I call people out. It's no fun, but I keep doing it. But I guess if you guys don't like me here, because of your close mindedness, maybe I will just leave and spend my time doing something better that makes more sense.

Trans women do not mind being called actual women, they are just called that I guess not to nullify the fact that they face different discrimination. But please call them women, girls, no need to add trans. It doesn't matter if you wanna date or fuck them, or if you think they pass. You I assume have the privilege that people do not tell you that your gender is invalid and build the whole infrastructure in a way to make your life more miserable. It is quite typical of people who are already privileged to say "my mind will never change, it is up to the oppressed to submit and keep licking my feet". That is devilry and close mindedness on your side. You bend over for once and change your mind and try to understand and empathize. Don't say things like "no amount of effort will make any difference". And don't say you are not transphobic after saying all this, because you are. And I am really disgusted by this. I am not giving these people points because I guess when it comes to bathrooms, prisons etc. people have traumas. I also have sexual harrassment trauma, grooming trauma, a lot of stuff where people crossed my boundaries, cis men and cis women both. Trans people too I guess, maybe, I don't remember now. I don't wanna make them feel bad and give them warning for something that could potentially be a big trigger for them. I respect that people could have this.

I agree with this @Carl-Richard , except one small thing. I think that anyone who says they are women, they don't even need to be feminine, they can be masculine trans woman wearing jeans and shirt, I don't care, I don't know their inner state and their personal context, it is not my business to tell them who they are. Only you can know who you are. The thing with sports is one thing that usually divides people, and that is also why trans exclusionary "feminists" exist. I agree that unfairness sucks, but as Benton correctly pointed out, even within the same gender, there is inequality. My friend is European champion in rowing, his genetics are insane. He also works a lot, but it is just so obvious he will win almost any rowing race from the start, just like it is with trans women competing against cis women. (Btw how do you even know all of them are cis women, some of them could be trans men in the closet or non-binary, another assumption you are making) Why not just measure people's strength and make it actually fair? If the whole world cares so much about fairness, then do not look at gender, look at the person's performance, that is what actually matters. However, the world does not care about this.

The fascist definition. I don't wanna say that trans women are affected by abortion ban as much as cis women. But trans guys definitely are affected by it a lot, plus they get raped way more often. I am not even mad at the other side it is just discrimination though. I am thinking about leaving this forum, it is not good for my mental.

@Roy I am just holding back actually, I would like to give them all points, I think what they both said is horrible, I just... Feel like I don't know when I can and cannot justify my rights here you know? It is hard. I can give him points. Actually not even Christopher, what he says is kinda fine, because people should be able to define preferences, but ZenAlex, Yarco and Bobby_2021 feels transphobic to me.

So that cisgender men can oppress them, right

I hid Arcangelo's post and have him 4 points for transphobia. Reminder, transphobia is not welcome here. Focus on the original post, not undermining it with your limiting assumptions.

@Christoph Werner I don't know how many trans people care that trans exclusionary people are not attracted to them. They also do not like them back for that. I don't want politics to be centered around super straight people's instincts. There is nothing wrong about not liking someone for some genitalia preference, but I guess then the people gotta question their sexuality, not invalidate others' identities. They have to turn themselves queer.

@Aaron p Isn't it kind of obvious what comes first? Imagine you are a trans guy who dresses like a guy, but still menstruates. You get kicked out of female bathroom, because you look like a creep going there, so you go to the male bathroom. Suddenly you realize you are bleeding, but there is no bin there, because society assumes people who to those bathrooms don't need to change their pads. Now you are stuck in some place you fear you do not rightfully belong to with dirty ass pants. Do you think it is so easy to be mentally healthy, if society forces you into situations like this every day by building everything around some assumptions and dualities? Actually, it is really stupid to think that LGBTQIA+ people are perverted. If you are not homophobic or transphobic or whatever, think about what you say instead of saying it and then justifying yourself. Also maybe straight people are perverted too, but because they are too weak to admit certain truths about themselves, they just scapegoat the gays. I think queer people are people with extraordinary commitment to finding the truth about who they are, something this forum should be about. About incest, I mean there are so many instances in which is definitely is not right, like when the age difference is too much for the younger person to be able to determine whether they want something. But I guess the biggest point of divide here is when it comes to kids, because the kids that come from incest are basically doomed to have some sort of disabilities. But then, how are they different from other people with disabilities, are their disabilities different? Is for example having a child with your sibling and knowing it is going to have a disability when it is born any different from having it with a stranger and then knowing it after the doctor tells you and still delivering it? That's what I sometimes think about.

I agree with what was said before, I think she sounds good and could be worked on, if you find her hot and she is nice like that too and works on herself. Check this out perhaps, it is a really eye opening video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8ft0PHdVlU&ab_channel=HealthyGamerGG