Deziree

5th. "move into more lively stuff, meet doctors, meet people who care"... When new doors open, new things are pleasant to your eyes, like a road trip, something that gets your energy moving into a positive energy, seeing animals perhaps, seeing beautiful imagery, just imagining a beautiful lively living, how is that for a change instead of just festering and fretting around the negative circle that keeps gnawing at you. Meeting doctors and meeting people who deeply care brings a completely different shift in perspective versus dealing with complete strangers and mostly predatory people around. I'll call them "insensitive stock. A lot of them.

4th. attain closure through commenting and rumination, perhaps negative rumination. This helps a bit. Because you feel like punching a pillow. You feel that thrust of anger. That foaming at the mouth. You wanna get back at someone who was unfair to you but you don't know how. Active negative rumination. That's the key. Throw punches in the air. Throw imaginary punches. Find fodder to punch at. Develop sarcastic humor. Disect and criticize as much as you can. Call out. Take shots at. Insert dark humor. Find something to punch at. Think like you're criticizing a politician. Be systematic. Slowly degrade step by step. Although this is not a very spiritual thing to do, it's something you should do to shut that negative noise. Sometimes this also takes the form of barfing. Degrade illogically, even if it appears like you got no clue what you're talking about. Still do it. Because you're dealing with an opponent. Not an enemy. Enemy might be a strong word. You're dealing with an opponent.

Sometimes you can feel the difference between socio-emotional states. The kind of feeling that people around you give you. But you need to develop a thick skin. You cannot be internalizing all the shit that people throw at you all the time. There's body language, there's tone, there's behaviour, all that counts.. Do you understand how humans interact, and there's a pattern to it. These patterns are deeply woven into the human fabric. It will take years to decode social mannerisms and understand the true motivation and intent beneath. You know what's good. Just losing it all behind and forever moving on from that gutter into better more lively stuff. It's just mistreatment. Discrimination. Unfairness. All of the above and there's a thread of disparity that runs beneath it. I want to be better at decoding body language. I have recently discovered several patterns that I need to incorporate moving forward now, one is "read your own book"... Second is "develop thick skin"..... "attain closure through commenting and rumination, perhaps negative rumination "..... Third is "move into more lively stuff, meet doctors, meet people who care"... Fourth is "feel deeply appreciated yourself first and foremost" how does that feel? Just knowing that you are actually appreciated. A new beginning eh? These are self esteem uplifting patterns. Fifth is find alternative means of communication. Sixth is "mostly keep to yourself." Seventh is "decode body language early on".... Seventh is "seek peace in your energy in whatever manner possible." 8th will be "don't move or rattle your peaceful energy, keep it strong and focused, don't let it be disrupted by outside forces"... 9th will be "how to respond to so and so" different people need different responses. It's easy to get emotional when you see people around you saying different things at you,to you, rather than with you. You have to be able to carefully differentiate that. Make preparatory sentences on how to respond rather than react. Reacting is like a fist fight, punches thrown, it's easy and it's the most impulsive thing to do. But responding is sort of getting closure and clapbacking and off loading at the same time. So have the patience to respond with as much as sarcasm as possible, be careful not to gaslight though, you don't want to be a devil here or a smart marketer, you just want to put up a brave defensive front with grace of course. So here's the run down 1st. Read your own book. Float in your own energy. Because this feels more comfortable. Remember interaction is exchange of energy and not meant for the sensitive heart. 2nd. Develop thick skin 3rd. Resolve internal conflict. There might be a desire to avoid internal conflict and seek it elsewhere. Might be a disturbing thing to dive into. But when the internal system is a bit conflicted, confused, unstable or just plain internally weak, this internal weakness is very easy to pry into, it's very easy to rattle this core energy because there's no firmness to it. This energy becomes very "predatory attractive" or very volatile, fertile and very luring to predatory energies. It's vulnerable, soft like butter for a hot knife to cut through it. So it's easy to just feel like you're falling apart with the slightest of negativity. It's already hard to deal with negative predatory energies in and of itself and if you are even mildly sensitive, it gets much harder to get past that. So yes resolve your core internal energy, internal conflict, don't be soft like butter. Also the desire to avoid internal conflict diminishes as you begin to feel more peace with yourself. You will distract yourself from inner conflict because it's hard to handle it. You will also distract yourself from inner conflict if it's too conflicting or too strong or too stubborn like a tsunami floating inside. It's like a wound. If the wound gets worse and worse, and if you cannot cure it, you just abandon it. That's a human tendency. We do the same thing with emotional wounds.

Came back from the hospital. Everything is fine fir now. Thinking of the man living in my apartment who is my fruend now. He has an air of superiority about him. Almost everything he looks down upon. You might wonder why. They are born that way. Just a shallow cheap way of looking at life. He will pit one woman against another, classic game playing eh! His surplus energy keeps moving. Dive tailing. Presumably his ego. His ego just cannot be satisfied. It's just whimsical at best. Kena must be living holed up in his apartment, utterly miserable, always wishing everyone just worshipped him. But never getting enough. He never likes anyone at all. He assumes humanity is very shallow, just nothing to appreciate there. He loves playing with computers. Smart guy. I wish I had half if his brain. He never looks like a psychopath but acts like one.. I just have to comb through his thoughts. If I get too close to him, I might suffer a burn, not good for me psychologically speaking. He has the uncanny ability of gaslighting in his mannerisms.

funny.

Took my family member for a scan and regular check to a hospital right now. Just waiting anxiously. I just want holistics from now on.

Aye, Leo is more like the Russell Brand of spirituality.

So holistic.

I feel like eating meatballs.

Do certain people make me feel unwanted? A definite yes, including my own family. I will have to look up some YouTube videos on how to deal with passive aggression. A kind of aggression that's not acutely visible on top. But you still kinda feel it underneath, like a current flowing, like subdued gestures, you just know it, it's not that warm, for someone dealing with trauma, this can feel barren and escalating, they can react strongly. It can be off putting. You just need your own closure, what happens when people laugh at your evpense, or when you get dogged around for nothing. Or worse when you don't feel accepted.

I took some antibiotics today. Been feeling off and fighting an infection.

Today my ironing guy passed away. He is missed.

You shouldn't have to be this way. You don't need to be that way. You have to be your authentic self. I know negativity is just so hard to beat. Sometimes you just feel like you are on your own, right? Yea it does. Genuine people just don't act that way. Family members just act weird around me. And I have to forcefully keep a smile on. Which, obviously, I do not like. Because, maybe maybe, I'm not the most awkward person, yet, I get pissed off too little too fast. Just calm. Think of all the good things that are worth appreciating. Not the bad stuff. In your mind rejection has to be strong, stronger than anything. It's just that certain kinds of people make me sick.

Do you think you are radical enough?

People's opinions still affect a lot. I think this is just being a part of a commune, it goes hand in hand. But I have learned an important lesson. Take in what comes in, graciously, little moments, people without an ego, be around humble folks, let go what doesn't belong to you. Deal with that unbelongingness, remember you can't change people, they are what they are, sometimes reading people's opinions is just nauseating, kinda vicious and lacking in understanding of the sensitive state of mind, let go then, there will always be that pitting against one another, social stuff, it's hard to integrate in a commune where opportunities are never given, let go once again, think about better opportunities, bigger wider doors, matured people who are level headed. Read between the lines. Genuine people always want to read the room and make sure that nobody feels uncomfortable or incomplete.

I need to start taking Vitamin D from today. Exercised a bit today, not much. Just jogging. Build that mindset. Get going.

Matt Kahns forum. Don't know if it's still active.

What about taking Vitamin D, start making changes today.

Interesting discussion on vitamin D causing time dilation. Didn't know that. I have another hospital visit today. And two more to schedule next week. Don't want to get into too much detail but yea regular health checks.

Spiritual Resonance As the cosmic energies align, we journey through the luminous veil of awakened consciousness. Embrace the vibrational frequency of universal love, allowing your essence to merge with the boundless flow of divine intention. Within the sacred geometry of the soul, we unlock ancient wisdom, transcending the illusion of separateness. the Clare Graves & Spiral Dynamics theory (which I felt was so accurate in the first tier) from the perspective as a yellow, what is the transitional dilemma and what is aqua like? So, I'm pretty scared of over-raking myself, but I feel like I am a yellow - I have done a lot of self seeking for years now, and when watching Leo's Clare Graves & Spiral Dynamics, I could follow the system right up to yellow, and I could see in my life how I went from blue, orange, green, yellow. I do associate myself with yellow quite a lot when hearing about their qualities, but as to what might be next seems alien to me, and what aqua could be for me. I want to aim to change myself for the better (obviously), but is there any advice for yellow except to be open minded (which is working really well lately)? I have read about aqua but I'm not too sure about what I read - even the other colours seemed off in their descriptions. Here is my theory, Yellow is like enlightenment.1 in which you realize your ego, gain a strong and real sense of losing the self, seeing life as the pure-experience it is just in this moment. But, at this stage, as to what reality actually is, is still a bit of a mystery - and studying about quantim physics and science in general doesn't help that much. This seems to be where I am at I would say, and although I am learning new realizations steeply (as compared to before), I cannot tell where this is leading, and I just feel a bit lost as to what I should be changing into with these new realizations. Aqua is like enlightenment.2, as a common example, what people say Buddha would have reached. This would be complete connection with reality (I have heard that is a theme). The brain should have some physical limit as to its comprehension, there must be a limit somewhere right This was sort of hard to communicate with language but I hope that is clear and all.

Tomorrow another hospital visit. A regular check up.

Yea good points.

Absorbing news hasn't been the best thing lately.

Some of the people I know went to California today. It does raise my anxiety around the whole California protest thing.

Makeup is not a about art or beauty. It's about hiding flaws, perfecting the face to beauty standards, looking better, basically covering up what one would look like without it. Because for a lot of women, the bare face doesn't look good, at least in their own eyes not satisfactory enough so they try to make it look better. This is basically covering up. It says it - make up.