I'm ozz, thirty nine, writer. I'm homeless by choice, involuntarily celibate, metalhead, anarchist, nudist with complex ptsd and severe depression (the latter of which i try to remain in denial of), and arthritis in my neck. I have a three tier goal system i'm trying to pursue. I get overwhelmed and confused constantly, i can't focus on much. I'm getting trauma therapy, trying to educate myself out of this nightmare. my biggest problem is everyone else's apathy. I try to explain myself, but I get the most childish, hurtful comments back. I don't understand why people have to be so cruel. constantly telling you how defective you are, like it's necessary for them to feel better about themselves. there are too many reasons why i don't want to be them, why i don't want to participate in their selfish society. i don't feel accepted anywhere. I don't feel attractive. men stare at me and women ignore me. i'm sick of nothing ever changing or getting better. when I feel i have that power within me, if anyone would just notice it. people constantly assume i haven't been trying hard enough. that's just the first thing they misconstrue about me. they also assume I'm too stupid, telling me everything I don't know, telling me what works for them like it should work just fine for me. not even making half a human effort to understand the slightest thing about me, then they judge, project, self justify, blame, attack, degrade, belittle... and i cannot make it stop. and then they say 'well if you have that attitude, you'll never change anything', like it's all my fault they're standing in my way. anyway that they can make it seem like I'm my own problem. I know what I want to do. I know there's really only one thing on this planet that i want right now, and that's a sober girlfriend who doesn't try to change me because she's shallow and insecure. I'm happy with my life. i love myself (something else people constantly try to convince me otherwise of). I don't want luxury. I'm very thankful every day that I don't need a boss or a landlord. I don't want to be like everyone else. you can have your jobs and your boats and your selfishness. your fears and excuses. all i want and deserve is to be appreciated, valued. even published. recognized. I don't know how better to say this because I've been through it too many times with too many single serving, self serving 'friends'. I have been through the worst of humanity. only the wrong people approach me and none of the right ones. I'm so lost in a world of evil consumerism and I can't 'attract' my way out of it. I ache for physical contact constantly. I want to be held, healed, heard. people say that I think I'm entitled to that, but i'm not demanding, i've been asking nicely for far too long now and being rejected and kicked around like trash everywhere i go simply because i choose not to take part in this monetary lie. there are too many problems in this world that those people refuse to see and only make worse. no one else is stepping up to that plate. i will, but i can't do it alone. i refuse to be alone and ignored for one more day when there's absolutely no excuse to be. please. can anyone help?
