disconnected

I have no idea how to journal or what to start writing here...should I write like I'm writing for myself? For other readers?? No idea..so I'll just put whatever I feel/experience into words as best I can. The purpose of this journal is to help me get stuff off my mind/soul...but I kind of feel happy about sharing my personal, deep experiences with people on this forum...somehow I feel that the majority of us are here for relatively the same reasons, so if you're reading this, I appreciate you and the journey you're on As I said...no idea how to journal so I'll just list random stuff below that might not be relevant but heck..who cares. My background: Country: Romania Age: 26 (27 in March) Sex: Male Addictions: Cigarettes, Porn Other vices (casual to rare use): Mary Jane, boosters (only at parties), alcohol (rarely) Fears: fear of loneliness, fear of being publicly humiliated, fear of not satisfying a girl sexually, fear of not being liked by people I like, fear of confrontation (only fighting and only if the guy is much bigger and also angry) I'll update this section whenever something comes to mind. The reason why I joined this forum back in August was that I had just broken up with my ex (of 5 and a half years) about 2 months prior to that. The pain was immense and I felt a rollercoaster of emotions...from hatred, to sorrow, to pitty and self-doubt, but whenever I get into a situation that is unpleasant, I start looking for solutions to get out of it, and this led me to Leo's videos (among others) and after watching a few videos, I joined the forum...so here I am. Along with the reason for joining...there's a reason for me coming back now. Throughout these past few months I've been in a constant battle with my inner self. After watching A LOT of videos on YouTube, I've started to understand what I'm going through, what caused the breakup (at least part of the things...or my side of the faults), what flaws I've had in my behavior and what I can do to correct them. Most of all, I did not let go of this ambition of reaching the best version of myself, so right now I'm on the journey of doing just that. I've realized that throughout these years of relationship, even though I've advanced professionally, I haven't improved myself on a personal level that much. Or at least not in the direction that I would now want to go in. I grew up without a father by my side, as he left the country when I was 5, and went to the U.S. to work, and stayed there until I was about 18 years old. My parents got divorced when I was 7, and although my father would still call on a regular basis and we kept in touch, it wasn't the same thing as growing up with a father figure by my side. This has definitely affected me and the man I am today. He's back in country now (in a different city with his new wife) and we get along well. We talk on the phone on a somewhat regular basis and we have a good connection when we do. My mom is the most loving and kind person I know. She raised me as best she could, alone, with a salary that wasn't even close to what I would now consider decent. I always had food on the table, I always had clothes on my back..sure they weren't fancy...but she did ALL she could to make sure that I'm not lacking anything. I love my mom and one of my goals is to be able to provide for her one day, and make sure that she's not lacking absolutely anything, and that most of all, she's happy. My current status (and path towards it): When I was about 16 years old, I started getting into graphic design...a little photoshop here and there..and I've gotten the hang of it. I didn't like going to school, so I actually wanted to do something else that would not require me to study or go to school. I was also procrastinating A LOT, which I later realized was a huge waste of time. When I was about 20 years old, I met the girl that was to become my girlfriend for 5+ years. I adored her and I loved her with all my heart. She is from the same city as me, and we started talking at the beginning of the summer, through Facebook. I actually had another girlfriend (of about 4 years) at the time, however, the relationship was really not what it should've been (due to us being kids and not knowing better...she was and still is an amazing girl). We didn't actually meet until September, when I asked her out, although I think we fell in love before even meeting. 2 weeks after we met, she was getting ready to move to another city (about 400km away) for university (1st year)..and I felt like I couldn't lose her. So I actually had some friends going to the same city for university...and decided to visit "them" but also see her. So I did. I actually did this quite a few times, and after a while, I started looking for a job in this city. I tried my luck at a few jobs, and for all except one (fuck that dude haha, he was an asshole), I actually performed extremely well. After about a year and a half in this new city, I joined a corporate IT company in the QA department (entry level didn't need experience), and throughout the years I've reached the Project Manager position and coordinated teams of 13 to 24 people. Now...throughout these years, we've had a lot of ups and downs...like...A LOT...however, I think that besides the fact that we loved each-other...a major role in us remaining together was the fact that we lived together. At one point, after about a year and a half of university, she dropped out and got a job. This wasn't necessary, but it was her choice (her parents still don't know). She worked multiple jobs, and is now a hairstylist at a high-end, well known salon. 7 months after being promoted to Project Manager, I've decided to go to another company. I was very valued at my previous company, I learned A LOT and I also had my first mentor there. He was my boss and he was very demanding, but my first promotion was in his team, and I got motivated by him, and reached the same position he was in. So after about 3 and a half years in this company, he was my colleague, not my superior <3 and this felt amazing. We are now friends and we go for coffee every now and then. He changed companies as well after I left, and has proposed to me to join the company he's in. I'm currently pondering on that. The company I now work in offers QA services to clients. I actually work with Facebook now...yes...THE Facebook. We also have other clients...and one of them is Oath (owns Yahoo, etc, etc) and this client will be handed to me at the end of this month (yaay!). My goals: -Be emotionally centered and strong. -Develop a strong character -Improve my relationships and the quality of people I hang with -Improve my mindsets and behavior -Improve physically (I'm fit but skinny, I want to bulk) -Be mindful of everything I do

Keep it going my dude. I'm also struggling with getting rid of porn addiction and masturbation addiction. I'm sure you know but you're not alone in this, however, you're one of the few that is aware that it's a problem, and is actually taking steps to solve it. I wish you to be strong and remember that you're doing this for your own well being.

@alea The thing goes as follows: at the beginning I was an alpha..I courted her, dated her properly. I was always the one to state when we go out and do things, but she was always pretty anti-social so she had struggles adapting to new people and environments and socializing. As the years went by I started adapting to her way of being, but only by the fact that I didn't push her to go out as much. So we started falling into this routine where we would both just work and spend time at home and smoke weed. Right now I really feel like I want to meet up with her and set it straight that I don’t want to spend anymore time in friendship-like hangouts...it’s not working for me and these mixed signals are killing me (I wouldn’t say this to her but it’s how I feel). I texted her today asking “what’s up” and to tell her that I won’t be able to pick-up the dog on Monday (it should be the pick-up day) as I’ll be out of town. She replied immediately telling me she’s at work and asked what I’m up to..told her that I’m at work and I let her know about the dog. She said that it’s fine and that was it. I keep talking to her from a scarcity mindset but I do want to set the record straight and tell her that I’m done with that bullcrap. Should I ask her to meet-up if I reached out first about the dog? Or should I let her reach out again until I do ask her to meet-up? Also, I'm glad to hear about your experience with the psychologist. I really do hope all goes well and that it helps you. I'm thinking about going to a psychologist as well but I had a negative experience with one in the past and I don't know if I want to invest in it.

@floresflowerscgfit is the second. She came over after the 1st month and a half and we talked about getting back together and she said that she would be afraid of losing her new found freedom and that she is afraid of commitment again. The discussion was longer but this is the main highlight. I am not reaching out because I don't know what vibe to put out there...I would just want to talk to her and be honest...tell her that I want to make it work and make things right...but after all I've read and watched on YouTube this is the wrong way to go because it will scare her away. After her decision to end the relationship she actually went and spent time with another dude so at the same time I don't want to reach out as I feel like that would make it seem like I do not have any self-respect and value.

@@DrewNows I have no idea if I should continue 'pursuing' this. I feel like if I keep inviting her over and it ain't going anywhere I just come across as weak. I would also appreciate other opinions as well...just to see as many perspectives as possible.

Thank you for your quick and on point replies. @DrewNows I totally agree with your way of going at it. This is basically what I was planning to do. There is one thing that I couldn't find in any of Corey's videos, and that is: when is it OK for the dumpee to start reaching out after the dumper has initiated contact on multiple occasions? I know that Corey says that you should never initiate after being dumped but for how long..I'm assuming it's not a lifetime thing. At this point I think I should be able to reach out but at the same time I don't want to lose momentum on this NC thing I've been on. @floresflowerscgf Thank you for your reply. I feel like your approach is also good and I would be on-board with it, but I wouldn't discuss something like this over the phone. I would call her and have her come to my place for a face to face talk. Also, considering that we've been at it before and she turned me down, I am pretty hesitant when it comes to contacting her. I want to give her the freedom to come at her own pace (although only if we are moving towards something of a romantic nature and nothing else). Any further thoughts are appreciated. @alea I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I think that you are taking the right action by seeing experts about your issues. I hope you will achieve what you want. Let us know how it goes..share your progress.

Hello everyone, About 4 months ago I went through a break-up with my ex (of 5 and a half years). Ever since, I've been going through all the YouTube videos I could find on 'getting your ex back' and I've mainly focused on coach Corey Wayne's advice, but have also leaned towards other channels and I've been basically taking everything with a grain of salt. What I've learned throughout these past few months is that I've been doing a lot of mistakes throughout my relationship (won't go into details but I've been needy, unreliable at times and very complacent). I do understand why everything went south and I also understand what I could've done better. Along with all this, I've learned to stop beating myself up because if this wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have gotten to the point where I realize all my mistakes and what a beta I've been. All this has motivated me to further improve myself (going to the gym now consistently for several months, I dress well..although I also did before, I'm focusing on myself and on work). I'm not yet at the point where I feel comfortable dating other women, but I do enjoy flirting with them and I do have pretty decent communication skills (always have). Now, going past the intro part. My ex and I have a dog that we bought together and we exchange his stinky ass (love him) every 2 weeks. We actually had an arrangement to have her flatmate (after she moved out she moved in with her female friend and her boyfriend) make the dog exchange as he works near where I live and it wouldn't be much bother for him to bring/take him whenever needed. When we broke up, I went pretty cold on her but I didn't beg, plead or cry. After about a month she wanted to talk (we had minimum contact during this period) and she said she's unsure and asked me if I would give it another go. I said I'll think about it. I then told her that I would be up for rekindling out relationship but I that we would have to work on it (this was before all the youtube material...I made some mistakes here as well). She said that she's just not feeling ready to go back at it yet. I told her to give me a call if she changes her mind. Throughout the following 3 months she reached out several times, we even got together and hung out although not much came of it. I kissed her at the end of 2 of our hang-outs but she wasn't very into it. So...I've pretty much fast forwarded through all the events leading up to the most recent one which was this past week: she came over on Monday to pick up the dog (because the dude wasn't able to) and we talked for a bit (I left her the key to the apartment in a secret place because I was at work and wouldn't have been at home when she came...but she texted me that she'll wait for me and she actually folded the clothes I left out to dry). We talked for a bit and then she left (we hugged at the end but just as a pleasantry. I didn't show any signs of wanting to hang or anything). The next day she texted me a photo of something that she knew I liked and we used to enjoy together. I replied briefly and afterwards I asked when she's free to get together and make dinner. She said that tomorrow and that was it. Now this is where it gets confusing af. She texted me like 5 minutes before the time she should've arrived at my place telling me that she fell asleep and that she wouldn't be able to stay long if she comes over because she has to get up early in the morning, but if it's alright with me she can spend the night..and I was like "yeah, sure..bring some snakcs". She came over, we watched some comedy stuff on TV and when we were laying on the couch she started making contact (e.g: stretching her leg on my lap and so on). I proceeded to touch her on her legs and just rest my arm on her. Later on...I went for a kiss and she was very hesitant. She was ready to fall asleep on the couch, I layed next to her and she was just kinda going to sleep. I then got up, told her that I'm feeling too warm and I'm gonna go in the bedroom but that she knows where to find me if she needs me. I fell asleep and woke up to her next to my bed waking me up because my alarm clock was going off. I stopped the alarm clock and she then layed next to me and cuddled on my chest. I held her for about 10 minutes and then I got up to make coffee. Woke her up, we went through a quick morning routine and then when she had to leave she went for a hug and left. Now...there are still things I'm not doing 100% well...and I am very aware of the fact that her attraction might be very low but bruh...I just can't get it. To me it seems like she's holding on to me due to her uncertainty and due to the fact that she doesn't want to lose me completely so she's just trying to get me re-interested in her whenever she feels like I"m not interested. I haven't reached out to her since 3 days ago (or any other time for that matter) but at this point I just got sick of all this back&forth and I can't go further like this. Forgot to mention that she also left some of her stuff at my place. At this point I'm thinking that next time we get together (for whatever reason) to tell her that "yo..look...I enjoy hanging out together, but not as friends. It's something that I'm not interested in and I don't want to invest any energy into this. If you feel the same way too, we can continue hanging out and see where it goes, if not, it's fine with me, you can give me a call if you ever change your mind, but I'm out so I would want for us to both go our separate ways." Really sorry for the wall of text so here are the cliffs: -broke up 4 months ago -still got together from time to time when she reached out -haven't had sex and she is avoiding kissing -a few days ago we got together and she slept at my place (her idea) but we didn't do anything -in the morning she came to my bed and cuddled up on my chest -she left and we haven't spoken in 3 days (she's out with work to another city) -planning on telling her to get on the 'party bus' or gtfo (in a polite manner) I would really appreciate your kind opinions as to what I should do, and what you make of her behavior. Thanks in advance!