Karin12414

Hey guys Hope you have all been well. I have spent the past month in reflection and meditation to discover who I am. I got into some personal yoga and have been spending time contemplating the things I have experienced in my life so far. I am starting to feel lighter and happier with life overall. I decided that I wanted to be more confident and proactive with my life. I am only 18 so it feels like the world is open for anything to happen in my life I found a local group that offers support for victims or sexual assault and I have met some of the most beautiful, broken people. I have been able to form close connections with some of the girls and have even been asked to be a sponsor for one of the younger girls in our group. I feel like when I talk to her and listen to her story, I am not doing it as a victim to another victim. I feel like I am separated from that past and I am able to talk to her as a survivor. I got a job as a server and I'm already doing very well there I am saving all of my money and my friend is looking to find a place with me. I haven't had any issues with my brother and I have been able to feel comfortable and confident at home. I won't go as far as saying that I am completely cured and enlightened or anything like that. But I am feeling a way I have never been able to feel. Just liberated. I want to travel and learn more about this world. And I feel like the person I am now can achieve all of that. Once again, I thank you guys for your continued love and support. I truly owe so much to you guys.

Hey Artimus, I just read your post... Please believe me when I say, I know how you feel right now... I believed I was the cause of everything going wrong around me. That if it wasn't for me maybe everything would be normal and okay, but that isn't what is happening. You didn't ask for this, you said so yourself. This was all caused by the actions of someone selfish and no one else. In my personal situation, after I stood up for myself only about a week ago, I took some time away from everything. Just a few days to be alone and thought about everything that has happened, and everything that everyone here has told me. I came to the conclusion that I can't control what others decide to do. No matter how selfish it is, they will do what they want. Nathan will be angry at you, and you can't change that. But you can decide how it will effect you in the now. I choose to not let it be who I am. I am not just a victim. I am more than that, so much more! And you are too! I think the time I spent alone was probably the most important part of my discovery. You should really try it. Just a day or more can do wonders, I think. Just be selfish for a while and think about you. No one else matters right now. If you need someone to talk to, you can always message me. We can get strong together. Good Luck!

@Nahm @zoey101 Thank you.

It's been only two weeks since I first posted about my family on here. You all gave me support and advise on the subject, and I was able to build up the courage to tell my brother to basically fuck off. For that I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. He hast been messaging me or coming over to the house, so, so far so good. I had a really tough time letting go of the shit he felt necessary to add to our talk. He said things like "it's not like anyone else will want you" and "if you change your mind, come find me". He makes me so sick... But I have been trying to take some time and meditate on the things you all told me. I feel like I'm in a much better place now. I spent a few days alone in my room, completely unplugged from everyone, just repeating to myself that "I am not who he says I am. I didn't do anything to cause this situation, but I did something to stop it." I don't want to be defined by him anymore... I want to be ME. I realized I can't control what he does or says, but I can control how it effects me. And I don't want it to effect me anymore! Thank you for your help. I want to be a better me, I know if I just stick with it, put forth my best efforts, and trust myself, I can do it. Thank you!

@d0ornokey I'm not quite sure what the exact next step is. I just want to focus on myself for a bit. I want to work on getting a job and moving out so that I can become more independent. I'm done feeling like I'm weak and helpless. I want to be useful now. @phoenix666 @zoey101 Thank you I honestly feel like I wouldn't have found the strength to do any of this, if I didn't find this site.

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone that gave their support and advise in my last post. This hasn't been easy, but it was nice to finally get it all out. So I got it over with. We met up yesterday and he didn't try anything. I told him that I wanted him to stay away from me. That I didn't want him in my life anymore. I told him he has hurt me too deeply and I wanted it to stop. He kinda just laughed about the whole thing and said some pretty ugly things... But he ultimately said he'd leave me alone. So now we'll see if that's true. Just trying not to let what he said get to me... But he had to say just the right shit to hurt...

Thank you all. I know he was just trying to hurt me because I said shit he didn't want to hear. I took time alone to reflect and just to keep myself from being sucked into his lies again.... I feel a little better, but I just wonder what next, you know.. I feel like now that I have taken care of this issue, I feel empty... I don't know...

When I was 12 years old I was raped by my brother who was 17 at the time... We were home alone and just watching TV and he just reached over and started rubbing my leg. It felt weird so I got up and said I was gonna go to bed. He grabbed me by my arm and pulled me back down and attacked me... I didn't know what to think or do.. i didn't even understand what just happened and still don't know why... He hasn't touched me since then but I can't help but feel my stomach turn anytime he would smile at me... Like nothing happened... I'm 18 now and I have been having dreams about it again on and off for the past month... I used to be so scared and wake up shaking in sweat.. but now in my dreams I am very into it and I wake up very aroused... and its been getting worse lately too.. I find myself daydreaming sometimes and then that memory pops into my head and I can't think about anything else... My brother came over for dinner the other night and sat across from me.. I didn't want to make any eye contact with him but my mom got upset that I didn't say a word to him so I just asked him what was up with him lately and when he started talking to me he was just staring right at me.. But i didn't feel scared... i was turned on again... What the hell is happening to me? I don't want to think about my brother like that, especially when he did that to me before... but it's like my body is just reacting against me... What should I do?

Okay, I messaged him to meet me tomorrow... It took about 30 minutes of pumping myself up in the mirror to press send, but I did it... He said alright, and now my stomach feels so twisted up right now... I want to just not think about any of it till tomorrow... is that okay? or should I be focusing on it? I don't know, jeez I feel like I'm gonna puke...

I think I have a plan.. but I wanted to ask for some opinions first. So, the library by my home has study rooms you can rent and they are just glass rooms basically. It would give us enough privacy so no one can hear us, but we are completely visible so I feel like that would keep him from trying anything... I want to just tell him to leave me alone.. that he has hurt me so much through this and I want it to stop... Is this a dumb idea? or is there anything else I could say or do..? I'm sorry I'm procrastinating on all of this... I want to get it over with, but building up the courage is really tough right now.. I just want to have a direct plan so I can get in, say what I need to say, and get out...

Thank you all so much for your advice. I'm sorry I haven't been on.. I just felt so overwhelmed by everything I felt like I needed to just step away from it all and breath for a day. I tried some breathing exercises I read and really liked the video suggestions, even though I know I need to look more into it all. I still have no clue what I'm gonna do... I have some ideas but I'm just giving it some time so I can have a clearer head, I suppose... I do feel better about some things though, thanks to all of you. I'll try to make up my mind quickly... I'm sorry..

it's not a troll... what kind of sick fuck would joke about this.... that's such a hurtful thing to say.... I really don't know what to say anymore... thank you for all the advice... I need to think... I'm sorry...

I don't want anyone to know... I just want it to stop... I agree that its stupid to see him alone face to face.... but I need to tell him somehow... I thought about just texting so I wouldn't even have to listen to his voice... but idk... maybe that's too much of a cop out... I'm sorry I'm being this way... I know I should tell the cops... but I'm so scared of how much it would destroy my parents... They love him so much... he's so successful right now... what if they hate me for ruining it all... I don't want to find out.... I'm so sorry...

Thank you guys so much.. I am trying to figure out my next move... I don't want to talk to him, but I know I have to... I don't want to go to his place to talk.. but I'm worried if it's somewhere public people will hear us... man I really wish I didn't have to talk to him...

I dont know what to say... Thank you all for being so supportive... It really does touch my heart... i really do feel safe talking here.. This whole thing is so fucked up.. idk what I did to cause things to be this way... but I just want it to stop.. I want us to be a normal family... But I'm scared he doesn't want that.... I need time before I can see him again... I want to tell him to stop.. I do... But I can't do it after yesterday.... I'm sorry...

I don't know... I just want to sleep and not wake up anymore... My head hurts so bad right now... He's my brother I would be ruining everything he is working towards... I can't think straight... Should I just run away? I don't want to confront him.... I don't want to hurt him... I do love him.. but not this shit... I can't tell anyone... My friends would see me as some disgusting freak....

He just left! What the ****? He came over out of nowhere, my parents are out till 6pm. He was asking for dad but he should know they both work... I told him he had to leave and he pushed me against the wall and kissed me! I couldnt move, I just froze... He pulled off of me and just smiled and left... what is f***ing happening??? I can't f***ing do this!! Why would he f***ing do that? I can't stop shaking... I feel so disgusting... I felt like I didn't want it to stop... I can't handle this... What should I do... This isn't fair.... I'm freaking the fuck out! I can't do this shit...

I like the meditation suggestions, thank you. I'll look into it. I can't go to counseling or therapy.. I'm under my parents insurance so they would know and want me to tell them what's wrong. I can't tell them... It would destroy everything...

"El Tigre" is stuck in my mind for some reason. But that could be the episode of "Community" I watched last night lol

If you are talking about suicide, I hope most of these comments get through to you in time to see that there are people concerned about you. I don't know what is going on in your life to make you feel this way. We all have our own inner demons to battle, but if you kill yourself you aren't even giving yourself a fighting chance at happiness. You know what comes after the suicide? nothing, because you are no longer a factor in anyone's life equation, not even your own. There are people who live every second of their lives in pain and devastation all around the world, but they still find something to keep them going. There has to be something to keep you going. Even if it's just the support and knowledge that these strangers do care even if they don't know your name or even your eye color. However, if by "unplug" you mean to just disconnect from the Webb to allow yourself some quiet time of reflection, then I wish you the best of luck! I personally have not been apart of ANY social media network outside of Pinterest and Etsy and it can be very relaxing to get away from the screens. I hope you are still here to fight the good fight! But if we are too late, RIP...