Deziree

I called off both Edmund and Tom. They weren't providing any worksheets or attending meetings. My work has barely begun. I get turned off by laziness. I have plans for next year. I want to study harder.

.......

I have decided to call off my visit with Edmund. He is not a right fit for me. Plus he is going on vacation for a month. That's not acceptable. I have barely begun my program with him and it has been only 2 meetings so far. It would lead to a huge gap and lack of continuity. So I found Ian. Let's see how it goes. My first meeting with Ian is next week.

The mirror principle. https://youtu.be/Ic6e1zCfUC4?si=CqM35YT5G3-51iEw

Sometimes I don't even feel connected to reality. But it's not like I don’t really feel what I feel. It could be something like blanking out. Maybe directionless. Or it could be not experiencing pleasure while watching people smile or flowers in a garden. Emotion needs to exist to form strong memory. Feeling like an outsider looking into my own life. Interactions are only due to obligation. I really did not feel much of a sensation if I remember those times I had these phases of dissociation.

Dissociation is strong during anxiety episodes.

Your emotional operating system has encountered a fatal flaw. I like how he put that.

This is hilariously scary

Not really funny but..

I have a meeting with Ed tomorrow. I will be discussing my hoarding issues. So far Ed has helped me. But it's been only 2 meetings. My family has been very supportive so far. I take cold showers regularly. I have to reconfigure my diet. But things are still good. Better than before. I have to configure my career plan by mid January. I would want a teaching job or maybe something art related. I have to tackle my problems one by one. It won't be easy. There are behavioral issues, some spiritual emptiness, psychological issues and health issues along with career insecurity. Once I fix these I will focus on fixing relationships.

December 3 2025. I have a meeting with my university counsellor. Both Ed and Thomas are awesome. I have a bunch of stuff to do. Winter is here and going on walks has been a challenge especially after recovering from the flu. Emotional instability has been a huge thing lately.

say these 5 things every morning.

1. What moments in my life have felt sacred, even if they weren’t traditionally “spiritual”? Describe what made them feel meaningful or deeply alive. 2. When do I feel most connected to something larger than myself — nature, humanity, God, the universe, my own intuition? What does that connection feel like in my body and heart? 3. What does ‘inner guidance’ or intuition feel like inside me? How can I differentiate it from fear, wishful thinking, or overthinking? 4. How has my understanding of spirituality evolved over the years? What beliefs, rituals, or questions have stayed with me? 5. Write about a time when life felt guided as if things aligned beyond logic. What happened? How did it make you feel about life’s deeper intelligence? 6. What spiritual questions live quietly inside me? Not the ones I feel pressured to answer but the ones my soul is genuinely curious about. 7. If spirituality was not about religion, rules, or perfection — but about presence, love, and awareness — what would it look like in my daily life? 8. What is my personal definition of “soul”? Where do I feel its presence — in emotions, creativity, silence, longing, love? 9. What role does trust play in my spiritual path? Where do I struggle to surrender, and where do I naturally flow? 10. What kind of spiritual nourishment do I genuinely crave? Stillness? Community? Nature? Poetry? Prayer? Meaning? Healing? 11. What is one spiritual practice (formal or informal) that has actually shifted something inside me? How did it subtly change how I see myself or life? 12. How do I experience the divine not in theory, but in real life moments? In kindness? Silence? Beauty? Grief? Love? 13. What part of me feels most hungry for connection, purpose, or deeper meaning? What might it be asking for? 14. Write a letter from your ‘Higher Self’ the wise, compassionate part of you to your everyday self. What does it want you to remember? 15. Is it possible that spirituality isn’t about becoming something — but remembering something? What might I be remembering?

Just exploring the space around me. Little by little. Breathe in breathe out. Just begin.

November 27, 2025 I have to be ready to make little changes in my life everyday to make myself feel secure. Today is the day perhaps.

November 23, 2025. 🌀 1. Synchronicities as a living Dialogue Have I ever felt that life was sending me signs or messages? Describe one such experience in detail. How did it make me feel? Do I believe these moments were coincidence, or something more? Why? If synchronicities were a form of guidance, what might they be trying to tell me? How do I usually respond when something uncannily meaningful happens? Do I dismiss it, or allow it to speak to me? ⚖️ 2. The Transcendent Function (Holding Two Truths at Once) Can I remember a time where I felt two opposite emotions at the same time (e.g., joy and grief, love and pain)? What did that experience teach me? Where in my life am I still stuck in “either/or” thinking (right/wrong, good/bad, success/failure)? What would happen if I allowed both sides to exist without forcing a decision? Write about a situation where holding both truths gave me wisdom, strength, or depth. 🌙 3. Dreams as Direct Transmissions from the Self Recall a dream that stayed with you. Describe it in detail. What felt emotionally significant or symbolic about it? Did any dream ever feel like guidance, warning, or revelation? What impact did it have on you? If your inner wisdom (or “Self”) could speak to you through a dream — what message would it give you right now? What themes, symbols, or repeated patterns keep showing up in your dreams or daily life? 👁️ 4. Ego-Self Axis Reorganization When do I feel most identified with my ego (roles, fears, insecurities, status, appearance)? Can I describe a moment where I felt more connected to my higher self, witnessing life instead of being lost in it? In what situations does my ego try to control things? What happens when I let go and trust instead? If my ego is not the master, but a tool — what is its healthy role in my life? 🌌 5. Living Mythologically (Seeing Life as Archetypal) If my life were a myth or symbolic story, what archetype am I currently living (seeker, healer, warrior, wounded child, sage, lover, rebirth, etc.)? What challenge in my life might actually be a rite of passage or spiritual initiation in disguise? Do I feel sometimes that my life is part of something bigger than me? What moments made me feel this? If my soul chose this life story for growth — what lesson might it be trying to learn? 🌱 Integration & Self-Reflection Which of these five experiences do I resonate with the most right now? Why? Which experience scares me, fascinates me, or calls to me? How has my perception of life and self changed in the past 5 years? Is it becoming more spiritually aware? Does this feel like just knowledge, or does it feel like something happening within me? 📅 A 5-week spiritual reflection journaling challenge 🎨 A personal spiritual awakening tracker (like a timeline of inner evolution)

It could be we are one soul. Not necessarily one mind. If you catch the drift.

Values check-in What values did I uphold today, and in which moments did I stray from them? How can I better align my actions with my core beliefs tomorrow? Learning corner What did I learn today — about myself, others, or the world around me? Interaction insight Which interaction today left the most significant impact on me? Was it positive or negative, and why? Dreams and desires What is one thing I deeply desire, and what steps can I take tomorrow toward achieving it? Barriers and solutions What obstacles did I face today, and how did I overcome them? If I didn’t, what can I do differently next time?

I tried 360mg magnesium glycinate and I suffered severe stomach pain. So I stopped it.

Yes. One consciousness. awesome.

The “hostile crowd” represents the parts of yourself that feel betrayed, ignored, or unloved.

I thought we were all consciousness. Infinite streams.