now is forever

everyone talks about ego death and now that i‘m willing to die, i‘m included (or excluded) to everyone’s ego and can’t. how weird is it?

i am not sure if i‘m on the ignore list.

on what kind of mission are you? i thought i could run beforehand.

@Leo Gura are you ignoring me or are you ignoring me?

@Brenzo2 as nothing is random it could be by random design ? i think he ignores me. i can’t do that with him though...

@mandyjw maybe it’s both.

he said nothing is random... it’s all by design. ?got ya

my online life is heavily interfering with my real life. there is also a bunch of work coming into my direction. and i can’t go on like this. it’s not healthy anymore. not for me and not for the people in my sourounding. it’s hard for me, too, but it’s overdue. these eruptions like with joseph have to happen - we all start to fall asleep here at some point if we don’t leave at the right time. don’t miss that point mandy! we all start to get eaten by the nothing after some time. depending on what we came with or came for.

@Hellspeed hehe i got it now ⛰? always thought it was just about the bunny.

thought you where joking. also what she wrote seems like a prophecy - it was maybe the one grain of sand that brought out the sphinx. we were both so much into the neverending story. she even posted a bunny. although i can’t remember what the bunnies where about... ah it was about the monty python ?? fear bunny. i actually wonder if they ever heard the story of the seven swabians.

i feel like waiting for godot

the manual cleaning takes to long. and i got headaches. i realize how the ego slowly softens it out again. i could keep it... i could still sometimes... no. no. NO i really must go, i don’t like some developments here. i also understand why joseph had to do what he did! i also want to leave. he somehow inspires me, the deeper the bonding the more radical you must be with how you leave. emotions involved. people hurt. don’t want you to leave because we cling together like cow on ice. i loved how zweistein left, she was so virtuous in ice skating she didn’t get stuck. i=you=we

@Leo Gura can you please erase all content i ever posted. i tried to do it manually but i get headaches and i realize it’s better if you would do it. do i need to give up my account then, too? it’s a little bit scary. i just post it here because mandy will understand. it’s not about the topic. you know that @mandyjw don’t you - it’s not about worth! a person does not have a price. if you struggle with giving all the love you could give at the moment it might be because you are struggling with some other values right now. same goes for feeling unworthy.

hehe you mean the dog hole ? natasha mentioned? i don’t mind shin who’s butt you fancy you’d probably not fancy my melons, i’m not asian. it doesn’t matter i still wanted to tell you that. thank you!

i love you shin! really i do, it’s a really warm big non melon love. you can leave the peal on the flor. (i won’t delete this)

the question i posted was: why do moths burn themselves flying towards the light? there is this german song: in the free fall through space and time. towards infinity. moths fly towards the light, the same as you and me. somewhere somewhen, somehow the future starts. i will not wait for long. love is made of courage. don’t think for long. we move on fire wheels towards the future through the night.

i appreciate your attempt. but you got me involved with you very late to my story here, and it’s not against you. i already forgot myself - i forgot myself here. even though i started to forget myself much earlier on. i probably started to forget myself the moment of my birth. i can know a person only when i spend time with them. and to spend time here i left other people alone. you see the problem. of course you will never know anybody in your life! you can only be there for them and understand them, or you won’t. it’s contraction/retreat not expansion.

this refrain came to my mind - as i know i have to destroy it. without destroying it i will not go on. i will stay trapped here forever. it’s time of the killing moon. the moon is not a male symbol. in asia the moon stands for the feminine.

maybe i forgot to mention the soul. without the soul the heart is junk food for the ego.

i am journaling and you take part in it as you wish to. i don’t limit you. you project on me and i tell you where i don’t agree. you can stop taking part in it any minute. can you? obviously not! so what am i doing here. i process something - is this ok with you? do i need to ask you for permission? i’ll delete it afterwards - i’d do it somewhere else, but the problem is in this space connected to this space, my traces in this space. i told you i’m wrapping up loose ends.

who says, this is not? it is impossible. if it won’t work here, where will it work? it has always been impossible. i just didn’t mind before.

so first of all of course i have an ego, but i only share these past thoughts with myself - who do i talk to? to no one i just let the thoughts run. it’s like talking to myself. sorry you get concerned! i just try to creatively actively figure out myself - it’s a deconstruction process. i’m sorry you got involved. i’m sorry i made you integrate me as a friend. i’m probably not. i have not been from the beginning. we all just use each other to mirror ourselves as soon as the ego can it strikes. i’m not particularly talking about you. i just got tired of it. i thought the last video would bring people to reflect it actually did that to me. i thought about what needs to survive in me and the i saw what survives in others and it made me so sad and angry and empty. i don’t know whom i’m doing this for as i never did this just for myself - i didn’t even want to be here in the beginning. it’s the outcome if people play with spirituality. there was a chaos storm going on here when i arrived now i am that. this is rage and the will to destroy.

life only happens if you try not being aware of it happening. because as long as you try that you are not aware about it happening. awareness is awareness on the moment.

space is there to be filled. the question is with what we can fill space with ego or we can fill space with space. i don’t think it’s good to try to provide a spiritual forum to an ego game - it will never change. its just another soul on sale. its impossible to teach colours to the blind. my mistake.