Atmos

Ultimate responsibility. Working on this now it’s appreciated.

Spooky good timing Lazarus thank you. Surprises are always interesting, the ultimate trick. So is Hunter/Hunted? Any other enjoyable past-times come to mind?

Firstly, the irony of this post is not lost on me. I am really caught out by how this has happened when I haven’t taken psychedelics in years. I’m partially putting this in words so I stop gas lighting myself, and partially doing it because I want to contribute something. Over the last 6 months I really ramped up the contemplation and started actively pushing for understanding. I had no goal initially, but the weight of all theory and no process became too much. The last few weeks have been something I don’t really have words for, it’s been mostly awe and lonely disbelief, i connected a lot of dots is the best way to put it for now. Other than the initial shock, I’ve been working through a more interpersonal (lol) element of this process. It started with me travelling through London, and obviously seeing thousands of faces. I’d been really practising staying with the simple idea that I am everyone else a lot beforehand, and the raw quantity of people acted as a catalyst. I was fighting back tears it hit me so hard. Moreover, recently I caught the human frame, the best way I can put it is I zoomed out just enough to see that this is akin to a film set, and even my perceptions are like a costume. It’s kind of scary how little there is behind the curtains, I guess I understand what Allan Watts said about realising that the truth you were looking for is absolutely nothing. Finally, its reaching points I wasn’t really ready for, sometimes I can’t even look back at people because the resemblance is just too stark. Asking where I know them from is taking me to places I’d forgotten about for a very long time. I’m obviously confused, and that’s ok. I’m going nuts trying to separate insight from unvalidated hunches. Frankly I can’t even believe that I am typing this. I’m mainly concerned about dead ends, so I guess it’s definitely time for some psychedelics. It would be nice if anyone could audit this train of thought for any obvious signs I’m misinterpreting or projecting, but I’ll find out for myself either way. Trees are starting to look like they did for a long time 10 years ago after I took 600-700ug. It’s terrifying yet beautiful, I’m honestly completely gobsmacked (or godsmacked).

You need to take the time to realise that these things wont actually fulfil you. It sounds like you have some unresolved ghouls on your mental, and that they are somewhat deep routed, an unhappy mind will fill itself with fruitless desires in an attempt to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be. As impossible as it seems embracing the fact you don't need these things you have convinced yourself you do is the first step to overcoming endless desire that will never be actually satisfied. The aim is to curb urges, not fulfil them:) Being spiritual will help you with your goals more than you might think as you will spend less time wishing and more time acting, being spiritual also lets one set achievable goals.

If you are meditating for any reason other than to be present, you are not really meditating. On a less anal note I have been meditating consistently for ~8 Months and am only now starting to feel perceivable differences in my general state of mind. I personally meditate as I have had a racing mind (mostly nonsense) that I could never quiet for as long as I can remember, Its taken me this long to even start breaking the habit consistently and may be years before I have reached the tranquil state I desire. Imo if you are serious about actualisation you should be meditating till the day you die irrelevant to if you are getting what you wanted out of it:)

If you want any significant/long lasting change in consciousness don't expect to invert your entire lifes crystallization of ego by watching a video. These kind of things are fantastic eye openers but it frustrates me a little when I see something as sacred as a spiritual awakening in the form of a packaged product.