Problems With Idolizing, Reliant on Authority, Fear-Based, Dependent, 6w5 EN

[Bird Larry]

Probably, it had been a theme of my early childhood, and an under-current of my life. Taking the test of the Enneagram, I've got the tri-type 386. The 3 is the dominant, 8 is the second, and behind it all, I have a six in me. Especially, I could see myself initially interact in the real world with boldness, 3, then be challenging and authoritative, 8, but in the undercurrent of it all, I'm afraid, terribly so I always seek authority, always find a "friend" to depend on. 

I certainly had this problem with actualized.org. I was overly reliant on this site, so as I did for many of my relationships, whom I deemed a bit more wiser and cleverer than me. The problem lies on this. Until I studied the Enneagram extensively, reaching down on the tri-type aspect of it, I have never acknowledged truly how fear-based I am. Of course, all of us are fearful. However, the problem lies on how I act with my fear. The ugliest part of Enneagram 6 is they are overly loyal, can act phobically on people, push away people, and cast violence to peaceful things. You can imagine a 3, 8, and then a fearful 6 being aggressive. I recall in this forum Leo telling me to snap out of idolizing people and authority. I didn't care to think of it deeply then, but now I do. 

Hitler was a 6. I understand what he went through. Loyal, but it is dependent on fearful loyalty, phobically loyal. Not only am I fearful, but with my fear, I rely on other people too much, to the extent where I can't live by myself or be alone. Maybe you may think my 3, and the 8 antidotes the fear, but when I'm in a situation where I'm not self-sufficient, I become violent, profoundly scared, and still constantly can't stop looking for authority. It's a real problem with me, being dogmatic. I never admitted it, and even reacted violently on dogmatic people, overly-loyal people, not realizing that it may well have been my shadow. 

I've seen people who don't rely on others. Usually, enneagram 5s are like that. I remember when my brother left to another country when I was a teenager and how reliant I was to him, his knowledge, how to act, and I told him what do I do if he leaves? I have never been independent before, never have taken care of myself before without him. 

Do you have any experience as a 6? I am not a dominant 6, but it is my dominant head type. The way my head, thinking works is tremendously like a 6. It's too apparent it feels gross to me even. My goal in writing this post is to become competent in my work, be creative with my work, be in relationships/friendships where I don't rely on anyone, any authority, or dogma, not even in my head-space. I want to be completely alone and virgin. Not be fear-ridden, and be courageous. The problem with me is both in my work and relationships, I become too loyal and dogmatic on one teaching, one teacher, one thing, where it becomes unhealthy, where no critical thought is given. 

Edited July 15, 2022 by Bird Larry