Reclaimer

I also daily tell myself that I'm independent of the good or bad opinions of others, but I always think what people think about me and cringe at all the embarrassing things I've done in the past. I feel like everyone is judging me all the damn time

Yeah I have been noticing a similar shift in my life I have been blaming them for the past 5 years but starting to forgive them based off the fact that my mom was raised in a similar situation and my dad was raised in a different kind of hell but a hell none the less. Plus blaming others does no real good. I'm starting to take ownership of my life. It's about damn time. Its very unfortunate the way we hideaway the way we do. So much fear. So much pain. So much suffering. I want to "wake up" so bad. I've been meditating for 2 years. I've taken hallucinogins. I journal. Ive had experiences that give me a taste of what it's like to be totally free. J feel like I'm doing the right things but I can't shake the feeling of judgment toward myself. I'm not sure I know how to focus on my guilt, but at this point I'm willing to do whatever it takes to finally be free

This morning I am thinking about how frustrating it is to be a people pleaser. My mom told me I was and that fucking pisses me off I don’t know if it pissses me that she's right or that it's because she thinks I am one because I've decided to live life differently from them I have never been interested in living life on their terms but because they isolated me from an early age I did not have much of a choice, or did i? I could have questioned things. I realized I could have, but I chose not to. Perhaps because it was the easiest option at the time. Well I don’t want to choose the easiest option anymore. I don’t want to be a pawn of my parents anymore. They can no longer determine what is best for me. I am discovering for myself what is best for me. I am already anticipating my dad saying things like "have you been partying?" and "have you been drinking?" We have different life philosophies in that he things that if you do something once then you can't take it back, which is true. But instead of that keeping me from doing things it empowers me to try everything and learn from it, whether it was a mistake or not. For example, last night I talked to a guy and probably opened up way too much to him. But then again he opened up to me. I told him that I was at one point suicidal and that I think that I am developmentally behind. These things are both true, but did it warrant sharing with another man on the same night I met him? Probably not. Then again we did experience a connection. I am somehow very good at connecting with people. Like it happens all the time that people will say that they haven not experienced that kind of connection very often with people. Ultimately I just want to make choices not based on what others want for me but for what I want for myself. Is that possible? I just feel shitty about myself for not knowing what I want. Or do i. maybe I am pursing what I want and that's why relationships I have are so weird. I just hate how religion makes you feel guilty about everything. I can't shake the guilt. I am embarrassed about my background. I feel as though im not able to move from it. But I want to so bad. Why do I feel like I am developmentally behind my peers? Living in china was hard. My first summer there was like a whirl wind. Jeez. Looking back my life has been well embarrassing. I was such a kid. I can't believe it. Fuck. I am embarrassed just thinking about the way I used to act. I don't know if I'll ever get over that shit. But why not? I already learned that I can and that I will and that I am. My parents raised me to be sweet, unquestioning lamb who does what he's told without questioning. But guess what? I am questioning everything. I am fucking stronger than I or anyone else realizes. I have been to hell and back. I have experienced loss, depression, anxiety, despair. I have been in relationships with men and women. I have been engaged. I have traveled the world. I have lived in several different countries, multiple cities. I have traveled to nearly 20 countries. But have I discovered who I am through this entire process? Maybe somewhat. But why do I feel like I am still being controlled? Is who I am this brain that feels so messy, so neurotic? Or am I more than that? I feel so stuck within the prison of my own mind and I want out. But how? Do I fight it? Also what's wrong with being me? I just feel pretty immature. I don't know how to act older for my age. How old do I act actually? And what's keeping me from acting my age? Lack of experience? I have had many different experiences. I should by now be able to think, talk and act like my age. But my mother. She has influenced me tremendously, for she fucking raised me by herself. Was my dad involved? Not very. Not emotionally. He was there, kind of, when he wasn't at work or doing his mission work…. He was always focused on his mission which is sharing the Gospel blah blah blah. How do I educate myself better? I don’t want to be one of those dumb religious people. I really want to branch out in order to free myself and be who I am. I don’t want to feel guilty for doing what I want. I hate it sooo much that my mom freaked out at me for drinking. Guess what? That's going to happen again and again. Ive hurt many people to get to where I am. And I guess I'm ok with that. I had to leave the nest of my mom and dad which had me believing in a very small and simple minded god that plans on destroying the world after rapturing his select few. I have gotten close with many people since and left them. E, J, S, K, D, K, G. Now I'm with T, but that already feels like it's waning, and it's only been a few weeks since we met. Why do I do this to myself and others? What am I looking for? What am I running away from? Intimacy? Connection? Do I feel like I don't deserve it? Deserve being in a relationship with someone. I disconnect once they see my flaws. I am ashamed. I move on. Is that it? I am ashamed. I am ashamed. I don't like myself. How can I expect someone else to love me? I am embarrassed to open up. Ive locked myself inside. Fuck. Right now, why am I distancing myself from T? I feel like he gave me what I needed. Some support, understanding. And then I walk away. Into my hole. Alone. I am used to this feeling. Ive isolated myself for all my life because of fear. Fear that someone would take away my faith that ive been holding onto. I need someone to take it away from me. I need someone who will help me open my mind and keep it open. Can't I just do this by myself? I need help, and I'm finally willing to admit it. I don't know if I can go on this path alone

Here's a red flag about my guide that I wanted to hear what others have to say: During our first session while I was extremely high, i started getting really paranoid that he was trying to convince me to leave my faith. Here I thought I had gotten rid of most of my Christian beliefs, but it became evident that I still have a lot to work through. When I looked at him, it looked like the white parts of his eyes started turning black. Not necessarily in a demonic way. I think it was actually because it was already dark outside and the weed made my sight very hazy. Still, this freaked me out, and I remember shielding my eyes with my hands. To make matters worse, he told me this was an early sign of schizophrenia. I really freaked out and started internalizing the fact that I was probably schizophrenic. I was already thinking about how I was going to go the rest of my life with such a serious mental illness. It wasnt until the day after that I messaged him and brought up the 'early sign of schizophrenia' that I had experienced the night before. He told me not to worry, that it was only a symptom and didnt necessarily mean that i would develop schizophrenia. He did say though that if i had stayed in the religion for longer then having a mental illness like this would have been more probable. Even though i feel like i learned a lot about myself from our first session, this little ordeal makes me seriously question his wisdom and maturity. I understand tough love, but making a patient unnecessarily worry seems a bit much, even if it wasnt on purpose. Thankfully, I think this night was a very important initial step on my journey toward enlightenment, however I'm wondering if this guide is going to be someone whos going to push me in the right direction or possibly cause harm.

I grew up in the Southern US very much bought into the conservative Christian dogma that my parents and community members proclaimed. It wasnt until I started living in a different country at the age of 19 that I started questioning things, and that's what led me to Leo's videos. I'm 24 now and just moved to the Western US. I also found a guide to start Psychedelic Assisted Therapy and had my first break-through experience. First off, i found my guide through a guy's post on reddit. Id never met this guy or known anything about him before. I know this might seem sketch, but I was not willing to go to a conventional therapist to get on drugs that would merely numb the problem vs. allowing me to go to the root cause of it. Well, our first session happened on Tuesday, July 10th, and instead of going straight into MDMA, we decided to start me off with a high dose of weed. For about two hours, the weed made me extremeley vulnerable. The first thing I became very aware of was my mortality. I realized how small I am in the vast cosmos. Then I started thinking and telling my therapist all of my family history, how and why my parents were so sold into religion, how I've been afraid of hell for most of my life, and all kinds of othee traumas and fears came to center focus. Eventually I started having other realizations. I saw how there's really no reason to be afraid of death, and I experienced life and death as natural and calm as an inhale and an exhale. A creepy thing was when I began to experience a more subtle experience of consciousness that I can not really explain, my therapist understood where i was at and said "this is what is real. Everything that is happening isn't." Because of that comment and the overall experience, I was left feeling ungrounded for a few days after that. Now that a week has past, I feel that I'm a bit more at equinimity, but i definitely see what we think of as reality as merely a collective agreement. Reality feels a whole lot more fragile than before. I'm also left with some dispair because I see now how many problems and issues I have, and humanity has at large. However, my therapist tells me not to attach myself so much to these emotions. This first post has been very quickly written because I should be focusing on my work, but there's so much going on right now that its difficult to be interested in the humdrum of my current job. I will try to input some more thoughtful entries in the future, but for now i just wanted to get this out there.