I want to talk about my problem. First of all I want to tell about myself. I am 17 y.o. girl and I live with my family.
I'm interested in psychology, spirituality, personal development. I'm trying to be real with people and with myself. I feel myself terrible.
I decided to take a gap year before college and it was a bad decision. But I've been going to the gym every day. I felt pretty good here, but something went wrong. I "fell in love"with fitness instructor and she is a woman. It's happened to me in before. I had emotional attachment to teachers in my school. I had depression and anxiety because of it.
Now I realize that I have emotional attachment to my fitness instructor because of childhood trauma. When I was a child I had selective mutism +problems with health. I was unable to communicate with my classmates and teachers. I was able to communicate only with my family. I was very shy and my classmates never understood me. I was bullied. Kids hated and judged me. I was very lonely and isolated. Also I never had good relations with my mother and grandma. My father never lived with and he doesn't care about me.
Now I feel that I don't have a reason to wake up. My life is absolutely empty and I am tired of this. I can't go to the gym anymore, because my family can't afford it, but I don't have money and unable to work. But I am very attached to this place and to person in this place. I always have obsessive thoughts about this woman and I always want to see her. I am not interested in life,because I feel powerless.
I am very lonely. I don't have friends and can't normally communicate with people. I am lying in my bed all day . I have internet addiction and eating disorder. I eat to much and I can't stop it. I am tired of all coping mechanisms. I feel like I am absolutely depended on my family. I feel like I am depended emotionaly on woman from the gym. I tried to find a hobby, to find some friends,to meditate, but it led my to pain and dissapointment. I don't want to live life like this. But maybe I deserve to live such a miserable life. I don't know, I just can't handle this shit anymore.Sorry for my english.