I was thinking about posting at this forum for a long time and finally I'm doing it. I have a few problems in my life that I have been struggling with and I wanted to hear some advice. But I waited for so long that those problems, despite the fact I still have them, are no longer that important to me. I think I'm on a best way to deal with them but not in a way that I could ever expect to happen.
I have been watching Actualized for a few years. Less than 2 years ago I have started meditate and I was quite happy with the results I got. I was more and more interested with enlightment-related topics. Finally I have decided to try LSD and see what happens. I will describe my second trip, since the first one is not related to the questions I have.
At first I was happy, laughing with no reason. I had such a need of a hug, that I wrapped myself with a duvet so tightly, as if I wanted to merge into one with it and everything that surrounds me. If there was anyone else besides me in the apartament, I could strangle him with a hug. That was nice but felt more like just having fun. It didn't take a long time before it stopped. All of a sudden I felt quite normal, except for the visual efect caused by the LSD. I didn't feel present as I was during my first trip. I was angry and disapointed by this but decided to take a walk, so I left home and went ahead.
I was complaining about that in my mind as I was walking. Deeply I wanted this trip to be some sort a guidance for what to look during self-inquire that I have just started few days ago. As I was walking away from my home, I suddenly realized something. I was certaily going somewhere but I didn't know where. I couldn't stop. I couldn't change a direction. I felt like my legs were moving by themself. I accepted that as my trip and was curious what will happen.
After 10 minutes I finally came to a point of being totally amazed by this. I could feel that I would be turning on the pavement long before it actually happened even though I didn't know where I was going. I felt like my whole body was preparing for that turn and that was my only clue of what will happen next. I even felt like I'm automatically stopping before crossing the road and moving head in both directions to see if it is safe to go. I was observing as my head and legs cooperate to get me to the point of destination. After a while I guessed that I was going to my friend, who sold me the LSD.
I wasn't afraid of what was happening. I was actually ashamed that I hadn't noticed it before. It was obvious to me that it was always like that. It felt like walking was never my choice, it was always done for me. Despite the lack of control over the body, it was in line with what I wanted to do. I felt that this agreement between movement and will could create the illusion of control in my everyday life. I could only see this happening for my legs but at that time I was sure it is also happening for the rest of my body and also my thoughts, but I'm not aware of it yet.
When I finally arrived at my friend's house, I was curious what I would do next. I went to the entrance to the building and rang the intercom. All that was done for me automatically. Luckily he wasn't home. Then I realized something. For the last 15 minutes I didn't know where I was going but I felt that I had a destination. When I realized there was no friend at home, I stood still and felt tense, as if my body did'nt know what to do next. After a minute I started to walk again, this time knowing that I don't have a destination. It was even weirder. I walked a bit and sat on the bench. I don't know how long I sat there. I started to worry about not getting up and freezing but eventually I went home.
After returning home I went straight to bed. I was calm but felt empty inside. Suddenly I was struck by the thought that the ego is completely useless and I take credit for the merits it has not done. I started crying and explaining to myself that I didn't know I was useless. I cried that I had good intentions, that I wanted to be helpful and didn't know that I was only disturbing. I cried that I just wanted to be loved and I really tried my best. I cried that I have to die and there is no choice. It was so sad to know right before "death" that I was useless all the time. It lasted several minutes. As I write this, tears came up in my eyes, even though it's been two months since this event.
Then I stopped crying and fell silent again but it wasn't long before I started to cry again. But I didn't say "I" anymore, I started saying "you". I said that "you" were the best ego I could have. I cried that being so small was his best advantage. I cried that "you need to die and you know it". I cried that I am extremely grateful to him, that he brought me to this point and that it would not have been possible without him. That I love him very much but he needs to die. As I was crying, I realized that something was dead but the ego was still present. I even said to my dead ego that I (ego2.0?) would soon die and join him. It was a strange feeling to say goodbye to the deceased myself, knowing that I am still alive but I will die soon and join him and leaving myself (ego3.0?) alive again.
Few days after this incident I started to observe what is happening while walking. One day when I came home after smoking marijuana, I felt the same feeling of automatic walking. Shortly after that I was able to sense it soberly, but it was a weak feeling. Yesterday, when I was coming back from the doctor, I felt it almost identically, as under the influence of LSD. I was even worried because I didn't know where I was going again. I was hoping that I would come home and luckily I did but I was coming back on an unusual route.
Based on these experiences, I came to many conclusions that caused me more confusion than understanding. So my questions are:
1) Can you make a change in your life if are unable to control your actions? I was only aware of walking but I have a sense that its not the only thing that is out of my control.
2) Is there any sense in planning? Before these events I was interested in developing my skills in creating strategies for my life. I felt that it might be interesting to treat life as a strategic game and be a strategist in it. Now I doubt that.
3) Is it possible to create a life purpose or do something meaningfull in life? I have started a life purpose course and I really like it. Now I'm not sure as everything I do is out of my (ego) control. Am I wrong? Should I stop it and wait to see where meditation will lead me to? Eckhart Tolle, Osho and Mooji are saying that there is no purpose of life. I was not enlightened but I feel that there is a truth in their statement, that the only purpose is the life itself. I am actually afraid of this being true as I always wanted to achieve something. I'm a programmer and I wanted to master my profession and create something meaningfull. Now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should read books and continue to learn. I recognize my ego in it but it doesn't make anything easier.
4) Am I exaggerating with my doubts? I'm not even sure if anything that I said has any value. I don't know if all those experiences and conclusions were real or just caused by a drug. I feel like I'm lost but it doesn't feel bad so it makes me doubt that I'm lost. I'm calmer than ever before and quite happy. Sometimes I dont feel anything and my mind is empty. For now I stick to what I planned a few months ago but I don't know what to do next.
5) What question I didn't ask that would help me? I don't know why I'm asking this but it seems relevant to me.
Thanks for reading this, I would appreciate every comment from you. I had a need to finally talk about it. I hope I didn't make too many mistakes, or at least I wrote it in an understandable way. It took me more than 3 hours to finish it.
