Surfingthewave

Traumatic grief Loosing my close friend several years ago changed me in so many ways. The death was sudden, traumatic and no accident. I couldn't deal with it for a couple of years, I was able to cry, but I mainly distracted myself by throwing myself into my work and new marriage. It wasn't until early last year at the start of the pandemic when the grief hit me. I was totally floored by it. I suddenly felt the pain of loss I was avoiding. The sadness and pain was unbearable. I had lost a soulmate in some ways, a close friend who was like a brother. When someone takes their own life there are so many unanswerable questions. I felt guilty like I should have done more to help him. I felt unbearable pain I had lost such an amazing friend, a person who was a gifted and a beautiful artist. I realise these experiences shape us and make us wake up to what we have. I see him sometimes when the light hits the trees in early morning or when I hear a certain song. I will always feel love for my friend and felt lucky to have know him. I spend quality time with my current friends and family, I keep them close. As a society we find it difficult to talk about death and ways to process grief. I needed counselling to deal with my feelings I was avoiding. Essentially they were feelings of sadness, fear and pain. As Nick Cave talks about where there is Love there is grief. And yes, I am unimaginably changed. Additional note: It's time to take a step back from the forum and focus on exciting times ahead.

I think you need to have better safeguards in place for vulnerable people, whether you like it or not. I think your site needs to have different levels for beginners, intermediate and advanced. I think you need to step back from the forum, stop getting involved in the squabbling and let the mods do their jobs. I think you need to set up something in person, no more online, change direction. I think you need to continue to work on your own biases and assumptions as a teacher, you could be more humble and non judgemental. Forget marketing tactics just be more authentic. Like what you're doing here. People need to remember you're not an expert you've just had a few more experiences, that's all. You also need to think about how you communicate, newbies don't understand about imagining reality and becoming god. Understand some people are just happy with a bit of self help advice and meditation tips. Be clearer, more authentic but less aggressive.

A letter written to Nick Cave on the meaning of grief: I have experienced the death of my father, my sister, and my first love in the past few years and feel that I have some communication with them, mostly through dreams. They are helping me. Are you and Susie feeling that your son Arthur is with you and communicating in some way? Cynthia, USA Dear Cynthia, This is a very beautiful question and I am grateful that you have asked it. It seems to me, that if we love, we grieve. That’s the deal. That’s the pact. Grief and love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable. There is a vastness to grief that overwhelms our minuscule selves. We are tiny, trembling clusters of atoms subsumed within grief’s awesome presence. It occupies the core of our being and extends through our fingers to the limits of the universe. Within that whirling gyre all manner of madnesses exist; ghosts and spirits and dream visitations, and everything else that we, in our anguish, will into existence. These are precious gifts that are as valid and as real as we need them to be. They are the spirit guides that lead us out of the darkness. I feel the presence of my son, all around, but he may not be there. I hear him talk to me, parent me, guide me, though he may not be there. He visits Susie in her sleep regularly, speaks to her, comforts her, but he may not be there. Dread grief trails bright phantoms in its wake. These spirits are ideas, essentially. They are our stunned imaginations reawakening after the calamity. Like ideas, these spirits speak of possibility. Follow your ideas, because on the other side of the idea is change and growth and redemption. Create your spirits. Call to them. Will them alive. Speak to them. It is their impossible and ghostly hands that draw us back to the world from which we were jettisoned; better now and unimaginably changed. With love, Nick.

@jimwell That was a beautiful post thank you.

@Leo Gura So therein lies the problem, which is a wider problem of You Tube. My point is that actually no one is really an expert on here or claims to be. I'm not advocating for a mental health organisation at all. Just better signposting for vulnerable people. I get that these types of forums are social forums and yes a lot of people get a lot out of them. What you've created has evolved into something else. Perhaps think about meeting your members in person like a Satsang or Q and A.

@Leo Gura So why have you got a section for serious emotional problems? If you claim to be teaching psychology then you need to think seriously about the gaps you may have in your approach. I also see this with Teal Swans teachings. This isn't just a place for casual chit chat this is a place where people come with serious emotional issues and may be vulnerable. Sounds like you may need to review the purpose of the forum.

@Leo Gura Do you think after this has happened you and the mods should have more suicide prevention training and/or have a dedicated specialist dealing with this?

Negative atrophy Shinzen Young talks about negative atrophy and how this can sit in the body/mind. Overthinking loop, frustration, anger, shame to name a few. We can ultimately expand and contract these thoughts and sensations through meditation. We can sense the impermanence that is there, especially when there is silence. Ever focused on the silence of a room? We are longing to find something to grasp onto, any mild sense, thought, feeling. You don't have to solve anything. It comes back to itself through source Through expansion, through contraction. Ultimately source comes back to itself, that's when you get the flavour of the no self. Negative atrophy can pass through you. Are you letting it expand or contract ? We like to cling on to it to have something to identify with. Drop it and see what happens. Here's the thing, what about the positive feel. I know I'm wired in the negative hence my quest for self help. But I'm also a positive thinking self obsessive (or was prior to awakening). Had a bit of a realisation around art practice, less ego, more exploration and solid practice is needed. Let go of constant goal setting. Do the work and the work will reward you.

@Mehrdad Sounds like you've activated your third eye. Nothing wrong with this, maybe take a break and come back. There are lots of side effects of meditation, I would seek a local spiritual teacher / meditation guru to advise around techniques. Perhaps try different practices to compliment, think holistically and also have breaks.

The Power of Breath - Ease Yoga Nidra Session - first time I've properly floated away in consciousness, felt a bit like taking psychedelics but sober of course. The Power of the breath can never be underestimated. Not only can it ground you, take you out of fight or flight and take you to the depths of silence - it connects you with the present moment: infinity. Like consciousness the breath cannot be controlled. The breath can expand and contract and can help you Transcend The Self. My monkey mind dissolved into illusion as I became my San Culpa: Ease. Ease of breath, Ease of Life, Ease of living, Ease of awareness. Why must we suffer so when infinity is there for us to experience? Feel the Ease, Feel the Breath. In addition I felt the profound nature of what my hand(s) can create in my art. I look forward to creating.

@Raptorsin7 Hey, yes this sounds promising. The right now is heaven (although the word heaven has lots of religious connotations). Why would we want to avoid heaven? Perhaps as humans we want to suffer, to struggle as this is deep within our conditioning. And perhaps, suffering (avoiding the moment) is a distraction from beauty, from Love. If we can see what is really and truly here in this moment. The moment itself is Eternal and infinite. This took me time to realise (I'm quite obsessed by time). My biggest stumbling block was feeling the absence of this (time). Or the beauty of it's true meaning.

Yield and Overcome When reading the Tao Te Ching, these words seem most impactful, resonated. What does it mean? Empty and be full Have little and gain Too much risk too short a life and too little risk too few rewards To be whole is to be flexible Being whole - all things will come to you I'm on the cusp of a new, more intense awakening. I've had an intense few weeks of emotions mainly anger and sadness brought about by grief. Access to awareness can strengthen, deepen. It isn't a thought or feeling, it is a Knowing. A Knowing which in essence is Love. Where do you find the Knowing? In Silence. The secret is we spend our lives avoiding silence. We create drama, conflict, anything to avoid facing the Truth (in silence). The Letting Go part is really a Knowing. A recognition rather than a struggle. There really is no struggle. There really is no need for thinking and analysing. You don't live your life, life lives you. Really and truly contemplate this. Life is the dancer and you are the dance. (Tolle) When you truly allow this, life can become magical. Move with life, and overcome it.

@FoxFoxFox Is the answer in just doing it, in practice? Are the permanent blissful states you speak of only occurring in a tiny proportion of the population. Be careful of wanting to seek to the next level, why do you think you need this? It sounds like you may need to seek more expert advice.

@Iksander Realising you are not attached to any perspective. You never have been. That's the illusion of the mind.

@Preety_India Best way to beat the trolls? Have the Self confidence to not give a ****. Even better way? Be Enlightened enough to know there's not a self.

@TheSomeBody Don't blindly follow. He's giving you a no bs approach. See the work for what it is, forget the teacher. You've raised an important point about hero/non hero worship. Consciousness, beauty, love, realness is the work. Has nothing to do with how it is delivered. Forget the style and look at the substance. Here's a tip. He doesn't know any more than you, you just haven't seen it yet. What has been provided is a modern way of reaching people. A way of pointing (and screaming) at the path. Follow it. Or don't.

@Carl-Richard Great post, thank you. Meditation is therapy indeed but you need the balls to sit on the cushion everyday. I wonder if meditation brought about this insight? ?

@tatsumaru Thanks for sharing your story so far, what a journey you've been on. Go read peoples journals to check out more amazing stories of transformations. There are some real gems there. My story: Suffering 13 years of deep self development work (on/off ramped up in the last five) including meditation Non suffering/bliss states/mystical experiences/ Your story is a good example of going meta, but perhaps too soon? You mentioned still struggling with self esteem issues and health issues. I think what often happens is people perhaps get obsessed with becoming god/awakening /the big E before dealing with the basic self help stuff first. Sometimes working on the latter is enough. Don't blindly follow, question, observe, see and like you have been doing, use multiple sources. Remember there isn't a quick fix. It's a lifetime of work and I'm concerned many seekers perhaps are viewing it differently

@tatsumaru I wonder if he meant don't spend your life on the cushion. The Tao Te Ching written by Lao Tzu is more a code to life, a set of important principles that can help you realise life is not about the seeking. Meditation can become part of the seeking especially by Westerners as it has been modified by its teachers over thousands of years. Like the Tao, there is no non-meditation without meditation. You have to use meditation to get to the non-meditation you describe (Nirvana). Some people can get there directly.

@Roy I didn't believe the mind. The Never Ending Story. I began to realise there was something else, mind blowingly simple. To get there you have to wade through all the trauma. You may loose a horse in the process, fight the Nothing, meet some wizards, fall off a giant turtle and most importantly become the Story. If you can ride on the back a dragon while getting there then so be it.

Sinking into Silence Why are we so afraid of silence? Listening, sitting, watching, waiting. Simplicity, patience and compassion are the three greatest treasures taught by Lao Tzu. How can we bring more of this into our lives. I struggle with patience and simplicity. Lao Tzu also states: Simple in thoughts and being - you return to source. Patience with others - you are in accord with the way things are. Patience = sitting and allowing. Allowing the what is. My other key treasure is to Sink into Silence. Live from here and there is no seeking needed.

@Raptorsin7 Thank you. Yes there absolutely needs to be a balance. When I started combining Yoga practices / walking/ changing diet combined with the meditation practices that's when I started seeing real results. Retreats really are the best thing for this, but tricky right now. I agree about moving towards/saying yes to experience. It can take up so much energy moving away from pain. So stop the seeking. The secret is: meditation is reality, rather than just a state we get in to relax. Where we are in our minds when we are in meditation practices (or yoga etc) we are at one with experience. I've been experimenting with meditation in real time, off the cushion, in work, talking, listening, eating, etc. You do this more and more and bingo, you're living life right there. It's not just mindfulness it's letting go of the self's projection onto reality. Like the Tao Te Ching says - Don't live life, let life live you. Stop interfering and watch it all unfold.

@SamC I am not a trauma expert or a professional but it sounds like you are trapped in a cycle here. You have made a powerful step by recognising this pattern. Trauma can become part of how we identify, for myself I've worked on accepting this and letting this go which has helped me move forward. How do you accept your feminine side? Fully, with self love. Culturally and historically, this has been difficult for men, but now however this is seen as more attractive and imo the key to having more authentic relationships. I see gender as more fluid, it's not fixed, and having trans and non binary friends and being part of the LGBTQ+ community has really helped with this. In a relationship sense, you are aware of how this is impacting which is huge progress. Be kind to yourself and consider more work around self love.

Why do you have this hurt?

So it's not really about your views about feminism and more to do with unconscious/shadow work you are doing? Also the thing you "can't stand" is a movement of reforms for the equality of women dating hundreds of years. Women have died in the name of feminism. Be aware that the anima you describe is a psychological construct. It's good you're making steps to heal/get in touch with the feminine within you but be careful of projecting your trauma onto others /oppressed groups and labelling it as something else. I've done it myself. Just an observation.