riplo

Day 17 “The artist committing himself to his calling has volunteered for hell, whether he knows it or not. He will be dining for the duration on a diet of isolation, rejection, self-doubt, despair, ridicule, contempt, and humiliation.” ― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art So I've been in Chiang Mai for the past week Lots of stuff has happened. Just to rattle off some events: I am semi part of hostel life. Have made many friends and acquaintances I went to a drag show. I got pulled out of the crowd onto the stage, shirt off, grinded on, whipped, mock oral sex, etc in front of 200 people. It was great Went out to a UKG rave solo, danced for 2h straight and had fun despite being scared at first Went to a jazz club with a Taiwanese influencer and hypnotherapist Among many, did a badass spontaneous cold approach on a group of 2 girls and 1 guy and ended up going on a date that kinda failed (will explain in a future post) Went Mui Thai with my hostel, also to some waterfalls, other excursions Starting to get abs now from gym and eating healthily But really, all my days are the same I feel closed and antisocial, but I bring myself to go into these social situations / cold approaches anyway. Often I succeed in acting despite fear, and it feels good. But often the fear is too much and I back out, and I end up by myself feeling bad. If I have enough presence, I meet these lows in a conscious and productive way - journalling, observing, studying personal development material, etc. Sometimes I succumb to avoidance strategies, to distract myself from this pain - porn, youtube, etc. Sometimes I'll already be with people when I feel the negativity washing over. Usually I make myself stay, and watch this all unfurl within me to the best of my ability. I've have had many 'aha moments', which I will share. There's going to be a big gap between my experience of these insights, and the experience of anyone reading them here. Reminds me of Leo's levels of understanding video. Because I got these from experience, from reconciling parts of my worldview etc, they are more meaningful to me, having 'lived them', than they will be to you. Also, these insights are not something I can have once and be done. Despite having 'realised' them, I haven't integrated them into my life. Bad habits creeping back in When I first got here, it was easy for me to maintain good practices and stay away from distractions. Now I have been here a while I notice it's getting difficult again. The novelty has worn off. A strong, specific, emotionally resonant vision for who I can become will help me here. I don't fully have that yet which is dumb. Be present always Despite having meditated for years, till now, I haven't made an intention to be present continuously every moment of the day. I have this intention now. Some days it seems like I've spent 60% of the day present. Which is crazy. Without an increase in awareness I have no hope of seeing all the crazy shit my mind throws at me. Taking a more professional attitude The War of Art says you beat Resistance by becoming a 'professional', taking on a serious yet detached attitude towards the work. That is what I have tried to do with socialising. First off, focus. I didn't really come out here to travel and have fun. I came to grow in a specific way. That is what gives me most satisfaction and makes life feel meaningful. I will stay focused, plan my trip around growth and socialising primarily, rather than having fun or chilling or anything else. This may sound overly harsh, but it doesn't feel harsh to me. It feels mature and inspiring. Next, discipline. A week ago I set the goal that no matter how bad I feel, whenever I enter or leave my hostel, I will meet at least one new person. And every time I leave, I will do at least 3 approaches. This was a great idea, I do it automatically now. Also, I changed my mediation practice to fit better with the work. Every day morning and evening for 20m, 'do nothing' mediation primarily. I have decided this technique specifically will help me but it's long to explain why. Next, detachment (this is one I am still working on) "The pro stands at one remove from her instrument - meaning her person, her body, her voice, her talent; the physical, mental, emotional, and psychological being she uses in her work. She does not identify with this instrument. It is simply what God gave her, what she has to work with. She assesses it coolly, impersonally, objectively. The professional identifies with her consciousness and her will, not with the matter that her consciousness and will manipulate to serve her." - Stephen Pressfield I find socialising difficult because I am overly identified with my instrument. When I face rejection, it's not my approach that was rejected, it was 'me', and it hurts. What is my instrument? What is it I can train daily with right practice, yet remain detached from? My instrument: My body language, words, facial expressions, jokes How people react to me How sexual I feel, my emotions, how closed or open I feel, how good in my body The content of my thoughts, the rationalisations and excuses that come up in my mind, the desires to avoid and hide My hardwired limiting beliefs and insecurities Any way that I show up physically and emotionally None of this is within my control, yet I guilt myself, get angry and take it all so personally when this doesn't go how I want it to What I can control: Walking up and doing the approach in the moment when I feel fear Staying in though I feel uncomfortable Going for the number, the kiss, the pull Doing this consistently, again and again over weeks and months Choosing whether to believe my resistance when it comes up with distractions, or stay focused Mediating and getting good sleep every day Staying in Self, greeting whatever parts and emotions come up with consciousness and love and understanding If I can realise what I've written here at a deep level and actually live it, then problem solved Connection practice My therapist recommended me a good practice, goes like this: I am always both disconnected and connected to others When I feel disconnected, like other people know each other and don't want me there, my fearful parts are feeling into something real. It's not nothing, it really can be an emotional, energetic field shared between the group that my 'field' is excluded from. Ok, yet I am always also connected. Just by being in the same room, our fields are overlapping, and I can feel this connectedness if I want to. So, when I feel disconnected, don't repress it. Expand awareness to fully include this scared part. Then expand it further to feel into the feeling of connectedness. When the part and the connection are there together in awareness, the part can see for itself that it's connected, it's not alone, and it can heal. I find this difficult to do in practice but I am working at it. Dealing with a specific fear The other day I was out approaching when I ran into a specific old fear. What if I approach a girl, it goes badly and she turns out to be in my hostel. She tells everyone how creepy I am and I become a social outcast. I tried to push through by reminding myself how low probability this is. I even did a calculation: (people at my hostel / travellers in Chiang Mai) x (% it goes badly) x (% I will see her again) x (% she tells others) haha. It came out at under 1%. But the fear was still there and I kept missing approaches. I sat down and began asking myself how I can deal with this. I realised I was trying to repress the fear, and fight it with other parts. I tried really understanding it and feeling into it, and ended up acknowledging that it is a valid fear to have, however small. The way I overcame it wasn't by dismissing it as low probability, but by reminding the part that worst comes to worst, Self is here. Even if I become a social outcast (whatever that means), I am 27 years old. I am here. I can handle it. Something clicked again. This is the way to deal with such fears. Acknowledge, feel, understand. Seek first to understand and then to be understood. And then trust that I can handle it anyway and act with the fear still there. Sexual mask part Last week I saw an interesting part emerge. I was talking to an attractive girl, she was introverted but I think she was into me, though there wasn't any man to woman stuff going on. I saw how even though I was attracted, something was cutting me off from this. My whole lower body felt vaguely numb. I didn't take it further, left the conversation early, then felt bad. I investigated this with IFS later that day. I lay watching sex tapes I made with my girlfriend, watching for any guilt or shame or constriction arising in my body. I found it, a vague feeling of sadness. I greeted it with compassion, and tried asking it questions, why was it sad, what does it want me to know, etc. I got some very confused answers out, the following is from my journal: Do I feel shame about sex? - Yes. Why? I want to understand why I am sad. - I am here for you - I feel sadness - Unloved, isolated, wanting to be included but not being, not shame or guilt, just sadness, grief - A clutching in the throat, feel like I will cry, resignation, hopeless and being alone - Wanting someone them to love me and knowing they don't, and feeling alone and unable to talk to anyone about it - 12yo lying in bed in Poland thinking about how they don't love me - 13yo being in a relationship with Sim and realising she doesn't like me - Protectors closing up again over the sadness and the tenderness, but with a sense of exhaustion and dullness - Not wanting to do this job, wanting to rest - Like a slave going back to work, resigned to the fact that this is his whole life, work work work, he will never be free, he has done it a million times and this is his life, a dull, drowning exhaustion - Why do you feel you have to do this? ○ That is my job, my responsibility - why do you feel you have to do this job forever? ○ I get almost no answer that feels valid ○ There is no alternative where it doesn't do this, this part doesn't think about any alternative, it's job is singular. To mask over and shield the pain and the vulnerable tender parts Whenever I do stuff like this I put it into ChatGPT and ask for its opinion. It's analysis was great. I assumed masking of sex was about guilt and shame, so went looking for that. But what I found instead was attachment grief. This develops when as a child, you needed emotional closeness or reassurance and didn't get it reliably, so you learned not to expect it and handle things on your own. The grief and pain of this harsh 'lesson' sits with you forever just beneath the surface. It was a surprise to feel this within me. I have never been in touch with this part or seriously considered it intellectually. This part sees wanting sex as wanting love, so masking isn't about sexual shame, it's protection from reliving that experience, which is really very innocent and pure. Needing love and not getting it. I don't know how to heal this part or give it the love it wants. But I have faith that when I am ready it will reveal itself to me again and it can be healed. This is real shit, real trauma work that I have never engaged in till now. As I write this, I realise again that this is where the work is. In bringing love into myself and my life. All the other things I am doing mean nothing without love. This is all within myself Every fear and limit I have is inside myself. Criticism and judgement from others is just a mouthpiece for my internal resistance. With love, I can heal all my fears, grow through all my limits, and be free, able to love and live the life I want. I catch myself so focused on the external when really I am working with my own mind, always. If you don't go within, you go without. Kind regards <3

@MaxVHell yeah man I wish you luck. It's my first time travelling properly also. I feel like I have grown faster out here than I have in years, I'm sure you'll find the same @Butters I have mad fear of flying too. I watch lots of air crash analysis on youtube. Probably doesn't help lol @Lyubov The air quality in Bangkok and Chiang Mai is awful. You can actually feel it stopping you breathing properly as you walk down the street. I would recommend getting a PM2.5 mask for walking down busy roads, you can pick em up in 7-11

NA saved my life from drug addiction I don't know your situation, but in my experience: Many people there are closed, dogmatic, worried about survival, narcissistic and still addicted to various things. That is because they are normal average people and that is what a lot of normal average people are like. Thinking you are better than everyone is itself part of the spiritual disease called addiction. NA basically gives you back what you put in. If you open yourself and try and look for the love and wisdom in NA you will find it. If you speak openly and vulnerably about your experience and your feelings, you will find others who relate. If you humble yourself actually follow the advice of those who have succeeded in getting clean it usually works. If you didn't like the person leading that meeting, try and find another if possible. There are 1000s around the world. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. It's a hard road, easy does it 😉

Day 10 I will be posting less often, every 2-4 days. The past few days have been so beautiful. Not on the outside but on the inside. The fears and self doubt I have faced and overcome. The inspiration and love I have felt. The motivation I have dug for and found. There is too much to write so I'll just select a few juicy bits. I am settling in now. Made lots of friends at this hostel I'm in and have been going out on excursions with them. My sleep is still fucking me up. I'm going to take even more responsibility for it and do everything I can to sleep well from now on. I have some ideas. Yesterday morning I had an insight that will change my life going forward (unless I forget it) Goes like this: Reading the War of Art (must read book for anyone trying to do anything like this) and the IFS book something clicked: - I am deeply scared of fear and resistance itself, and see it as wrong - When I go out, I'm not just confronting Resistance in making the decision to go out. I'm confronting it in every approach, every new set, every awkward moment when I want to eject, every hour spent at the club, every time I start worrying what people think of me - For the past few months, I have seen this as bad: 'I have done this so many times! Why do I feel like shit?! There must be something wrong with me, I can't do it in this state, I need to heal first, I need better sleep, I can't handle being out here when I'm like this, I need to be happy' - This a mental model that sees fear and resistance as bad, and resists it. What you resist persists - Such fear and resistance is not a sign of something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. It's an inevitable part of growing - The approach is to accept it and act with it still inside me, accepting being miserable and that's ok - It's not a bug, it's a feature - Trying to get rid of it in order to be happy is simply an incorrect view of what growth is like - This squares with IFS. Rather than telling my scared parts they are wrong for feeling what they feel, I unblend and accept and fully feel the fear, and act with it, rather than trying to repress it - This is why I got more success with, and had more fun doing, game from month 3 to 6, because I got some skills, while accepting fear and resistance was inevitable and kept pushing through endlessly. At some point I decided 'I should be above feeling this fear' and that's when it got difficult. Bang and just like that, I have changed my whole view of what this journey will look like, and began taking more action. Yesterday I made friends with everyone at my hostel and went out with them to a bar. Cycled through many states of feeling open and social then scared closed and like a loser talking to no-one. But I stayed for the whole thing, feeling the resistance in my body and knowing that this is growth. I chose to volunteer for Karaoke. Sung I Miss You blink182 by myself, in a state of total fear. It was god awful, awkward, cringeworthy, all the drunk happy people actually left the dance floor together halfway through, my friends sat away not looking hahahaha. I got off that microphone feeling like I had shredded my reputation, it felt bad, I was shaking. But deep down I got satisfaction knowing I had faced resistance and come out the other side. I did a bit of night game after and it was great. I did some more tonight and it felt good too. It feels tantalising, I want more! Many other things happened. Small things, that felt meaningful and beautiful. I'm excited for what is to come. “Remember, the Muse favors working stiffs. She hates prima donnas.” — Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

@Butters For sure man. Wishing you success 🙏 Day 8 Following something_else' advice I have moved to a not party hostel. This is exactly what I needed. Party hostels I will return to once I have regained some stability. I'm so grateful for my friends and family back home. They are so loving, so accepting, wise and honest and funny and thoughtful. Some quotes from Conversations with God that keep swirling in mind: reaction vs creation - the only difference is the c, so reaction from past experience can become creation of new experience when you c (see) clearly I'm trying to be present and look around, so I can see these social situations for what they really are. If I can really see them as they are, Vs what my conditioned mind projects onto them, I can move past fear and choose a new way of acting. If you don't go within, you go without There's a difference between what is Natural and what is Normal. Normal is just something commonly done. Natural is what you are when you're not trying to be normal. I tell you this: nothing is more natural than love

Day 7 It has dawned on me that what I am doing here is true spirituality, or at least truer than I have ever done till now. It is one thing to stay connected to presence, to being, to the body, to remain as the witness, when you're on a meditation cushion, safe somewhere alone in a room. It is another to stay connected to it, to try and bring it into your thoughts word and action, when you're out there, constantly scared and reacting, mind and body going crazy, shit flying everywhere.

It's Day 6 - Currently on the plane to Chiang Mai After 4 nights of bad sleep, so bad that I was entering paranoid delusion (as discussed) I still couldn't sleep on Day 5 night. I ended up getting only 3h. I followed all the rules of good sleep hygiene. Wake up 11.30-1.30 No caffeine after 2pm No naps Get back to private room 2.30am, deeply exhausted already Low light and f.lux on phone Meditate stretch or read before bed Earplugs, eye mask, coldish room In bed at 3.30 Lie down doing slow breaths and body scans And every night I would lie there with my heart beating quickly, in a state of fight of flight for literally 4h+ without being able to relax fully or sleep. One night I meditated lying down motionless for 2h before getting angry and moving. I did not expect my body to have such a reaction to this place. My mind and soul felt healthy and capable, but my body had it's own reaction. Looking back, it makes sense. New food, heat, bacteria, humidity, noise, chaos, bed, and new social environment in like 5 different ways. It reminds me of when you get a new cat. You have to put it in a room and just expect it to hide for 5 days no matter how comfortable you make it's new environment. It's nervous system needs to adjust, no way to rush it. Looking back I would have gotten myself a peaceful airbnb alone for 3 days before going to a party hostel. Part of me was afraid I would close up socially on this trip, so overreacted by throwing me straight in the most uncomfortable social environment I could imagine. Acting out of such unconscious fears often backfires. Anyway day 5 I kept it quiet and chill, I was just stopping myself falling asleep and giving my body a feeling of comfort and safety. Spent most of the day alone, doing tourist stuff. Rode around on a boat, got a full 1h massage. Then guess what, I went to hostel dinner again on Day 5. Made small talk and stayed all the way to the drinking game I went crazy about on day 4. Turns out, it wasn't even a drinking game. It was just some game throwing balls around on a pool table. I played with everyone and despite being tired it was fun. So that whole thing yesterday, that felt like a life and death situation requiring jumping out the window, was actually completely fictional and had zero grounding in reality. Then finally last night, I got a full 9h sleep. It felt so good, like finding water in the desert. I still feel kind of strange, but generally conscious and much better than yesterday. I'm excited for chiang mai!!! Also one of the girls working at the hostel was so fucking hot... it's just shocking

@something_else Appreciate your hard won wisdom man! Thank you sir or madame🫡 Drugs and alcohol is no problem. Haven't touched it in 6 years by now

@fopylo Are you still in Thailand brother?

@Lyubov Yep I feel you. It's a whole new energy out here in every sense. I don't think there is a way to fast forward through your body and mind and soul adjusting to it all. Hope you're handling it well 🙏 It's day 4 baby So much stuff is happening I struggle to condense it down. I'm going to try and keep this journal more tight. Every day I am getting more comfortable and confident. Guess my nervous system is adjusting and there's no way to rush that. It does take days. Day 1: hostel dinner sitting alone + 4 mini approaches DG Day 2: shared dinner chatting for 10m with some quiet people in the corner + genuine few hours of approaching Day 3: shared dinner talking with 2 girls for 20m + a full day of DG and Ng Day 4: Did a full game sesh all day and night yesterday with a wing I met off gameglobal. One my second day meeting him imagine my shock when we're talking and turns out he is super into actualized.org, has followed Leo for 10y, has the spiral dynamics chart as his phone background!! What a beautiful and wonderful gift from the universe. Thanks universe ❤️ If you're reading this friend, I'll see you soon I'm sure 😉 No success with game but boy did I try. My NG in loud loud clubs still kinda sucks still compared to my DG. I felt myself enter that juicy flow state for a while yesterday. I'm sure there'll be more of it. The dinner Today at hostel dinner I had an intense experience. I put my journal notes into chatgpt and the summary is below: (they are too long and meandering raw) Fourth night of bad sleep Nervous system completely fried, on edge, fragile Didn't feel able to access my wit and social intelligence I felt defenceless Going down to the shared dinner felt genuinely scary Felt like walking into danger, not a social situation Once I was there, something unexpected happened I was: relaxed, socially fluid, laughing, talking easily, talking to lots of people, could see women getting attracted I felt charming and present Clear proof that I can handle myself socially, which I have a million times and 'should' know by now Important: what came later was not about lack of ability The drinking game and the fear After dinner, a large public drinking game started Around 40 people, microphones, attention, spectacle In the moment, without thinking it through, I signed myself up I don’t drink As the reality landed, a powerful fear response switched on I began getting scared that they would call me out for not drinking Infront of the group, ask 'why are you at a party hostel etc' and in my fried state I wouldn't be able to defend myself, stutter and stumble in public The core fear: being unable to defend myself verbally infront of a group of hostile people I disappeared quietly into my room The fear escalated fast I wanted to leave, but leaving meant walking past everyone, past the friends I'd just made I started spiralling I felt trapped in my room Mind looping through: being discovered being exposed being dragged out publicly 'hey this guy's hiding, he's scared, grab him!! pull him out!!' kinda shit Complete delusional paranoia for 10m Few minutes later I heard my name was called over the microphone, Terror spiked instantly I imagined people banging on my door looking for me I began seriously planning: hiding in toilets climbing out the window on my second floor Any escape felt acceptable This wasn’t embarrassment This was survival panic After a while, lying there alone on my bed feeling the fear rushing, I decided it was an opportunity for Internal Family Systems, got present to my body sensations, pulled out OneNote (thanks Leo) Analysis A strong protector came fully online in my vulnerable state Not subtle, not negotiable Its job: prevent public exposure, avoid loss of control in front of groups How it sees people: potential threats, judges of rank and status Its core fear: being forced to speak under pressure, stuttering, freezing, being laughed at publicly, being defenceless in front of groups Its logic: exposure = annihilation weakness = being seen trying and failing witnesses make it permanent It operates on fight or flight survival: survival > honesty survival > dignity Any avoidance is justified if annihilation feels possible This part formed early: secondary school era public humiliation speech failure But it’s also older than that: mammalian pre-verbal evolved for real danger, when being outcast meant death, when being seen as weak could mean a loss in status in the monkey group It is not protecting ego or pride It is protecting: my ability to remain a person in front of others social existence itself It would not step aside and let me access the trauma it was protecting. I was ok with that The moment of integration and bliss As I began thinking about how survival oriented this whole thing was, feeling the animalistic terror right there in my body, I connected it to this book on monkeys I was reading and suddnely began seeing the beauty of it all. This fear is how animals survive. I am an animal, it's trying to keep me alive. It is right here, I can literally feel it and how effective and powerful it is I saw it as: intelligent necessary ancient survival-driven I understood that it exists for life-and-death survival That its logic is correct for the world it evolved in That it has kept me alive When this fully landed, something clicked. This wasn't weak embarrassing or crazy. This was fundamentally good, and actually amazing. A wave of emotion rushed through me and tears came It felt like: recognition relief awe beauty The part registered: “I am not wrong for existing” Afterwards I felt: calm, grounded, blissful, deeply okay, energy, presence, connected to my sexuality Nothing needed fixing Something had been honoured I went out with this energy and began speaking to people. It flowed beautifully. It feels like the afterglow after psychedelics when you come back to your body and it feels good to be human, be an animal, be alive The energy is amazing. I'm sure there's a yoga kriya explanation for this but I don't have it I think I genuinely integrated a part of my psyche. Turns out terrible sleep can be a wonderful gift.

Not sure if mentioned already but for history nerds: Sean Munger is incredible. I watch a lot of history videos and podcasts but his are by far the best. Intricated, hours long, extremely context heavy, kind of amazing that you get these for free.

I slept terribly for the 3rd day in a row. I'm tired, anxious and unable to perform well socially, my voice is anxious and stuttery and I can't be funny and sharp like I usually am. At first glance it seems like this would seem like a bad thing, like it would ruin my ability to pull, to socialise well, to have others like me, to use my mind to get what I want, to approach groups in a confident and flawless way. This is all true, it may impede my ability to pull, it makes social interaction scarier, it makes me feel less safe to be uncertain in my ability to perform well Infront of people. But really, and luckily, the deep change I'm looking for is beyond this. It's about dropping the need to perform, dropping the comfort blanket of having people approve of me, and finding safety and a center in something deeper. My growth is found in holding a steady image of who I choose to be in my own mind, in dropping fake shit, in presence, and in doing social things even though they are scary. One day I've slept well and approaching a group of 3 hot girls is 8/10 scary. I do it and I get 8/10 growth. Another day I've slept badly and chatting with a random dude on the street is 8/10 scary. I do it and I get 8/10 growth. Being tired makes no real difference to my growth or my ability to develop. Part of me wants to retreat and hide away by myself, to not damage my social reputation and present a bad version of myself to people. It only feels safe around people if I know I am alert and can handle myself around them. Another part is instead pushing me with guilt and high expectations and internal pressure, fear of wasting my life. It wants to make sure I am doing well, pushing myself, doing better than the day before, winning, make sure I'm not falling behind others. My growth is found in stepping outside these warring parts of my mind and observing from the outside. Knowing I am neither, I can stay in Self, pouring in love into them. The fact they are especially violent with eachother in this state only makes the potential for growth greater.

Ay thanks for the support folks @something_else DMed you Btw If anyone happens to be in the same region as me and whats to meet feel free to HMU My first full day yesterday was uneventful. I have stayed in hostels before and made friends easily by chilling in the shared areas, but this hostel (at least in my perception which ofc is corrupted by fear) is full of UK lads which I fear, so I stayed out of the common areas mostly. I did force myself to join into the group dinner. It felt like a huge deal to overcome this fear and actually get out of my room and do it, requiring deep breaths and positive self talk, and multiple attempts before I actually got up and opened the door haha. I think because it reminds me of school, where you have to get your tray and find a place to sit while everyone watches you from their groups. (I know this is not an accurate perception of reality) In the end I got the food, and sat by myself trying to watch the anxiety play out in real time. Kind of ate it as quickly as possible and disappeared. When I write this stuff it seems like I'm completely riddled with insecurity and anxiety, which isn't true. It's just those moments of fear and overcoming it are the ones that feel meaningful to me when thinking about my day. Then I went out to do some cold approach by myself. The nightlife on Khaosan road here is insane. Never seen anything like it really. So much chaos and so many beautiful women from every place on earth walking around having fun. I just know that if I got into a flow state and lost some social inhibition in a place like this I'd easily meet someone delicious It has been about a month since I've done any kind of proper CA, so it was also quite scary. After some failed attempts I did finally get talking and did 4 mini approaches. I am proud of myself. I know that breaking through this first barrier on the first day is a good potent of things to come. I slept terribly. I thought I had overcome the +7h jetlag by sleeping well the first night, but last night my body refused to sleep until 8am Thai time. Despite this I feel really good. My body feels amazing somehow. I am much more present and aware of my body, and I'm excited about what's to come if a little nervous.

Hello. I've left London to embark on a 3 month adventure of solo backpacking in South East Asia, as a kind of super exposure to dating, cold approach, nightgame, daygame, being social and all that stuff. As well as the outward facing stuff, I'll do 20m of Internal Family Systems work every day from a workbook, and meet with an IFS therapist over zoom once a week. I'll also be mediating for 30m a day, journalling, eating healthy non Ultraprocessed Food (super easy to do here), working out and sleeping well (good regular sleep is something I struggle with maintaining back home). Right now I'm in Bangkok, and I'll spend about a month here in Thailand. Other than that I have no real plan, but I'll probably go Bali, Singapore, maybe Philippines and definietly Vietnam. I'll be staying in hostels and trying to meet people there, going out, as well as doing cold approach and finding wings from GameGlobal.com I don't drink or do drugs so we'll see how that goes. I'll be posting here every day or two, for accountability and a place to analyse my thoughts and progress, who knows maybe motivate anyone struggling with the same stuff. There is some logic to what I am doing here. I intend for this journey to give me some deep inner growth. Having done game for 2y or so now on and off, I've noticed that despite having some real success with women, deep down not that much has changed. I still have lots of fear and various unconscious thought patterns and emotional patterns around other human beings that cause me lots of suffering internally and destroy my results externally. - I often close up and avoid socialising, leaving interactions, not approaching, sitting by myself, being a wallflower, going home early, not going out, procrastinating. This happens even when a girl clearly likes me, a lot of times I'll just leave halfway through the set. - Fairly often I feel intense shame and worthlessness around others and feel like people hate me and don't want me there - If I stop practising game and going out for a week or two I slide right back to this avoidant closed up state, game doesn't seem to penetrate - Certain situations (very hot girls, groups of guys, specific venues, specific kinds of people, etc) that unconsciously remind me of situations I faced when I was younger seem to trigger me and cause me to close up hard - My mind is frequently filled with negative self talk when I go out. I often get psychosomatic symptoms when I go out to game including feeling extremely tired, scatterbrained, out of breath and having almost panic attacks, and other symptoms that suggest deep deep resistance - I care a lot about what people think of me, even when I feel good part of me is trying to perform and manage others perceptions of me - I often hold back my feeling of sexuality, my desire to touch or make plans or generally be authentic with women. They feel this and become unattracted What is all the more crazy about all this is that I am very social in my life in general, I work as a public speaker and teacher with groups of people and love it. Also in game many times I've experienced feeling complete social freedom, getting into state in clubs, lots of success with women, as well as being completely open and sexual and authentic with women I already know and having great relationships. I am not in any way an incel, I have my close friends and people at work tell me constantly how charming and charismatic I can be. As well as knowing rationally while these emotional reactions are happening that there is nothing to fear, that it doesn't matter what people think about me, that I am safe in social environments, I will never meet these people again, etc nothing happens. I was bullied in school and I think those traumas (aswell as other traumas) hasn't really been dealt with, and they continue to run my life. I have parts of my mind that are stuck in that past. I want freedom from all this, I know it is possible and I am willing to put in the work and emotional labour to get it. That is why I am not just doing game and socialising. I am doing Internal Family Systems, which is a powerful technique for healing such trauma. It's a framework that describes the mind not as one thing but as different subminds that carry different emotions, thoughts, beliefs and survival strategies. These parts can get into conflic with one another which can cause problems. I won't go into it here, here is a good video for understanding it: https://youtu.be/f80xs3MN9mY?si=XFtWCZivlZCiDLtA When I am in the field, I will treat myself with compassion, observe my mind and negotiate with my various parts, and use IFS rather than just forcing and dominating parts of my mind with other parts as I have done before. It's Friday night and I'm going out. Today I'm going to take it easy, start with some solo cold approach on the street and see how it goes. Much love

I am 25. I have had the desire to go out and approach women on the street from the age of 13. The idea occured naturally to me even before I knew of Leo or pickup, but fear, social anxiety and trauma stopped me from doing so. Finally 1 years ago, I decided it was time to confront my fear and begin. I decided to gradually desensitize myself to the fear by giving out friendly compliments to women on the street in London UK, where I live. Even after resolving to do so, I put it off for weeks. One day my boss called and told me about rumours circulating at work. I tried to hit on too many girls and was getting a reputation for being a 'fuck boy'. The root cause: my workplace was the only way I could meet women, I didn't know how to meet them any other way. That day I decided enough was enough. I would go out and give one compliment to a girl on the street. I resolved not to come home until I had done so. I walked around outside a university in South London. Many beautiful women walked past me, with each one I told myself 'Too scary. I'll do the next one, the next, the next'. I walked back and forth across this road for 3 hours in a constant state of fear. My legs ached and I wanted to go home, but I had become disgusted with myself. 'NO! I WILL NOT GO HOME UNTIL I DO THIS'. Finally, I got close to a girl and braced myself to say 'hey I like your outfit'. As I got close, she turned and made eye contact with me. In that moment I was filled with a full fight-or-flight terror. I snapped my eyes away from her and continued walking, saying nothing. But then I felt love for myself - I was dealing with a powerful fear, of course this would be hard. After another 30m of walking, I finally gave out my first ever compliment to a girl on the street. It felt good. Within a few weeks I made a program for myself. I would go out after work 4 times a week and give out 3 compliments. I found this very very challenging. To help, I repurposed a spending tracker app on my phone to track my progress. I did this so I could feel like every interaction I initiated was a win, like it was adding to my experience pool, even if it didn't go well. The scores are ultimately arbitrary, and I have refined them over time, but they have generated some satisfying graphs and statistics. Each type of interaction would earn a different score: a compliment would earn £0.15 a comp and a question 0.60 a comp, question and introducing myself 0.90 a number 1.20 an instant date 5.00 etc I spent the next 6 months struggling to meet my goal of 3 compliments a day. I went through laziness, hopelessness, shame, anger at myself, hatred for women, hatred for the world, to deep compassion for my shortcomings, to profound gratitude, to feeling like the alpha king of monkeys, to extreme horniness, exhausion, suicidal thoughts, feeling I will be stuck forever, then consoling myself and going out again. I failed many times. I fell off the path many times. I read Convesations with God, tried to use the creative power of my thoughts. I focused on eating and sleeping well, so that I felt good enought to go out and do it. I did 40m a day visualisation. I used breathing techniques. I returned again and again via journalling to my vision, to why I was doing this. It felt like I had to draw upon every resource I had. Such was my fear of just talking to a stranger. One day, I felt really good and ready to move on, to ask a follow up question after the compliment. I sent my friend £250 and told him not to send it back until I recorded myself saying 'excuse me, you look really interesting' to a girl. I walked around for 6h hours before the deadline passed, and I went home feeing utterly broken and ashamed having not done it. He kept the money. I actually woke up in fear multiple times that night, dreaming that I was still in Liverpool St Station trying to get myself to approach. But two days later I somehow did my first ever honest to god cold approach, at a bookshop in central London. I spoke to this girl with my hands shaking in terror, but she gave me her number. We went on a date a few days later, a few weeks later we had sex. But whatever inspired me to do that cold approach left, and I was back to compliments. About 6 months ago I decided I would get coaching. I searched and found a random coach on youtube. He had about 2k subscribers. I paid him £500 to come out with me for a day. I was earning £1600 a month and living in expensive London so this was a lot of money to me. Even though I didn't think he had much to offer in terms of game, I thought that paying so much and having him there with me would force me to do approaches. It worked. I did about 15 real cold approaches that day. But I suspect most of my apparent progress during that day was made in the months before. Since that day the doors opened to doing cold approach proper. It still took work to get myself to approach consistently alone, and I still occasionally have trouble getting myself to do it. But it really has become the focus of my life now, zoning in on it, getting better at it. The approaches have gotten less scary the more I have done them (shockingly). This September I did 75. This week I did 30. I have gotten gradually bolder. I approach some girls even when they are sitting down surrounded by people. I have gone on a few instant dates. I have approached a few groups of girls. I have had a handful of sexual encounters ranging from bad but kind of fun, to extremely intimate, hot and magical. My vision, that I crawled back to week on week over the last year, is beginning to be realized. That original burning fear has melted away. I still have lots of work before I feel like I can put this chapter of my life behind me. Recently I feel like I have run up against the limits of my 'natural game'. To improve from here it's not going to just be about being less fearful anymore, but changing things about myself; eye contact, being more subtle in my emotional reading of a situation eg when to try and close with a girl, challenging myself to stay in set as long as possible, doing more groups, doing night game. It's confusing, and I am partially writing this to remind myself of how far I have come, and to inspire myself. Despite my occasional lack of faith, deep down I know that given time, persistance, passion, hard work and coming back to my vision again and again, REAL GROWTH IS POSSIBLE. If you are reading this and are early on in this journey, or thinking of going out on this journey, or you belive (like I did at times) that you are different somehow and this will never work for you, I hope this inspires you to go out and do it. Here are a few tips you may find helpful: Come back again and again to why you are doing what you are doing Ultimately, especially when you are out alone, it does come down to just choosing to do that approach, in the moment, despite all the fear and panic. There is no way out of that or around that. No visualisation or meditation or anything will change that Failure to complete your goals for that day or week is fine. Just pick yourself back up and go do it tomorrow It is more work that you could possibly imagine. But each step towards your vision is itself extremely rewarding If you struggle with approach anxiety GET IN-PERSON COACHING (or go to a bootcamp) It is well worth the £500 or even £1000. The money you spend will hold you accountable, you will want to make sure you spent it well. If you are putting this off, consider: you may know deep down that you will have to confront your fear once you get coached, and that's the true reason you don't want it Get a wing via Leo's telegram worldwide wingman thing. The pickup groupchats themselves are a toxic hellscape, but you can just meet people from them irl till you find a good wing then never look at them again Consider repurposing a spending tracker as a point counter as I did. It's kind a mental idea I know, but if your mind works anything like mine you'll love it The rest of the lessons I'm sure you'll learn yourself as you do it Much love and godspeed!