ROOBIO

Started March 7th. Two sits a day, started around 30 min to now mostly 80 to 90 minutes each. I'm somewhere in the back half of First Kriya. Yoni Mudra stable at 90 seconds, Kechari, Maha Mudra, Navi Kriya, full Pranayama stack. The first three months were one of the ugliest stretches of my adult life. Nobody told me this part. So here it is. What actually came up An ex I hadn't thought about in months surfaced like she lived in my chest. Grief that doubled me over. A "I am fundamentally unlovable" core wound I didn't know I was carrying showed up around session 10 and sat on me for weeks. Refused to mute her on Instagram even though I knew I should. Dreamt she married a prince and I watched it through stories. That's the level of subconscious sludge the breath drags up. 4am wakings with my heart pounding for no reason. Sleep got worse before it got better. Samskaras process at night. Hulk level rage at my family. I'm talking visualizations of killing people I love. Then immediately the broadcast samskara fired. I went and told a friend the detail because part of me wanted credit for the catharsis. Caught myself only because I was reporting to a coach. Spontaneous body convulsions during Yoni Mudra. Gag reflex from vagus activation. The "verge of exploding and dying" feeling before the bliss door opens. A non-dual experience on a beach where I merged with everything. Woman, dog, ocean, no separation, weeping at the beauty. Followed within hours by a full ego reconstruction panic attack at 4am. I posted about the beach experience on Instagram and texted a friend a screenshot of my own insight before deleting both. That's the loop. Insight, broadcast, identity, pressure to perform, anxiety, shame. It runs in pickup, it runs in spirituality, it runs everywhere. Around session 92 I had a long conversation with a British woman earlier in the day. She left. Hours later I'm standing outside a cheesecake shop in India and she comes back. Says "hi friends," and jumps into my arms and starts weeping uncontrollably. Not crying. Weeping like something inside her had been waiting a year to come out. I held her. Took her to the side. Said "it's okay, it's okay, cry." Started breathing with her, our stomachs touching, for about 10 minutes. She stopped. I sat her down with the cheesecake and said "feel the wetness on your face, the sadness, the sorrow, it's so fucking pleasurable." She broke into laughing hysterics and we ended up laughing together. I walked her toward my place and decided not to bring her up. Gave her a hug. Didn't take her number. Closed loop. And right after, I felt the structural pull of how spiritual leaders become sexual predators. I felt it from inside. Regulated nervous system plus vulnerable seeker plus intense bonding plus projection of divinity equals the exact circuit. I understood Lahiri's rule against organizations in my body for the first time. That's the level of clarity Kriya gives you about your own potential darkness. A few days before session 101 I had another one. Deep conversation, very fast. Dating, sexuality, consciousness, silent presence. She cried during it. I felt the pull, decided not to pursue. Didn't message her. Then a few days later I'm sitting in a cafe working, and she walks in. Says "hey" passing me, sits with another guy. Five minutes later she leaves him, comes over to me, makes small talk about her foot healing for five minutes, says "I need to go, I'll see you again," and goes back to the guy. While she's leaving the cafe she shouts "Bye Hari!" across the whole restaurant. I was sitting with an American friend at the time. My nervous system went into the floor. Day-long fear spike. Mind bombarding with guilt, shame, worry, every possible angle. Sexual energy uncontainable, pulsations streaming up and down my body. That night I woke up hallucinating. My laptop became a boat. There was a crocodile trapped at the bottom of the boat. A lizard popped out of it crawling along the keyboard. Hypnopompic paralysis, couldn't move, just watching it. I didn't message her. Didn't post. Didn't go looking for her. Brought it to a coach instead of acting on any of it. Social collapse. Couldn't look people in the eyes. Couldn't smile naturally. Parvastha bleeding into daily life so much I stopped wanting to talk to anyone. Watching girls on the beach instead of approaching, half witnessing, half avoiding, mostly avoiding. Sloth states after sessions. Lying down "thinking" for an hour. Stopped sessions to write poems. Tried to do three sits in a day. Went over the timer constantly. The mind dresses up self sabotage as creativity, as devotion, as "deepening." Crying as cathartic relief, not pain. That's the good version. The bad version is hell/bliss oscillation inside the same retention. Pure terror, then pure love, every 8 seconds, for 80 minutes. You don't get to leave the seat. This is not a hobby. It's a controlled demolition of the self you walked in with. If you have unfinished business with a parent, an ex, your ambition, your specialness, it is coming up, on the practice's schedule, not yours. The bliss is real. The "I am" state is real. But the path runs straight through every wound you've spent twenty years arranging your life to avoid feeling. Sit twice a day. Don't post about it. Don't make it your identity. Don't join the course. Don't tell people how deep you went. Get a coach or a friend who will call you on your shit. It is worth it. It is not pretty.

@Sincerity Amazing! Next time I will use the blindfold, I have never done that before. How does it compare to without using one?

I probably spent like 30 minutes in pranyama. Important thing that I try to focus on is Paravastha. I'll spend about 30 minutes in Paravastha. The rest is split up between Mahamudra, Yoni Mudra, Navi Kriya. Although I am currently in India at the moment and I'm doing an initiation with this Kriya Master. Swami Nityananda Giri. Taught me his version of Navikriya, and it's very different to what I learned from the books. It seems far more impactful just that one exercise itself. At the end of it, my mind was extremely still.

I'm 30. What was it like when you were pushing it really hard? I'm just curious. I'm not saying my experiences were bad, per se. I'm grateful for each and every one of these experiences. I think the way I wrote the post wasn't the best. It does seem a bit childish and maybe a bit over dramatic. How have your experiences of Kriya changed since you started and to where you are now?

Yeah, I was meditating quite intensely in my earlier years, but then I completely stopped for like six years to sort my life out. I kind of just forgot about spirituality. And now, especially this year, I've been practicing very hard: Kriya Meditation, Mindfulness, Psychedelics. And I've always been interested in trying to find out what is true. What am I? What is consciousness? Asking the big questions. Yeah, right now I do Kriya, concentration practice, which I think is extremely important, Shinzen Young Noting Technique, zazen/do nothing, some contemplation, but I should do more of this. I don't do enough. Don't start with pranayama. Start with the prep, in this order: get a comfortable seat (30-45 min), learn Nadi Sodhana, learn Ujjayi, practice resting in awareness after each round (Parvastha), then learn to hold focus at the eyebrow point, then spend time feeling each of the 7 chakras one by one, then add mental Om at each chakra up and down the spine. Only after all that ,usually a month in, start Kriya Pranayama itself, 12 breaths building to 24, slow (30+ sec per breath).

I am interested the peoples experiences with Kriya. Have you been through a similar path?

Okay, this insight just hit me. Not on any psychedelics, but just being completely sober. Reality is absolutely groundless. There is no ground on which reality is coming from. In our experience, we have, let's say, six types of perception we can compartmentalize. Color, sounds, feelings, emotions, thoughts/abstractions (i.e. mind), taste/smell. Notice every single one of these perceptions is always changing. There is no fixed configuration throughout your entire life on any one of these perceptions. Let's call this FLUX. Perception is always in flux. I mean, the Buddhists have called the impermanence of life. And it goes so fucking deep. And it's so tricky. Because the mind is so fucking tricky. Shit, the mind is creating a reality within these perceptions. However, the mind is just one of these perceptions. If we break down or transcend the mind and we experience the perception directly. All perceptions are made out of the same thing. Our mind tends to create a physical separation of certain colors. This certain color is It's wood. This certain color is metal. That some set of colors is human. A certain set of colors is tree. And so on and so on. But this is perception labelling perception. To think of it like a vortex of perception. What really is going on is that this certain set of perceptions is now saying it's the manager of the other perceptions. Mind carves out certain things within FLUX. It labels certain things as "me", "as not me". Creating dualities. Creating your life. Your life story, where the experience is happening. Everything is being created by these abstractions your mind is creating throughout the day. And we just fucking believe it. Consciousness gets trapped into the mind. These abstractions are just perceptions, when mind creates an abstraction of itself, what is that? A perception of another perception. It's a mirror reflecting another mirror. If you look into the reflection of a mirror within a mirror, it goes on forever. The is no beginning or end. There is no place where mind eventually touches something solid. I.e., reality is completely groundless. And this makes no sense. Because sense is a thing that mind creates. Wow. Wow. Wow. Let's take a bunsen burner. I attached an image to this post. The gas in this case is completely empty. Potential to create the flame. When it does, the flame is rising out of the gas. The gas is no form, no color, no heat. There's no place at which you can point where the gas is located. It provides the conditions for the flame to exist. And so the flame comes from the gas. Now, let's look at the flame. In the image, the flame has an outer core and inner core. But do we say the outer core or an inner core are separate. No, it's one fucking thing. It's just a flame. Exactly the same thing is happening in your experience. It's just one fucking thing. However, the identity of the self, the me, the I, carves itself out, creating an inner flame, a distinction between I and other, which separates it from everything else ie the outer flame. It tricks itself to think the inner flame is separate from the outer flame. It's ALL JUST A FUCKING FLAME.

I see a lot of spiritual traditions talking about no-mind. What do they really mean by no-mind. Is it the same as no thinking? I guess the place to start is what do people mean when they say mind. I looked at some definitions: "The mind is that which thinks, feels, perceives, imagines, remembers, and wills" "The mind is the individual, subjective experiencing of “something” that is always changing, moment to moment." Ok this made this contemplation a lot easier. Mind in analogous to the small self, small i that tricks it self that it is the do-er of life. To me this question is the same as "Does no-self/no-ego mean not thinking?" Not thinking is seen as quite a popular "goal" in spirituality. But is it actually possible? I don't know. My experience tells me it is hard BUT thinking is not the issue. Believing you are a mind that is doing the thinking is. We are saying that mind is the thing which is responsible for it's life, it is doing the thinking, it is doing the perceiving, is it doing the remembering. So mind is responsible for it's life. But this is false, from direct experience there is no small doer of these things, you aren't responsible for thinking or perceiving. These things are happing inside of you. Reality is being, these perceptions are happening without an experiencer that is a thing. All perception has no perceiver. So when you are realising no-mind you are realising the truth of what is happning in this moment. When you think there is mind that means you aren't seeing reality directly. So no-mind IS NOT the same as not thinking. You can be thinking ALOT and be in no-mind. A thought is just a thought, the meaning and abstractions can trick itself into many things. But it is a sub-set of reality that you as an ego have no control over. Thinking is a happening. Not thinking is a happening

i love this view, cause it is the seperation, the dualities is apart of being whole I remember Shinzen young once saying in an interview that his experience ranges from living in complete delusion of the self, as though he never meditated before, and then seeing through that and being whole and abiding from the void or nothingness. He has no preference between the two.

Do you agree or disagree?

It seems like this is if you actually want to have a relationship with someone, but not with sleeping with a girl. You can be extremely charismatic, fun, present, in the moment, and be an absolute bum. Have no prospects, have no money in the bank. But then, as time goes on, if the girl realises that you don't have anything sustainable, you don't have future plans, you don't have ambitions, you don't have goals. Then she'll probably leave you if you don't align with what she wants. I think game, charisma, are important for attraction but not for developing a relationship with the woman. I think these two are obviously separate things. Probably wealth and status help more with having a relationship with a woman, but not for actually attracting them. If you do attract them using these methods, then they're not actually attracted to you, so it might prove quite badly when the relationship develops. However, if your game relies on you being a deceitful person, then as the relationship develop that also might cause problems. I also think pre-selection is a pretty cool here. If you are seen with other girls, especially attractive women, then it's easier for you to get another girl, and you don't need status to get that. It's crazy to see how much you can portray wealth and status through your behavior and the way you act in front of a woman and not actually have those things.

Interesting, have you been able to rest in a state with no thoughts? What did you do to rest there?

Also, from this, there was never a problem with the "I" thought. When you realize reality is a fucking flame coming from nothing. The I thought is just the thought existing within all other perceptions. Even when you have a thought, "I am the universe". You still realize that it's the universe having the thought: "I am the universe," tricking itself to think it's an "I" thought, but it's still the whole universe doing that. In everything else it is doing.

I am here? Where is here? I am 5m away from that tree? Does that mean your body is 5m away from the tree? Or if see a guy and I am 10m from him? What is the you that I am trying to locate? The perceiver? OK, so when you say "where are you," you mean where is the perceiver of things? Ok, so where is the perceiver of things? When I perceive a tree, am I in my head? Which is 5m away from the tree, which is in Himalayas, which is in India, etc, we can go forever and ever. It's just a chain of "where" stemming from the head, because you can keep giving another word for where the other word is. So no you aren't even defining a location for something. You are coming up with more perceptions and words to define a location for the previous word, which in turn is leading to nowhere. So you are still here by actually struggling to find where you are. The stories you give yourself are there to make comfort for your life, they give your life a grounding. But really, there is only perception. So even the question: where are you? is a perception within the sea of perceptions. And you are the knowing of the perceptions. So where is that? When I look at a tree, is the act of perceiving happening in my head? Or is it happening "as the tree is known", is the tree self-knowing? Is that where I am? But if every perception is self-knowing and that is where I am, I am not located. Location is happening inside what I am.

There is no location in which experience is happening, and there is no thing which knows it is happening.

I just wanted to say, thank you so much for your work @Leo Gura I've been following your work since 2014. I'm just imagining how I was back then. Extremely socially anxious. So scared of women. Unclear in what I wanted to do. I was so lost. Painful just to exist every day. I wasn't sure why this was happening. Why I was deserving of it. Every day felt like panic attacks, and I couldn't be comfortable around people. I hated life. I hated my family. I hated myself deeply. But your content, especially as it matured into spiritual development, was so fucking interesting to me. It was the only thing that kept me sane. Finally, someone I can listen to and I can relate to. Someone who's introspective and cares about life and what it is. You showed me how to develop a deep passion for existence, for consciousness work. As you're getting into consciousness work, I still needed to deal with all of my troubles that I was facing. I wanted to push further and harder into meditation, but the survival aspects of my life were just a mess. I left all of that and focused on survival: focused on getting a stable job, being able to attract women, being able to be comfortable in social situations. Through you as the basis for overcoming all of these issues I faced. And now I just can't imagine how different my life is. The connections I have had with people, especially women, have been unbelievably beautiful and deep. My anxiety is basically gone, and when it comes I love it. The connection I have with existence, just through consciousness work on a day-to-day basis, is getting to the point where it just moves me: The profundity and beauty of life The fact I'm alive The fact that experience is happening The fact that I'm here It just moves me to tears. I've been crying alot this year, and it's been fucking incredible. The risks I've taken in my career, the risks I've taken traveling around the world, traveling to different cultures, experiencing a multitude of different cultures, have given me a worldview of compassion and care for existence. I'm not scared of life anymore. Well, I'm less scared. Surrendering to it. Like, fuck it, whatever happens, happens. Let's ride this bull. Let's ride it till we die. Everyday is magnificent. Every day is magical. I just want to go deeper into this. I wanna go deeper into myself. Into my understanding of who I am. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you

It was "How To Make A Girl Squirt - Give Your Girl An Explosive Orgasm"

I went, I felt like I embarked on a voyage yesterday. I'm back, I'm a bit fazed. Back into this physical reality. But different. More aware of, like, what the fuck is actually going on. The biggest insight I got from yesterday is that what you are... is... nothing. And that nothing... is conscious. And it's creating fucking everything. And it exists nowhere. And you are literally a fucking universe. Being aware of itself. This experience, this conscious experience. The experience of being conscious is how the universe is creating itself. And it fucking breaks you heart. I was walking down the street, as I was coming down, and I could see... the arrow, as, like, an arrow of nothing that's penetrating everything, and it was pure unity, pure oneness, with everyone else, and everyone, including my body and my mind, and everything else, was... connected with this unity. With this nothingness, with this awareness, with this consciousness. So, when you're looking at a bottle, the bottle is generating itself with awareness. And that's what the universe is creating, but it feels like you're looking at it when your consciousness is not high, but it's not. There's something, there's a nothingness, which is aware of the bottle, and that is the creation of it. The experience of being conscious is the creative process. Oh, no, no, I'm walking down there. No, no, no. I penetrated through unity, so then everyone was myself, and I wasn't in my body, and by myself, I mean, universal self. Like, universal oneness, and everyone was it, and we were all there. And because of that, you just start crying. I remember when I finished. I was calming down, I was walking, went to a coffee shop, and I was just fucking crying, and everyone. And then this guy was like, "You're right." I was like, looking at him, and I was like, there's no me, there's no self. It's just, that's me, this is me. Everyone's me. Now I'm back in this limited form, but, like, definitely more aware of the mechanisms of how this form is working. This is where it's at, but, like, riding the bull of consciousness. This is what the monks talk about in Zen Buddhism. And it makes my meditation practice look like a fucking peanut. It's even crazy, because, like, when I'm writing to you now, it feels like, is there anyone? I was writing to myself. Is there anyone there on the other side of this communication? Is there anyone that's actually conscious of something? Please tell me. But then the thing, the thing, which is aware of it, that thing is exactly the same, and it's, I am you, you are me. It's all one thing going on. It's just oneness. There's, like, one thing which is, and it's a complete mystery, because it's coming out of nothing, it's occurring nowhere. It's existing nowhere. It is creating itself. You're that. And you're that, and... the awareness that you are looking right now is what that is. Like, that process of being aware is what you are, undeniably. It's like... like you're not the body or my mind. That consciousness, you can rest in that. And when you raise your consciousness, it's like, it's like you're awake. The universe becomes awake to itself. And the universe is looking through you right now. Now, another question I need to figure out is, like... I remember when I saw this deep into this nothingness. And, like, the first thought that came was like, what is it doing? There's another being. What is it, what is it doing? It's just doing itself. And then this tree is an "I". It's like existing as itself, and I'm that. What is it doing? What is reality doing? It's just doing. It's doing itself from nothing. This void, it... It's nothing, and it's doing. And it's the whole thing doing. Like, when you hear a bird sound, thats reality doing, When you hear, when you look at someone, that's a reality doing. When you see... anything is reality's doing... Reality is doing, and why is it doing? What is it doing? Like, these are the questions that, I don't know. It is doing. I... All right, that's a mystery. Like, in this solid realm, it seems physical, is because your awareness of it is not strong. We're very much asleep. And by being asleep, I am asleep right now, because my consciousness is not high. I am asleep. Because, yeah, my consciousness is not higher. You raise it, like, you wake up, and then you come back to sleep, and it's, like, okay, so now, my consciousness is very subtle. There is awareness there, but I'm not really conscious of it. I'm not conscious of me being aware. I'm not conscious of the conscious experience which is going on now. Like, when you raise your consciousness, you see that, that, that consciousness is the emptiness. And that's what you are, and then when you look at something, you're creating it. With your consciousness. Oh, fuck. Oh, you get the sense, it's all gonna be okay. Now, I don't have that sense. I mean, I do a little bit, but I just felt it strong, but when you're there, you're like, it's all one. It's all perfect. It's all fine. Everything's fine. Everything is out there, it's going to be. Reality's just doing its thing. It's doing its thing for no reason. And that's what you are.

I am facing a dilema in my practice, so doing like 4 hours daily, anapana, kriya, do nothing, labeling, also tripping. The practice is opening real fast right now. Sustained bliss, Seeing myself in everything, Sitting for hours just blissing out. And the more it deepens the more everything else looks like decoration. I am less motivated to push to make more money, I am less motivated to put the effort into dating, cause I just love sitting, even when I experience negative emotions, it makes to so nice. However, this has consequences. I can see this effecting material aspects of my life. Which I am confused about. How do you manage this? Ideally, I want to be and sit more, but it will take away to much form my daily life.

Atm I quit my job and went in on the startup. But I moved to the Himalayas so it is cheaper here. And simple. I am reaching such profound states of love, beauty, by just doing nothing.

Appreciate your advice. But I do work. I don't really have the energy to put into finding a gf for per se. I am working on a startup with my friend and I am meditating for four-five hours a day , I could be working more on the business to make more money, but I don't, so I make less money. That's annoying, but I'd rather meditate. Do you see what I'm saying?

"if you enjoy just sitting there then it should mean you enjoy watching the birds more and enjoy going on walks with your friends even more". I do enjoy these as much. All I want to do is watch birds and talk shit with people, this is the same as sitting, just being, but this is different from making money and putting in the effort to date.

I guess, I just have to try it and see

@Leo Gura how does 5 Meo compare to lsd trips and this trip report?

Okay so something I've been sitting with around pickup, it was genuinely one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I think I finally understand why. As an INFP, I couldn't detach. Every approach carried real weight. The fear and anxiety weren't surface level, they went deep, like each interaction was somehow connected to whether I was actually worthy of love. I took everything to heart and I couldn't switch that off no matter how hard I tried. But when I did connect with someone? It was intense. Intense connection, real intimacy, something that felt almost beyond just dating. Like I was actually seeing the person and they could feel it. I think the standard pickup metrics, approaches per night, number closes, pull is so stupid, they were never built for someone like me. They're measuring extraverted sensing performance and I'm just not wired that way. Anyone else feel like the whole framework was designed for a completely different type of person? @Leo Gura was it easy fo you to detach as an INTP?