joep229

I understand that my worry is not only about her, but also about the devastating effect it would have on me and the rest of my life if my fears came to pass. I know this is selfish of me and just a part of life for people as they get older and I also know what Leo says about worry. I am trying to work on that. It just bugs me that as I know I am not alone with these issues. What is it about me that makes me fear and obsess about things to the extent that I do? As to your suggestion about getting to the childhood trauma, nothing is coming to me as far as a physical sensation. Just a similar situation regarding something that actually happened to a relative in the recent past that helped to provoke these fears in me. But I will keep thinking about it. Thanks

Thanks Ayla "What if I told you that we never worry about the others, but only about one aspect of ourselves that is reflected back to us by others?" Are you saying that my worry is about something in myself that I see in her issues, not about her? Can you explain a little further?

I've been having social anxiety problems for many years. I was always shy and somewhat uncomfortable with people. My low self-esteem and fear of people (I have always mentally put everyone above me, and still do) directed me on an easy path towards a civil service job as a Court employee. Nevertheless, I did that job for many years and eventually retired from it. Although successful, I was held back from certain advancements because of my evident poor self-image. Imagine being a very insecure person in a fairly prestigious career. I feel like I faked my way through my working life. My escape was evening weed, on and off, which temporarily relieved these issues and allowed me to have fun and an anxiety free social life when I smoked it. Now that I am retired, I have taken these social problems with me, along with certain visual and cognitive issues that my wife now has, that we both must deal with too. She has always been the one person in my life that can seem to put my issues into perspective and has always been the one to help me to get through my bad stretches. Although she is still very helpful with these things, I feel that she is the one I should be helping and supporting and I constantly worry about her (although I can see that she is generally fine) that I am not able to do what may be necessary in the future. This gives me extreme guilt. These days my levels of stress and worry are extreme at times. I meditate daily now try to change my bad thought patterns and to try to stay in the ‘here and now’ rather than worrying about what the future may bring and I see that it does help. Over the past year, I have had anxiety attacks and even a period of bad panic attacks. I have taken SSRIs, which take the edge off but mostly only give me side effects that I can’t handle. I saw a psychologist for a while who I sort of connected with, but she left the area. Now I see a Psychiatrist who sees me once every month or two but only to monitor my medications. I am in a fairly good stage right now, but I’m trying to get the nerve to get some CBT which I also have fear of since I am very reluctant to share ‘the real me’ with others, and I am also not very positive about the success of this type of treatment. It's a struggle!